I've tried posting before, but everytime I do, something happens and it goes away. Poo.
So I'll keep it short. I've been doing well...lots of exercize. Which is good.
Food wise, I've been doing well. My 1st goal is no desserts in the dining hall...which is awsome because I haven't had any in three days! I've also been eating a ton of veggies, which is also good.
The bad: weekends are hard. Especially when I've just gone through a breakup and am an emotional eater. But I can do this. I think.
Last night, after a disgusting dinner of grapes and frosted mini-wheats, I had 1 pt . of ice cream while watching "Immitation of Life". Have any of you seen it. SADDEST MOVIE. I watched it with my bff and we cried and cried...which is funny cuz in the three years I've known her, I've seen her cry twice...this time included!
But anyways, aside from that, like, 1,000 calories...I've been doing well. Plus...I've been exercising. Hard core. On Thursday (the day after he dumped me), I hit the gym for 2 hrs of cardio, and then did weights at night. And I went yesterday as well. And I'm planning to go either later tonight or first thing in the morning.
As for food today, I've had:
Eggs: 215 calories
Waffle: 300 calories
Sausage: 50 calories
Hash Browns:250
Butter: 100
Which is a total of 915...which is a lot...yeah, I know...but I guess I still have 600-700 left today...so I'll try to go easy on dinner.
For me, I think the most important thing is getting exercise, not binge eating, and cutting back on things like sugar, butter and white flour. So wish me luck- here's to making him wish he had the sense to treat me like I deserve to be treated!
OK, so as you all saw in my last post...a lot has happened.
Honestly, and maybe most notably...my ex has said he's done with me for good because I'm too fat, and in the 2 years and 8 months we've be "involved", I haven't been able to loose it all...so therefore I don't love him...plus, as he delicately suggested (e.g. threw in my face), I embarass him, and HE should not have to deal with comments from ppl about his fat girlfriend.
And then he said, well, I mean, we can still "be" together (if you know what I mean)...only just as friends. Yeah right. I'm not that kind of girl.
Plus (of course) he wants to have sex with girls at school. God, what an asshole.
Still, I'm heartbroken. I know I should just move on, but it's hard for me. He was my first relationship...my first love...my best friend...and it lasted for SO long.
Either way, it's time to change things. I'm so angry at him, and so so sad at the same time. But I know I've got to turn this into the motivation I need to get to where I need to be. I've started eating salads, and I'm cutting out desert at ALL meals (only on special, and extreemly rare, occasions) and integrating working out back into my schedule. So here I go, picking up the pieces of my broken heart and trying to turn this devistation into something good.
Wish me luck- I'll try to keep in touch this time.
OK, so it's been a while, but I'm here to reflect on the changes that have been going on in my life, where I've been this past month, and more importantly, where I'm going.
So here it goes.
This month I have:
-Lost 3.4 lbs (from 272.4 to 269)
-Started preping for the LSAT (which I'm taking in June)
-Got a 10 hr/week job at the library
-Started using proactive
-Stopped exercising
-Gotten a pedicure (in hott orange!)
-Started eating more veggies (this has really only been in the last three days :)
-Been told by the boy/man I've been in love with for the past three years that he is "done" with me forever because I don't feel like loosing weight right now (he has also been ignoring all my attempts to contact him. I think it's really over this time, and I'm terrified)
-Become ADDICTED to Nip/Tuck, the TV show (My blockbuster has all 4 seasons...and I can't stop renting it!)
So yeah...a lot has happened. And I think I've come out the other side realizing that I just want to keep moving in the direction I'm going. Slowly but surely. So what if I slip up. As long as I'm not gaining, what's the problem?
I guess here's the thing: I've realized I want to FEEL GOOD and BE HAPPY. Not just be skinny. I don't want to be miserable.
Right now, I look in the mirror and I feel gross, fat, ugly and unloveable. And I don't want to be this way. I'm 20 years old for god's sake! I should be a HOTTIE. And I will be. But that doesn't mean weighing 130lbs. I can be a hottie at 200, I think. So that's goal #1. I'm changing my goal to 200 lbs. Now THATS doable. I remember the last time I weighed 200lbs (honestly, I can't remember ever being fully developed and lower than 178)
In the 6th grade I was short and weighted 139 (I remember cuz they weighed us in school...how embarassing!)
So my new goals for myself are to:
1) Eat a salad at EVERY MEAL. Just because I can. And it makes me healthier.
2) Work out 4 x week ("you can exercise years of your body!"-- a quote from Nip/Tuck-- I TOLD you I was obsessed!)
3) Get 7-9 hours per sleep every night. try not to do more or less.
4) Limit my missing ex-boyfriend time to 5 min intervals, no more than 3x day. NO MORE. It's a time suck.
5) Focus on getting the body I WANT...not what someone else wants me to have.
So this seems doable. Wish me luck! And here's to a more whole and happy T!
gotta run to go get breakfast and then to class...I've decided, since I've been really good working out lately, to go to ABP and get a bagel and coffee...also, cuz I'm all out of fiber one bars for breakfast and am STARVING! haha...
then to class. my afternoon seminar was canceled cuz my prof's out of town and rescheduled for tomorrow....when I have to work...argh! but w/e. I'll go for the first hour. So this afternoon, it's TO THE GYM.
Goal of the day: No desserts. I've cut back to 1/day and relatively low in calories the past few days, but I really think it'll boost my w.l. if I cut them out. and it's not forever, so I SHOULD be able to do it. Also, another mini-goal is no french fries...which is seemingly ALL my school knows how to make. ARGH... it's sad cuz the year before I started, we were supposed to have the best food in the country. And now it's crap.
OK- well, i gotta jet. hope everyone's having a great tuesday, and I'll try to check in later. Love yall, and sending skinny vibes!!!
to BrokenSkeyes and Voxxy for the kick in the ass I needed.
This morning I got up and hit the gym. Then I went to brunch, had a salad, two scrambled eggs, 4 potato wedges, 2 slices of canteloupe, water and tea (w/o sugar). And I feel good. So now it's off to shower, work and wait for my BFF to get her ass back to school so we can all go eat dinner. The bad news, my dining hall is having a Super Bowl themed dinner- mac and cheese, hot dogs, hot wings, etc. Plus, it's Sundae Sunday!!! Ahhh!
But you know what, I think I don't want to eat too much shit, because I want my body to look increasingly sexy. So I think I'm gonna make the choice NOT to eat crap. Wish me luck- I'll check back in soon!
Stay strong ladies- YOU all inspire me...and WE can do this!!!
So I guess that's not totally true. I mean, I had a suite night with my suite mates, that involved us watching "Step Up" and the 80s movie "Girls Just Want to Have Fun" which was great...and then they all went off to do other things. One went to see 27 Dresses with her boyfriend (which I REALLY wanna see), one went to a party with the guy she's crushing on, and the other one (the one I hate...haha) was the first to go off to some party of her friends.
And I guess I should be happy to have the suite to myself, but I guess it's always been hard for me to be sitting at home alone, because I feel LAME. I think about my ex out flirting with/making out with/going home with some sexy, SKINNY girl he met at some bar where he is, half way across the country. I miss my best friend, who wen't home to NYC for the weekend to get a break from school. And I start to pick at myself. "God I'm so fat...God I ate soooo much, GOD I'm such a looser I don't have any other friends"
And then I think, "WOW, I should really transform myself into the girl I've always wanted to be...the girl that can actually GO to dance practice with the group she signed up for without being embarrassed to dance, a girl who can feel sexy enough to go out on her own, who dosen't worry that her ex will move on and on and that she'll end up alone...blah blah blah"
But I just don't feel like I have the WILLPOWER to do it. Any of you have this problem? How do you muster up the WILLPOWER to make a change like this. To REALLY, REALLY make the change. For good. To eat healthily because you want to. To be...to be different. To be the way you want to be. And I do want it. Believe me. I just can't figure out how you get there. Hopefully, tomorrow I can make this change for good. Hopefully.
"I learned the hard way
That they all say things you want to hear
And my heavy heart sinks deep down under you and
Your twisted words,
Your help just hurts
You are not what I thought you were
Hello to high and dry
Convinced me to please you
Made me think that I need this too
I'm trying to let you hear me as I am
I'm not gonna write you a love song
'cause you asked for it
'cause you need one, you see
I'm not gonna write you a love song
'cause you tell me it's
Make or breaking this
If you're on your way
I'm not gonna write you to stay
If all you have is leaving I'm gonna need a better
Reason to write you a love song today"
These are the Sara Bareilles lyrics to the song "Love Song" that is on my itunens repeat today. The reason: I heard it for the first time on the radio this morning, and it really did something to me. And the more I've been thinking about it, I think it relates to my weight loss journey a lot. It's about doing things for people because they insist that you do (see: my ex-boyfriends insistance that I loose weight) and how it ends up being for the wrong reasons (see: messy on again off again disaster).
I guess the truth is, this year I've been growing so much as a person, and getting out of this nearly three year relationship has been the hardest thing I've ever done (and am still doing) and it's required so much growth, and it's such a shame my weight stuff is all caught up in it. Because I gained /- 50 lbs in the time I was involved with him, and now I feel like no one else will ever love me. Plus, I'm SCARED that if I loose the weight, maybe someone else WILL love me, and then I'll have to go through all this pain all over again. So I dunno.
Sometimes I just think it's easy to be fat. But then I hit myself on the head, because, as we all know, it's NOT easy to be fat. But I guess, sometimes, it's safe. And I think that's why I'm so resistant.
So here's to growing (on the inside) and shrinking (on the outside). Here's to finding happiness, love and acceptance. And here's to doing the best thing for ME, not for him or for my friends or family. It's time to take care of #1. Wish me luck- this time i'll stay in touch :)
Still fat and happy (cuz my belly's full) but feeling bad because I'm fat (because it sucks to be fat )
So yeah...at least right now, as I sit watching the debate on MSN, i am munching on 1pt rice cakes (yummy...they're caramel corn flavored, but made w/ whole grain and pretty satisfying) instead of other, high pt. things. So I guess I should chill out and say to myself- tomorrow begins a new week. I will weigh in in the morning, and then make this a week to remember. The goal:
GET IN ALL MY FRUITS AND VEGGIES!!! OMG, it's so hard for me, but I've gotta do it. It makes a difference.
So here's to me getting it together- one day at a time!
So I've been MIA since Friday. But there is a reason. Here it is:
Friday night I went out for the first time in forever. I was so excited, so I put on my little black dress and extreemly sexy high heeled red and white shoes, and then started drinking. And drinking. And then went to another party. And drank more and more and more. Honestly, I can't even remember how many drinks I downed. NOT a good idea. I was, to say the least, a complete lush.
So, after dancing my sexy butt off at the second party, my friends and I decide to go to the frats...however, on my way to the bathroom before we departed, I tripped (I don't remember over what exactly...) and wiped out. What I do remember is a policeman (who, my friends assure me WAS NOT cute, but I have a thing for men in uniform anyways) helping me up and being like, "are you OK?" After assuring him I was, I decided I wanted to go the frats, but there was just one problem: I couldn't walk. Even through my numbing drunkeness, i could not bear to walk in my heels. So my sober suite mate ended up walking me home, barefoot, through the dirty streets of the city where I live. The next day, one of my friends came up to me in the dining hall and was like "Dude, I saw you last night...all crazy walking around without shoes!" and shook his head at me disapprovingly.
More importantly: the next day I couldn't walk. My ankle was about three times it's normal size and black and blue. Owch. Needless to say, I did not go out again. Sadness.
So I'm in a walking cast, with an extreemly soar ankle, and have been feeling sorry for myself and eating SHIT for the last four days. Me a culpa!
But tomorrow, I'm going to the gym with my bff, and I'm gonna take it easy, wear my cast and not hurt myself, but I SERIOUSLY need to sweat b/c this is becoming a problem...this whole inactive, compulsive eating thing. So I should check in tomorrow.
I am sorry for being MIA, I truly am. The moral of the story: drinking and high heels don't mix
.
.