So I'm back at school- was really OP today. Had Fiber One bar for breakfast before work, sushi and a Pria Low-Carb Bar that's really high in protein for lunch, and then a salad, roast beef sandwich on ww whole wheat bread w/ provelone cheese, grapes and water for dinner...
I was really low on the points, until right before my big meeting I splurged and had probably about 10pts of easter chocolate (I had the pts...but jeez! On Easter Chocolate?) It was good, but argh.
In other news, it's nice to be back at school, but also kinda sad. I miss my family. They really have been giving me soo much strength through these hard times. And I miss them a lot.
My presentation was canceled, b/c my professor didn't get back from spring break in time for class (boo!) so I'll do it next week. Blah, because I wish I could have gotten it over with, but good b/c...well...I didn't do as much work as I could have on it, and now I have the time!
I didn't work out today either...it was a sort of stressful day, and I'm still exhaused...I didn't get back to school until 3am in the morning, and then had to work at 9am...so I need sleep. I'll make it to the gym tomorrow, hopefully. Or at least do a little exercising in my room. I wanna see the number on the scale go down Friday morning when I weight in!!!
I'm off...be back tomorrow. Skinny vibes to you all. Stay strong.
I've had 11 pts so far and am full...has anyone tried the spa cuisine lean cuisines? They're amazing! Seriously, if you do the frozen dinner then, check them out. No preservatives, twice the veggies...they kick butt! My fav is the butternut squash ravioli, which I just ate for lunch. Yuuummmm.
In other news- back to school on Monday. Yuck. I'm not excited AT ALL. And there's a ton of crap I have to do between now and then- specifically: Laundry, write up my presentation for seminar, pack, hang out with my parents, hang out with my brother, mentally prepare to return to the hell hole that is college (it's not that bad really, I'm just grumpy and stressed)
I am excited, however, to start exercising when I get back. I think I've probably lost a lb or 2 since I've been home, and hopefully I'll be down some when I WI Friday.
I'll post the results of today later. Hope everyone's having a good one!
I've eaten all of my pts, and might have a skinny cow ice cream later (at 2 pts) and use my flex.
I feel pretty good, except for...all of my food was out today! And I can feel the salt in my face from the thai food I had for dinner!
But other than that...I'm doing well. Feeling good, and full of energy. WHOO!!!
Also, I finished reading the book I'm presenting to my seminar on Monday, which means I can work on the presentation for a few hours tomorrow and then take some time to chill and clean with the fam...which means tonight I can be footloose and fancy free!!!
Honestly, I have so much energy since the big break up. I'm feeling HOT!
I'll be back tomorrow, but until then- SKINNY VIBES ALL AROUND!!!
Strange, right? But seriously, I'm starting WW again tomorrow, along with doing the BDS (Beck Diet Solution) and I'm actually REALLY excited for my new life!!!
I just got back from the family vaca an hour ago, checked my messages and email...no one called or wrote, except for I got the very sad news that a kid in my res. hall died a few days ago in his sleep. Scary, right? I knew him, but not well...still, he was a familiar face. And my age.
I guess it just reminds me how fragile life is, how short it is and how important it is to treasure it. So no more wasting time. No more punishing myself from bad things that have happened to me in the past. For things that were and are not my fault. Time to move onward and downward (weight wise ) and to fight for my health and happiness.
So, here's the plan:
-I've asked Mom to be my diet coach, and I think it will be good...I trust her, and she has had her own struggle with wl so she KNOWS. Although we have our issues surrounding my weight, she loves and wants the best for me...so it should be good.
-I'm doing WW flex plan, and am going to start counting EVERYTHING PERFECTLY. No nibbling off other ppls plates. Nothing goes between these lips w/o being recorded.
-I'm planning to work out significantly (1 hr. min) at least 4x week. I think it's manageable long term, with my work load.
-I'm gonna post on EP, as well as journal. I bought myself a nice new journal that I've been using to record my thoughts and help myself through this hard time.
-I'm gonna try talking to God. I wasn't raised in a religious family at all (my dad's an athiest and mom's 'spiritual') But the longer I live, the more I believe there HAS to be a God...and I think building a relationship with him or her can give me some much needed extra strength.
I've also updated my reward list, so here it is:
10 lbs Gone: I will buy myself Crest Whitestrips...which I have wanted for a LONG time but never felt like I should indulge in.
15 lbs Gone: New IPOD!!! My old one died a few weeks ago, and I'm REALLY struggling w/o it!
20 lbs Gone: I will buy myself a new perfume fragrance at Macy's...one that I love and will use all the time!
25 lbs Gone: 21st B-Day MAKE OVER!!! I'll get myself a matching mani/pedi in BRIGHT ORGANGE to bring in the summer, and buy myself a HOTT new 21st Birthday Dress
27 lbs Gone (my 10%!): I'll get a really nice hair cut/style. I want to be here by my 21st birthday on June 17th...so I'll use it to look fresh when I go out!
30 lbs Gone: I'll buy myself some really hot new jeans that I feel sexy and fabulous in!
*Also, time to reevaluate and make a new list!!!*
70 lbs Gone: Pierce my belly button!
So, here I go. I'll check back tomorrow. But as for now- I'm off to read up on yall!
I know I've been MIA...but it's been a hard two weeks. I'm on spring break, and I just saw the ex for the first time since the break up/last time yesterday, which was really emotional. And hard. He wants to continue to see eachother when we're in town, but there's no f-ing way I'm up for that. I mean, he broke up with me because he thinks I'm to fat...he's not strong enough to support me through this journey. He never tried to understand the REASONS why I am the way I am. And that's not only tragic, it's infuriating. I gave him nearly three years of my young adult life...I put time, energy, love and money into this relationship. ARGH.
So I realize, this has turned more into a break-up blog than a weight loss blog...but I feel like it's all connected. Spring break has been, for the most part, extreemly RELAXING. And now that the ex-stuff is history (I told him I don't want to talk to him again for, like, at least 6 months) I'm ready to move on with my life. I think yesterday gave me the closure I wanted...and although I wasn't totally able to tell him what an ass hole he is (honestly, I'm still pretty in love with him), I was able to walk away with the little dignity I have left. The truth is, the last year of the relationship was AWFUL. Neither of us were happy. And this is the best thing for both of us.
So...in moving on, I'm going to focus on myself. It's time to be the T I used to be, the T who loves herself, takes care of herself, all of that jazz. And I'm going to start slowly. I'm going away for a couple days with my family, and when I get back on Friday I'm going to go back on WW. On the trip, I'm gonna do a lot of swimming, exercising and relaxing...get back some of my peace of mind and control over my life. I've got to take CHARGE of things again. I need to embrace my newfound confidence:
I WILL love again. I WILL find happiness with someone who loves me for who I am, for what I am, and not ask me to change.
I AM strong. I don't need him, and I'm in charge of my own destiny!
I CAN do this. It IS possible. I just need to focus on what T wants, what T needs...
It's time to let go and move on. To be a grown up. To grow. Wish me luck, and I'll be back on Friday to start Round 3 of EP! Stay strong and love yourselfs- you're all amazing women who have inspired me to never give up! We ALL have the strenght to do this!
So I'm in the middle of midterms and fellowship applications, and feel exhaused.
I am also not watching what I eat and feeling depressed because I miss the ex DESPERATELY. It's getting really bad, I have to physically stop myself from picking up the phone to call him becasue I CANT STAND IT.
Just say no. Go to bed. Busy day tomorrow. And talking to him tonight wont' make me feel any more whole tomorrow. I know all of that. Doesn't change the fact that I MISS HIM.
One small NSV for today tho- I took off the size 20 jeans I bought over winter break w/o unbuttoning or unzipping them! So that's a plus...maybe I'm gettingm skinnier! Who knows.
OK- So I'm here to complain. Sorry, I know whining isn't very productive, but goddamnit I FEEL LIKE IT!
#1- where are you guys?! I feel like most of you arn't updating your blogs...and I know I'm guilty of it too, but I (selfishly) want to hear from you!
#2- I'm up 2 lbs, and I don't know why. Well, I kinda do know why...it's cuz I've been eating crap. I've been hitting the gym hard, its true, but I've been eating enough for a small family. I go into the dining hall and stalk up, come home and snack on crap that's hanging out in the common room, go out to resturants and buy more food (like last night, my bff was starving so we went to get sandwiches and the guy gave me a footlong instead of a six inch and I took it home to "save" half of it...but then at 1am when I was writing a stupid paper, I ATE IT!!!)
But I don't want to gain weight. I DONT. I want to LOOSE WEIGHT. REALLY BADLY. And I know that means managing what I put in my mouth. I know it. But it's hard and I don't wanna. I miss living at home and being on a sports team- everything was so much EASIER then...no hidden calories in dorm food, no struggling to fit in exercise.
I guess I just need to FORCE myself to do this. Force myself to micromanage what I eat just like I manage other things. Keep exercising, and hope that, in light of all the weight lifting and muscle building I've been doing, the lbs will start dropping SOON.
Also, I vainly want to believe that I'm retaining lots of water from the roast beef sandwich I ate late last night
I'll WI officially again on Wednesday, and until then it's exercise by any means necessary, hard school work and EATING SUPER HEALTHY. After all, I had planned to be down to 165 by Friday... probably not gonna happen, but you never know. The body is a miraculous thing!
So thanks for listening to me rant. I feel much better now- so it's off to make a schedule for my day and then to brunch. Hope everyone else stays strong and happy!
So at 8:30am this morning, a drunken guy who lives across the hall stumbled into my suite and into my room. I woke up and screamed at him, causing him to stumble out and pass out on our couch. SO SCARY and SO AWKWARD. When we finally asked him to leave this morning, he was totally disoriented, stinky, covered in vomit and blood (it looked like he'd been punched in the nose).
So, to get out of the suite, I went to the gym! Which was great. 20 mins on the treadmill, 45 mins on the elliptical. Then had a big breakfast (waffle, eggs, tater tots and non-fat milk...probably about 14 pts...eek! But it's breakfast and lunch together...and now I'm stuffed).
And now I'm in my room, getting ready to do some weights, watch and episode of Nip/Tuck on DVD, take a shower and do some work before dinner.
***Something cool I figured out: for all of you that have/want/have been thinking about getting netflix (especially thoes in college)-- Netflix has a ton of workout video's "on demand"...which means you can watch them whenever you want, on your computer. They've got, like, the entire Crunch series! How cool!
But anyways- back to buisness. I've been thinking about the importance of setting goals, and I've decided I need to structure realistic rewards for myself. So here they go:
For Every Week I Loose (any) Weight: I will take 45 mins out of the next Thursday night or Friday/Saturday afternoon to give myself a proper manicure.
5 lbs Gone: I will buy myself some amazingly huge designer knockoff sunglasses (the kind my ex hated :)
10 lbs Gone: I will buy myself Crest Whitestrips...which I have wanted for a LONG time but never felt like I should indulge in.
15 lbs Gone: I will buy myself a new perfume fragrance at Macy's...one that I love and will use all the time!
20 lbs Gone: Invite mom to the spa for a day for facials and/or massages!
24 lbs Gone: I'll get myself a matching mani/pedi in BRIGHT ORGANGE to bring in the summer!
27 lbs Gone (my 10%!): I'll get a really nice hair cut/style. I want to be here by my 21st birthday on June 17th...so I'll use it to look fresh when I go out!
30 lbs Gone: I'll buy myself some sexy new summer sandals to rock in LA, where I'll be at the beginning of July! At this point, I will also take a break and re-evaluate my sucess and goals, and make new ones for the next 40 lbs!
70 lbs Gone: Pierce my belly button!!!
So thoes are my goals for now...something to focus on and stay strong for. Plus...an added inscentive...I'm going to NYC on Friday (and going shopping in China Town..where there will def. be sunglasses galore!), so there's no time to waste!
Good luck to all of you, have great days, find your strength and be who you want to be!
So I've had a revolation. After 1 hr and 5 mins at the gym (30 on the elliptical, 20 on the treadmill, going uphill and 15 on the encumbent bike), maybe it's the endorphins, but I think that it's time for me to come into my own. To prioritize. To become the woman who I AM, who I WILL BE, who I WANT to be. Recently, I've been thinking a lot about the existence of a higher power, and although I wasn't raised with religion, I think there's really no way for there to NOT be anything greater than us. And I think that what will be, WILL BE.
I've decided to say goodbye to my toxic habits, because I've realized that treating T badly is way easier than treating her well. Abusing myself, eating shit (excuse my language), procrastinating, sitting around like a blob feeling sorry for myself and allowing my surrounds to be super messy is EASY. Staying fat is EASY. It takes NO EFFORT. It's not scary, because it's all I know.
CHANGING is scary. Saying no to the extra portion that makes me feel comfortably stuffed, saying no to the fourth brownie, saying YES to the gym, cleaning up after myself, staying organized and prioritizing...THATS scary. Being a WOMAN, not a little girl, is scary. I turn 21 in June, and I need to grow up. I've been terrified of getting older ever since I turned 18, but I think it's something I should EMBRACE. Because this week I've realized that I can do the SCARIEST thing of all...which is saying goodbye to him. And in saying goodbye to the man who I thought I was gonna marry, I'm finding myself. I'm defining myself for the first time as a WOMAN (we got together when I was 17) without him. And yeah, it's scary...but it's more EXCITING then anything.
So here's to choosing the HARD road, to being responsible for my own happiness, to making choices that are HEALTHY and will ensure HAPPINESS. Here's to becoming T...all by myself.
Here's to journaling every day, to staying strong and making realistic changes. But here's to refusing to numb myself with food, sloth or clutter. Here's to saying YES, I'M READY TO BE A GROWN UP- LOOK OUT WORLD, HERE I COME! I AM SOMEBODY!
So I did't make it to the gym yesterday, and instead watched the 1939 version of Wuthering Heights on DVD with my friends (it's nothing like the book, stars Lawrence Oliver and is sooo fabulously melodramatic and lovelorn) and ate a bag of chocolate covered pretzels, some mini chocolate chip cookies, a glass of milk and a lindt chocolate...fatty fatty fatty!
But today I got up, had a VERY sensible breakfast (at approx. 400 calories I had eggs, potatoes and a little oatmeal) and then hit the gym for 1.25 hours...I did 20 mins on the ellipitical, 10 on the treadmill, 15 on the stair climber and 30 on the recumbent bike, while reading for class. Not too shabby, I think.
So now I'm at the library, which sucks cuz it's SOOO CROWDED. I wanted to get an enclosed study bin, but they've all been taken. Good thing I'm here for the long hall, hopefully I'll get one sooner or later.
In other news, I de-friended my ex-bf on facebook- which was REALLY hard for me, but also really positive. I just have to keep telling myself that HE broke up with ME (asshole) because I'm fat (assholeassholeasshole) and that makes him a...you guessed it...ASSHOLE.
Also, the songs "I Hate You So Much Right Now" by Kelis, "Heartbreaker" by Mariah Carey and "Before He Cheats" by Carrie Underwood (gotta love the RAGE!) are all on loop on my itunes. Hope everyone else is having a good day. Stay strong. We will ge to where we're going.
My Motivating thought for TODAY: I want to, at least ONCE in my life, wear a bikini on the beach!
) and to fight for my health and happiness. 
T