Today I went to lunch alone. I'm having some issues with my best friend...she's been really sour lately, and seemingly angry. I've asked her what's wrong several times, and each time shes' like "nothing!" really angrily! ARGH! It's so frustrating! I know it's *probably* not about me, but still, I feel like she should either talk to me about it or just not take it out on others. It makes me feel bad. She's just so indignant to everything I say and it really hurts my feelings. So I was feeling bad about that, because last night when I asked her to go to lunch w. me today, she was like "NO! I have plans and have to eat later" and then, right in front of me, asked my roomate (who also normally eats w. us early) if she wanted to wait and go with her. Which I thought was SO rude.
n e ways...I've been feeling bad about that. And then also I haven't been sleeping well (I woke up this morning with a really stiff neck and an awful headache).
So back to lunch- I went, got food, sat down, and ATE. As I was getting a drink, this jock guy in line ahead of me started ranting (to me...and I don't even know him!) about how stupid having diet sprite zero is...because diet and zero are redundant and, c'mon, he said, it's not like its so many calories!!! Like I care/want to talk to HIM (he was also really fit and good looking) about CALORIES!
So, after all of this feeling bad I ate, like, 6 chicken strips, a cup of french fries, 2 tbls honey and 1/4 c. M&Ms. And I realised something as I was eating, and started feeling sick.
I PUNISH MYSELF. I punish myself with food. I hate myself so much sometimes, that I eat and eat until I feel sick. I'm a mentor, and some of the young girls we work with cut themselves, and I've been realising that the reasons they do it are the same reasons I gorge myself until I feel sick. I purposely punish myself because of bad feelings.
And I'm not quite sure how to break the cycle. It's strange, because I think this all comes from a place of bad feelings, low self-esteem and self-loathing. And because of some childhood traumas, I've been in and out of therapy (although VERY sporadically) since I was 4. I finally found someone I reallyl liked last summer, but couldn't stick with her b/c i had to go back to school. And the thing that sucks the most is that the mental health ppll at my school are JERKS. They only care about 2 things: making sure you don't kill yourself and making sure you don't flip out while at school. But that's about it.
I dunno, I just don't want to feel this bad about my life anymore. I don't want to punish myself again and again and again. Cuz logically, I KNOW I don't deserve it.
Ugh. I'm at work so I should go. My head is pounding and I feel crappy. More later.
I've got a paper due tomorrow, another due on Tue (which I think I'm getting an extension for), a presentation next Monday, 6 journals (which I haven't done yet) due next Tue, two more 15 pg. paper due the next week, a final exam and an 7pg paper to rewrite. I'm not a happy girl.
I guess I'm just feeling the stress bubble up. I'm in the library right now, supposed to be working on a paper but instead am posting on here. You guys have been so supportive and wonderful, and I can't say how much I apreciate it...I guess I just feel like with all the shit I'm dealing w. with school, there's no time for WL...which is total bullshit, cuz there's always time.
I worked out for an hour today (40 mins elliptical, 20 mins bike) and ate alright...no snacking. But i'm hungry now, and want to eat a giant muffin or something...
but I'm in the library, so I can't.
off to work more on these papers. i also have dinner w.
*I* tomorrow, so send me skinny vibes so I don't gorge myself before hand and end up feeling sick and gross!
So I'm a little drunk. I just got back in the house after going out with the girls (fun times) and I'm havin g trouble typing...so I apologize in advanced.
I've been doing badly with food. I've been struggling with school work. I'm struggling in general.
I went out to a dance with my friends and I didn't dance with anybody. Sadness, right? I think so. I mean, I think some guys were trolling us (that's what we use for standing aroudn checking us out and trying to come up to us) but nothing happened which makes me feel ugly. And disgusting. And I keep seeing all these not so pretty skinny girls dancign with guys, and it makes me feel really sad. And bad about myself.
And then I guess I think of the ex, who's probably out with his new girlfriend or else out hooking up with some stranger...and GOD does it make me sad and angry!!! I mean, it's not fair!!! And I guess I just think "jeez, if I had just LOST the weight..." but I didn't. In fact, I'm pretty sure I'm gaining. YUCK.
I just hate myself so much some times. Especially when I'm drunk and depressive. Stupid me. Why can't I just DO IT?!? JUST LOOSE THE WEIGHT?!?! I know how. Eat less crap. Work out every day. It's not rocket science.
FUCK! Ok, done rambling. Going to take my drunk ass to bed. Will not call the ex (he wouldn't pick up anyways) will not call I either. Will not call anyone. Will just sleep.
Check back tomorrow afternoon for an apologetic post, I'm sure. But hey, I figure drunk posting is better than drunk dialing, right?
PS- I'm sorry if I offended anyone...opps! I'm in college, what can I say!
I'm sick and tired of feeling fat and disgusting and letting my weight get in the way of my happiness. NO MOIRE! I have a LOT to be happy about- so no more of this shit!
From today on, I'm gonna watch what I put in my body, respect it and LOOSE THE WEIGHT. I still want to be at my 10% by my 21st...so LETS DO THE DAMN THING!
Quick life recap:
So the *boy* messaged me back suggesting dinner instead of coffee. Hmmmm. I have to admit, I was smiling like crazy when I read it. But I dunno how significant this is? Especially if we're eating in a dining hall...then it's REAL casual. But either way- he invited me to dinner.
Although I guess I am a little nervous that it's like...haha, come to dinner w. me and we'll sit with all my friends and then it won't be a date...but w/e I'm worrying about this for NO REASON. He could have blown me off and been like...uhh...I'm really busy this week...maybe later? and been reallly unspecific...but he suggested dinner and gave me a SPECIFIC day to do it...so yah. YAY. And according to facebook, he's still single...which bodes well for his interactions with this other girl.
Other boy news, there's this guy (we'll call him V) who I've known since freshman year and used to date a friend/roomate of mine. Well, this girl and I are no longer friends (she's honestly a little psycho), and V and her breakup was really messy (like I said, she's PSYCHO) and...well, I kinda like him.
He walked me home from class late last night, and we were talking, about relationships (for the first time in the 3 yrs I've known him) and he asked about my ex and I brought up the psycho and told him we wern't really friends n e more and he got all excited and hugged me and I felt a little tingly...partially, because, I guess, I was glad he valued my friendship and was happy that it wasn't jepordized by the fact that she and I used to be tight...but also, I guess, because I sort of like him? I dunno, it's wierd...but something else on the radar I guess.
Anywho...I'm putting V on the back burner cuz I dont' have time to figure out thoes feelings yet...and we'll see what happens with *boy* (I guess we can start calling him I).
Any advice to how long I should wait to repsond to I? I mean, I don't like playing games...but he DID wait 30 hrs to respond to me...haha.
Also- send me skinny vibes today pls. I need them to not BINGE EAT EVERYTHING IN SIGHT...which is what I've BEEN doing...
I've realised, I've probably been taking days off my life being all stressed (not to mention overweight!), when in reality IT'S NOT THAT SERIOUS.
Seriously, think about it. What has been stressing me out, causing me to binge and break out and feel like crap?
1) a boy, who I don't know that well, who seems to like me and be nice, but who is by no means the only man in the world. as mom says, there are plenty of fish in the sea. So, it's not that serious.
2) a bad grade. I met with my prof., he was like "you need to work on your writing", but lets be real- my school has, like, the best dept. in the country for my major, and I haven't been doing too shabby in it thus far...this guy is just a european educated classical snobb who feels as though he's better than everyone else...so one C, in the grand scheme of things, is not that serious.
3) being fat. I'm fat. so what. I'm trying to change that, which is the first step. So, a few bad days? A bad week? Disappointing, but (say it with me now) not that serious.
4) The ex. I write, and last night I read over some stuff I'd written for him and wrote a final goodbye letter (that I'm not sending, it's just for me!) my fav. lines were "At seventeen, I would have died for you. Now, I realize what a waste that would have been."
And the greatest part? I totally mean it! So, conclusion? The fact that we're over and I'm alone: ITS JUST NOT THAT SEIROUS.
Everytime I've felt nervous today (which was a lot, b/c I messaged *boy* last night inviting him for coffee and had a fellowship interview which will determine what I do this summer, eek!) I've just been like, T, CHILL THE FUCK OUT. ITS NOT THAT SERIOUS.
Suprising how helpful it's been. So that's that for now- more later on food intake and diet outlook.
So I've been eating really crappily recently...e.g. since Thursday-ish?
I just got back a couple hours ago from my friend's g-ma's house a few states away, and the whole time we ATE ATE ATE and lay around.
I'm talking: lasagna, garlic bread, homemade cookies, apple french toast, quiche, biscuts, cheese cake...ugh.
So I officially binged at, like, EVERY MEAL. It was SICK. I feel really gross, to. So I need to get back on track and figure out what's bugging me so much. Because let's be real...I'm not eating like this for nothing.
Argh. I guess I'm just getting all nervous and bummed out about a lot of stuff...I mean, for the first time since high school I'm really, honestly, totally and completely ALONE. No man. No support system.
My friends are great, but totally limited human beings.
Also- I'm not doing so well in school. I mean, that's sort of a lie- I'm doing really well in 2 classes, not sure how i'm doing in 1, and TERRIBLY in the 4th. Luckily, my profs letting me rewrite this paper, but that's nerve racking as well- it just means I have A LOT of work to do in the near future.
Finally- this *boy*- I'm gonna break down and ask for some advice here. We've had a limited facebook exchange over the last two weeks...I messaged him, he messaged back. His reply was friendly, but he didn't directly respond to my statement that I'd like to go out again. He did, however, say I should have a good weekend away and added a smiley face. If you can't tell: I'm still interested in him.
So, should I just leave it alone and stay single, or should I reply mid week (say Wed.) asking him if he wants to grab coffee? It's rough, cuz all my friends are like "blah, blah just let it go..." but then again, they all have bfs/love interests and don't believe that a guy you have to pursue is worth it...
but I dunno, sometimes I have such low self asteem and feel like I'm never going to find a guy who likes me/thinks I'm pretty so I should jump on this one. Plus, let's be real, from what I know about him thus far, he seems pretty great.
But who knows...he could be an ass, or boring, or whatever. But do we think it's OK for me to ask him for coffee? I'm leading towards yes.
Anywho- back to food. I'm fat and disgusting and probably put back on the 2 lbs I lost last week. ARGH. So from now on, it's back to the diet.
I guess I just get FRUSTRATED because I feel as though, if I keep slipping up, I'll never get to goal. And then Mr. Ex will be right- I can't loose the weight. EVER. And that's a scary thought.
Oh well- there's not much I can do about it tonight. And hopefully, after tomorrow, things will be better.
WOW. FATTY. I know. Say it with me know...FATTY!!!
I think that puts me at around 50 pts for the day...and 3 pts over my weekly flex. NOOOO.
This is what I get for waiting until I get home at night to count my pts. I'm going to use my official WI from Wed. as my WI for the week, and then continue on going hard to make sure I get another loss this week.
I'm not going back into the 270s EVER. EVER.
EVER!
Ugh. I also kinda feel like I'm gonna vomit from all the food. Otherwise, I'd try to go work out.
Good thing though- even though I'm gonna eat a lot this weekend while I'm away, my roomate for next year and I decided to pack our workout clothes and get some exercise in. YAY!
The *boy* replied to my message all like "there will be other concerts blah blah have fun this weekend :)" (I told him on Sat. night I was going out of town this weekend and couldn't go to his show)
So basically, he's either:
1) undecided about stuff and biding his time to figure out this shit with this other girl
2)blowing me off in a very nice way
I think, for my own protection, I'm going with #2. That way, I can't be any MORE disappointed.
haHA!
So, filled with RAGE after recieiving this message, I called my mother, who was very sweet and told me I needed to chill out and stop awfulizing (which I do, if you haven't noticed), and then, to escape her scolding, I went to the gym.
And boy, did I go to the GYM.
1 hour on the elliptical (5 APs)
15 mins on the stair climber (3APs)
15 mins on the recumbent bike (1APs)
Since I couldn't, as Endurer suggested, beat the crap out of a punching bag as I wanted, I bet the crap out of myself on the machienes. And it felt GOOOOOOOOOD.
Not to mentioned I got 9 APs to eat tonight...and I think I might have a slice of pizza/brownie, because we're going out to sell brownies and cookies to drunk people at a local bar tonight...yumm.
Unfortunately, I wasted 1pt on eating the most FOUL leftover vegan lo mein...it STUNK so bad...yuck. My suite mate came home and was like "damn, something stinks" and I had already thrown it out in the bathroom!!!
Ick. Hope it doesn't make me puke later!
OK, off to do work/shower/go sell baked goods to drunkards (cuz let's face it, if they're getting WASTED on a Wed. night, they're def. drunkards!)
This is Going to be Profane...Not for the faint of heart!
Consider yourself warned.
So lucky for me, the scale says I've lost 2lbs since Friday. But that's about the only good thing going on in my life.
My prof. who gave me a C replied to my email, saying he is "glad i've agreed to rewrite the paper". At least one of us is glad.
The *boy* has not yet responded to my facebook message. I know he could be doing on of several things:
1) biding his time to figure out his shit with this other girl (most likely)
2)playing coy (asshole)
3) ignoring me in the hopes that I'll disappear
Great. I've gone from feeling disappointed about this to feeling fucking pissed. I didn't ask to go on a date with this guy- I was doing well living a life devoted to diet, exercise, school and GETTING OVER MY EX. And then drops in and fucks with my emotions...I don't even know him, and the combination of how nice he was on Sat. and the fact that now, there are obstacles between me and him dateing has made me want him A LOT. FUCK!
Also, I was gonna get up at 8:30 and work out- I got up at 10:30 and weighed myself. I have lunch/work/class straight through, and then I'm having dinner with this freshman guy who fucking ANNOYS me...but I agreed to go because he just wouldn't stop CALLING me.
And I feel sick. I've been having stomache issues a lot. The last two days I ate A LOT of chocolate, and last night I had tiramisu. Yumm, but I hope they don't show up on the scale on Friday. FUCK FUCK FUCK.
I'm just so frustrated. And I'm going from feeling really sad, to just really frickin' ANGRY.
I think after dinner w/ stupid freshman, I'll go to the gym or do tae bo or SOMETHING to get this all out of my system. Honestly, I just wanna hit something!
Thanks for listening. Believe it or not, I fell better. Earlier, I was thinking about calling in sick to work and curling up in my bed for the entire day. But I'm gonna go in (gotta make $$ for a new IPOD!).
So I heard through my friend that, although the *boy* likes me and thought I was "really great", he's got some "emotional baggage". Meaning?
Apparently, on Fri. night, some girl in his res. hall who he's been good friends with for a looong time broke up with her boyfriend (for him), got drunk in his room, jumped on him and was like "I broke up with my boyfriend for you...I want to be with you!" and (apparently) being the "gentleman" that he is, he replied by saying:
"I have a date tomorrow, plus I don't want to take advantage of her when she's messed up..." and not doing anything.
Then, we went out and had a great time. And apparently now he's all CONFUSED. Fucker.
I'm just really annoyed because, OK, I have emotional baggage as well (see: today would have been my 3 year aniversary with Mr. Ex and he called me this morning!!! Don't worry, I didn't pick up. No time for that today!!!)
But I really liked this guy. I ALLOWED myself to really begin to LIKE this guy. And now I'm really pissed because...because I wanted there to be something between us.
Shitty timing. My friends are all like "put it on the back burner"...and I know I should. But jeez! It's just really hard because I feel like its so easy for everyone else, and so hard for me (and by IT I mean moving on/dating)
So that was my rant. Food has been OK so far today. Off to class. Poo on the world.
T