Frustrated

I stepped on the scale this morning and it said I was up 7 lbs.  WHAT?  7 lbs?!?!?  But I've been so good.

I dunno, it could be water retention from being pre-menstural from the massive amounts of cheesits I ate last night...

but it's frustrating, cuz I've been doing good.

oh well, just keep going, right?  but it's hard not to get discouraged when you're overweight, with low self esteem, and look at yourself and are like GROSS.  It's odd, sometimes I'm so proud of my progress, and other times I feel like a disgusting disaster.  Do you know what I mean?  I thought I was gonna get out of hte 260s this week, and it's not looking like it... AT ALL.  And that's really depressing.  Really, REALLY depressing. 

Oh well, I guess I'll just have to stick to it and hope I see results.  Right?  RIGHT!

Happy Memorial Day!

So... it's almost June.  I turn 21 in 22 days!  YAY!

So in the three weeks until my birthday- I have a list of goals:

1) loose 10 lbs (I know that's A LOT for three weeks, but I'm gonna go for it anyways!)

and to do this I am going to:

2) work out at the gym 6 days a week for 1 hour a day

3) walk every morning with my mom

4) eat HEALTHY.  this means smaller portions and cutting back on carbs in addition to WW flex plan.

I'm excited!  I've been so nervous about my birthday *week* (yeah, I know, I'm self indulgent with a whole week!) because my bff is coming to visit and we're gonna be going out a lot and i've never been out to REAL clubs with REAL men that I have to flirt with...haha, by real men I mean not college guys :)

I dunno, it's a lot of pressure, havin gotten out of a serious relationship a month and a half ago and still dragging around all this "ex" weight (I gained most of it during our relationship).  So yeah.  I've got a lot on my plate.  But I'm gonna DO it.  HaHA. 

So let's go, girls.  Keep me accountable.  Let's do this!

Life's Not Gonna Wait

I am starting to feel better.  I am almost done with my school work.  My bff's plans are official- she's coming to visit me for my birthday!  In 27 days!!!

YAY!

And I leave for LA in a month and a half.

So I've decided it's time to re-evaluate and start over.  I'm doing WW, which is soooo much easier to do at home then at school.  I am finishing my last final paper TONIGHT and TOMORROW.  And after that:

I am gonna go back to showering every day.

I am gonna do my nails.

I am gonna work to make some extra money.

I am going to start going to the gym more regularly/going on long walks with my mom.

I am gonna stay on plan and not loose sight of what I want.

Yesterday I bought myself a silver necklace as a reminder of the things I want.  For Christmas, 2005, my Ex bought me a diamond heart pendant, which I wore for the first 2 years of our relationship every day.  Finally, last summer, the chain caught on his watch and it broke.  It's been in a pocket of my purse ever since. 

Believe it or not, that necklace was symbolic for me- symbolic of our relationship, our love...of us being together for ever.  And when it broke and we "never got around" to fixing it, I sort of knew it was over.

This new necklace, with a little heart and a little key dangling from it, is a new symbol.  It's a symbol of what I want, of who I am becoming.  This weight loss journey for me has been so much more than just shedding pounds- it's been about loosing ALL of the dead weight, physical and emotional, that's prevented me from being the woman I want to be.  So this heart and key are symbolic of the fact that I have gotten out of this abusive relationship, and that I hold the key to my own happiness.  It is something I will carry with me to remind me that I control what I eat, and that I am strong enough to make good decisions.  It is  reminder that I control my body, and that although a part of me will always love Mr. Ex, he doesn't have any right to my body-- or my heart. 

So here's to me, to US.  Here's to new beginnings and staying strong and fighting for what we deserve.  If I can do it, so can all of you.  I'm sure of that :)

So, after 3 weeks of illness...

I have lost 7.6 lbs!  Yay. 

My scale kinda lied to me this morning- first it said 251.4...twice.  But then, after doing it a bunch more times, it read 261.8.  And this is after three weeks of eating what I feel like and being REALLY sick (the first week I didn't eat at all, just apple juice and popsicles, the 2nd week I ate sort of what i wanted, but like 1 meal of pasta a day, the 3rd week I've been at home, eating kinda what I want, but my appetite is way down.  and I HAVE NOT BINGED AT ALL!!!)

so yay.

I will not loose this momentum.  I will keep going.  Tomorrow I'm allowed to start exercising again, and I'm really excited about it.  I have less than one month to my b-day and only 18.8 more lbs to loose 'till I hit my 10%.  Which works out to loosing 4 lbs a week- which is a bit much...but who knows?!?  I bet if I do a modified south beach diet and work out really hard, I CAN DO IT.

If not- I'll alter my goal to 10% by LA, which I think is definately doable.

Wish me luck!  I'm back!!!

I'm Back (Sort of)

I'm home, finishing up my work for the semester to become a senior, and getting ready to go to LA at the end of June for an internship.

The Good: 

1. I think I've lost *a little* weight due to this mono thing.  Plus, eating healthy from home is A LOT easier than at school. 

2. My bff is coming to visit me for my 21st in like a month :)

3.  I'm feeling A LOT better, and can start exercising again in like a week

4.  I found out one of my former best friends from high school who I fell out of a touch with is going to be in LA this summer too, and so we'll have a change to re-connect, which is really great.

The BAD:

1. I have 2 papers to write- 1 for Friday and 1 for next week...and all I want to do is watch TV and catch up on my fav shows I was too medicated to watch.

2. The Mr. Ex is proving to be a HUGE asshole (no suprise!).  I texted him I was really sick, and then on Sat. I get this shitty email complete with a pic. of him and his fam at the Cubs game, being like "hey, I'm home...if you wanna hang out.  I'll always be your friend" and singed LOVE.  What a dick.  No "I'm sorry you're really sick...how are u?"  NOTHING.  ARGHHHH!!!!!  I have a lot of rage, but it's getting easier to not miss him every day.

3.  I'm starting to facebook my roomies for the summer, and they're all skinny skinny hott girls.  One just friended me and she's got an AMAZING body and a really hott boyfriend...so I hate her already.  And the others are just stick thin blondes.  But I guess this is what I get for going to LA, right?  It just sucks, cuz I'm gonna be the FATTY in the house.

Argh.  That's it.  Now I'm off to watch an episode of gossip girl and NOT do work...

I'm such a slacker and its gonna bite me in the ass.  I KNOW IT.

More later :)

The results are in...

I have mono.  And strep throat. 

Fun, right?  A swollen liver and spleen.  I just started eating again yesterday.  The only upside is, I'm hoping this will jumpstart my summer WL?  I dunno- maybe it will, maybe it won't.

Good thing is, there's no way I'm bingeing on the little bread, pasta, popsicles and liquids I can barely swallow. 

The bad news- No exerecise for another three weeks minimum.  Plus, I'm missing 3x weeks of work for this...which, is, like, $700 at the end of the semester.

Jerks.

I'll try to post more later- just wanted to keep in touch with you ladies and let you know I haven't been bingeing-MIA, but just really, really sick, vomitting up everything I consume (including water?!?  wtf!), struggling to breathe and sleeping 16 hours a day.

I've been MIA because...

I've been extreemly, extreemly sick.  nastily sick.

since tuesday.

and it's not getting better.  i feel like im dying.  headache, nausea, soar throat, stuffy nose, not to mention the glands in my neck are HUGE. like big marbles/small golf balls.

yuck.

and i've got so much work to do.  i'm dying.  i feel awful.  it's a huge pitty party in my brain here.  i am so depressed.  i hate being sick.  MAKE ME BETTER.

thats all.

A Quickie

WL is not happening.  I'm pretty sure gaining is, but right now all I can try to do is not gorge myself.  And drink lots of water.

It's hard, cuz one of my suite mates is struggling with depression and loosing A LOT of weight, so she always buys cookies and chips and stuff for the suite (i suspect to try to gain back some of it- she's really having problems, her clothes are falling off her and everything) but I end up eating them...gross.  I guess I don't understand how you can just loose weight like that wihtout trying, and you can't stop it.  JUST EAT DAMNIT.

but i guess that's not very understanding of me, is it?

Anyways...I'm feeling better today.  Back in the library.  Be here all day.  I'll peruse your blogs as they're updated.  But not it's back to work!

-T

I Feel Like Sh*t

I do.  Why, you ask?

Because:

1) I have a headache

2) I feel anxious and depressed

3) I'm exhausted and still have a lot more shit to do

4)I have a huge zit on my face

5) Mr. Ex called.  For the first time in weeks.  "Just to say hi"

I told him I can't have him in my life.  But he was like "just wanted to see how your doing" selfish ASSHOLE.

I'm doing rotten, is how I'm doing.  I spent this morning on the phone w. my mom, crying because i feel so exhausted and depressed.  she reminded me finals at my school are always like this, but for whatever reason, it seems particularly bad this time around.

jeeeezzzz.  it's funny, cuz 2 of m 3 best friends have gone on anti-depressants sicne coming here.  as have I (breifly).  and the third isn't emotionally phased by anything.

not that I can blame school.  my life has been pretty shitty lately.  with all of the breaking up and the like.  jesus, i still can't  believe he had the nerve to call me.  WHAT A DICK.  like we're friends or soemthing.  I wonder if his GIRLFRIEND knows he's calling me (I'm sure he has some sort of somebody there...even if she's not reallya  girlfriend, but just a fuck buddy...he's THAT kind of guy).

jeez i'm gonna start crying again.  do you all ever feel like its impossible?  cuz that's how im feeling now. 

AHHHHHHHHHH!  (I'm virtually screaming, since I'm in the library and can't scream for real!)

more latas.

I Want This

As you all know, I've been struggling a lot lately.  This has been really rough.  I'm overwhelmed by work, stressed and exhausted.  Tomorrow, I'm locking myself in the library :) 

If I can get in a workout before hand, great.  Otherwise...just work work work all day long. 

I'e realised, I would really like to do this.  My 21st birthday is exactly 2 months from yesterday.  And honestly, I know that if I worked hard at it I could get to my 10% by then...or at least loose 15-20 lbs.  And feel great.  And this is something I WANT.  I WANT to feel better.  Honestly, I'm just sick of making myself sick. 

You know what I mean? 

I dunno.  I know this is something I want.  I KNOW it. 

Argh.  Any words of encouragement are welcome.

As for updates on other aspects of my life: I had dinner with *I* the other night...it was good.  He's nice.  I dunno if it's going n e where (plus I'm too stressed to chase him now n e ways!) but it was still nice.

Anyways, I'm tired.  To bed soon.  Night!