CAKE. There was Red Velvet Cake (which I'd never had before) in the office today! And even worse, one of my bosses came over and 'got' me for it (even thought I was sitting at my desk, headphones on, working furiously!) and was like "Cake, T! Cake! It's red velvet. What? You've never had it before. You HAVE to have it!" so I went. And I did. A piece and a half. So good. Probably 500 calories. But SO GOOD.
I mean, yes, I was peer pressured...but I made the DECISION to indulge. And the rest of the day I was totally on point.
1 tsp. peanut butter, sugar free cappacino and light n' fit yogart for breakfast
1 c. uncooked carrots for morning snack
Chipotle (AGAIN...but SO GOOD and FILLING and ON PLAN) for lunch
Red Velvet death for snack
About 6 oz lean chicken thighs w/ Spinach, Mushrooms and Garlic cooked in a little butter, with Pesto for dinner.
So, for me, that's GREAT. It's 6 servings of veggies (OMG! SOOO much for T!), a lot of protien, and more sugar/fat/carbs then I wanted, but hey, it's life. We gotta live it!
So, TGIF you guys, and have a great weekend! I'm off to do a workout DVD and attempt not to shake my house and disturb my housemates too much (I'm on the second floor!).
Let me explain. After work, I went to DSW in Hollywood. Sadly, I was STARVING and GRUMPY, and then couldn't find my sexy red shoes. So then I was mad. And because Parking is so F*ing expensie in Hollywood, I had to buy SOMETHING to get it validated...So I ended up buying some realy cute (and pretty cheap) on sale Pink pumps. They're soooo cute! I can't find them online, or else I'd post a picture, but they're really cute. And don't get me wrong, I'm glad I own them...but I probably SHOULDN'T have bought them...especially because I still want the red ones. And the purchase was not as fufilling as it could have been, because I was rushed and grumpy.
So then, finally, around 7 I made it to Chipotle where I got my new favorite food...a burrito bowl sans rice. At 555 calories and 3 servings of veggies, it's sooo good and sooo filling! And on this diet, I need foods like that!
So, as everyone on EP talks a lot about 'The Biggest Looser,' when I got home (grumpy and STARVING) I curled up on my bed with my burrito bowl, put on my new heels (I know, I'm wierd) and lay around eating and watching the first 5 episodes of the Biggest Looser Australia...and I SEE why it's addicting.
The one thing I don't understand is how a smallish woman, who weighs, like, 104 kilos (which is like 220?) lost 9.4 kilos in the first week! That's 20 lbs! And some of them men lost even more. IS THAT POSSIBLE? I mean, if it is, BRING IT ON! But somehow, I feel as though it's NOT. Which was my one quibble with the show.
Well, now I'm at work, and unfortuantley my computer almost cracked in half (eek!) when I sad down...the right hindge has been iffy since finals, but I think I pieced it back together sufficiently. If I don't post again for a while, it's cuz it's died and I'm freaking out. Otherwise, more later. TGIF, ya'll!
So- Day 4 is here and I have done the UNIMAGINABLE.
I was in charge of brining food for my jobs weekly legal meeting, and, wanting to stay true to form (and really, to tired to bake and cheap) I got donuts.
Yes. Last night I looked for donut shops (there are no Dunkin' Donuts in LA? Can you believe that?), and ended up going to a place a Yum Yums first thing this morning. It smelled delicious, and I ordered 2 dozen fresh, delicious, greasy, glisenting ones.
I then had to shift them into two boxes from the three they came in (pain), and keep them at my desk all afternoon, until the meeting after lunch.
AND I DIDN'T EAT A SINGLE ONE. I COULD HAVE. BUT I DIDNT.
I told myself this morning, when I was shifting them from box to box, that I could have one. Two even. I knew there were enough so that one wouldn't be missed. I said, "T, go ahead. If you want one, eat it!" But I didn't.
Then, at the meeting, when everyone else was digging in, I thought, do you WANT one? You can eat it. You've had NO carbs today, and one little donut, or even half of one, wouldn't kill you.
But then I imagined the fat and sugar in my stomach, clogging up my artiers, dumping insulin into my blood and creating more fat, giving me even more of the ugly red streach marks on my stomach, making me more unhappy, and I said...
"Hell No!"
Bottom line: for once in my life, I don't mind being hungry. I don't mind eating healthy. Because it's a choice. Just like eating the donuts would have been a choice. And man, it's EMPOWERING.
Jeez, I must sound like a broken record with all of this 'choice' rhetoric. But I dunno, I think it's really helping me.
In other news, yesterday I went to the book store and read most of Jillian Michael's 'Winning by Loosing' book. And, of all the things it taught me, the fact that I'm a 'fast oxidizer' was the most revolutionary. I took the quiz in the book, and answering the questions made it so UNBELIVEABLY clear...everything from my relationship to food, how I feel after eating carbs v. protien and even BEHAVIORS matched up. Scary.
Basically, what it means is I burn through carbs super fast, and my ideal diet should be 20% carbs, 30% fat and 50% protien. So that's what I'm thinking of doing after SB phase 1 is done. It's actually really close to the Zone Diet...so that's promising.
So yeah, longwinded as usual. I think I might go to the shoe store after work...haha see if they have the red sandals I have my eyes on on DSW.com...because if they fit perfectly, I can DEFINATLEY justify the purchase
OK, so Day Three behind me, and I really think I'm doing well.
The one thing I'm worried about it depriving myself TOO much, but it seems like when you make the decision to eat healthy, it's not deprivation...so I don't know.
I mean, I had 2 oz lox and a sugar free instant cappacino for breakfast (150 cal), Yogart (80), Soup (240), Carrots (50) and Rasberries (35) for lunch for a total of 555 calories.
Then, after work I had a 90 calorie sugar free vanilla skim latte at starbucks, and dinner was a two egg omlette with low fat cheddar cheese, peppers and mushrooms ( /- 552)...for a grand total of 1197...which is actually, all things considered, not to bad for a sedentary day.
I dunno, some times I just feel so bogged down by all the calorie counting, point counting, this-should-be-a-way-of-life blah blah crap. You know?
I guess I like my modified South Beach phase 1 so much because it really lets me EAT HEALTHY and CONTROLL my portions without a lot of counting. I mean, I didn't think about calories ONCE today until just now, when I sat down, looked them up and added.
Well hey, it's working for me, so I'ma do it. I mean, besides the grumbling of my stomach (it's yelling, FEED ME CARBS, BIACH!!! FEED MY EMOTIONAL HUNGER!!!) I feel AMAZING. Seriously. I dunno, something is different this time. I feel so cognizent, so willing. I think it's the first time I've 'dieted' that I actually feel like it's my choice, and like I'm not depriving myself. I think, in telling myself "go ahead, have that chocolate/pasta/cake/rice crispy/ pretzel/brownie, it won't kill you. other people do it. so why shouldn't you?" EVERY time I'm confronted with a food that's "bad" for me, and then really THINKING about if I want it, I feel complicit in my healthy eating. For once, I don't feel like I'm doing it to please anyone else, or society as a whole. I'm doing it becaue I choose to. Because I have CHOSEN not to and become fat, and now I want to try something else.
It's not like I'll never eat thoes things again- pizza, pasta, chocolate, cake, SUGAR, CARBS...
They'll just be treats, reserved for birthdays or "once in a blue moon" splurges. Because I DECIDED they'll be. And that, my dears, is that.
As for sweater wraps...I BOUGHT one online today! They're so in right now, and one of my friends had bought the LAST ONE at Forever 21 when we were shopping together a few weeks ago (of course, she weighs 97 lbs and is an XS, so if there HAD been more, they probably WOULDN'T have fit me...) and then, while at work today, bored out of my SKULL, I looked online again and again until I FOUND ONE. And guess what? It was the LAST one! That's right, IN MY SIZE. Nedless to say, even though it was a LITTLE pricey, I'm still estatic! And if it doesn't fit, they allow returns. So YAY.
Also, I found the most amazing pair of red slingback peeptoe heels onsale on DSW.com (did you know you can shop DSW online? I discovered this today and BOY did it waste my time!). Alas, they're $40, and I DO NOT need more shoes. So, who knows...maybe I'll buy them after completing these two weeks as a reward? We'll see. I'm soooo tempted. Bad T. Don't spend money you don't have!
Well, better on shoes than on chocolate, right?
Anyways, that's about it for now. More tomorrow. Day 4, here I COME!
So, I'm sitting at work with (technically) 50 minutes left till I should leave...however, since I AM an intern...I may leave a tad early...
It doesn't help that I'm STARVING. And it's really my own fault. I know this.
For breakfast, I had maybe 1/2 a cup of rasberries and a cup of skim milk.
For lunch, I had a salad with lettuce, peppers, strawberries and blueberries and a yummy balsamic vinegar/oil dressing, which would have been AMAZING if silly T hadn't decided to drown it in dressing the night before and leave it sitting in the fridge. The lettuce was soggy :(. But it was still good, and I ate it, along with 2 oz of smoked salmon. Also yummy. But, not enough calories to sustain a big girl like myself.
So I'm starving, unable to focus and fantasizing about POTATOES. A strange thing to fantasize about, I know, but it goes something like this:
"I'm going to the grocery store after work... I need yougart for lunches...what else should I get? Ohh, I know, eggs and veggies and ham for a delicious omlett like the ones they make at this diner by my house...oh, and you know what makes thoes omletts so good...the butter drenched shredded POTATOES they come with..."
Now, it's not like potatoes are refined white pasta, I tell myself, I mean, how bad can they be? They're from the ground?
But the real question is: DO I WANT POTATOES, or DO I WANT A HOT BODY, HEALTH, SELF- CONFIDENCE AND FERTILITY?
Ummm...the second one? Especially because whatever weak ass potatoes I make at home will not be NEARLY as good as the ones at the diner...yummm.
So no potatoes. I'll make an omlett tomorrow, but tonight, dinner is a Chipotle burrito bowl w/o rice, just beans, veggies, steak and cheese. Not super low fat, but I figure...it's pretty much my fat for the DAY, so I'll be alright.
Work dragged on a bit, but I when I left at 5 I went to blockbuster to return some DVDs, and then to Whole Foods. And boy did I shop.
I made myself a delicious chicken breast in tomato sauce with mushrooms and green peppers for dinner (yummy!) and topped it with a little bit of low-fat shredded cheese. And I made a really good looking salad that I will eat for lunch tomorrow with some smoked salmon I bought. It's got lettuce, green peppers and berries in it! I love that berries are a low carb fruit!
All in all, I'm feeling good! Strong! My one major dillema is exercise. It's just so hot here, and...well, no excuses. My ass is lazy. And after a long day all I really want to do is curl up, hug my full belly and watch some mind numbing TV.
Even though I know it's not what's best for me.
Argh. It's hard, because I feel like I really do self-sabatoge. I think about Mr. Ex more than I should, and let myself suffer frequent twignes of sadness thinking about what he did to me. And even though I'm eating healthy, I can't get myself to exercise...
Although to be honest, I deserve some MAJOR credit for something I did today...
At work, around 4:00, some delicious brownies appeared in the kitchen area for all to eat. A few minutes later an email went out declaring that they were opened to all and everyone. I was really, really hungry. But I didn't have any. And I didn't WANT to have any, because, when the craving began, I asked myself "T, do you want one of thoes brownies? Two, maybe? Because you can have them if you want. You can have them and not feel bad or gluttonous, you can just eat them if you want to" and I thought about it. I KNEW what they would taste like. I KNEW the sugar rush I would get. And I KNEW how dry and sticky my mouth would feel afterwards. So I CHOSE not to (If you can't tell, I've been all about CHOICE lately). So that was major, because I left and I didn't think about them, or feel bad for not eating them. I made a choice, and I stand behind it. I'm hoping to stand behind ALL my choices from now on.
So, no more feeling helpless. I am EMPOWERED through CHOICE.
I've chosen to eat well today, and I feel good. What good choices have you made today?
I didn't get my walk in this morning- and I know why. I made the choice. I made the choice not to get out of bed and walk for half an hour. Instead, I choose to sleep an extra hour.
However, I did THEN make the choice to dig out my soup, go to the grocery and buy blackberries, light n' fit yougart and a coke zero to round out my lunch.
And I remembered my vitamin. These are all things I am doing well and should be proud of. I AM proud of them. Because if I choose not to walk, I choose not to walk. I think instead, tonight, I will spend half an hour dancing around my room to a mix I'll make, and burn calories that way. The walking will come, I'm sure, but here in LA, where the polution makes my glands hurt and the heat is sometimes unbearable, I may not walk. And that's OK. :)
I've been thinking a lot since I posted last night about doing this. Loosing weight. Getting healthy. And I 've realized there are some things I need to except in order to do it.
1) Loosing weight will NOT make me happy. There will still be bad days, heartbreaks and moments where I hate myself. It's not a fix-all.
2) I have to set REALISTIC goals. No more than 2 lbs a week. Maybe even only 1 lb a week. But even if I can just loose a pound a week, consistently, from now until I graduate, I'll still be 35 lbs down, and THAT would still be amazing. Too often we set unrealistic goals for ourselves, setting ourselves up for failure.
3) Weight loss HAS to be a CHOICE. You can't do it because you feel deficient, or unhappy. You can 't do it to make other people love you more, or get other's approval. Every time I've tried to do it for other people- my mother, my friends, boys and more specifically Mr. Ex, I've failed. And why? Because deep down I always knew I didn't WANT to have to loose weight to be loved and excepted. And I don't. But what I DO want is to feel more energized, happier, full of life, to live a more streamlined and healthful existence. And that's what I'm going to do.
So- so far today I'm on my second glass of water, no coffee so far (the office coffe was DISGUSTING today...maybe also because I'm cutting out mixing it with hot cocoa to elimiate the sugar...), but I'm excited for my lunch. My goal is six glasses of water at work.
Then, after work, it's to whole foods for dinner food (I think I'll make chicken and veggies :)
Today is day 0. Ground 0. The starting point. And I think I am finally ready. Why? Because, like the last time I remember really significantly loosing weight for myself, there is nothing else I can do besides continue eating the crap I'm eating and feeling bad about myself.
Because post-everything, post-Mr. Ex, post-childhood and post-depression, I'm finally feeling content. Not depressed. Not anxious (in an unhealthy way, at least). I know what I need to do to get what I want, and I'm ready.
I talked to Mr. Ex for the last time on Wednesday, August 6th 2008. And I am never planning on speaking to him again. What he did to me, betraying me, was unconcionable. But not really suprising. And I deserve, and will find, someone better than that, regardless of my weight.
But I feel unhappy and unhealthy. And it would be nice to stop punishing myself. Stop engaging in abusive relationships with men, and with food. To move forward.
So I've decided to start telling the truth about myself. The whole truth.
I have not been on a scale in over two months, and I like it that way. The first time I remeber weighing myself was eleven years ago, and I've felt fat ever since. No more.
My goal is health, not just weight loss. I've acumulated a fat around my middle that I don't like, and I want it to go away. It's not healthy. And it's ugly. So I want to change it. More than I want chocolate, or pie, ice cream or pasta.
I have never been able to cross my legs, and that would be nice too, I think.
And most of all, I want to look at ALL pictures of myself and feel proud and beautiful. Because I think I AM a beautiful woman, and the layers of fat are just a defense mechanism. So what am I gonna do to jump-start my weightloss?
Easy as 1-2-3.
1) Southbeach phase 1 for two weeks. Cutting out carbs and sugar. Eating A LOT more fruits and veggies. The last time I did it it worked WONDERS (given, I was 16 or so), but I remember it made me feel GREAT. I've been really struggling with acne and bloating, and I hope two weeks of SB with cleanse me out. It's not about depravation, it's a CHOICE I'm making.
After the two weeks, it's back to WW, or else the Zone. I haven't decided which yet, but I figure the first two weeks gives me some time to really think on it.
2) Start walking again. At least half an hour every day, preferably in the morning before it's too hot. I'd ideally love to do an hour, and I don't really have an excuse not to, except for that I like to SLEEP in...haha, but this is much more important to me. That I know.
3) Don't give up because it's too HARD or EXHAUSING. Just keep moving forward. This is a CHOICE I'm making, like how I chose to study for the LSAT today, or how I CHOSE to buy ice cream the last time I went to the grocery.
I will not give up because I am 21 years old and want to be healthy. I'm making this a priority over eating junk.
In addition to these things, I'll be drinking A LOT of water, taking a multivitamin, watching MAXIMUM 1 hour of TV a day for the next two weeks, and after that, I'll see how I feel.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm scared. Of failing. Of letting myself down AGAIN. But so what? I mean, the bottom line is I'm deciding to do this because it's something I WANT, something I NEED. For me. And if I let myself down, well, that's a shame, but I'm accountable only to, and if I mess up, I'm only hurting myself.
Something that helps me along is making a list of reasons why I want to loose weight. In the past, they've been to wraped around other people- Mr. Ex and his family, the need to attract male attention, etc. No more.
Why I Want to Get Healthy:
-Fell better/have more energy
-Fertility
-Be able to RUN around, go for jogs, dance without getting out of breath
-Wear the clothes I see and like at "normal" size stores (e.g. be a size 14 again) and be able to clothes shop with my friends
-Feel sexy and increase my confidance
-Stop punishing myself for abuse I've suffered that HAS NEVER been my fault
So that's my list so far. It's cute, isn't it? And I think I'm ready. So here I go. 14 days to a better, happier and more alive me. 14 days won't solve my problems, but it's a good start, a great beginning, and exactly what I need right now.
I've had a very rough two days. And not necessarily food wise. Food wise, it's been difficult deciding what to eat...and easier to just make a tequila sunrise and skip the cooking hassel.
Yesterday, Mr. Ex's new girlfriend messaged me. Turns out they've been together since we broke up. I knew this girl from before, but he'd assured me they were just friends.
She wanted to know if we'd been talking (which we had) and if he'd been saying romantic things to me (he's been telling me he still loves me for two months).
I had no idea they were together. He's been lying to me. The entire time. And I feel soo betrayed. After giving him chance after chance, I could not believe he had manipulated me and used me like that. He'd cheated on her with me without me knowing. Which means he probably cheated on me with her.
And then when I confronted him, he had the audacity to say he LOVED her to me. And that he wasn't in love with me anymore. Regardless of everything he's been saying.
I've told most my friends, but honestly, I've tried to write it so many times over the last two days, and when I get to this part I alwasy give up because I feel to sick. I'm just so disgusted. There are no words.
I want a fresh start. But I'm so messed up over this I have no idea what to do.
It's wild- after getting sick and seeing my weight go up/down/up/down and then having to focus on 1) finishing out the semester and then 2) turning 21!!! (which I DID and it was AWSOME) and then 3) moving to LA for the summer (which is where i AM. ALSO AWSOME)...well, let's just say...I haven't been on a scale or to the gym since. I started walking at home, which I really enjoy, but since I've been here (2.5 weeks), I haven't had the chance.
My life has been...well...life. And WL, as important as it is, is not where my focus is right now. Instead, it's been on :
-getting over Mr. Ex
-Deciding wheather I really want to go to law school (I think I do)
-Getting ready to APPLY to law school
-enjoying my AMAZING internship with the coolest boss ever
-Realizing I need to chill the fuck out and relish my last year of college, because it's almost over
-Living on my own in a city with no one I know for the first time
Whoo... it's been exhausting. And i think I've realized a few things:
1) I need to cut Mr. Ex out of my life. I'm 5/7ths (random, I know) of the way over him, but I have a feeling the last 2/7ths are gonna be the hardest.
I called him last night (it was an aniversary of sorts), not remembering but feeling a really strong pull from him...stronger than I have in a long time. And as angry as I've been and as much shit as I've given him, last night I watched some cute videos of us he'd taken when he visited me at school just goofing around and being silly, and I realized that, while I don't miss him per se, I miss what we used to have. I miss the way he looked at me. I miss the way he (at least for a time) loved me. And I think that helps me realize WHY I stayed with him so long, even while he abused me. And realizing that we did in fact have something special and that it is in fact gone has been really, really difficult. But being across the country helps :)
As for LA- it's not the shallow horror I imagined. Although it has turned one of my former friends into a shallow and self centered bitch (in all fairness, she was still self-centered when we were friends in hs, but after 2 summers in LA...whoo...I can't stand her!), the people I work with are extreemly extreemly kind, nice, smart and, well, LIKE ME. My boss is really intimidating in her ferociousness (she's the bomb and I want her life), she's still someone I aspire to be like, and all the other interns are so cool! And living on my own, although it has been scary, is really GOOD for me. I need to learn how to conquer this lonliness and overcome my fears. To go out on a limb and get knocked down and rejected. To FAIL. It's so important, I've realized, to living a full life.
Also, something else that came to me the other day:
Life is not a race, and thoes that finish first definately don't win.
So why do we treat it that way some times? What's the rush? I think I've realized that I will loose weight in due time. I will achieve the things I want in due time. But I need to STOP focusing on the next step. If I go to law school it's because I WANT to go to school to be a LAWYER. Not becuase I need to hurry up and get to point B, or C, or whatever. I don't need to get married before I'm 26 or 28 or 30...it will happen when it happens. And even if I'm older and can no longer have kids- I'll adopt! This world is full of so many wonderful and inspiring things, and life is SO beautiful...
So maybe I shouldn't be saying this on a WL blog, but right now, loosing weight is not my top priority. It's not even on my to do list. BEING HAPPY is on my list. And I think that if I honestly start with my heart, listen to my body and do what feels right, I'll get to a place that's better than any I've ever occupied in my life.
As for my blog- I'll keep updating. It may not be as much about WL as it could be...but hey, what are yo ugonna do. I love EP. And I missed it.
