And it's not. It's definately not. I've been working on this post for almost a week now and it's not right.
Here I am, a Senior in College, whose two pants sizes up from four years ago, when I was a senior in high school. I look back at the pictures of me then and I'm like, wow. I was cute. Why did I feel so FAT? Because NOW I'm fat.
And my life, life as a fat single girl who had her heart broken and is desperately trying to get back on track, to go to law school (if I can figure out how to pay for it), to find the love of my life, to get my- excuse my french- shit together, and it's DEFINATELY not easy.
For starters, I'm at work right now, and EVERYTHING smells like tequila. Probably because I hung out with some ppl, drank a ton of wine, then went home and had 2 shots of tequila with the boy I like (who just so happened to be in my room with my roomate and our friend, getting drunk b/c it was his birthday and his ex gf had shown up at his party earlier), and I realized he doesn't like me like that...PERIOD. It's sad for me b/c we're friends, and I really like him as a person as well as as a *boy*, and after being let down by *I*, a saga I will explain at a later date (see: he's just not that into me), I feel sad and lonely. So of course, last night I called this boy who's had a huge crush on me since high school who I started talking to again over the summer, and we talked for hours (both being drunk) and I'm pretty sure I've led him on hardcore. The problem is, I'm not sure I like him like that.
I like this other guy, who DOESN'T LIKE ME. It's just hard cuz my two best friends at school are in serious relationships, and for the first time since I've known them, I'm not. And that's hard. It's hard being fat and hungover and feeling lonely.
Ugh. I want to get my shit together. To feel conifdent and sexy. To feel pretty. To feel WANTED. It's just hard. But you know what? I can do this. It's not TOO hard...people do it all the time. Eat healthy, work out every day. It's doable. I just choose not to do it. I choose to eat shit and watch TV instead of working out. But I'm not going to do it anymore. I'm going to live every day like the gift it is. I'm going to start taking care of myself, because I DESERVE it. Alone time, friend time, ME time...ITS TIME. I'm no longer sitting around waiting for my life to start: it's started.
So I'm going to start living it. And I don't need anyone or anything to do that. When the time is right, when I'm the woman I want to be, be it 1, 2, 5 or 10 years from now, it'll come together. I have faith. Its time.
Hey Everybody. I know, I know, I've been negligent again.
I've been back at school, with my friends and working hard (and the semester's just started!) and reevaluating what I want. What I NEED. Things with *I* have been sooo strange since I've gotten back. It's wierd, because although he's been into me (due to our summer correspondence), and then he asked me to have dinner, but he seems to kind of be on cloud nine. Ugh. Whatever.
I've just been thinking so much about what's important to me, about what I want...and it's hard. I want so much- specifically, a good man- and I want to be thin to get it. I want to feel fit and sexy. It's been so long since I've felt good about myself.
For some reason last night, on my way out of Cali, I decided to have an in-and-out double double cheesburger. Bad decision. I feel gross. and it must have been 800 calories. GROSS. Never again. I feel so naceous.
As for me, I'm driving across the country right now, internet is scarce, so you might not hear from me until I'm back in the Chi. You never know though. Wish me luck with my fast food eating!
So I'll just write about something else, since I hate repitition.
I'm really hungry today, for some strange reason, even thought I had my turkey sausage for breakfast, along with 1/2 a cup of coffee with milk and splenda. So I just ate my lunch- which was a cup of Chicken Saag left over from dinner last night...and let me tell you, it's my new FAVORITE dish. I switched from chicken tikka masala, which Mr. Ex had introduced me to, which is ALSO made out of butter, cream, ghee (condensed butter) and a little tomato (I know, I've MADE it!), to Chicken Saag, which is spinach and yogart based and yuuuuummmm, it's just as good...if not BETTER. So that was great, because I ate A TON of it for dinner last night.
But I digress. Lunch was Chicken Saag and a light n' fit yogart, which is nothing to get excited about. And I'm still hungry. But lucky for me, my dad's coming in to LA tonight, and we're going out to dinner. I think I'm gonna take him to this AMAZING Italian place I know of that's sooooo good. And I'm gonna have pasta. It's OK though. I've worked out hard the last three days, and I feel good about it. It's a planned decision.
So I'm scrambling to get all my work done before I leave (as you can tell...me being on EP and all...hahah), and am feeling slightly better than yesterday. Strangely, I didn't sleep well last night, a mix of nervous energy and the loudness that is pre-rush partying on the campus where I'm subletting (all my housemates went out and got wasted...and then came home and were LOUD).
I think I'm nervous about leaving LA, and excited/scared for Senior year. I don't know if you all remember *I* from last semester, but for thoes of you that don't/don't follow my blog, I'll recap.
He saw my picture on facebook and asked a mutual friend to hook us up for a big blind-date dance in the spring. We went and had a good time. We had dinner later, but things didn't really go anywhere (e.g. after dinner he didnt' call me, even thought he said he would!)
I got mono and left school. Now here's where there's new news:
A few weeks after the semester ended, he facebook messaged me, apologizing for not calling and saying we should hang out in the fall. I was like, sure. Then, he wrote on my facebook wall saying happy birthday, and when I didn't respond to that, he posed again later being like "looking good". haha. ego boost much?
So then I was like, thanks, and we messaged for a little while, and he kept being like "oh, you should have a lot of stories to tell me in the fall" and stuff like that, alluding to us hanging out. And then he ended his final message being like "I've heard everyone's really good looking in LA so make yourself at home!" HAHAHAH!
HAHAH!
I know, right? I was so tickled.
So needless to say, I'm really digging him, but unsure about how to proceed in the fall. I mean, he's cute, was a total gentlman on our dates, but after not calling me I had sent him off to the land of lost men. And I don't really feel like playing games and getting emotionally toyed with. But on the other hand...it's been a LONG time since I've had a positive romantic encounter with someone. A REALLY LONG TIME.
Also- I dont' want to seem to eager. I mean...isn't it the case that guys like to chase? But then again, he's seemed so painstakingly shy both times we went out... like I intimidate him or something. I don't know. I have a little over a week until I'm back at school, so I'ma think about my next move and let you guys know
OK- lunch is over. Back to the grind. One last thing- thanks for all your encouragment yesterday. I was feeling really blue, but you guys put a smile back on my face and a twinkle back in my eye. Later!
Since I posted last night, I've been struggling. Not necessarily with food- the M&Ms were as bad as it got. But emotionally.
I feel, to be frank, like crap. And it's mostly because I can't get stupid Mr. Ex out of my mind.
I mean, I've stopped counting the days since we've spoken, I told him if he contacted me before 2009 I'd file a restraining order, and I have too much dignity (I hope!) to call him- ever. But for some reason his memory won't leave me alone.
I mean, I know I'm not loosing weight to make him sorry. But for some reason, I keep fantasizing about seeing him again when I'm under 200 lbs, and making him crazy. Because he always said if I was smaller, I would be the perfect woman.
I had a dream about him last night too. The first one in a LONG time. And he was an asshole, as usual, and played me, and I woke up feeling injured again. I don't want to think about him, but how do I get out from under the memory of someone who DEFINED the last three years of my life?
I think this is especially important because the familiar feeling of needing to loose weight for him scares me...it scares me becasue every time I tried, and even suceeded, I would ultimately FAIL because I wanted reassurance he loved me even as a fatty. Even though the truth is my weight was just an excuse he used to cover up the fact that he didn't love me ENOUGH in general. ARGH. It's just so miserable, and ever since the fiasco with his new gf a few weeks ago, I've been wishing I could pull some 'Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind' crap and erase him completely. But I can't.
As for food today- I've been good. 3 turkey sausages for breakfast at 120 calories, along with a quarter cup full fat milk (it was all there was in the work fridge!) in my coffee, with splenda. And I packed a low-calorie soup and yogart for lunch...although I really do wish I had a salad to go along. It's only 240 calories total, and I know I'll be SOO hungry right after. I'm thinking I might walk to the cafe up the block and see if they have salads, but I dunno...I'm lazy and don't really wanna go alone.
I'm really struggling at work too. I have A LOT left to do, and I'm not doing it. And I have to leave early tomorrow, and probably won't get ANYTHING done on Friday, since it's my last day and I have to leave to drive to Chicago right after lunch.
So the goal for tonight is: get a light dinner (chicken saag maybe, although I don't know how many calories it is...), do the crunch toning DVD I like to work my arms and legs, and then study for my LSAT and pack some more. I'm looking forward to that, but I honestly need to GET CRACKING here.
Well, there you have it. I'm searching for a solution, a ray of hope or something POSITIVE...I'll let you know if I find it.
I suspect it's because I ate (roughly) 3/4 cup M&Ms after dinner today. For no particular reason except for I desperately CRAVED chocolate.
3/4 cups, just so you know, is roughly 600 calories, which is about 1/5th of a pound of fat added onto my body. WHY do I do this?
I mean, I know why. I'm feeling bummed. I'm leaving LA, getting ready to start my Sr. year- which means I'm almost done wiht college- getting ready to take the LSAT, apply to law school, going back to school completely and totally single, with Mr. Ex nothing more than a memory (however persistent that memory is), feeling sooo disappointed that I'm 21 and a senior and still FAT. I mean, really? I've been dieting for 10 years and I'm STILL fat?! It doesn't seem fair.
I mean, I did 30 minutes of ab work today and worked up a HUGE sweat doing it... and I was like, HOW FAT AM I I CAN'T DO CRUNCHES UP TO TEMPO ON THIS STUPID DVD?!
Today I've just been feeling peculiarly blue. And I want it to stop.
Honestly, what I miss is the training I used to do. In high school I swam and played water polo, and I miss TRAINING- 2-a-day practices, lifting weights and swiming laps, I may have still been HEAVY, but I was IN SHAPE (and honestly, I think I wasn't THAT heavy...I just felt fat cuz my best friends were size 2s with 10% body fat...)
I miss that BURN. And I don't know how to get it back. I want to feel that hardcore pain again, to know my work is paying off. I mean, maybe if I had a good workout buddy or was on a team again it would happen, but I don't think achieving either of thoes things is likely. The thing was- I was so HAPPY when I was an athlete...and now I'm a big blob of fat, unable to do a fucking sit up. I just feel kind of pathetic, and honestly, I've been feeling pretty good about myself lately...so it's peculiar.
I think it's the change that's on the horizon. But I need to just embrace it, suck it up and move forward. I think I should really start running and make it a project. The problem is I have so many things on my plate right now- and I'm not good at juggling. But it's a skill I HAVE to master.
So I'm gonna try. I'm going to try to integrate more hardcore, feel the burn training into my life without letting it take over. I'm going to become fit while acing my classes and beasting the LSAT. And hopefully, if I tell myself this enough times...it'll come true.
So I just got back from lunch with my AMAZING boss (she's probably the coolest person EVER) and let me just say...not only was it DELICIOUS and INSPIRING, but I also made good choices!
I had a salad to start (butter lettuce, kumquats (like, maybe 1, so not a lot of fruit) and cashews, then the guinea hen with some sort of lentil bean and tomato...SO GOOD and NO CARBS, and then three little quarter size truffles for desert (they wern't chocolate, but still were good!). The whole thing had to be between 500-800 calories....NOT TO SHABBY, right? Especially after having a vitamin for breakfast :(
Yay for T! I'm back on the Beach (minus the truffles) and heading towards my DREAM bod.
As for everything else- I've only got a couple more days here in LA, and I'm getting sad. Especially because my boss is the coolest person ever (I know I keep saying that, but it's because it's TRUE) and even thought I think I'm ready to leave...I'm gonna miss her, the chill-ness and amazing-ness of my office, having to answer to NO ONE but myself, and all the things I've learned this summer.
But, in all honesty, I AM excited to get back to school...and to see my fam. again.
So, all in all, day 9 is going well. I haven't decided yet, but I think I might keep doing this modified SB for a while longer, integrating maybe 3 SERVINGS of carbs a day, or something like that, while continuing to count calories. Other than that, I'm back to work. Keep up the trek to skinny, ladies!
I fell off the beach. Oops. Meaning- yesteday and today, I have consumed PURIFIED, BLEACHED, UNHEALTHY, INSULIN SPIKING CARBS.
Yesterday, waking up in my disheveled room and quickly doing a load of laundry as to erase all evidence of the previous nights *escapades* (go ahead and laugh it up, Endurer...at least SOMEONE'S getting a kick out of it ) I felt really, really sick. Finally, at around 1pm, I knew I had to eat something, so I did a cup of the Dreamfield Pasta (which boasts to only have 5 g of digestable carbs per serving and still tastes like REAL pasta!) with shredded cheese. Then, dinner was another fabulous Chipotle Burrito Bowl w/o carbs. Not bad calorie wise.
However, today, my co-worker who was supposed to meet me for lunch ended up not coming...so I had no lunch, and hadn't eaten since about 6 yesterday. So I went to Chipotle (it kinda sounds like I'm on the Chipotle Diet, doesn't it?). But I didn't get my healthy, 555 calorie carb-free burrito bowl. I got a loaded, 885 calorie burrito, with a tortilla AND rice. And it was goooood.
It better have been, to have taken up the majority of my calories for today!
So dinner is going to be something really small and definately carb free...eggs maybe? a spinach salad? I don't know...but I'm determined not to let this slip up get me down. Because I was hungry and I made a choice to eat something not-so-good for me. But the bottom line? I've gotta turn around and make up for it, refusing to stop on my way to a happier, healthier T.
I've been watching the Biggest Loser Australia (Season 1) on Youtube...and it's actually REALLY inspiring. I'm quickly becoming a fan...even though I think it's ridiculous to loose 20 lbs in a week! And like the trainers say, if you choose it, you gotta lose it!
So I'm thinking a light (late) dinner after a workout? Crunch bootcamp maybe? I'll let you know how it goes. Onwards!
-T is grumpy, exhausted and has eaten only a hotdog and yogart smoothie in the last 12 hours
-T goes to party in her backyard, is awkward because she knows no one, drinks
-T has 3 drinks that have WAYY more alchol in them then she is aware of, made by college bartender.
-T looses volume control and feels woozy. Calls best friend who instructs her to go inside.
-T goes inside, crawls up into her room, falls onto floor, destroys makeshift table made out of fan box and cooler, nearly destroys computer.
-T halls herself into bed
-T vomits
The end.
Is it bad that I'm wondering if vomiting negates some of the calories I drank last night? Either way, I don't feel good, and last night was NOT fun. More when I've fully recouperated.
So I've had bad luck since I last posted. A LOT OF IT.
1) Last night, the BIGGEST big I have ever seen took up residence on my bedroom wall. It was a roach or something. Disgusting. I was so freaked.
2) One of my pearl earings broke when I was taking it off. I just got them for my birthday in June, so I'm quite mad about that.
3) This morning, when I went to open my car to drive to the beach (I had a wonderful last-saturday-in-CA planned) there was a key broken off in the lock...and not MY key. I called tripple A and when the locksmith came, he not only charged me a TON of $$ but also informed me that someone had been trying to JACK my car, because the key in there had been filed down like many car-jackers use. Normally, he said, it works. Lucky for me, my 1993 Honda has a very stubborn lock and ignition, so whoever tried to take it lacked the finess of yours truly.
4) Becuase of this I got a late start, finally made it to the beach and forgot to get lunch.
5)When I got home, I decided to park in the back instead of on the street, and when I was closing the gate it caught my heel and ripped off a chunk of my skin, so now my heel hurts REALLY BAD.
ARGH!!! You can see now why I'm so pissed.
Not to mention I've eaten today:
A omlett
Sugar free chocolate almonds
A hot dog
A Coffee Bean Yogart Smoothie
Not that healthy, not enough. I'm cranky and exhausted and I just want to go to sleep. Lucky for T, however, there's a HUGE house party in my house tonight that starts in an hour and a half. And I'm still bleeding and caked with sand from the beach. CRAP.
I don't know what I'm going to do. Shower and power nap seems like the most logical answer. But honestly, I don't feel like sitting around with a bunch of drunk and high blonde, rich Californians. I just wanna take my fat ass to bed.
UGH. I'll let you know how it all goes down tomorrow, when I will (hopefully) not be in such a bitchy mood. Although, tomorrow I need to do laundry, pack, shop, clean, do work for my boss that she needs by Monday and study for my LSAT. So who knows.
