Nobody Said It Was Easy...

And it's not. It's definately not.  I've been working on this post for almost a week now and it's not right.

Here I am, a Senior in College, whose two pants sizes up from four years ago, when I was a senior in high school. I look back at the pictures of me then and I'm like, wow. I was cute. Why did I feel so FAT? Because NOW I'm fat.

And my life, life as a fat single girl who had her heart broken and is desperately trying to get back on track, to go to law school (if I can figure out how to pay for it), to find the love of my life, to get my- excuse my french- shit together, and it's DEFINATELY not easy.

For starters, I'm at work right now, and EVERYTHING smells like tequila. Probably because I hung out with some ppl, drank a ton of wine, then went home and had 2 shots of tequila with the boy I like (who just so happened to be in my room with my roomate and our friend, getting drunk b/c it was his birthday and his ex gf had shown up at his party earlier), and I realized he doesn't like me like that...PERIOD. It's sad for me b/c we're friends, and I really like him as a person as well as as a *boy*, and after being let down by *I*, a saga I will explain at a later date (see: he's just not that into me), I feel sad and lonely. So of course, last night I called this boy who's had a huge crush on me since high school who I started talking to again over the summer, and we talked for hours (both being drunk) and I'm pretty sure I've led him on hardcore. The problem is, I'm not sure I like him like that.

I like this other guy, who DOESN'T LIKE ME. It's just hard cuz my two best friends at school are in serious relationships, and for the first time since I've known them, I'm not. And that's hard. It's hard being fat and hungover and feeling lonely.

Ugh.  I want to get my shit together.  To feel conifdent and sexy.  To feel pretty.  To feel WANTED.  It's just hard.  But you know what?  I can do this.  It's not TOO hard...people do it all the time.  Eat healthy, work out every day.  It's doable.  I just choose not to do it.  I choose to eat shit and watch TV instead of working out.  But I'm not going to do it anymore.  I'm going to live every day like the gift it is.  I'm going to start taking care of myself, because I DESERVE it.  Alone time, friend time, ME time...ITS TIME.  I'm no longer sitting around waiting for my life to start:  it's started.

So I'm going to start living it.  And I don't need anyone or anything to do that.  When the time is right, when I'm the woman I want to be, be it 1, 2, 5 or 10 years from now, it'll come together.  I have faith.  Its time.