Day 10: Struggling

Since I posted last night, I've been struggling.  Not necessarily with food- the M&Ms were as bad as it got.  But emotionally.

I feel, to be frank, like crap.  And it's mostly because I can't get stupid Mr. Ex out of my mind.

I mean, I've stopped counting the days since we've spoken, I told him if he contacted me before 2009 I'd file a restraining order, and I have too much dignity (I hope!) to call him- ever.  But for some reason his memory won't leave me alone.

I mean, I know I'm not loosing weight to make him sorry.  But for some reason, I keep fantasizing about seeing him again when I'm under 200 lbs, and making him crazy.  Because he always said if I was smaller, I would be the perfect woman.

I had a dream about him last night too.  The first one in a LONG time.  And he was an asshole, as usual, and played me, and I woke up feeling injured again.  I don't want to think about him, but how do I get out from under the memory of someone who DEFINED the last three years of my life? 

I think this is especially important because the familiar feeling of needing to loose weight for him scares me...it scares me becasue every time I tried, and even suceeded, I would ultimately FAIL because I wanted reassurance he loved me even as a fatty.  Even though the truth is my weight was just an excuse he used to cover up the fact that he didn't love me ENOUGH in general.  ARGH.  It's just so miserable, and ever since the fiasco with his new gf a few weeks ago, I've been wishing I could pull some 'Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind' crap and erase him completely.  But I can't. 

As for food today- I've been good.  3 turkey sausages for breakfast at 120 calories, along with a quarter cup full fat milk (it was all there was in the work fridge!) in my coffee, with splenda.  And I packed a low-calorie soup and yogart for lunch...although I really do wish I had a salad to go along.  It's only 240 calories total, and I know I'll be SOO hungry right after.  I'm thinking I might walk to the cafe up the block and see if they have salads, but I dunno...I'm lazy and don't really wanna go alone. 

I'm really struggling at work too.  I have A LOT left to do, and I'm not doing it.  And I have to leave early tomorrow, and probably won't get ANYTHING done on Friday, since it's my last day and I have to leave to drive to Chicago right after lunch. 

So the goal for tonight is: get a light dinner (chicken saag maybe, although I don't know how many calories it is...), do the crunch toning DVD I like to work my arms and legs, and then study for my LSAT and pack some more.  I'm looking forward to that, but I honestly need to GET CRACKING here. 

Well, there you have it.  I'm searching for a solution, a ray of hope or something POSITIVE...I'll let you know if I find it.

Suggestions

To get  Mr. Ex out of your mind,  take it one day at a time.   Do know that some days will be easier than others. Whatever you do DON'T GO BACK!!!  Out of sight it out of mind (well it works for me)   Keeping a journal and writting  down your feelings will help too.  Most importantly focus on you.  Make a list of all the things you want to do or were interested in.  It will serve several purposes: make you a well rounded personwith interesting stories,  help keep you to keep busy and you will probably meet some interesting people. 

 When working out I too sometimes think "yeah the men will want me after I lose weight" but in reality they want me now.  I just have to take my blinders off.    I also believe that a lot of women have the mindset if I were; smaller, sexier, taller, this or that ... that men would want us.  Not true.  We are fine the way we are, men just need to act like adults.  Sorry to make a page out of this but things will get better just give yourself some time.

I agree

I agree with everything plain jane said above.  I think a lot of times we allow thoughts to take up room in our brains much longer than we should.  We hear "I'm fat", "I'm not good enough", and instead of kicking that thought out, we let it sit there, take root and grow.  Same thing with thoughts of Mr. Ex.  Kick those thoughts out as soon as they come.  I know you have a lot of other things going on in your life; pick one, and everytime you think about him, turn your thoughts elsewhere.

Also, you mentioned that he said that if you lost weight, you'd be the perfect woman [for him], but when you lose weight, will he ever be the perfect man for you?  I'll let you ponder on that one!