Day 9: Peculiarly Blue
So for some reason, I'm feeling peculiarly blue.
I suspect it's because I ate (roughly) 3/4 cup M&Ms after dinner today. For no particular reason except for I desperately CRAVED chocolate.
3/4 cups, just so you know, is roughly 600 calories, which is about 1/5th of a pound of fat added onto my body. WHY do I do this?
I mean, I know why. I'm feeling bummed. I'm leaving LA, getting ready to start my Sr. year- which means I'm almost done wiht college- getting ready to take the LSAT, apply to law school, going back to school completely and totally single, with Mr. Ex nothing more than a memory (however persistent that memory is), feeling sooo disappointed that I'm 21 and a senior and still FAT. I mean, really? I've been dieting for 10 years and I'm STILL fat?! It doesn't seem fair.
I mean, I did 30 minutes of ab work today and worked up a HUGE sweat doing it... and I was like, HOW FAT AM I I CAN'T DO CRUNCHES UP TO TEMPO ON THIS STUPID DVD?!
Today I've just been feeling peculiarly blue. And I want it to stop.
Honestly, what I miss is the training I used to do. In high school I swam and played water polo, and I miss TRAINING- 2-a-day practices, lifting weights and swiming laps, I may have still been HEAVY, but I was IN SHAPE (and honestly, I think I wasn't THAT heavy...I just felt fat cuz my best friends were size 2s with 10% body fat...)
I miss that BURN. And I don't know how to get it back. I want to feel that hardcore pain again, to know my work is paying off. I mean, maybe if I had a good workout buddy or was on a team again it would happen, but I don't think achieving either of thoes things is likely. The thing was- I was so HAPPY when I was an athlete...and now I'm a big blob of fat, unable to do a fucking sit up. I just feel kind of pathetic, and honestly, I've been feeling pretty good about myself lately...so it's peculiar.
I think it's the change that's on the horizon. But I need to just embrace it, suck it up and move forward. I think I should really start running and make it a project. The problem is I have so many things on my plate right now- and I'm not good at juggling. But it's a skill I HAVE to master.
So I'm gonna try. I'm going to try to integrate more hardcore, feel the burn training into my life without letting it take over. I'm going to become fit while acing my classes and beasting the LSAT. And hopefully, if I tell myself this enough times...it'll come true.
'Nough rambling. Biggest Loser Australia/Bed time.