So here I am again. Back to blogging. Back to trying to loose weight.
It's been another year. I'm 24 years old. I'm still a size 18. But a lot has changed.
I think I'm finally ready to do this. I never stopped dreaming. And I think that I've realized that what I need to accomplish my goals, to achieve the dream, is to believe in myself.
I've doubted myself for my whole life. I've been afraid since I was a little girl. I didn't think I deserved to be happy. But I do. I am strong. I can keep myself safe. There is nothing to doubt.
After a bad relationship, abuse and and eating disorder, I'm finally in a stable place. I'm finally where I want to be. And I'm finally ready to make the sacrifices I need to make to be who I want to be. I'm finally ready to not view them as sacrifices. I'm finally ready to SAY what I want and not be ashamed.
I want to get fit. I want to loose weight.
I want to wear size 12 jeans.
I want to feel health.
I want to be active.
I want to feel strong.
Not for a man. Not for friends. For ME. And I honestly think, no matter how many times I've played with the words before, THIS time, I mean it. I really, really MEAN it.
Yesterday was good- Did the 30DS video, which kicked my ass. Ate 1/2 lean cuisine afterwords because I was feeling faint.
Today- Got up, took it easy this morning, made medifast crepe/panckakes off a recipe I found on line and TA-DA, I found a way to make the scrambled eggs and banana shake (both of which are icky to me) pallatable. The Panckake was actually pretty good! GO ME.
They're really simple/easy:
1 package Medifast French Vanilla Shake
1 package Medifast Scrambled Eggs
1/4 tsp baking powder
1 tsp Vanilla
Water – just enough to get a thin pancake-batter like consistency
Cook like panckakes
So yeah. All in all, a good morning. I'll post more later!
Haha it's been a while. WW was a false start. Sadly, the first semester of Law School is NOT the time to be attempting to loose weight. It was the most stressful, miserable and exhausting period of my life thus far, and the results were, to say the lease, underwelming. Lucky for me, as of last week, I'm feeling OK about my classes, have a SWEET summer job in New Orleans (I'm so ready to get out of NYC) and am going to Jamaica on vacation in a little over 30 days.
So the plan is: GET SERIOUS.
A week and a half ago I started Medifast (the awful shake/supplement 5 + 1 plan with 5 supplements and 1 "lean and green" southbeach-esque meals a day) and its been rough/I haven't exactly been on plan. But I've decided that to feel 100%, I'm gonna try to incorporate exercise (specifically, Jillian Michael's 30 Day Shred).
I've done JM videos before, and over the summer where I saw significant results and dropped about 2 sizes from something like a 22 to an 18 (which I'm happy to say I've maintained since! Go me!), and think I'm young enough/fit enough to do it. The one thing I'm worried about is the Medifast energy levels (its really low calorie and therefore exhausting) and the time (my days are mostly packed- I'm going to work out tonight, and try to fit in daily 30 mins of exercise EVERY DAY).
Another thing: I'm going away for the weekend with my friends this weekend (Friday evening, Sat and Sunday) and so well be off program then, but I'm trying to stay with the attitude that this is life, life is tricky, and I'm in no rush.
So, my goals:
-Loose a size in the next 32 days (it's a BIGGG goal, but I think I can do it with exercise and diet! Especially because after a week on the Medifast more or less, my pants are feeling looser than they have in a whileee) to be a 16 (for this first time since senior year of HIGH SCHOOL)!
-Work out 6-7 days a week for 30 mins (Doing 30 Day Shred)
-Loose another size between when I get back from Jamaica to when I go home for the summer (8 weeks). This is going to be HARD because of finals, moving out at the end of the year and the writing competition (for law school journals, which is the two weeks after finals) but IDEALLY, I'd like to be a 14 by the time I start my summer job. However, I realize this may be wishful thinking, and would honestly be content to get to a 16 this year and a 14 over the summer.
ALSO- I'm thinking of dying my hair dark brown. I used to be a dark brunette, but went back to my natural light golden brown a little while ago. Now (as always) I'm missing the hair I USED to have. Buyers remorse :)
Other Goals:
-Try to be positive about my life -Rejoice in the GOOD things in my life -Forgive myself -Count my blessings -STOP compulsive beahvior (specifically binge eating and over spending)
So it's been about a year since I've been on here...
A lot has happened. Where to begin...
-I applied and got accepted to Law School -I gained probably about 30-40 more lbs. -I graduated from college -I moved home for the summer, worked out 2-4 hours a day, ate decently well and lost 30-40 lbs in two months, and dropped about 2 pants sizes, putting me back down at a small 18/almost 16. -I moved to NYC and started Law School. -I gained maybe 10ish pounds since mid-august?
And in all this time, this past year, I had never ONCE gotten on the scale before this morning. So, imagine my surprise when, after all this hard work, my chart says I'm essentially the same.
And I know I'm not. I know I'm a pants size smaller than I was last year. I know I look prettier/healthier/happier than I did last year. I can SEE the difference. But its still marginally defeating.
So I need to make it a priority. I know I can do this. So I need to DO this. I want to do this. And all the stress of transitioning from college to law school, from a bad relationship to a brief but wonderful summer romance, from college student to adult...it's stressful. And I don't want to wake up in a month, or two months, or a year, and have gained 10 more or 20 or 40 or 100 lbs. I want to stop it and I want to loose it and I want to be happy. I DESERVE TO BE HAPPY. So look out, world. I'm back. And the rest of this semester is going to be about:
1) Not failing out of school :) 2) Loosing weight in a healthy, efficient way FOR MYSELF. Portion control + controlling binges + exercise= SUCCESS! 3) Remembering that I don't need a man, and that right now, I don't have SPACE for one because I need to focus on ME 4) Setting limits and continuing to learn how to say NO to other people and social obligations. I come first, and that's a FACT.
So I think I may start by going to a weight watchers meeting next week. I went to my first meeting when I was 10 years old, and weight watchers has always been inextricably tied up in my relationship with my mother, her weight, and her relationship to my weight. And I think that's why it never really worked for me. But I think now, at 22, I'm finally old enough to say "this isn't ABOUT you!" to her, and do this on my own, for myself. So that's a start.
So here's to achieving my goals and not being afraid to ask for the support I need along the way. I think I've finally realized that the only way to fail at weight loss is to stop trying. And I refuse to be a failure!
And it's not. It's definately not. I've been working on this post for almost a week now and it's not right.
Here I am, a Senior in College, whose two pants sizes up from four years ago, when I was a senior in high school. I look back at the pictures of me then and I'm like, wow. I was cute. Why did I feel so FAT? Because NOW I'm fat.
And my life, life as a fat single girl who had her heart broken and is desperately trying to get back on track, to go to law school (if I can figure out how to pay for it), to find the love of my life, to get my- excuse my french- shit together, and it's DEFINATELY not easy.
For starters, I'm at work right now, and EVERYTHING smells like tequila. Probably because I hung out with some ppl, drank a ton of wine, then went home and had 2 shots of tequila with the boy I like (who just so happened to be in my room with my roomate and our friend, getting drunk b/c it was his birthday and his ex gf had shown up at his party earlier), and I realized he doesn't like me like that...PERIOD. It's sad for me b/c we're friends, and I really like him as a person as well as as a *boy*, and after being let down by *I*, a saga I will explain at a later date (see: he's just not that into me), I feel sad and lonely. So of course, last night I called this boy who's had a huge crush on me since high school who I started talking to again over the summer, and we talked for hours (both being drunk) and I'm pretty sure I've led him on hardcore. The problem is, I'm not sure I like him like that.
I like this other guy, who DOESN'T LIKE ME. It's just hard cuz my two best friends at school are in serious relationships, and for the first time since I've known them, I'm not. And that's hard. It's hard being fat and hungover and feeling lonely.
Ugh. I want to get my shit together. To feel conifdent and sexy. To feel pretty. To feel WANTED. It's just hard. But you know what? I can do this. It's not TOO hard...people do it all the time. Eat healthy, work out every day. It's doable. I just choose not to do it. I choose to eat shit and watch TV instead of working out. But I'm not going to do it anymore. I'm going to live every day like the gift it is. I'm going to start taking care of myself, because I DESERVE it. Alone time, friend time, ME time...ITS TIME. I'm no longer sitting around waiting for my life to start: it's started.
So I'm going to start living it. And I don't need anyone or anything to do that. When the time is right, when I'm the woman I want to be, be it 1, 2, 5 or 10 years from now, it'll come together. I have faith. Its time.
Hey Everybody. I know, I know, I've been negligent again.
I've been back at school, with my friends and working hard (and the semester's just started!) and reevaluating what I want. What I NEED. Things with *I* have been sooo strange since I've gotten back. It's wierd, because although he's been into me (due to our summer correspondence), and then he asked me to have dinner, but he seems to kind of be on cloud nine. Ugh. Whatever.
I've just been thinking so much about what's important to me, about what I want...and it's hard. I want so much- specifically, a good man- and I want to be thin to get it. I want to feel fit and sexy. It's been so long since I've felt good about myself.
For some reason last night, on my way out of Cali, I decided to have an in-and-out double double cheesburger. Bad decision. I feel gross. and it must have been 800 calories. GROSS. Never again. I feel so naceous.
As for me, I'm driving across the country right now, internet is scarce, so you might not hear from me until I'm back in the Chi. You never know though. Wish me luck with my fast food eating!
So I'll just write about something else, since I hate repitition.
I'm really hungry today, for some strange reason, even thought I had my turkey sausage for breakfast, along with 1/2 a cup of coffee with milk and splenda. So I just ate my lunch- which was a cup of Chicken Saag left over from dinner last night...and let me tell you, it's my new FAVORITE dish. I switched from chicken tikka masala, which Mr. Ex had introduced me to, which is ALSO made out of butter, cream, ghee (condensed butter) and a little tomato (I know, I've MADE it!), to Chicken Saag, which is spinach and yogart based and yuuuuummmm, it's just as good...if not BETTER. So that was great, because I ate A TON of it for dinner last night.
But I digress. Lunch was Chicken Saag and a light n' fit yogart, which is nothing to get excited about. And I'm still hungry. But lucky for me, my dad's coming in to LA tonight, and we're going out to dinner. I think I'm gonna take him to this AMAZING Italian place I know of that's sooooo good. And I'm gonna have pasta. It's OK though. I've worked out hard the last three days, and I feel good about it. It's a planned decision.
So I'm scrambling to get all my work done before I leave (as you can tell...me being on EP and all...hahah), and am feeling slightly better than yesterday. Strangely, I didn't sleep well last night, a mix of nervous energy and the loudness that is pre-rush partying on the campus where I'm subletting (all my housemates went out and got wasted...and then came home and were LOUD).
I think I'm nervous about leaving LA, and excited/scared for Senior year. I don't know if you all remember *I* from last semester, but for thoes of you that don't/don't follow my blog, I'll recap.
He saw my picture on facebook and asked a mutual friend to hook us up for a big blind-date dance in the spring. We went and had a good time. We had dinner later, but things didn't really go anywhere (e.g. after dinner he didnt' call me, even thought he said he would!)
I got mono and left school. Now here's where there's new news:
A few weeks after the semester ended, he facebook messaged me, apologizing for not calling and saying we should hang out in the fall. I was like, sure. Then, he wrote on my facebook wall saying happy birthday, and when I didn't respond to that, he posed again later being like "looking good". haha. ego boost much?
So then I was like, thanks, and we messaged for a little while, and he kept being like "oh, you should have a lot of stories to tell me in the fall" and stuff like that, alluding to us hanging out. And then he ended his final message being like "I've heard everyone's really good looking in LA so make yourself at home!" HAHAHAH!
HAHAH!
I know, right? I was so tickled.
So needless to say, I'm really digging him, but unsure about how to proceed in the fall. I mean, he's cute, was a total gentlman on our dates, but after not calling me I had sent him off to the land of lost men. And I don't really feel like playing games and getting emotionally toyed with. But on the other hand...it's been a LONG time since I've had a positive romantic encounter with someone. A REALLY LONG TIME.
Also- I dont' want to seem to eager. I mean...isn't it the case that guys like to chase? But then again, he's seemed so painstakingly shy both times we went out... like I intimidate him or something. I don't know. I have a little over a week until I'm back at school, so I'ma think about my next move and let you guys know
OK- lunch is over. Back to the grind. One last thing- thanks for all your encouragment yesterday. I was feeling really blue, but you guys put a smile back on my face and a twinkle back in my eye. Later!
Since I posted last night, I've been struggling. Not necessarily with food- the M&Ms were as bad as it got. But emotionally.
I feel, to be frank, like crap. And it's mostly because I can't get stupid Mr. Ex out of my mind.
I mean, I've stopped counting the days since we've spoken, I told him if he contacted me before 2009 I'd file a restraining order, and I have too much dignity (I hope!) to call him- ever. But for some reason his memory won't leave me alone.
I mean, I know I'm not loosing weight to make him sorry. But for some reason, I keep fantasizing about seeing him again when I'm under 200 lbs, and making him crazy. Because he always said if I was smaller, I would be the perfect woman.
I had a dream about him last night too. The first one in a LONG time. And he was an asshole, as usual, and played me, and I woke up feeling injured again. I don't want to think about him, but how do I get out from under the memory of someone who DEFINED the last three years of my life?
I think this is especially important because the familiar feeling of needing to loose weight for him scares me...it scares me becasue every time I tried, and even suceeded, I would ultimately FAIL because I wanted reassurance he loved me even as a fatty. Even though the truth is my weight was just an excuse he used to cover up the fact that he didn't love me ENOUGH in general. ARGH. It's just so miserable, and ever since the fiasco with his new gf a few weeks ago, I've been wishing I could pull some 'Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind' crap and erase him completely. But I can't.
As for food today- I've been good. 3 turkey sausages for breakfast at 120 calories, along with a quarter cup full fat milk (it was all there was in the work fridge!) in my coffee, with splenda. And I packed a low-calorie soup and yogart for lunch...although I really do wish I had a salad to go along. It's only 240 calories total, and I know I'll be SOO hungry right after. I'm thinking I might walk to the cafe up the block and see if they have salads, but I dunno...I'm lazy and don't really wanna go alone.
I'm really struggling at work too. I have A LOT left to do, and I'm not doing it. And I have to leave early tomorrow, and probably won't get ANYTHING done on Friday, since it's my last day and I have to leave to drive to Chicago right after lunch.
So the goal for tonight is: get a light dinner (chicken saag maybe, although I don't know how many calories it is...), do the crunch toning DVD I like to work my arms and legs, and then study for my LSAT and pack some more. I'm looking forward to that, but I honestly need to GET CRACKING here.
Well, there you have it. I'm searching for a solution, a ray of hope or something POSITIVE...I'll let you know if I find it.
I suspect it's because I ate (roughly) 3/4 cup M&Ms after dinner today. For no particular reason except for I desperately CRAVED chocolate.
3/4 cups, just so you know, is roughly 600 calories, which is about 1/5th of a pound of fat added onto my body. WHY do I do this?
I mean, I know why. I'm feeling bummed. I'm leaving LA, getting ready to start my Sr. year- which means I'm almost done wiht college- getting ready to take the LSAT, apply to law school, going back to school completely and totally single, with Mr. Ex nothing more than a memory (however persistent that memory is), feeling sooo disappointed that I'm 21 and a senior and still FAT. I mean, really? I've been dieting for 10 years and I'm STILL fat?! It doesn't seem fair.
I mean, I did 30 minutes of ab work today and worked up a HUGE sweat doing it... and I was like, HOW FAT AM I I CAN'T DO CRUNCHES UP TO TEMPO ON THIS STUPID DVD?!
Today I've just been feeling peculiarly blue. And I want it to stop.
Honestly, what I miss is the training I used to do. In high school I swam and played water polo, and I miss TRAINING- 2-a-day practices, lifting weights and swiming laps, I may have still been HEAVY, but I was IN SHAPE (and honestly, I think I wasn't THAT heavy...I just felt fat cuz my best friends were size 2s with 10% body fat...)
I miss that BURN. And I don't know how to get it back. I want to feel that hardcore pain again, to know my work is paying off. I mean, maybe if I had a good workout buddy or was on a team again it would happen, but I don't think achieving either of thoes things is likely. The thing was- I was so HAPPY when I was an athlete...and now I'm a big blob of fat, unable to do a fucking sit up. I just feel kind of pathetic, and honestly, I've been feeling pretty good about myself lately...so it's peculiar.
I think it's the change that's on the horizon. But I need to just embrace it, suck it up and move forward. I think I should really start running and make it a project. The problem is I have so many things on my plate right now- and I'm not good at juggling. But it's a skill I HAVE to master.
So I'm gonna try. I'm going to try to integrate more hardcore, feel the burn training into my life without letting it take over. I'm going to become fit while acing my classes and beasting the LSAT. And hopefully, if I tell myself this enough times...it'll come true.
