ok. it is friday morning. if you can believe it it is 1:15am and i just got back from adams house (boyfriend). i told him that i wanted to come over and get kisses and cuddles from him and that i probably wouldn't be there until midnight.
what did he say? yes. he said that he would leave the door open and that i could crawl into bed with him and get my kisses and cuddles!
ok, maybe i'm a pessimist but he cannot be for real! he puts up with so many of my neurosis(sp?)! he let's me analyze shit to death and he let's me be my weird bi-polar self. the only time we argue is when i feel he's not gonna be the man i want to be with for a good while.
ok, here's the deal. he goes to church monday, wednesday, thursday, and sunday. he loves to be with people who genuienly seem to care about him and he loves the stories in the bible. there are also some things that he believes that i don't believe in.
such as, women should be submissive to their husbands. well, guess what i did? he asked me for a pepsi while he was in the bedroom and i was in the kitchen and i said what comes at the end of that sentence yelling from the kitchen and he said. "kristen?" i don't think so! i was looking for please. did i bring him his damn pepsi...Nooooo! he was surprised when i walked into the bedroom without it but he said that that was ok and that he would get it himself.
now, this is kind of a long going thing with him and i. he DOES let me get away with murder. i have told him that i am more important than god! jokingly! i have also made fun of him going to church on thursday night because they call it the gathering! sounds like some horror movie! he really has been patient with me BUT i am so scared that one of these days he'll have to choose me or the church.
he really believes a lot of that shit and i just don't. i refuse to live by a book that i know has changed throughout the centuries to fit into whatever their present day was. i know i might sound stupid to some people BUT that is truly what i believe. i refuse to live by someone else's word. whether it be god or a preacher.
i refuse to be indoctrinated into something that i truly don't believe in. i DO however believe in a higher power! lord knows i wouldn't be here talking to you all without one BUT i call it god because i don't know what else to call it. i used to talk to god when i was laying on the sidewalk out front of our house when i was a small girl. SO, i do feel the love of something greater than myself BUT he would sooo not want me to go to church with him! the problem is i would be honest with homever i came into contact with and i know he would freak out. noone can make me think something that i don't believe in, i'm sorry i am just too strong willed for that shit
we talked about it one night and i had had a few drinks and i told him that i was never going to be this submissive woman who believed that their was only one captain of a ship. that i saw a partnership where it was 100% - 100%. we are both whole people before we met each other and although we combine our hearts and souls doesn't mean that we lose any of that.
NOW, for some stupid reason he tells me, have i ever tried to change you, i say no. he says have i ever told you that you have to go to church with me and i said no. he asked me have i ever asked you to choose god or we couldn't be together and i said no.
he makes a few valid points. his deal is that he REALLY enjoys church and the stories in the bible and also the songs and prayers for others. i see NOTHING wrong with that, BUT i'm scared it will eventually be a choice between me and the church.
i'm kind of scared. i REALLY REALLY like him and he is such a sweet wonderful full of potential guy. i would so not be with him if i didn't think he was worth my time, BUT i'm still scared.
i know that it's going to come down to it. how can it not??? he is with organized religion, although, he doesn't believe in everything BUT i am no where near believing in someone elses interprutation of a book that i have sooo much trouble even believing in. i don't want to be pessimistic, but i'm scared!
i mean what in the fuck is he going to say about my sister and my brother (john and vance and their baby ian) it is a gay couple who have been together 20 years and now they have a 2/1/2 yr old baby! he'll never be able to except them. there is no way he will even be able to meet them. they SOOO do not fit the stereotype that he is probably used to, but i still think that his ignorance still might get in the way.
i know that it sounds like i am bashing him BUT when i hear him talk about his life and about how he feels about life i can tell it's not from the bible or from something he's read or something someone has told him. i can tell that he has thought about it and it's his honest opinion. i love it when he does that because it shows me that he really has a mind and a heart it's just that NOONE has ever asked him, "what do you think?" he is sooo non-confrontational that he just seems to go along with things. i want him to be stronger for his own soul! fuck me, i want him to be a person that grows and processes life and can see new things and experiences and have a certain amount of acceptance whether he might agree or not. GOD help me! i can only pray he can become enlightend!
anyway. i haven't lost or gained any weight. i am still at 296 and i am still recovering fine from my surgery. i just started my fall semester and OF COURSE it is going to be hard and i will piss and bitch the whole time BUT i'm sure i'll get through it.
thanks sooo much for listening to me bitch. i sooo appreciate it gals!
i'll stop talking about my man. i just freaks me out that i have been with someone in a real relationship for almost 3 months, it feels weird. i haven't had a boyfriends in over 5 years. GOD! i hope i will live through this!
NOW! weight loss. the last time i weighed at my doctor i was 296! so, good news, nothing has changed. i have HOWEVER been eating potatoes, meatballs, chicken fajita meat, spaghettios, ravioli, and lots of sweets. make sure and throw some tacos, hamburgers, pizza and KFC potato bowls in there too.
i'm hoping that when i start my fall semester at school on the 28th of august that i will fall back into line with my eating. i'm not real concerned about the weight loss or gain right now. i just want to recover from surgery and get back into the swing of school again.
even though i start school on the 28th the U.S. Open of tennis in New York also starts on the 28th. WHAT AM I GOING TO DO!!!
hello all of you beautiful women! i know, i know! i haven't posted in forever and i have heard that some people are wondering if i'm still alive. i can reassure everyone that i'm still alive and doing quite well.
i'll try not to go on too long but it has been awhile. here goes....
let me see... i need to tell you all about adam (boyfriend that broke my 5 year drought), surgery, weight loss, school, and tennis!
my surgery went very well. i was more worried about the pain and i didn't think about the recovery. i went into the hospital at 6:00am and got out about 5 or 6 in the evening. my recovery nurse was a BITCH!! she was just manhandling me and moving me around. i had a tube down my throat and a cathater in my pee pee hole. she was too rough and i wish i could see that bitch again. and YES i did tell my doctor about her.
i went home with my parents and the first 5 days were REALLY hard. i was in sooo much pain and it was constant. they gave me vicatin and let me tell you... it works! it not only knocked the pain out but me too. i slept, ate, shit, watched tennis and smoked cigarettes.
my parents were WONDERFUL! i stayed there for 9 days and on the 10th day i went to austin with my dad to see my sister and her partner and have lunch and buy supplements. i had a great time but was tired. i got home and was sooo happy to see my kitties.
jen, norm, and brenda saved my life! they fed my cats and brenda came over and cleaned my house. i still need to ask them to help me take out the trash and some of that stuff. they are still being super nice. i got surgery on the 10th and it's the 27th. the doctor said that i should be fully recovered in 5 to 6 weeks. it's gonna take forever. i guess i just need to be patient, yeah right! and nooo sex for 5 weeks! i guess i'm gonna find out if the relationship will last!
now, onto adam. THE BOYFRIEND! we have been together since june3rd. i believe that we met up again after meeting once before on a saturday night. i'll have to check with jen and adam, BUT onto the good stuff. even though i was talking about how i was sooo sure that he wasn't forever, he is turning into a very real boyfriend. the sex is getting better and better and we didn't see each other for 13 days but talked on the phone constantly. by the time i saw him his nuts were about ready to EXPLODE! we, of course, couldn't have sex but there is no problem with making out for hours on end!
during our 13 days apart we did a lot of talking on the phone. he said a lot of things like asking me why i was with him because he doesn't have much going for him. he talked a lot about his life and whats gone on in it. if i just shut-up, he does have a lot to say.
i have to admit though that he has lived a very different life than i have. it doesn't seem like anyone has ever really asked him what he wanted or what he thinks about things. he's really a good guy. although i do find myself trying to make him jealous and he kind of does the same. he told me that he had slept with another girl when he had told me that he didn't want to be monogamis.
it came out like 2 weeks later that he didn't have sex with her. they kissed and then they were getting some clothes off and she decided that he wasn't worth it. she kind of made fun of him and it got to him. he has never had a girl give him a second chance or called him the next day. he admitted that he wasn't really with her and that he told me he was to make me jealous. for some reason i wasn't mad at all. we weren't supposed to be exclusive and i WAS with another guy. that's probably why he said it. i told him he was going to have to deal with his own conscience and that i was fine.
right now, we are talking more about relationship stuff. he is pretty religious. he goes to church 3 times a week and reads his bible twice a day. i am constantly telling him what my faith is and that it has nothing to do with organized religion. he hasn't pushed at all
he did ask me to stop saying god da--it. he said that he doesn't like it. well, you all know me. i was thinking in my head that i can say whatever the fuck i want and who is he to tell me to censore myself. BUT! i thought about it and if there was something that i wanted him to stop, i would expect him to do it IMMEDIATLY! so, i guess i'm saying that i need to realize things go both ways.
if i'm going to be in a very real relationship than i need to grow. i see his true potential and that he has the capacity to grow and want things for himself out of life. he talks about trying to live more for the now and not just save money so when he hates his life and gets bored again that he runs away. he's lived in new york, florida, texas and lord knows where else!
i guess i'm learning that i'm gonna have to really try to think of his feelings not before mine but his as well. i really need to try and remember that just because i am a no compromise kind of girl on my morals and values doesn't mean that he has to totally agree with mine. because i DO NOT believe in everything he does. i guess if i'm demanding that he respect me and my views that i have to be the same with him. it's truly a learning experience.
the longest i have ever been with a boyfriend is 3 months or just short of. september 3rd is the 3 months mark. i am a little freaked out. but, it feels good and right now we are truly boyfriend and girlfriend and we will NOT see other people. we have both decided that that would be best. because we really do like each other that much. i have been calling his dick MINE for awhile now and he DOES NOT seem to have a problem with it.
i wanted to update my weight chart. i'm still looosing!!! i love it.
i feel better and better. even though i am a little sick because i have been eating taco bell and dairy queen! Haw! i admit i loved it i wanted it and i got it! i refuse to deprive myself !
well, i went with jen today for our last fitting of our wedding ensemble. the clothes are soooo beautiful. i am gonna look gooood!
i colored my hair tonight and i'm gonna run a million errands tomorrow and clean my house so that i will have nothing else to deal with except the wedding and my beautiful sister!
oh oh oh!!! i am still seeing one of the guys that i met. the other two were a lot of fun, but friends is best with them. although, getting a little nookie doesn't hurt!!!
the guy i'm seeing now is sweet and he is really learning how to satisfy a woman. i'm a goood teacher! we're still seeing other people but i like it sooo much that i can fall back on him and he feels the same way. it's a good thing!
jen, jen, jen! you know how much i love you and you also know that i know the feeling of being sure that you might be somewhere in your weight lose that your not! it must be so much harder on you than me because you excercise soooo much! if i did as much as you, my ass better start shrinking quick.
maybe your reaching some sort of plateau. i know! all fat women losing weight hate that word. anything i'm doing now that is continueous will still make me lose weight. i might go slower but i will still lose.
you are so much smaller than me and it might just be your time to weigh in once or twice a month. it's just toooo discouraging when you want those immediate results. especially when your working sooo hard.
i love you and i'm soo sorry to hear that you are not getting the results you want, but it WILL come, i'm sure of it!
ok, now i am finally going to update everyone.
i still have not weighed in yet. i'll finally weigh in on the 18th. i'm gonna wait. i really want to see a difference and i think that i will be much happier when i see a lower number. i would love to be like 295 or something like that.
i would shit!!! last time i updated my weight chart i was 309. i am sure that i am NOT 309 anymore but then what am i?
i just want to give myself more time to lose.
i had a pig out fest on sunday! i DO NOT know why, but it was a crazy food day! i had dairy queen sundaes! yummy yummy!
i can't remember everything i ate but it was a lot more than usual. lots of pasta, meat, speghetti sauce, cheeses! you name it.
i decided to fast on monday. i did nothing but drink water and diet arizona ginseng tea. i felt so weird after eating so much so monday wasn't that hard. but don't think i didn't have to not look in the fridge. that little person on my shoulder still says, eat, eat, eat!
BUT! i listened to my body and i needed a day of cleansing. i also took a supplement called spirulina. it's concentrated algae(sp?) it's like eating a lot of green vegetables. i had a good hand ful of those too.
but it's tuesday and i am wondering what to eat today. that spirulina helped me go poo poo three times. let's just say my booty hole hurts.
now i'm cleansed and i don't want to eat to much today. if you can believe it i'm still really not hungry but my mind is telling me i am because i didn't eat all day yesterday. but my body is telling me to give it a little more time.
SHIT!!! i want some food!!!!
i gotta go. it's tuesday and i need to really get some of these papers written for school.
after school i am going to call jen, bren, hoppe, and adam. all of you were calling yesterday and i did a lot of sleeping cause i really felt kind of sick after a day of eating everything. i'll hook up with all of ya'll on what's going on this week.
what can i say... it is 5:30am and i am getting ready to watch tennis.
first of all my nails need to dry and then i am going to the grocery store. i really need to get my grocery shopping done. i don't mind getting the good food that will keep me losing weight, it's just the fact that i have to go in that store with cookies and ice cream.
who knows, i'll do fine.
i can't wait for tennis to come on! i am sooo into it. the men semi-finals are on this morning. rafael dadal and roger ferderer are playing some other players, BUT it looks like they will be in the final.
at the french open a couple of weeks ago rafael nadal won. he is number 2 in the world and federer is number one. nadal won thje french open on a clay court. this is WIMBLEDON! a grass court championship! i hope that ferderer wipes his ass! it was hard watching him bein 2nd place at the french open.
both of them are good grass court players but federer should be better. BUT, nadal looks pretty good. i want federer to win sooo bad!
anyway, i am hangin out. i called jen this evening and she is doing great with my little sister in law michele. the girl is a good girl, she is pretty well-behaved. i just want her to grow and make progress in this new environment.
she is a devout mormon (her mother and father raised her that way) but she has never had a pretty haircut, nice girly clothes, and a sense of what it is like to be a cute little girl. i hate to say it but i am so glad that she is here. she will be here for 3 weeks and i hope that we can show her a new kind of world. i know that sounds bad, BUT environment is everything!
i guess i better go. it's almost 6:00am and i need to get the grocery shopping done before the tennis begins. i know i'm a fool but i can't help it. it's a force that i can't reckon with. i need to see what's going on!
i love and respect all of you and i'm happy that i am blogging.
i can't wait to weigh in. i know that i'm under 300! i can feel it! even if i'm not, i get to update my weight loss chart.
i have decided that it is time for me to finally post on my blog.
i've been up to a lot for the past weeks. YES! weight loss being one of them. i haven't had a chance to weigh myself but if everyone is right, they have been telling me that they can really tell that i am losing weight.
i have a doctors appt. on july 18th and i will most likely weigh in there. i just haven't found myself around a doctors scale lately so i haven't felt like weighing myself. i hate it when i get on a floor scale and it's one or two pounds off.
i am still watching tennis. this is gonna be a GREAT womens final. mens haven't been decided yet.
good lord....
between school, this surgery looming over my head, weight loss, and trying to handle a kind of x-boyfriend and then a guy that i decided to get with (we did not consumate, just played around) that i have known for about 6 months. he is 21 yrs old. YES! i know that i am 32 yrs old! but he was leaving for fort worth on thursday and i told him that if he didn't say good-bye i'd kill him.
soooo, i found myself face to face with him on monday! we have been hitting on each other for months. just kind of talking sexually to each other but truly mostly in fun.
then, i walked out the back door, saw him in the pool, walked over to the side, he came over and i planted one on him! i asked him if that was ok and he said that it was about time! what can i say!! for 21, he's a greeaattt kisser!
i'm such a cradle robber! we kissed a lot and used our mouth and hands a lot but it got REALLY late and we decided to say good-bye. it was so nice! i'm such a hoooo, i'm such a hoooo!
jen is getting ready for the wedding and she is sooo busy! it makes my head spin with all that she has to do. if i was going to get married... it would be eloping! justice of the peace then an immediate honeymoon. maybe a little party after the justice of the peace BUT that's it.
her AND norman want a big wedding. yes! i said norman too! he wants this one to be forever and he wants everyone to know and he wants to look at his gorgeous bride and say i do in front of god and everyone! i am soooo gonna cry! weddings always make me cry. maybe it's the joining of two souls forever.... boo hoo!
i think that that's all that's going on. i'm desperate to lose weight, i'm scared half to death about my surgery, tennis is on and i couldn't be happier, and i'm having a lot of fun with my little boy toys!!!
i know that i am being stupid and i am sooo unsure of myself and you really haven't seen that before BUT you wanted to be my friend.
we also have something in common with our adams, so, i thought that you might be able to help me shed some light on my situation.
it doesn't sound like you are investing as much in your adam as i already have with mine. it's gonna be hard!
i hate feeling this way! i am the strong one! i am the sensible one! i'm the one that USUALLY knows what's always best for me! this is just a hard one to navigate.
thanks for the advice and thanks for getting your ass out of bed so that i could vent and bitch!
but you shouldn't have blogged what you did! i wouldn't have called without a good reason.
SHOUT OUT...............
hey jen my little poo poo monkey!
i woke shannon up at 6:00am to talk to her about adam. it was her fault with what she said in her blog to me about her adam. so, i told her that it wasn't my fault that i had to call her! she wasn't mad, i'm happy! shan says hi! Haw! (vance used to do that with me about mom, joke)!
i'm still having some issues with the fact that adam and i aren't still together. i know, i know! you must be thinking that i know what i want and what i don't want and what exactly can he offer and not offer me, BUT this is harder than i thought it would be!
i know that you have really not seen me so wishy washy BUT in some way i still want to be with him.
he's just such a good, honest, sweet, gentle, and willing to learn guy! it's just hard! don't think bad of me if i do see him or don't think bad of me if i don't but i ramble on and on about him!
i'm not telling brenda shit! she is still under the impression that he is NOT for me and i'm over with him. i'm nervous that she'll say to me or maybe to you that i'm setting myself up to get hurt and i know what i should do, but i won't do it.
maybe i'm not giving her enough credit again. she is just so tired of hearing me go back and forth with him that it might be better to hold onto these feelings for a little while longer until i work something out.
i love you and i hope that YOU and shan can help me navigate this shit.
thank you for not judging me and letting me TRY and figure out what's best for me.
Eeeee! Wimbledon is on. i got up at 7am so i could start watching all of the action! Federer is playing the first match of the tournament and i have goos bumps.... Eeeeeee!
as far as the surgery is concerned i am not really scared. NOW, all of this will change when they admit me into the hospital though. my hernia IS rather large and the abdominal pain is going to be BAD! i am also the shittiest patient in the world. if they try and get me up the next day to walk, i tend to tell them to fuck off so i can have a day to cry through the pain. THEN, i get up and do what i need to do. they are never happy with me! what can i do, i know what's best for me, to a limit.
the doctor said that if i could get down to 250pounds by August 1st that he would feel that my me being a HIGH RISK SURGERY would be sooo much less.
WELL, let me just tell you. the only people that i know that can lose that much weight is by starving yourself and excersising until you almost drop dead! this is NOT my plan!
i plan to eat a little less and excercise much more. other than that, he can KISS MY ASS! i have to go back to the doctor on July 18th for a check up and to see how much weight i have lost. my doctor will be happy but not as happy as he wants to be. oh well, lifes a bitch and so am i. Haw!!!!
swimming has been my excercise of choice. it does NOT hurt my body and i truly love to do it. i am also stepping up my low impact aerobics at home. as far as i'm concerned this is the best way i feel that i can lose weight and still feel fullfilled and happy. i'm sure my ladies out there would agree!
i just really want to make a good dent in my weight loss because i really need this surgery (tubes tied as well, Yee Haw!) and if the risks to me can be lessened by losing a chunk of weight. i think that it is VERY important to do my best. i am really taking this seriously and to be quite honest with you, i should!
i cannot tell you all how much it means to me that i have gotten replies from bloggers that i don't think i have ever talked too and it feels great to know that you actually read my blogs and that you feel compelled to give me all of ya'lls valuable and loving advice!
SHOUT OUTS!
jen i can't express how much i love you, so, i love you infinity...Haw!
shan, you have been a constant reminder of how strong i am and how you really value me as a good person. that makes me feel good, beotch!
i truly can't remember everyone else who has blogged me...SORRY! but i do know, with every one i got from everyone, it made me feel happy and fullfilled to know that people worry about me. god, i love all of you beautiful women...boo hoo!
tennis is on and i have WASTED enough time on you all. REMEMBER! it's tennis, family, food, and everything else..HAW!
well, i have finally decided to give you all an update on my life so far.
the man in my life is now out of my life. 3 weeks, for me that's a pretty long time. my longest relationships have been 3 months long. they always start out hot and heavy with some conversation, but then you really start finding out about what they believe and how they think about life and people and the magic starts to fade. by the 3rd month, i'm thinking of a way to get out of the relationship! i know, sounds bad!
Adam WAS truly a wonderful man though. we made pancakes naked and he fed them to me. when the covers in the bed fell of of me while i was asleep he covered me up and layed closer to me. he loved my body and i taught him to new tricks. he was a little stunted sexually. but i didn't mind after we got started. he was a quick learner....hee hee!
BUT! i found out just in time that he was going to be with a girl names Casey and he did have sex with her. i asked him aren't i enough for you. he said i was great BUT if we weren't engaged or married that he didn't see why we should be exclusive. i TRULY made myself clear when we talked about this and i stupidly used the word MONOGAMY and he had NO idea what that meant.
miscommunication put us almost miles apart. i guess i should have asked him if he knew what the word meant....HAW!
i still hold him in a good regard. he was so sweet and attentive and he made me feel beautiful! i also made him wayyy more comfortable with his own body that towards the end of our relationship, fucker was walking around naked ( he has a little roll of a belly and it has always bothered him, but not with me).
i really hope that he finds what he is looking for because he is worthy of love and growth, i guess it just wasn't going to be with me. boo hoo. but i'm getting over it.
REMEMBER! communication is the key. i wouldn't have known if i let things slide, but that is SO NOT my style.
i'll update the surgery weight thing in my next blog!
yes. he said that he would leave the door open and that i could crawl into bed with him and get my kisses and cuddles!
well, guess what i did? he asked me for a pepsi while he was in the bedroom and i was in the kitchen and i said what comes at the end of that sentence yelling from the kitchen and he said. "kristen?" i don't think so! i was looking for please. did i bring him his damn pepsi...Nooooo! he was surprised when i walked into the bedroom without it but he said that that was ok and that he would get it himself. 
jokingly! i have also made fun of him going to church on thursday night because they call it the gathering! sounds like some horror movie! he really has been patient with me BUT i am so scared that one of these days he'll have to choose me or the church. 
