04/27/2009 21:34
HOLY SMOKES BATMAN!
** posted previously at www.singleparentshelp.com but it's my material so I can post it again. ***
This is why I stress eat...it's finals, I have to shuffle my son to baseball and football practice and I'm taking 21 hours this semester and then on top of that this is 'ordinary' in my world.
I got out of school early tonight..Ds is at his dad's so I head home in Daylight no less! I'm stoked, enjoying the ride home when uh oh....I have that "gotta go" feeling. Hmmm I'm about 30 minutes into my hour and 10 minute drive home or 5 minutes from Mom's house. It's still daylight so I risk a trip into the 'hood. I get to her house and am admiring the azealeas...and walk to the side door and knock...and wait....and knock again.....hmmmmm "Where the heck is she?" I peek through the window and see her running...yep my 68 yr old Mom running across her kitchen...which is full of smoke. 
I knock again and she comes to the door...Doesn't open it and shouts...."MY MICROWAVE IS ON FIRE"....I shout back 'DO NOT OPEN THE MICROWAVE' ...simple huh? Then I shout "UNLOCK THE DOOR".....another simple request....SOOOoooo what does MOM do? Ummmm Opens the Microwave and then FINALLY OPENS THE DOOR....good thing as I was looking for a rock to throw through the glass....sigh...
She not only opened said Microwave but she pulls out the plastic plate with a burnt, charred and heavily smoking black object on it...As the door opens and I spy the plate in her hand I shout "DO NOT PUT THAT IN THE GARBAGE CAN, THROW IT IN THE SINK"..... Soooooo what does Mom do? Uh huh She flips the black smoking object into the garbage can along with 1/2 the melted plastic plate, the other half she tosses in the sink. I finally get into the kitchen and it is totally full of white smoke, my eyes are burning, I cann't breathe, I'm coughing and there is no way to see across the room. Scarily enough there is NO SMOKE ALARM ringing.
I ask her if the microwave is still on fire, she answers "I don't know" I go to look and no it's full of smoke but no fire...My Mom goes and opens the hall door to check on her cats.... 
and viola the Smoke alarms all start to go off....Uh huh her living room and kitchen are 1/2 the house....and no smoke alarms...BUT her hall way to the 3 bedrooms has 2, yes 2 Smoke alarms in the 6 foot long hallway.... 
AND THEY ARE BOTH GOING FULL BLAST...
Mom asks me how to stop it...Ummm put in the alarm code? Yeah that works for about 3 minutes, when I notice that a very large amount of smoke is coming out of the plastic garbage can my mom tossed the burning lump into AFTER I TOLD HER NOT TO!!! So my MOM the white haired walking disaster picks up the plastic garbage liner and runs out side and throws it into the ginormous garbage can the city provides....which is now smoking because it's full of leaves and paper....AAAARRRGGGGHHHH
The smoke alarm is blaring and my Mom is doing her best to burn down the entire city of Memphis...the neighbors are coming outside to look and there is smoke coming out of the big garbage can in the yard, and the door to the house...I ask my mom to get water...she brings me a 6 oz glass of water....WTF? I don't need to take an asprin, I'm trying to make sure her house doesn't burn down....maybe the Garden hose would be a better idea? Oh it's not hooked up....Okay well maybe a FREAKIN" PITCHER OF WATER AND BTW TOSS THE PLASTIC KITCHEN GARBAGE CAN OUT HERE SINCE IT"S STILL SMOKING ALSO!!!
Finally get that fire/smoldering mess put out and my MOM ,THE NEWEST WEAPON OF MASS DESTRUCTION , opens the top of the ginormous garbage can to give it AIR so the FIRE will go OUT??? Ummmm I'm just guessing but maybe just maybe when she was in ART SCHOOL she could have took a basic safety course, or science class and learned that FIRE NEEDS AIR TO SURVIVE SO CLOSE THE FREAKIN' LID OF THE GARBAGE CAN. OMG!!! ENOUGH ALREADY....I'm thinking that I'm going to have to knock her out with a cast iron skillet to save both our lives when the smoke alarm in the house is still going off, and she realizes the door isn't shut and one of her precious rescue cats might get outside. She runs back inside and I follow her...she puts in the alarm code.... The alarm goes off and silence...ahhhhhh..Mom turns on the exhaust fan over the stove and nothing blows up! Whew...we still cannot see and I'm choking and coughing....seems my asthma isn't gone, it was just lying dormant waiting for a nice little house fire to bring it out of retirement.
I asked my mom if she had a box fan. NO. I cann't open any windows because her house is freakin' Fort Knox...I mean this is Memphis after all. So I go in one of the bedrooms to see where the cats are and I walk straight into a large circulationg fan on a stand. I go to hook it up and the smoke alarm goes off again...Mom punches in the alarm code and it stops. Then I notice there are still 2 minutes and 30 seconds left on the microwave display.
Ummm Mom?
Smoke alarm goes off again....Mom punches in the code.....
What were you cooking?
An Eggroll...
"Why were you cooking an Eggroll so long?"
The box said to cook it 11 minutes.
Ummm Mom...I don't think so...probably said 2 minutes.
IT DID NOT IT SAID 11 MINUTES.
Smoke alarm goes off again..mom enters the code..
.then she marches over to the freezer and removes a box of frozen egg rolls...turns it over and says "SEEE right there!"
I look and it says 1 1/2 minutes... MO-TH-ER...that says One Minute and a Half...!!!
"oh"
This woman has endangered my life and hers and that of countless rescue cats hiding under her beds and all she can say is 'oh'
Seriously! Mom! 11 minutes would cook a Turkey!
Well I didn't know....
MOM a frozen dinner is only 5 or 6 minutes...
Now if you haven't peed yourself yet..here is the reason for the whole fire thing...
Well I was on the phone with Gilda and she was confessing that she was the neighborhood dog napper and I guess I was distracted...
Neighborhood dog napper
You remember back in the 70s dogs were disappearing from the neighborhood? Smoke alarm starts going off...Mom enters the code....
Yeah, I actually remember when the dogs in the neighborhood were disappearing. The Memphis paper ran a series of stories about it...They suspected people were stealing them to sell to laboratories...
No, it was Gilda and Patty.
Gilda and Patty, from the P.T.A. and Room Mothers club?? They were stealing dogs?? HOW???
Oh yes, with bolt cutters and all...but it was for a good reason...Smoke alarm starts blaring...Mom enters code...
What possible reason could they have for Dog Napping??
Well they were rescuing neglected dogs.. They would drive them down to Mississippi.
Why did they take them to Mississippi? Smoke alarm...Mom enters code...you know the drill by now...
Mom! The dogs? Why did they kidnap...er dognap the dogs and take them to Mississippi?
Well they put them on the underground railroad...
Okay f*ck it...14 years of sobriety are about to go down the drain!!
Anyone got the number of a nice nursing home for senile seniors who are a danger to themselves and others???
Seriously, I never knew anyone to set a microwave on fire before My son did it last year...Now my mom does it...sad, sad, proof that I am NOT adopted.
I knock again and she comes to the door...Doesn't open it and shouts...."MY MICROWAVE IS ON FIRE"....I shout back 'DO NOT OPEN THE MICROWAVE' ...simple huh? Then I shout "UNLOCK THE DOOR".....another simple request....SOOOoooo what does MOM do? Ummmm Opens the Microwave and then FINALLY OPENS THE DOOR....good thing as I was looking for a rock to throw through the glass....sigh...She not only opened said Microwave but she pulls out the plastic plate with a burnt, charred and heavily smoking black object on it...As the door opens and I spy the plate in her hand I shout "DO NOT PUT THAT IN THE GARBAGE CAN, THROW IT IN THE SINK"..... Soooooo what does Mom do? Uh huh She flips the black smoking object into the garbage can along with 1/2 the melted plastic plate, the other half she tosses in the sink. I finally get into the kitchen and it is totally full of white smoke, my eyes are burning, I cann't breathe, I'm coughing and there is no way to see across the room. Scarily enough there is NO SMOKE ALARM ringing.
I ask her if the microwave is still on fire, she answers "I don't know"
I go to look and no it's full of smoke but no fire...My Mom goes and opens the hall door to check on her cats.... and viola the Smoke alarms all start to go off....Uh huh her living room and kitchen are 1/2 the house....and no smoke alarms...BUT her hall way to the 3 bedrooms has 2, yes 2 Smoke alarms in the 6 foot long hallway.... AND THEY ARE BOTH GOING FULL BLAST...Mom asks me how to stop it...Ummm put in the alarm code? Yeah that works for about 3 minutes, when I notice that a very large amount of smoke is coming out of the plastic garbage can my mom tossed the burning lump into AFTER I TOLD HER NOT TO!!! So my MOM the white haired walking disaster picks up the plastic garbage liner and runs out side and throws it into the ginormous garbage can the city provides....which is now smoking because it's full of leaves and paper....AAAARRRGGGGHHHH
The smoke alarm is blaring and my Mom is doing her best to burn down the entire city of Memphis...the neighbors are coming outside to look and there is smoke coming out of the big garbage can in the yard, and the door to the house...I ask my mom to get water...she brings me a 6 oz glass of water....WTF? I don't need to take an asprin, I'm trying to make sure her house doesn't burn down....maybe the Garden hose would be a better idea? Oh it's not hooked up....Okay well maybe a FREAKIN" PITCHER OF WATER AND BTW TOSS THE PLASTIC KITCHEN GARBAGE CAN OUT HERE SINCE IT"S STILL SMOKING ALSO!!!
Finally get that fire/smoldering mess put out and my MOM ,THE NEWEST WEAPON OF MASS DESTRUCTION , opens the top of the ginormous garbage can to give it AIR so the FIRE will go OUT??? Ummmm I'm just guessing but maybe just maybe when she was in ART SCHOOL she could have took a basic safety course, or science class and learned that FIRE NEEDS AIR TO SURVIVE SO CLOSE THE FREAKIN' LID OF THE GARBAGE CAN. OMG!!! ENOUGH ALREADY....I'm thinking that I'm going to have to knock her out with a cast iron skillet to save both our lives when the smoke alarm in the house is still going off, and she realizes the door isn't shut and one of her precious rescue cats might get outside.
She runs back inside and I follow her...she puts in the alarm code.... The alarm goes off and silence...ahhhhhh..Mom turns on the exhaust fan over the stove and nothing blows up! Whew...we still cannot see and I'm choking and coughing....seems my asthma isn't gone, it was just lying dormant waiting for a nice little house fire to bring it out of retirement. I asked my mom if she had a box fan. NO. I cann't open any windows because her house is freakin' Fort Knox...I mean this is Memphis after all. So I go in one of the bedrooms to see where the cats are and I walk straight into a large circulationg fan on a stand.
I go to hook it up and the smoke alarm goes off again...Mom punches in the alarm code and it stops. Then I notice there are still 2 minutes and 30 seconds left on the microwave display. Ummm Mom?
Smoke alarm goes off again....Mom punches in the code.....
What were you cooking?
An Eggroll...
"Why were you cooking an Eggroll so long?"
The box said to cook it 11 minutes.
Ummm Mom...I don't think so...probably said 2 minutes.IT DID NOT IT SAID 11 MINUTES.
Smoke alarm goes off again..mom enters the code..
.then she marches over to the freezer and removes a box of frozen egg rolls...turns it over and says "SEEE right there!"
I look and it says 1 1/2 minutes... MO-TH-ER...that says One Minute and a Half...!!!
"oh"
This woman has endangered my life and hers and that of countless rescue cats hiding under her beds and all she can say is 'oh'
Seriously! Mom! 11 minutes would cook a Turkey!
Well I didn't know....
MOM a frozen dinner is only 5 or 6 minutes...
Now if you haven't peed yourself yet..here is the reason for the whole fire thing...
Well I was on the phone with Gilda and she was confessing that she was the neighborhood dog napper and I guess I was distracted...
Neighborhood dog napper You remember back in the 70s dogs were disappearing from the neighborhood? Smoke alarm starts going off...Mom enters the code....
Yeah, I actually remember when the dogs in the neighborhood were disappearing. The Memphis paper ran a series of stories about it...They suspected people were stealing them to sell to laboratories...
No, it was Gilda and Patty.
Gilda and Patty, from the P.T.A. and Room Mothers club?
? They were stealing dogs?? HOW???Oh yes, with bolt cutters and all...but it was for a good reason...Smoke alarm starts blaring...Mom enters code...
What possible reason could they have for Dog Napping??
Well they were rescuing neglected dogs.. They would drive them down to Mississippi.
Why did they take them to Mississippi? Smoke alarm...Mom enters code...you know the drill by now...
Mom! The dogs? Why did they kidnap...er dognap the dogs and take them to Mississippi?
Well they put them on the underground railroad...
Okay f*ck it...14 years of sobriety are about to go down the drain!!
Anyone got the number of a nice nursing home for senile seniors who are a danger to themselves and others???
Seriously, I never knew anyone to set a microwave on fire before My son did it last year...Now my mom does it...sad, sad, proof that I am NOT adopted.