| Height: | |
| Start weight: | 259.00lb |
| Current weight: | 250.20lb |
| Goal weight: | 172.00lb |
| Lost to date: | 8.80lb |
| Remaining: | 78.20lb |
| 22 |
| November '08 |
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Both my home computers are infected with some virus that has made them virtually frozen, so I haven't been blogging. I hate getting on at work. I was down a couple then gained them back.. same old story! And I'm so tired of hot weather!
This last hour of work is going so slowly! Last night I did 22 minutes on treadmill to try and make up for the big piece of 3-layer birthday cake I ate (it was SO good)! I'm so glad it's the weekend! Have a good one, everyone!
I am still around! Working again has cut into my blogging time for sure. Today I actually took time to read and comment in your blogs. I haven't gained lately and am back in striking distance of the 240's. I'm still not eating on program but I I walked for a short time on Mon. and Tues. and am trying to balance my unhealthy choices with some healthy ones. So that accounts for me basically maintaining for the last month. I want to nudge myself back into losing, even if it's slowly.
I'm not as down as I was earlier. Moods do come and go, don't they? Work has suddenly gotten busy which is a good thing. A lot of my feeling unfulfilled was being kind of bored at work and not quite fitting in yet. Now in my 4th week it's starting to feel like I belong. My neighbor is having a potluck on Saturday and I plan to bring chicken satay skewers, or something similar. And it will be good for me to be forced to interact with my neighbors. I'm just a wave-at-them-in-the-car kind of girl.
I've noticed that whenever I think about my weight (the actual number) my mind puts a "one" in front of it. Then I have to say No, I'm 250 not 150. You'd think I wouldn't do that since I've been 200 most of the last 15 years! Denial? Disbelief?
I know it's been a while since I've blogged. The truth is I haven't been following my diet and I didn't want to bore anyone with whining about how I'm not doing well. I know that my problem is bigger than food. I know that I may not be depressed, but I'm not happy. I know that I don't have anything or anyone in my every day life that brings me joy. I sit and wonder why I'm going to work and living my life in a way doesn't bring me any sense of purpose. I guess I'm having an existential crisis! I know a lot of things but don't take any action to make things better. I'm going to keep chewing on this for a while, and start planning a trip to visit my sister and her kids. That will give me something to look forward to. I had lunch with a friend and her new baby today and it was so good to see her and be with a friend. I just need to find more of them.
Ah, the weekend! So far I have taken both cats to the vet and cleaned the bathroom. My little Tortoiseshell, Cleo, weighs 8.3 lbs and my big tabby, Theodore weighed in at 16.9 lbs! But he's not fat, he's just a big, tall cat! He's a sweetheart, too. This weekend is going to be a scorcher.
I got my first paycheck at work and it was more than I expected! They said they'd raise my salary by $100 a month after 90 days but it looks like they are giving me that salary right away! I'm assuming it was done on purpose because they saw I was worth it. 
If anyone is interested in seeing some of the jewelry I make, take a look at my store on iOffer. Just if you're interested! Hopefully the link will work.
Pam is checking up on me! Good for you, because I did not go on my treadmill as I said I would. I did take a short walk at lunch so I guess I figured that counted. I weighed myself this morning and was surprised I haven't gained. I maintained. I should be losing, of course. I packed a salad for lunch today then the VP said she was buying lunch so I got a turkey wrap with baked Lays. I shouldn't have eaten it all but I did. So, I'm making better choices but still not the best choices. I just tell myself this is a marathon, and even though right now I seem to be running in place, at least I'm still running!
So where I work has no table in the kitchen area so I have to eat at my desk. I have told my manager I'm on NS but not my officemate. All I told here is I'm on a diet. She's tiny and thin so can't really relate. Every time I eat something I think she may be thinking, "she's eating again." But you know you have to eat something small every few hours. My manager called a meeting during lunch on monday but suggested ordering salads, in part I'm sure because she knew I was dieting. The salad wasn't LF (Quiznos Ceasar) but I ate half Monday and half Tuesday.
Still, I have been going off program at night. I bought a new book to read which I hope will have some insights. Today is cool, finally, so I will treadmill after work. Bye for now.
I weighed so I can start again and I'm up 2 lbs. I'm going to track my food today and stay on program. I'll be doing some cleaning which will probably be the extent of my exercise. Yesterday I walked for 20 minutes on treadmill. I am feeling a bit depressed but I know it's mainly due to my going off program last week. If I start treating myself right again I'll feel better. That's the plan anyway! So starting today, back tracking my food and eating on program.
I'm not sure what is going on with me. I've been staying on plan at work but doing damage at night. Obviously the change is that I'm workiing now. I think I've always connected getting off work as time to let loose, de-stress, or celebrate. But I can't do that and harm myself in the process. I know I need to find some other way to pamper myself, because I can't afford to get any larger. I see myself in a passing mirror and can't believe it. I have stopped exercising and haven't weighed myself in days because I'm afraid.
I think I have to face what I'm doing, step on the scale and see where I'm at before it gets out of hand. And start exercising again. It's hard to get the motivation to do all that. But I have found that after "indulging" myself, each time I have thought that it wasn't worth it and really wasn't that enjoyable. Eating bad doesn't feel as good as I thought. So I have to really absorb the fact that I feel better all around when I'm eating on program and treating my body with love. I'll find that place again and keep walking the road to a healthier me.
Oh it's getting hot here now. Just as well I'm back at work where there's air conditioning. Last night I had a mini-binge, but so far it hasn't hurt the scale. I did prepare a salad for myself last night so I had that for lunch with my NS entree and was quite satisfied all afternoon.
I can't wait until I get my own log-ons at work and figure out all the computer programs. My usefullness is so limited right now. I know it's only day two! I just want to dig in and learn it and get self-sufficient. Still, I think I made a good impression today with what I DID get done.
Hope you all are having a good week!
