Dang I am so tired lately! I am thinking I really need to start taking some Iron. I am so bad on that stuff. But wow. Exhausted!
I have not blogged in forever. Why???? cuz I have no time for thought.
And with out blogging, and not going to my WW meetings since I cant afford it, whelp. I am balming horribly!!!
Sigh
Ok so here is what has been going on.
1st that guy I met online I have seen a few times, but he seems to be pulling away not getting closer. Men are friggin weird. I am not too concerned. I like him, but you know. Not my issue its his and I will survive it.
2nd. my eating. What crap lately! I know I am pms’ing as I want to eat non stop and all salt and sugar things. I swear the food industry knows this or they wouldn’t make that stuff so good to pms’ing woman. Meanies!
3rd. I have been emotional lately but not so much that I can blame my eating on it. That’s good I guess, however I have been slacking on the working out and I know its just gonna get harder with summer coming and kids out of school plus all their activities . I really have to sit down and work through how I am gonna fit in at least 40 min a day. Right now I do or try to do 120-180 min a day.
On Saturday my boss had a concert for his local orchestra. My date and I went but I had to dress nice. I went and pulled out my size 16 slacks I bought in Feb. Well they are friggin huge on me! WOW. So i had to actually go and buy a size 13 pants from JCPenny.
I got to not only shop at a normal department store, I got to take part in their sale and was able to get a nice Shirt and Pants for 32 bucks! WOW again!
Doing that felt so great, but seeing my slacking makes me feel so scared inside. I cant go back up i just cant. I have not been a size 13 in well, I must have long term memory issues because I cant remember!
Anyway, I am freaking out scared inside that somehow I am gonna fail and go back up. I have gained , I wont say how much because I never know if its water, or actual weight, and since it is currently fluctuating Ill wait a few days and see if it evens out. But I refuse!!!!!! to go back up to a size 18/20. I fit into my size 12's. They are tight still but not nearly skin tight as they were 1.5 months ago.
I am obviously going down no matter what that scale says so ... PMS or not I will do this. YUP!
Yesterday while on the ET I had many great thoughts about accountability. Because I cant do the WW meetings anymore or not for now, and my friend can’t either, we have decided to still hold our own meetings on Saturdays like normal. I’ll weigh her in and she me so that we are still accountable, still have a day to work towards so we don’t see numbers going up on the scale and still get to go out and have our afternoon coffee time.
I figure Ill be missing the good advice but at least continue to have that day, that WI and that accountability.
Lots of inspiration flows through me when I am sweaty and running and working hard. Its nice.
My ex, Mr.Breakmyheart really added some drama into my life the other day, I fell hard into self pity, but you wanna know what? I totally picked myself up with in an hour, took back my power that I had given him and reclaimed my dignity. I am so proud of that and it is the highlight of my entire week. I don’t normally do that so easily and I just see my confidence in myself coming through in so many ways that I know I will drop the next 20 something pounds and get past this little hurdle I seem to be facing.
I WILL DO THIS! YUP YUP!
So… Now today is another hurdle , I have a stupid meeting that interferes with my work out time. A sudden no notification training. Hate that, and its been happening a lot lately. Like I have no life outside of work that they don’t need to make sure I can attend it.
But I will get in activity today hell or high water! If I have money for gas Saturday I will hike as well. That’s a good 500-700 calories right there not to mention the beautify of the mountains I get to enjoy.
Good things are coming my way. I feel it. I have worked so hard its time now in my life to enjoy and reep some rewards and I wont slack any longer. It’s just not who I am any more.
So….. Now that I took time to blog , I will find time to work out . =)
Thanks for letting me rant all that out. Man I need to come here like I used to. Really kept me going. This week , I will blog. I will. Its like a work out and it’s a must. It really just helps me put it all together in my head.
NOPE! I warn you now, unless your self body image is perfect then don’t do it!
I took pictures Last year April 06 , and just found em, thought Id take more in the same pose just to see.
So sad =(. I see no difference. I know that’s me, I mean. Shoot where did 32 lbs come off of right? But still, since then I have eaten like crap, not worked out and just been sad.
So I warn you now, don't do it!!!
Anyway. I have been very slack in my eating and in my workouts. Just not sure what is up with me. UGH!! So close I can’t possibly let myself down now?
Really just need to get in more fruits and veggies. That used to be a big concern for me and now I pay no attention.
I even ate chips and dip the other day. Not light or non fat, just scarfed a bunch of crap! I have not had a chip in .... Well I can't remember how long but jeesh. Way to much crap going into my mouth!
I know my work has really bogged me down and just between that and my three kids I have been so exhausted. Mentally I know working out makes me feel better but for some reason I am finding way to many reasons why its ok not to do it.
Sigh.. and this weekend is packed with crap so . Hopefully I can get in my one or two today *two preferably* and then one on Sunday. Tomorrow just is not gonna happen for me.
Maybe I am getting depressed? Not sure why I would be.
Wonder if those that loose large amounts go through this. Depression and just reverting back for no good reason really.
I am sure my period is reeking havoc on my emotions too. Feeling just frumpy and giggly and fat and….eww!!! That picture really just did my mind no good at all.
Wonder why I felt so much smaller then I do now when I weight so much more? This part really confuses me. Maybe I have analyzed my own body to much when I didn't use to, instead I just went off of feeling good.
Sigh....
Not sure what’s up with me, Just know I cant let this beat me. Really need to find some motivation somewhere. Cuz I will need it the next few weeks to get on track.
I am slipping and I feel it and it scares me to death!
Anyway… I hope all of you moms out there have a most terrific mothers day.!
Yep, good old me and the great first impression got food poisoning Friday and as he dropped me off at my house I totally lost all my food and drink in the parking lot.
Fat, Skinny, A cow... does not matter, that could not have been a great way to end the night. No last kiss, just me barfing next to his car.
Oh well, I am the queen at laughing at the stupid crap I do. He did call me to make sure I was ok. That was nice.
I really like him, it was a good start to my new life, and taking on new adventures, like dating.
So last week was a disaster, just to exhausted, busy whatever. I ate horrible, I didn’t work out as much as I should of. So sad, but not to be for long. Started off on a good foot this week. Eating ok, since I was sick yesterday that wasn’t too darn hard, today I’ve done great! Got my work out in eating is good.
Now onto the rest of my week.
I didn’t weight in Sat. I was so so sick. My gosh. YUCK! And my son's b day party was yesterday so even sick I still had to run and shop and be ready to party like an 8 year old ! I did however step on the scale, it said 158!
I SWEAR I FAINTED!
But of course I had been up barfing so who knows. LOL. But to even think I could see that # on my scale is sooooooooo amazing.
At the b day party my friends sister in law was there, she has not seen me in a bout a year, her shock and amazement was something I could not have paid anyone to do. She couldn’t believe it! In fact she had no idea who I was when I walked in! Kinda neat actually!
So, I’m better today, and this week I WILL stay on track, and I will Weigh in for the BLC#2 this week. Gotta make my team proud!
I hope you all had a great weekend and if my first date story didn’t make you laugh, well, you need a cocktail or something because that's pretty friggin funny!
So about a week a go I signed up on a dating site. You know, put my feelers out there see what’s going on and see if well... maybe the skinner me attracts a different kind of man. You know .. The one that wont want to take advantage of me? Who knows, I was not expecting a whole lot.
So I have been getting the general weirdoes, thank goodness my e mail is hidden. Some strange people out in the world!
This week has been one of so much HELL1!!! And I have tried so very hard to keep my crap together and not binge eat, unfortunately I have not been working out as much either. Either working extra hours or just passing out from being so exhausted. I missed 5 of the 10 I usually do. OOPS!
So anyway....
Last night, just a horrible night, but I got a call from one of the gentleman I have been online emailing, and we talked for over 2 hours! WOW! I hate the phone and this was so nice I didn’t even notice the time at all.
At the end of the conversation he asks me out to dinner tonight. WOW AGAIN! I am soooooo excited, but SOOOOOO nervous.
Not sure what to wear, or how to act, or what to think. I know just take it easy and enjoy myself, but really I have not been on an actual DATE! In well over 2 years.
Very stressing. Along with my day today, kids are all home and I am just ready for my week to end. Never even caught this , but all the sudden I had pizza in my mouth! Then another piece! What was that all about?
I know better, and never have an issue saying no, but today... It just went right in my mouth! Emotional eating, no matter how much control you think you have, sneaks up and bites you right in the ass! I am telling you. I am shocked at myself right now. Not ashamed, but just shocked. Thought I had that under control, but again, I guess non of us have 100 % all the time.
What a day to do it too. I stood on the scale today and it said 161 lbs! HOLLY HAIRY COW ON A PICKLE!
And then what do I go and do? I eat pizza. *Smacks forehead*
Anywhoo, I just needed to rant for a sec. I am off to finishing cleaning and showering and blah blah.
Wish me luck for tonight. I SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO NEED IT!
No reason really, just didn’t have a darn thing interesting to say. Life has been a bit boring around here!!
That and I have been working a bit more and so no real time, and when I find it my hands hurt so bad I can't even think of typing for the joy of it! =(
So here is my week in review:
I ate like crap! , TOM came and is still lurking around , I missed way to many work outs and fell off track a bit, and on Sat I weighted in -2.6 lbs.
But... They say the thing you did the week before will creep up on you the following week, so we will see how next weigh in goes. !
Things I have thought about this week:
I realized yesterday that as of Saturday I have lost a total of 106lbs since 2001.
86lbs of that has come off since 2004
and 31.6 lbs of that has come off this past 5 months!
WOW! 106LBS!!!!! No matter how I feel like I may be failing, WOW! I guess you can’t beat yourself up to bad when you look at that # huh?
I learned that not working out feels like crap. All week I was tired and grouchy, coulda been TOM, but who knows. I know that starting over again with no motivation is even worse. But I did it. I have been working out this week, and eating so much better and just focusing on waving good bye to the belly and ass fat I have left hanging on me. I feel really good seeing I can stop or slow down and still pick it back up and know it will all be ok and so much better moving and working out.
On Sunday I went with friends over to a BBQ and as I was getting ready I noticed something strange.
I felt great, I thought wow I am beautiful and look at that body!!! I wasn’t trying to convince myself, I mean I actually saw those things and believed them. That feeling right there felt so great. It was like being blinded my whole life and finally getting to see just that one time! I want that every single day. I never knew having good thoughts about yourself could feel so good!
Of course that was just a glimpse and it did not last, but the fact that it came, with out prodding from myself, was just wonderful and I know that its in there somewhere and will soon be an every day thing. I just KNOW it!!!
My son is still struggling, makes it so very hard to continue to not stuff my face out of the conflict of emotions I feel, but I am holding my own. My eating won’t help him at all, nor myself, so what’s the point really?
I have 24lbs to go to my goal. I try to see what I will look like in another 24 more lbs, it’s so hard! But wow, I think it will be amazing!!!
I miss all of you, when my mind and body are in the same place at the same time I will go and check on everyone.
I hope you all have a most fantastic week and enjoy every second of your success!
Your girlfriends will always be like "wow you look great" Even your family might. You never really believe them , or maybe you do. I tend to think they are just being nice.
Men in general don't say much. It’s a fear. If they say, " wow you've lost weight" or anything having to do with weight loss it's some kind of admission that they knew you were fat before. Like somehow YOU didn’t know this.
Anyway a gay man, especially an outspoken one, will just say it how it is.!
Well I went to my office today to meet up with Erin.B.wonderful and grab her copy of The Secret. While I was there I went in to talk to one of the IT guys about my lap top.
His reaction when seeing me. " OMG!!!! Girl what did you do to yourself!!!??".
My first response? " What do I look bad?"
I was really horrified just because of the way he said it.
" NO way you look great! A total difference!!"
That was the moment I think, out of the last few months that I knew, I had better start understanding that the changes ARE drastic, and although not to me cuz I see me every damn day, but to others, The hair, the Weight loss, BIG, BIG,BIG change!
Anyway thought I would share that.
Food and I are not getting along today. I don’t mean this as in I am eating all of it and it hates me, I mean it keeps attaching me.
I tried to make some vegetarian beans today, in the microwave of course. I pull the container out and the beans, hot beans, blow up all over me!! It was all in my hair and on my cloths.
Then I am cutting up some Honeydew melon and SLICE! The knife right through my finger. The melon slipped and the knife sliced open my thumb so bad I couldn’t get it to stop bleeding for like an hour.
In fact I have already gone through 4 band-aids. Not because it’s SO bad, but because I wont sit still long enough for the bleeding to stop. LOL>
So I give up on food today. It just does not like me at all!!!
I am at Wed, which is when I weigh in just to gage where I am for the week. um.. I wont even bother explaining my scale at this time because that’s just another rant and I am not going there.
TOM is on his way and with him I get all the symptoms, boobs hurts, bloating the sugar cravings from hell. Depression and being exhausted all the time! Yep that’s all before he even arrives! Evil little demon
So right now I am just trying to push my water, not get to depressed, and not eat the crap.
Workouts this week have not been great. Instead of two everyday Mon-Fri I have only done one on Sun, Two on Monday, One yesterday and one today.
Not my norm, not pushing it as hard, but.... Still moving so that's a bonus.
Other then my finger and my beans blowing up on me a pretty uneventful day! AHHHHHH . Just love those !
So today I was forced with some hard self-esteem realizations.
Mr. Break my heart e-mailed me today. He asked for some of my time. Normally because I just adored him with all my heart I would have given in. I mean I have really been under stress, plus PMS this last week or so and a hug would have been very nice.
However. I sat and stared at this e-mail. I know what he wanted. It wasn’t me but what I , as a woman, have to offer a lonely old man that doesn’t feel like looking for a hooker.
My self esteem is so low, and trust me I am aware of this, that even knowing this I still pondered it for a second.
What came to me was this:
How am I worth weight loss and my own success if I am not worth respect from others? I can’t possibly achieve my goal if I don’t first respect myself right?
How Can I even begin to ask for happiness, respect, loyalty or love from a man if I allow myself to be used by others?
How will I ever see this women every one tells me I am if I cant see past the fact that all I am ever wanted for is my feminine attributes? Not this beautiful person I am assuming is inside me.
How can I ever expect anyone to see me as more if I don’t start to change what I demand out of people when interacting with me?
I wont ever see my beauty, my worth, or enjoy my success if I let him into my door again. Not just him but any man who wants to just use me and throw me away like trash.
So... I e mailed back. NO thank, I don’t have room in my life for that, I am worth more!
Girls I said it, out loud *well out loud in e mail*
I AM WORTH MORE!!!
And .... I am not one bit sad, or lonely or depressed about it.
I have eaten like crap today so I am sure there is some underlying emotional baggage just in the fact I knew what he was gonna try and use me for and that part hurts, but otherwise... I am more proud today then I have been in the last 4 months.
To top it off..... The bank teller was flirting with me!!!
hehe. And I flirted back!!!!!! I think. Can't really remember what flirting is like, but I am pretty sure that’s what I was doing!
I had a great day, GREAT!
The goddess looked down on me today, picked me up a bit and gave me some inner strength. I am thankful I am so blessed in life and have the ability to make these changes that really are life altering.
No ones gonna use me again that’s for sure! This body is my temple and I have treated it like royalty these last few months, there is no way I will allow anyone to treat it or my heart any differently!
Hard roads ahead. I am at this mid point in the weight loss where I’m getting slack and lazy and starting to fudge more and more. I need to view the next 26lbs as I did the 1st 26lbs. Just have to and so my goals this week, though late, are to do just that.
Water, VEggies, Exercise, and No fudging!!!
NONE! zip ,zero,ziltch! NOTTA
I feel like a goddess today, my hair looks like crap , I’m not wearing any makeup and I am about to go sweat myself to death and yet….. I feel beautiful!
I have hit a good spot today, so in a few months when I’m all down about being single will someone remind me of what I just wrote!!! PLEASE!!!!!
flame Broiled bocca burgers with non fat or 2% cheese. Cut up into a bed of fresh spinich and just on tablespoon of non fat Italian dressing! YUM YUM YUM!!!
Total points = 2!
Hehe! So friggin good!!!!!
Ok now im off. Both work outs are in today. Earned 8 AP points. YAY ME!
In the spirit of Monday I over slept 2 hours and had a screaming toddler greet me at 6am!
YEP! Figured Id start this day off the way its supposed to be. HEHE>
this week I am really focusing on my eating. As in TOM is right around the corner and the sugar cravings are insane!!!
So.... I am really focusing on not depriving myself but not indulging myself either. Today I did have one Oreo cookie. I hate Oreo cookies but it was SOOOO GOOD!
Not sure why. But it hit the spot. Now its a dumb choice when I'm very much focusing on trying to loose that hanging belly and hip fat, i mean where else is an Oreo cookie gonna hange out! Right???
Also bad habits of drinking Starbucks and such are sneaking in again too. i totally broke that habit so I got to keep on track .
This weekend was good. Friday I drove to my friend that is an hour away and we did the mall thing with the kids and had dinner. Saturday I met up with my friends Erin.B.wonderful and a gal from work and saw their ever so cute babies!!! AWE!!!! We played at the park then had lunch.
I did ok. I didn’t order off the WW menu but I did order a cheeseburger, cut it in half and then into another half as it was kinda big. Instead of fries I had a big helping of broccoli on the side and water! Not to bad I don't think. I am allowed a hamburger after all. Jeesh!
I missed Friday's work out, and Saturdays. But I got in one good one yesterday and start back to my two workouts a day today.
Really important for me to start toning that mid section. Now if it would just catch on .....
I had a coffee date on Sunday. Nice guy. I don’t see it going further... But nice guy. I am starting to think maybe I have to move states to find a good guy that suits my life and that is gonna be my match. I feel like where I am I just attract all the wrong sorts of people. *men*
Not that I am looking at dating just yet in life. Mr. Break my heart left a pretty bad taste in my mouth, but just getting out and having fun would be nice.
I would just like to enjoy my smaller body state that’s all. LOL. I know simple huh?
Last week presented lots of drama with my son and so I pray this week is gonna be better for him. As a mother I really beat myself up when he struggles and I just feel so much pain for him. Fingers crossed he finds some joy in being himself and therefore his teachers and I can enjoy the great little boy he really is!
I hope and trust you all had a great weekend!!!! Cheers to your weight loss and goal success this week!
