In my dieting history, weekends have always been my downfall. I can be OP all week long, and then the weekend comes and all I turn into a crazy bad-eating machine. My BF lives 3 hours away and is coming up this weekend with his two boys. He has terrible eating habits -- big time snacker and dessert lover -- so in the past he was a bad influence on me. Ironically he says when he is around me I force him to eat better. How laughable. Anyway, I'm hoping that this weekend won't be a repeat... his new years resolution is also to be healthier. We tend to eat out a lot or order pizza (my biggest downfall and temptation = pizza hut pan pizza).
Yesterday I ate really good all day... I had a moment of temptation as I was hungry, headachey, and tired and the McD's drive thru was calling my name... but I resisted and drove on by. Scale looked really good today, so my choice paid off in the end.
I got a full 8 hours of deep sleep last night and yet today I feel completely exhausted! I'm not sure what's up with that...
I was about to do a workout tape when I noticed the sun shining; I checked the thermostat -- 9 degrees and there didnt seem to be much wind. So instead I bundled up and walked outside. I thought the fresh air would do me some good. I was right, I feel a little less tired now. But still feel lazy.
School starts back up again on Monday. I always have such big intentions over breaks... my to do list is always miles long... but for some reason not much gets done. I think part of it is because I work so insanely hard during school that my subconscious forces me to take it easy over break. But regardless, I still feel bad about it.
I was completely OP yesterday and feeling good about it. I really think it's going to work this time. About 10 years ago I lost nearly 45 pounds with Weight Watchers. I was obsessed about what I was eating and exercising... reading everything I could.... joining challenges.... logging everything... and it worked. I feel like I have that bit of obsession again! And I'm excited about it!
So I'm sure some of you are wondering why, if WW worked that time, I'm back here again, this time with 85 pounds to lose. The answer is because the closer I got to goal, the cockier I became. I thought I did it. I thought I looked great and knew everything. I didn't think I needed the meetings any more. I didn't think I needed to log the food anymore. And I let up on the exercise. And here I am, 10 years later. How sad really.
But I learned my lesson... when I lose this weight I am NOT going to fall into that trap again!
I completely forgot to watch (or tivo) TBL last night! Bummer. I have been watching the National Body Challenge on Discovery though... it's on every night this week and is very similar to TBL. Watching that stuff motivates me. If they can do it, so can I.
My weight has always been a secret... only I know it, my dr of course, and you guys. But I've been thinking that maybe if I am more honest and upfront about that number, it would motivate me to keep going and accomplish this goal once and for all. So I'm thinking I may share the big fat number with my BF this weekend. If I'm honest and put the number out there, there will be no more denying it. I'm thinking that the mortification will humiliate me enough to follow through.
The idea came to me when I was thinking how horrific it would be to go on National TV and tell the world how much I weigh like Oprah or the contestants on TBL. I would die! But, wouldn't that be a motivating factor? I'm curious to know what others think about this...
About a month ago I was crossing the mall parking lot with my son.. a car filled with twenty-somethings was waiting for me to cross. As they drove by they yelled "That's right! Get your fat ass to the mall!" I wanted to die. Gone are the days when my ass would get whistled at... now I am a fat ass. But I think about this often and find it motivating... so maybe humiliation is key.
I watched my recorded copy of Oprah's show last night; my God! Instead of talking about herself, it felt as if she was talking about me! It brought me to tears. If you can find a copy of it online, I encourage you to watch it.
It made me realize how horribly I have been treating myself since I went back to school a few years ago. Especially this last semester. My grades are extremely important to me, and when school is in session, school is my life. I kid around and say that Nursing school owns me, but it really, really does. The expectations I have set for myself are way too high -- yea, I get awesome grades, but those grades are digging my grave. My tombstone will have on it my name and my GPA. How utterly riduculous. I need to have balance in my life in order to lose weight, and more importantly, be healthy.
Oprah talked about loving your body. Embracing your body, was the words she used I think. Not loving it in the shallow sense of Wow, I have magnificent boobs, but in the sense of loving it for the wondrous things it can do. Even though I have treated my body horribly over the last 3 years, it still functions for me. It continues to plug along doing what it was meant to do, while I abuse it. It's like a loyal dog. I need to appreciate my body and treat it with respect.
School starts again this coming Monday. In the next few days I am going to map out a plan on how this semester there will be balance in my life. I am adding myself back to my priority list.
Yes, my life is stressful and insanely busy being a single mom and a full-time nursing student in college, but enough is enough! This year I am putting myself first -- I am taking care of me. This upward and unhealthy spiral must stop. I am NOT going to diet, I am going to change my lifestyle. I need to do it now before my health is harmed from it. I've had this new years resolution before, but this time I MUST do it. I MUST AND I WILL.
In Oprah's magazine this month, Bob Greene had a "Back to Business Plan." I tore it out and placed it in a page protector -- I will be living by this the next 12 weeks. My goal is to lose 10 pounds by then. Slow and easy. Nothing to overwhelming. I WILL DO THIS.
I was soooo tempted to go out for bkfst this morning... I actually sat at the end of my road for a full 2 minutes -- should I go left into town and have bkfst at my favorite bksft place? -- or should I go right and have a healthier breakfast at the coffee shop where I would study. I chose the coffee shop.
I practically live at coffee shops. I'm surprised they haven't given me my own little room. I just find that I my studying is so much more focused there than at home where dirty laundry and dishes are calling my name. I wonder if I'll ever want to go to a coffee shop again after I graduate. I wish they'd change up their coffee menu tho... I'm getting tired of the same old same old.
Clinicals went well this evening. I was on Peds and my patient was an immunosuppressed 6 month old with chicken pox. I love Peds.
I sure hope the scale budges tomorrow... I was extremely good today and did not give in to any temptations.
I got my hair cut and colored tonight. I love my long wavy hair, but when I go to clinicals I have to pull it back and thought it made me look matronly. Plus it was starting to look like my long hair was dragging my face down, if you know what I mean. I saw a young chickie at college the other day with longish hair and bangs and she had it pulled back and it looked so cute on her. So I marched into my salon and said to cut me some bangs. Long story short, I hate it. It makes me look fat.
So after supper I was messing with it and came to realize that it is not my hairstyle that makes me look fat... I make me look fat. I started to cry.
When did I get this fat? When did I get this OLD?! I immediately wanted to crawl into bed and sleep...
I'm tired of being tired.
I'm tired of studying, and taking tests, and studying some more.
I'm tired of being surrounded by young fresh college students with firm bodies, dewey skin, and perky boobs.
I'm tired of my boyfriend living 3 hours away.
I'm tired of my ex-husband contributing nothing for his son.
I'm tired of my house being a complete disaster.
I'm tired of looking for clean clothes in the stack on the dryer.
I'M TIRED OF BEING FAT.
Yes, I know I am the one in control of these things to a certain extent, and I sound like a whiny child, but I just needed to vent a little. Please forgive me.
I completely fell off the wagon. It forced me to think about my life and everything that is going on it right now (which is a lot to say the least) and really examine why I fell off program so quickly. What was it about WW that isn't working this time? The answer is Time. I have absolutely no extra time right now. No time to cook, No time to plan, No time for meetings. No time to count points. So, I quit. Again.
Still wanting to lose weight but without a time commitment, I ran across something newly offered here in my area called Cold Fusion. It's a little nutrition club scattered in several locations. They offer the Herbalife meal replacement shakes. For $5 you get a shot of aloe, a glass of hot or cold Green Tea, and a Meal Replacement shake. They did a body analysis on me (oh the horrors!) and mapped me out a game plan. I honestly think I can do this.
I started yesterday, and I have to admit my energy did feel a little boosted... especially during the bad part of the afternoon. I wasn't hungry all day... and barely could finish my bowl of soup I had for supper.
I went for a walk last night and this afternoon. Short walks, it was all the time I could spare, but at least I did it.
I like the aspect that it's like its a coffee shop where you get your shake. You can do it at home too, but that's not so inspiring for me. We'll see...
I have the day off from school today... normally I have clinicals on Thursdays, but we just finished a grueling 6 weeks in Neuro/Trauma so now we are rewarded with a day off. I should be studying, but am procrastinating by writing in my blog. Bad girl!
I weighed myself this morning (I'm obsessed with the scale) and was pleased with the number. I find that when the number looks good it motivates me to keep going and live my day the WW way. Last night I had the munchies and the bag of Tostitos were calling to me so I went and brushed my teeth... that sure put an end to the craving! Cool!
Halloween is tomorrow... not an issue for me. First of all, I really don't like chocolate or sweets that much. Secondly, we live in the country and in the 7 years I have lived here I have never had a trick-or-treater. So I don't buy candy. I do kinda miss the dressed up kids though...
Ok, gotta go hit the books. Learning all about Hypertension and Strokes.
If you can find a copy of it online, I encourage you to watch it. 