I didn't run today, but i rode my bike a lot.

I definitely ate too much.

And don't feel like posting.

:(

This blog is like a diary... I can write whatever I want here, as long as I write something every day.  That's the rule I made for myself.  Why can't I just do it?

I realize I act the same way/ask myself the same question concerning a lot of things.  Daily pills and vitamins definitely-- even right now, I haven't taken my vitamin or medicine.  There's no reason why I haven't, and there's no reason for me to forget EVERY SINGLE DAY, but I do.  And oftentimes it's not that I forget at all.  I'll remember, and then DELIBERATELY not do what I need to do (for instance, take my vitamin, which I just went and did... score one for me!).

ANYWAYS, I really and truly pinky promise with a thumb stamp, cross my heart and hope to die, stick a needle in my eye, that I will post every day (unless there is some crazy reason I can't, like my laptop dies or something).  I need this accountability.  Like a confessional.

Here's a confession: last night at midnight I ate four graham crackers with a glass of milk.  Here's what's wrong with that:

1. This was after dinner, a slurpee, a cupcake, and a bowl of strawberries with cream. I guess I was hungry, but I should have just gone to bed.

2. I snuck it.  Everyone else was sleeping and I stealthily got it all out and ate it in secret.  If you're doing something in secret, you probably shouldn't be doing it at all.

3. I make a point of not drinking cow's milk.  I only drink soymilk, in my smoothies, coffee, cereal, etc. for health and ethical reasons.  The cow's milk was in the front of the fridge where I could get it quickly and easily without waking anyone up.

4. This was at midnight, and I went to sleep right after eating it.  There's no reason to eat something right before sleeping.  That's stupid.

Another confession: I had another cupcake with breakfast.  Stupid stupid.

STUPID.

Anyways, whatever.  I don't think I'm stupid, I just need to learn to control these weird compulsive urges.  I'm getting better.

One last thought for today:  I have a theory about why I can't seem to lose weight.  I think it's because I have imagined my skinny self so often, and the fabulous life I'm going to live once I'm skinny is so spectacular, that I think I'm afraid of failing.  Failing either by not losing the weight or that skinny me in real life won't be as awesome or pretty as skinny me in my daydreams and skinny life in real life won't be as fabulous as skinny life in my daydreams.

Does that make sense?

Probably not.  Oh well.

Hopefully I will be motivated to go for a run later... we'll see.

<3

I have printed out my "rules" and posted them in a notebook, soon to be filled with inspiration pictures out of magazines.  I've found that one of the best motivators for me is mentally imagining myself at my goal weight and looking at pictures of other people around that weight helps a lot.  Plus I just like doing crafts.  :)

Today was ok.  Made a bangin smoothie (ps... always wondered why smoothie isn't spelled smoothy-- anyone else?) for breakfast, a Special K bar and carrots with hummus for lunch, homemade pasta primavera with broccoli and veggies for dinner, and a homemade cupcake for dessert.  Could have done without the cupcake, but at least there was no mindless snacking.

Unfortunately, I just ate three chocolate chip rice cakes.  Yeah, those midnight (11 pm?) munchies.  I wasn't hungry at all.  I even looked at them, thought about all the reasons I didn't want to eat them, and ATE THEM ANYWAY.  Why????  Honestly, I think it's a habit... it feels like an uncontrollable urge just to eat something (anything, really).  At least the good thing, I think I'm starting to break the habit.  Usually I get that uncontrollable urge to eat something bad (junk, sweets, etc.) multiple times throughout the day.  Today, only once.

Baby steps!!

Yeah, woke up super late today and had a big brunch with my mom.  Delicious, but surely too much food.  If I eat first thing after I wake up, I tend to be groggy and don't think clearly and overeat, or eat things I normally wouldn't want to (like a donut, for example).  But, there's nothing I can do about it now.  I'm living in the present and moving forward.

So, here I go.  These are some of the things I'd like to try to do every day this summer.

1. Drink one glass of water first thing in the morning, last thing before bed, and with every meal.  Also, carry a water bottle throughout the day.

2. Take my vitamins in the morning with my water.

3. Wait a half hour before breakfast.

4. Fruit with breakfast and lunch, vegetables with lunch and dinner.  Protein with every meal, and whole grains when desired.

5. One dessert item per day.  This can be anything, but only one serving.

6. Post on this blog everyday, no matter how unimportant the day might have been.

7. Record food and exercise.

8. Exercise at least six days a week.  Do something fun and active (walk the dog, play outside, swim, etc.) in addition to this exercise every day.

9. Meditate every day.

10. BE POSITIVE.

Soooo I'm going to pretend that right now, 1:22 pm, is "first thing in the morning."  I will drink one glass of water, take my vitamins, and start the day.

Cheers.

I don't expect anyone to read this, other than myself, and I that's fine with me.  It just helps to have a little accountability.  People other than myself could be reading this, so I better step up my game and be consistent.

I definitely do not have a normal relationship with food or my body.  Kindergarten is the first time that I remember looking at myself, my flowery spandex shorts clad thighs spread flat on the school bus seat, and thinking I was fat.  I asked my mom the oh-so-familiar (now) "AM I FAT??"  Of course not, she said, but the weight obsession seed had been planted.  Up until middle school I was a normal, athletic kid.  Around 8th grade I became a weight obsessed, athletic kid.  Unfortunately, right around the time I started worrying about my weight, I started getting boobs, hips, and thighs.  I guess that's the dilemma every teenage girl faces (except those naturally-super-skinny bitches... you know who I'm talking about).  I've gone in and out of varying degrees of fixation with my body, and related weights, up until now.

I am super health conscious, as in, I know what's good for my body, what's bad for it, and the science behind it all.  Nutrition/exercise concerns have consumed my life since middle school-- and I like it!  I LIKE learning about food, my body, etc.  Our bodies are temples and we should treat them as such.  So I am even more frustrated with myself when I do things like eat an entire box of 100-calorie oreo packs in one sitting, or make secret trips to Dairy Queen, or eat so much cookie dough when I'm baking that I have to make a double batch, just to get one batch's worth of cookies.

WHY do I do this to myself???  I have struggled with this question for much too long, and failed to move beyond it and into actual results.  I've come up with lots of theories: that I have created such high expectations of my skinny self that once I lose the weight my life will be a letdown, that I have a mental/psychological or maybe even physical problem that forces these weird food habits and hang-ups on me, etc.  But the fact is, what I need to do is JUST DO IT.  Like Nike (yeah-- I went there).  Seriously, though, and I'm talking to myself here:  Eva, you're not getting any younger.  You have enjoyed lots of good food and will continue to enjoy lots of good food in the future.  You want to do so many things-- they are all possible!!!  And they will be SO MUCH more enjoyable if you are healthy and at peace with your body.  You are beautiful on the inside and deserve to be as beautiful, skinny, WHATEVER on the outside as you want.  So do it for yourself!!!  Don't EVER let anyone tell you you're less than you truly are.  Prove it now.  Get healthy.  Get skinny.  It's what you want, it's what you deserve, and it's what will happen.