Still struggling to get out of this mess I put myself in. I skipped my WI last weekend because I couldn't face it. The scale still says I'm about 5 pounds up...ugh.
Starting a google calendar with my scheduled workouts and meals. Anyone want to join in and hold me accountable? We can share calendars and make sure things get accomplished!
I bought ice pops and cookies at the food store this weekend. The ice pops aren't so bad...no more than 30 cals each, and they're not so good that you want more than one. The cookies are in 100cal packs, but I always wind up eating two of them. WHY can't I just be satisfied with a little bit?! Also finished off a small bottle of Bailey's...I don't even want to know what that's costing me! But it's delicious...
Did anyone see the new oatmeal in Starbucks...the serving cups look HUGE! Add raisins, brown sugar, maple syrup...that's just dangerous! Can't find the nutritional info on their website...hmmm. I guess it's officially Fall if stores are breaking out the oatmeal and soup offerings...I'm not ready yet!
Breakfast: JC oatmeal bar, yogurt, peach, decaf coffee w/ skim and vanilla syrup
If you've been reading these posts at all, you'll notice a recurring trend - I do awesome for about 2 and a half weeks, then I totally f*** it up and have to start all over again.
Without fail, I do something to sabotage myself. This week, I overdid it just a LITTLE bit at a party last weekend, and it's snowballed from there. I can't stop eating.
Last night I went to a book club meeting and ate for 3 hours. 2 hours had gone by when suddenly I realized my hands had been going for the chips and dip non-stop since I had arrived. I'm thinking, "why do I feel so full? I didn't have any dinner tonight," then looked down and noticed a bowl of spinach dip completely devoured. I was sitting on the edge of my seat, hovering over the food like I would fight off anyone who came near my pretzels. For the next hour, I managed to sit back in my chair, but COULD NOT resist the cookies and cupcakes that appeared just a few feet away from me.
I'm not sure if any of my friends noticed my behavior - they must have, because I was acting like a starving crazy person. This morning the scale says I gained another pound. No surprise there! 2 days until my WI. Totally screwed.
Chugging water like it's my job. And coffee (even decaf) seems to work pretty well as an appetite supressant - going to get more at lunch.
I just got passed over for a job I really wanted because they said I was "perfect, but too perfect." Overqualified. Don't you think that if a person WANTS to do entry level work and is excited to be working for the company they've always dreamed about, you should let them!? I don't think that's selling myself short - I think it's a strategic career move, and it shows persistence and sacrifice. Aren't those things you'd want in an employee!?!
I don't want to "dumb down" my resume, but I'm thinking I might try it for a few submissions...I thought a Masters degree would be an asset, but apparently it makes me look pretentious and snooty.
Anyone out there want to sponsor this blog, so I can live off of it and quit my crappy job??
Anyway...still have a LOT of work to do to get off the "3" pounds I gained over the weekend, and I put that number in parentheses because I know some of it is water weight...still daunting to see though. Went to the gym last night and stayed on the precor until my back started hurting (about 25 min), then walked some stairs and did some weights, but my back hurts pretty bad lately (definitely from sitting 7 hours in the car Sat and Sun).
Dinner out tonight with a friend, but I'm going to behave myself, and we'll be doing some walking. Book club meeting tomorrow night...planning to eat at home, then try not to touch a thing at the meeting (excluding alcohol!).
BUT the most exciting thing about tomorrow is that I'm working from home, so I can get up early and walk the beach! Yay! There's nothing better than starting your day with sunshine and fresh ocean air. And after that...the job search and food struggle continues for another day.
Breakfast: JC pancakes, yogurt, plum
Snack: Celery and peanut butter
Lunch: JC pesto pizza, fruit cup, 10 french fries
Dinner: salad w/ chicken or chicken w/ veggies (restaurant), glass of wine
Dessert: shared with a friend (or maybe ice cream?)
Extras: peanut butter, french fries, restaurant dessert = much too much!
Had a big weekend party Sat/Sun...definitely didn't think about what I was eating. Will definitely be paying for it this week.
Right now I'm starving...I have a headache and stomach's growling - but I don't want to eat lunch quite yet, so I'm chugging lots of water. I tried to prepare myself, because when you stretch your stomach to its limits (like I did this weekend!) it takes a few days for it to go back to normal!
Hunger should just be a physical response...but in my mind, its like torture! So another hour of torture shouldn't kill me, then I'll eat my lunch as scheduled.
Slowly...very slowly....this is getting easier to manage. I'm actually doing okay lately. I think that's the first time I've EVER said that!
It really is amazing what a little exercise will do for you. I tried to go to the gym twice this week (which would double the amount of times I usually go!), but didn't get there for visit #2. So instead I've been doubling my daily walk - usually I walk 20 min to work in the morning, then take the subway on the way home. But I've been getting out of work on time and walking the 20 minutes to the train station...and rushing to catch the train, so my heart rate is going pretty good by the time I sit down. That extra 20 minutes of movement is making it much easier to resist food temptations - I'm not starving when I get home, and it feels good to stretch everything out after a day of sitting at a desk. So even though I messed up last weekend, the scale is still going down...slowly, but it's moving!
Going away this weekend for a pool party in MD. Some stupid person (ie. ME) put me in charge of desserts...sometimes I just NEED to bake something, and at least this way I can't eat any of it until I get to the party, where hopefully it will all be gone before I get my chance. So I'm making biscotti, brownies and cookie bars tonight, but my WI is tomorrow, so you won't catch me licking the batter bowl!
The thought of sitting around in a bathing suit with all my friends is freaking me out a little bit, but hopefully there's a hot tub where I can just chill and laugh with friends...because seeing old friends is WAY more important than obsessing over what they think of me. "Stop being so self-absorbed, Brain! Think about other people for a change!"
Have a great weekend all...stay positive so I can stay positive too!
Oh man did I lose it last night! I'm never going food shopping again!
WHY do I buy things that I don't need...that I know I shouldn't be eating right now...I say to myself "well it's just there in case I need it. It's just there in case I get sick of my JC food." But really...it's there because I want it and I'm totally full of crap! And now I'm literally full of crap...because that's what I ate last night...crap!
OK I'm not going to lie, or downplay this...here's what I had for dessert last night:
3 mini Haagen-Daas bars - 190 cal each
2 mini Ben & Jerry's cups - 230 cal each
JC brownie w/ chocolate syrup - about 250 cal
1 cup of melon - about 60 cal
so that's a DAY's worth of calories...in about 2 hours. I couldn't stop...I didn't want to. And towards the end, I just wanted the crap out of my house....so instead of throwing it away, I ate it. Because then it's really gone...then I got my money's worth...then I didn't waste anything.
Does anyone see the CRAZY that lurks in my brain!?!?
I keep taking the weekends off of my diet...like I deserve it or something...I've lost weight 2 weeks in a row...like that's some sort of world record...for SURE I won't be losing anything this week.
Heading to the gym tonight. And tomorrow...and every night because THAT's what I deserve. Not treats. Not yummy food. Just lots of sweating. Lots of pain (good pain, of course). I DESERVE to be yelled at. So that's what I'm doing to myself. Feel free to join in.
Blogging to keep myself on track today...I don't have much to say except that it's Friday and none of my clients are working today, so it doesn't make any frakking sense that I have to sit here in this stupid office and pretend to look busy.
I'm also starving. And in a bad mood (in case you didn't notice).
I just ate some chocolate sunflower seeds, about 100 calories worth. When I could have gotten up off my arse and grabbed my salad out of the fridge instead. So stupid.
WI tomorrow...I think I'll be "okay" - no great loss, but no monster gain either...
Breakfast: Fiber One cereal, yogurt, dried cranberries
Snack: fruit cup, chocolate-covered sunflower seeds
Lunch: spinach salad w/ dressing, JC turkey burger, tootsie pop
Dinner: JC spinach pasta
Snack: JC anytime bar, 100 cal apple crackers
Dessert: JC toffee cookies
Exercise: 20 min walk to work, 30 min walk home from work (if I'm not runnign to catch a train)
Extras: Sunflower seeds, tootsie pop, 100 cal pack = 260
I had a great WI last weekend - lost 3.4 lbs, but once again I'm struggling. If only walking to and from work would be good enough, but I have to put more time in to REAL workouts, and right now "more time" is just nonexistent.
I went out to dinner on Monday night and overdid it - 2 martinis, chicken sandwich, sweet potato fries...meanwhile, my normally "bad" mother orders a chopped salad with dressing on the side! I was proud of her, and mad at her at the same time...she's not supposed to be more controlled than me!
So I'm back on track with the food, but I'm afraid the damage is already done for this week, and I have to work late every night...so going to the gym is out of the question.
Luckily I have 2 full weeks off from my second job coming up, so my nights will be free. I'm going to set up a killer exercise plan, including bike rides, the gym, pilates tapes and weight training with my physical therapist. Let's hope 2 weeks is enough "me" time to get back on track and get under 180 for good!!
I had a business meeting today at a nice italian restaurant...and even though it was more of a casual, social thing, there are still so many rules!
I was terrified that they would make me order first...because that sets the whole mood of the lunch - I was taught that you do as your client does (since technically, they're paying!). If they order a martini, you order a martini, etc.
Luckily, we all stuck to diet cokes and no appetizers. I had a nice pasta with veggies and garlic (ate all the veggies and left some pasta in the plate - NOT an easy thing for me to do!), a side salad, 2 pieces of bread, three spoonfuls of ice cream, and a decaf cappucino. Not the best choices, but you also don't want to look like a diet freak when trying to impress people. So I did the best I could, and I'm okay with that.
The scale has gone steadily (but slowly) down the last few days...so that's encouraging. The salt content of my lunch today will probably spike it up, but I don't think I did too much damage. I'll keep dinner on the light side tonight...maybe stick with a salad.
Going to the physical therapist tonight so he can poke and prod at my back. It's not really helping, because I can't get there enough times a week for it to make a difference. I haven't joined a yoga class like they suggested, I haven't gotten to the gym to use the weights...so I'm pretty much wasting my money. I need more hours in the day. Or they need to install a gym in one of the train cars - then I wouldn't feel like my commute was a total waste of time! I downloaded some French courses to my ipod...to brush up a bit...I'm sitting for two hours every day...I might as well learn something!
Breakfast: JC french toast, half grapefruit, yogurt
Snack: apricots (70 cal pack)
Lunch: 2 pieces italian bread w/ butter, green salad w/ vinegarette, pasta w/ garlic and oil, veggies, mozz cheese, cappucino, teeny bit of tartufo.
Dinner: spinach salad w/ balsamic vinegar and lemon, maybe some tuna on top?
...and went back on my diet. I took about 2 months off, and gained about 4 pounds. I maintained for the first month, but then things kept sliding...I started baking, the portions got bigger, I was eating late at night.
There's no middle ground for me - I've been on a diet since I was about 13 years old, so the only thing I know is on the diet, or completely out of control and off the diet. I hoped that I could control myself and use the lessons I've learned, but after a while...it just slips away and next thing you know the 10 pounds you worked so hard to get off is right back on and your clothes don't fit anymore.
I resent the fact that I can't do it on my own. But I'm resigned to knowing that I will ALWAYS need help...I'll ALWAYS have to watch what I eat. So there's no "off" for me anymore...just "on" until I hit goal, and then a LIFETIME of maintenance staying focused.
Do you think people 100 years ago worried about their weight? Do you think they obsessed about it like I do? Maybe they just had more important things to worry about, and therefore didn't get fat in the first place.
My JCC was very happy to see me, and very supportive. I gave her the whole "it's not you, it's me" speech before I left, and I don't think she believed it! So when I went back to her, she asked me what she can do more to help, etc. I'm glad that she's there to keep an eye on me - that's one reason the scale went up...I started eating in secret...no one to hold me accountable.
I'm trying ease myself into it so I don't go overboard the first week and burn out. Also trying to increase the exercise since it's been non-existant! Pulled my bike out of the garage...my butt hurts now.
I wish I was more excited abou this! Why can't I get excited about fruit and vegetables?! My body says "yay vegetables!" but my brain says "skip the vegetables and give me dessert!" Stupid brain!
And after that...the job search and food struggle continues for another day. 
