March goals

Track food and calories 31 out of 31 days

Be on target for calories 22 out of 31 days

Some kind of workout 22 out of 31 days

Watch at least 2 of my new workout DVDs at least 3 times and incorporate some new moves into my gym workout

Do something fun and/or different at least once this month--eg. go out to a movie, go bowling, meet friends and go out to listen to a band.

Redirecting

I've really been struggling these last few days, mainly with stress (Naomi, I really appreciate your post and it is one of the reasons I am going to explore this today).

From what I can tell, maybe 70 percent of my struggle is due to wildly fluctuating hormones.  Things that last week would have been doable felt just overwhelming this past week.  And some of it is also due to actual occurrences that are worrisome or sad or stressful, like my co-worker having a heart attack (and the good news is that there was no damage to his heart, he had a successful surgery to remove the blockage and should be ready to return in 6 to 8 weeks), like my mother's declining health, like even more pressure than usual at work and not just on me, on the people around me too which leaves us all a bit on edge--the trick is to hang together and not start to bite each other like rats in a cage that is too small.

I was having a really hard time with the hormones last summer and into the fall a bit and was getting some acupuncture for it AS WELL AS making time in my day to take regular breaks, do some deep breathing and listening to a meditation CD at least a few times a week.  I had been reading that paced breathing can reduce hot flashes and other menopausal symptoms by as much as 40 percent in some people--I mean, what the heck, it's FREE and only beneficial side effects!  So I was doing that and it seemed to be helping a bit.  

Then later in the fall, everything seemed to subside and wow, I started to feel so much better, like the weight of the world had rolled off and I could start breathing again.  I got around to a lot of things that I had been putting off for a long time, started making progress again.  That lead me to finally being ready to make the changes necessary to lose this weight that has been bothering more and more for the last several years.  And along the way, I stopped taking those breaks and doing the meditation because, of course, I figured I just didn't need it as much anymore.

Well, lesson learned.  I do need to do it.  So far, I haven't been doing too bad with the food but I can feel my handle on it becoming more and more precarious and I am sure that it is just a matter of time before I go back to using food to deal with stress instead of using better tools.  I know it's illogical--like using a pair of pliers to hammer a nail into the wall.  Sure it works but nearly as well as a hammer and not without the danger of hurting yourself or ruining the wall.  I am a great believer in using the best tools that one can afford for important jobs and in using the right one for the job.  So I am going to try to apply that to this weight loss journey and to life in general.

With that in mind, I am hauling out that meditation CD and bringing it with me to work.  I am committing to myself that in this coming week, I WILL stop at lunch, turn off my phone, push away from my desk and eat my lunch quietly, mindfully and calmly and then listen to the CD for 15 minutes.  I am also committing to leaving on time every day, with the exception of Monday.  And last, I am committing to twice a day taking a break.  I can walk down to the first floor, across the mezzanine (outside) and up the stairs at the other end of the building.  It takes no more than 5 minutes but it is a break, a bit of fresh air and a refocussing.

The other thing that has really slipped this last week is my working out.  I have been having a hard time getting up early enough in the morning to get in my morning workout.  Part of the problem is getting to bed early enough, so again, I am committing to being in bed no later than 9:30.  That gives me about 8 hours, to get up at 5:30 so I can do some kind of exercise before work.  It's early but I have proven to myself again and again that I am just not up to facing a workout after work so morning is the time that I have to do it.  And, again, exercise is the best tool I have ever used and experienced for dealing with stress.  There is just nothing like that warm-brain, relaxed-body feel after a hard workout.  It's a privilege to have a body that is capable of doing that kind of workout, and I really do enjoy it when I get past the initial inertia. 

The main thing is that I have made some progress over the last couple of weeks.  My pants are actually feeling a tiny bit looser.  I don't want to lose that progress or lose my momentum.  

Yikes, WHAT a day.

 This is going to be a short, better-do-this-before-I-fall-into-bed post, just because I am trying to not let too many days go by without adding something to my blog.  

I think I am back on that menopausal hormonal roller coaster.  Things had settled down for awhile but over the last week or so, I am starting to experience the hot flashes again, which are disturbing my sleep somewhat and I am so weepy.  Work has been so busy lately and every time I turn around, there is yet another email, another voicemail message.  I feel like I am falling behind further and further every day and I am feeling very overwhelmed by that.  I took Monday off to do some newsletter work and came back on Tuesday, took a look around and found that it sometimes feels like it isn't worth it to take a day off 'cause it's twice as bad when I get back!

I know I have to manage this and no fooling around.  Just last week a fellow two years older than me had a heart attack at work.  Looks like he is going to be okay but he is going to be off for awhile for sure.  Another fellow a few years older than me, getting ready to retire in the next year or so, just found out he has liver cancer and, barring a miracle, he isn't going to live to retire.  A person has to keep this stuff in perspective--it's just work!  I don't work in a hospital or with kids, where mistakes could have profoundly terrible effects on other people's lives.  

But boy, it is SO hard for me to let go of it.  I have a streak of perfectionism about a mile wide and it isn't helpful to anyone, most especially me.  It drives me crazy that I can't get things cleaned up or ANYWHERE close to it, not just by the end of the day but by the end of the week.  And every day, every hour, there are people asking me to pull a rabbit out of my hat for them.

Whew.  Luckily, my brother and I went out to see my mum tonight and went for dinner first.  I had sushi for dinner which is a pretty easy thing to fit into a diet, especially if I start out with a cup of miso soup first.  Lots of sodium but not TOO bad on calories.  

I had a good cry in the car on the way out and he was, as usual, as he always has been since I was born, a wonderful big brother.  He told me to just tell him who he needed to beat up for me and I could consider it done .  He cracks me up.  I am so lucky to have two brothers that I like so much and love so much.  We had a really good visit over dinner and then had a good visit with Mum too.  Boy, he sure got all the best qualities of my dad, so patient and easy-going and a comfort to be around.

See, now, isn't that interesting?  No matter how bad it is, when I start to think about it, I invariably find something good that comes out of it.

And now I'm going to go fall into bed.......

Sunny Days

 "and the sun poured down like honey on the lady of the harbour"....

It's a LOOONNNNGGG winter where I live.  It's not brutally cold but we get a LOT of snow and it starts in November and isn't gone until the end of March, sometimes into April.  Luckily, I like winter and the snow reflects the light so any sort of sunshine or light that you get is increased--probably better for the psyche than days and days of rain and gloom.  And because we don't get severe cold or wind, it makes it pretty nice to go out and play in it, like snow shoeing and cross country skiing, downhill skiing and snowball fights .

Still, when the sun returns, right around this time of year, it's like waking up after a long sleep.  People start to get a bit giddy, myself included!  You just want to get out in it and feel that sun on your skin.  It's early morning and I am looking out across our fields, through the big chestnut tree.  The land is sloped to one side, like the top of someone's first attempt at baking a cake, with whipped cream spread across it, piling up up behind the barn or scraped down to a skiff on the walkways.  The sun is painting long, long blue shadows under the trees and there are a couple of wispy clouds huddled together, trying to decide what they will do today.

I look around my life every day and so often wonder how I got so lucky.  I have everything that I need and all the important stuff, like the love of good people, support, the blessing of pets, beauty, nature--all of that in abundance.  Into everyone's life some rain falls but truly, I'm not sure what I could ask for if I were granted three wishes, only for myself.  I could wish for things for others but what else could I want for me?  And the more I think about blessed I am, the greater the list grows of things for which I am grateful.

This is one of the things I want to remember, for the future, when I am struggling, one of the things that I remember when the "switch flipped" last time, when I lost the weight a few years ago.  There was a serenity in it, a calm feeling of knowing that it would and could happen, that there were no insurmountable obstacles, nothing at all standing in my way.  There was just a relaxed, committed, focused, conscious choice about everything that I put in my mouth.  And when I made those good choices, one of the weird side effects was that I felt SO much happier about everything.  I don't know that I have ever felt that I wasn't lucky but there are lots of times when I felt like it was all so hopeless, that we struggle and the people we love struggle and then we all die....  Yeah, pretty hard to get much energy going when you feel like that, lol!

But something happened--I just don't know what!  Something that made me feel like, "Yes, we struggle and die but in between we also laugh and love and goof around and feel the sun on our face and smell the lilacs.  And it's worth it."  When I'm feeling like this, it's all so simple.

Wishing all of you a bucket full of good things, from the sunny side of the street......

Enduring

 Emotional like the waves crashing on the shore.         

 But I endure.

 Mind’s still swirling with thoughts around interviewing.  I have been writing articles for a newsletter, which is why I was interviewing someone.  I find it so fascinating how every new venture brings new insight into myself, although I think sometimes it indicates altogether too much self-absorption!

 One thing I have realized is that I am uncomfortable interviewing people, especially people who are a bit on the shy or reserved side, because I see it as an intrusion.  It is more of an intrusion than a conversation about personal stuff because, after all, in a conversation both people put something on the table—I reveal something about myself, you reveal something about yourself.  There are exchanged gestures of trust.  An interview seems like all taking.

 I came close to phoning in sick today just because, just to play hookey, just because it was a beautiful sunny day after a long winter, just because I felt like pulling back into myself.  But I didn’t.  I went to work and felt the usual mix of accomplishment and frustration with not being able to get everything cleaned up and not having time to do everything as well as I would like to.  I had a couple of hours in the archives researching some history with relation to my upcoming article.  Man, I love reading about the past, about the families that lived then and what they did and how they lived.

Headed out to see my mum after.  I felt really good going there and I had time to go to the nearby east Indian restaurant and order some food to go, to give her something interesting to eat.  It was all good.  I don’t know exactly where I came unraveled.  I fed her and talked to her about my day.  She started snoozing after she ate a reasonable amount so I washed her face and hands and massaged some nice cream into her skin.  I didn’t want to leave yet but I had run down and out of things to say to her, especially as she was clearly sleeping.

I took out my notebook and started writing about my life with Mum now, about how distant she is, behind the closed doors of her eyes, about how she doesn’t feel our shared DNA in my hands when I try to move her into a more comfortable sleeping position, doesn’t see or feel how similar those hands are to her own.

The grief I feel at losing her, so slowly, came out then and I wept alone there, beside her in the quiet of her room.  It was the grief of a child for her mother, selfish perhaps.  I rested my head against her and told her that I loved her.  I miss the sparkle that used to be in her eyes, the beauty and fire that she used to be.

But I endure.

I did not overeat.  And I listened to some good music in the car on the way home, dance-y, bounce-y happy music (Greatest Hits of Earth, Wind and Fire…oh yeah!) and I sang along, loudly.  And I wrote this when I got home, surprisingly not craving, not driven to fill the hole.  I am contented.  Grief is okay.  Grief is understandable and acceptable.  Grief does not kill me.  Grief only exists because love and happiness existed.  I am okay with it.

And I endure.

The best laid plans!

Well, it didn’t QUITE work out the way I planned….! 

I’m writing all this out because I want to analyze it. 

- Started out the day with going to the gym and got a pretty hard workout in J

- Ate a HUGE bowl of steamed vegetables before I went and a big glass of water

- I was nervous about the interview and how I was going to handle it; I’m still figuring out my style with these interviews and am not sure of myself yet

- The restaurant was WAY too packed and WAY too noisy; I had a hard time hearing what he was saying for the first half of our lunch

- We sat at a table where I was facing the window, he with his back to it. It was a brilliantly sunny day out, casting his face in shadow and making it hard for me to see him as well!

- Though it was great that I had the vegetables first, I found that the idea of a salad after was just not appealing at all

- and nothing else on the menu was either particularly appealing or sounded like a good diet choice

- except for the yam fries (a favourite of mine)!

- so I had them and a BLT sandwich

ASIDE:  I notice something here.  The anticipation of food is so much more intense than it seems worth in the long run (okay, there are a FEW exceptions to this!).  What I mean by this is the idea of the yam fries is SO good and then maybe an hour (or less) after I eat them I think, “Well, sure they were tasty but so what?  The pea soup would have been tasty too and better for me.”  The thing I want to remember for next time is this:  the idea often outweighs the lasting pleasure that any particular food gives.

- I was NOT overfull when I left the restaurant

- The interview was fine, convivial and everything but I really didn’t get as much out of him as I would have liked

- After we left and went our separate ways, I had a lot on my mind, lots of swirling thoughts, some apprehensive, some just figuring out, a bit of pressure, a bit of guilt, a LOT of restlessness

- and started to feel some cravings coming on; bought a small plain milk chocolate bar and had a couple of squares.  Told myself while eating them that they weren’t all that great

- which, unfortunately, instead of having the affect of making me end there ended up with me buying a fudge bar

- went home and spent the next couple of hours in that grazing, simple carb binge mode

ASIDE:  A distinction:  Overeating is about volume; it's eating anything until I am uncomfortable.  This might be in response to emotion or sometimes it is in response to something that just tastes so good I can't stop.  It might be food that is good for me but too much of it. 

Cravings, on the other hand, are for particular foods, always in response to emotions/thoughts/feelings.  It is not about physical hunger.  Sometimes the two will go together and sometimes not.                                  

There is something very interesting for me to note:  The more nervous or "out of my element" I am in situations, the less likely I am to overeat AT THAT TIME.  The danger time for me  is after, when I am on my own or where I am more relaxed that I will then let down and start eating.  I know I overeat in response to boredom and I think I am more likely to crave particular foods (simple carbs) in response to having been nervous/uneasy etc.

Seeing this gives me some ideas for next time.  No one can avoid situations that might make them a bit uncomfortable.  I know I sure don’t want to because, sheesh, what better way to make my world narrower and less interesting—to stick only with people, places and pursuits that I already know.  So I what could I do after INSTEAD of eating?  You know, it almost feels primal sometimes, like a brain stem activity which makes some kind of sense when you figure that animals often won’t eat when they feel threatened or anxious about threat.  It’s when they feel safe and relaxed that they go to it.  I need to cogitate on this a little longer. 

The best thing right now?  There is no emotion.  I am Tiger Woods after he hits it in the water, calm, cool, observing, analyzing, considering, learning.  There is no recrimination.  There is no shame.  Those things are a waste of energy and focus and counterproductive.  I am merely taking notes and then getting my head back in the game and looking forward to the next shot.  One afternoon of binging is only relevant to the learning process and only noticeably damaging if it continues into the next day or happens weekly.

I cannot fail as long as I keep on moving toward my goal.

The Challenges with Eating Out

 Sunday morning…. 

Well, I didn’t post anything in my blog yesterday and I was really aiming to have a post in there every day, so I’ll have to do better.  I normally like to review my thoughts at the end of the day but the problem I run into then is that I am often too tired, so I’m going to try something different and do it in the morning.  

Yesterday was a good day, all around.  I went to the gym, did 10 minutes on the bike with some really fast pedaling and then 10 minutes on the rower, with some really hard intervals (30 seconds as hard as I can go and then 1 minute easier, repeat a few times).  I think it’s good for me to get on those cardio machines (even though I get bored to tears on them) once in awhile, kind of for cross-training ‘cause the vast majority of my cardio is outside and is always some sort of walk/hike/run type thing.  I figure I’m giving the leg muscles that I normally use a bit of a break and using slightly different muscles and in a different way when I use the bike and rower. 

Then I did a hard upper body workout.  It was not as busy as usual, which was nice. Came home and had a good lunch, some homemade pea soup (so I had skimmed off all the fat) and some steamed Brussels sprouts with a Dijon dressing.  All tasty and good for me.  Then H and I went out for a snowshoe (and I wouldn’t have gone as I was already tired out but he thought he needed some exercise and I like to support and encourage him when he feels so inclined.  

Wow, I was REALLY tired after though and dare I say it, just a tetch cranky too!  I ended up going to bed about 8:00 and slept right through until 5:30 or so.  I woke up a couple of times and thought, no, I can fall back asleep, and I did.  Probably good to get such a long night’s sleep after that kind of workout. 

So, any thoughts on the journey today?  The food plan is, so far, not so hard to follow. However, I haven’t really had any big challenges yet and I have a couple coming up this week. Tomorrow I am taking a client out for lunch—this will be my first foray into a restaurant since I officially started so I am feeling a little anxious.  I also have a dinner out with one of a visiting contractor and a couple of colleagues.  I don’t know if that is going to be this week or next but if I have a choice, I’ll make it next week; that way I won’t have two meals at restaurants in one week.  

Lunch tomorrow is at an Italian restaurant with a great chef, and I understand that they have a really innovative, eclectic menu (my favourite kind!) with things like lobster stuffed ravioli.  My plans are—don’t go into that restaurant starving.  I find that restaurants normally supply an overload of carbs, usually simple carbs like pasta and bread, plus plenty of fat and quite a bit of heavy protein.  One thing that they always skimp on is vegetables (except for salad).  So I am going to have a big bowl of steamed mixed vegetables before I even go out to pick him up. 

The other thing is to drink lots of water.  Then I’ll start out with salad and have the dressing on the side.  I hear their salads are great anyway so that shouldn’t be a sacrifice!  Other than that, if they have a non-creamy soup, that might be a good lunch or a pasta that is not served with a creamy sauce.  Ah, it will probably be loaded with butter and/or olive oil anyway!  The other part of the plan is to remember that I am there to have lunch with a person, and that I should focus on him and not the food.  And remember to slow down, put my fork down frequently, BREATHE, relax. 

I should also make a plan for dinner that will be really light.  Hmmmm, I guess another option would be to have a bigger lunch and go with a meal replacement shake and a bowl of veggies for lunch?  I’m going to think about that.  

Okay, I’m blathering now………time to get moving!

Observing the bad stuff instead of living in it

 The day started off pretty good—I went out for a snowshoe before work.  Of course, it COULD have been better.  I could have gone out for an hour or 45 minutes instead of checking my email first and then dithering around the computer.  But then, that’s what I always think.  Part of my problem in the past has been that all-or-nothing thinking: “ I should have gone out for a longer workout, so I might as well not go out at all.”  I’m trying to get to a point that even if I only have 10 minutes—hey, even if it’s only two minutes!—that I make the best of it instead of dismissing it as useless. 

I have always looked upon the intense workout as the stonewall against gaining weight and every passing year and decade, I have this disproven to me again and again.  One interesting example was on my trip to Montreal and Quebec City.  I did try to make good food choices and not eat until I was too full but, let’s face it, it was dining out every meal for a week, so it’s not like I’m talking about low calories.  I also didn’t have the time or a convenient way to do any formal workout, like going for a run or to a gym.  And yet I came home about a pound or so lighter than when I left, which can only be due to the fact that we walked, walked, walked every day, a good portion of the day.  It boils down to this:  I spent more time on my feet than on my fanny (how’s that for an old-fashioned word?). 

I look back on my life in my twenties and thirties and one of the things that strike me is I used to go out several times a week then (and it wasn’t ALL drinking and carousing!).  I would go to the movies or visiting to someone’s house.  A bunch of us would go bowling sometimes, just for the laughs (we really stunk!).  We’d go out dancing a lot.  Sure, I got formal exercise but I also just moved more, all the time.  Even when S and I met and settled down together, we did lots more, like gardening.  I loved gardening.  I went out into the garden most nights throughout the season to pick a few weeds, deadhead a few flowers or bring in some herbs or veggies for dinner. 

A lot of these activities were just for fun. I had more fun.  Damn, I miss that.  We used to do stuff JUST for the fun of it.  It seems like now, everything has to have some constructive or particular purpose, something that needs to be done.  I miss moving for the joy of moving.  

Anyway, all this introspection leads me to believe that I need to build in more incidental movement into my life and I need to make more of an effort to do a few things just for laughs.  At least once in awhile! 

Other than that, food has been good today but wow, I sure am in a cranky mood tonight.  The old Scorpio sting is just quivering there, ready to sting the next person who speaks to me!  Work was pretty good but I had a rather terse email from a difficult co-worker and when I tried to open a dialogue on it, she shut me down.  I don’t know why I let stuff like that get to me; everyone in the building has a hard time with her.  

Then I got home and S told me all about his day, which was a bit of a long diatribe and full of frustrations and irritations and I just sucked it all in and took on his bad day and all attached crap too.  Well, you know, the good thing is that I can see myself doing it.  Observing it, rather than living inside it, seems to make it easier to let it go. 

And so to bed……..

Re-Programming the internal dialogue

My plan:

1500 calories per day during the week, 1700 on the weekend

Aiming for:

Cardio: minimum 4, maximum 6 per week

Strength: minimum 2, maximum 4 per week

It all sounds so good on paper, doesn’t it?  I can write up the most elegant lists and plans.  I love organizing and clarifying and getting it all down in a nice point form so everyone can understand where we are.

And then there’s life.  Then there’s things like feeling cranky for no reason, noticing how crepey my throat looks and wondering if it will look worse when I lose weight, going to see my mother tonight and knowing that it is often depressing for me and that afterward, I really crave comfort food.  It’s so hard to see her drifting away into dementia and so much of the time now, she is unresponsive.  It’s just this simple: I miss my mother.

But, hell—that’s life and death too and it isn’t going to change for me and eating more and gaining weight DEFINITELY does not make the situation better or easier to bear.  I can find comfort elsewhere.  On my drive home tonight, I will think about how nice it would be to have a hot tub, how the stars will look in the winter sky, how I can put on some relaxing music.  I can look forward to reading my book before I go to sleep because I love reading.  There are OTHER things in life to look forward to, other than eating.

I really think this process will be made easier by my re-programming my thinking.  My brain gets in my way so bloody much.  Maybe I should try using my powers for good instead of evil (shades of Lex Luthor!).  In that endless dialogue that goes on in my head, I am trying to say things like, “I get to go to the gym today” instead of, “I have to go to the gym today.”  Let’s face it, there are a LOT of people in the world that would give anything to be physically, mentally, financially able to go to a nice local gym and workout in a safe and friendly atmosphere.  It’s a privilege.

But it also has to be directed at eating, a LOT.  I have always counted on working out to lose weight and it just doesn’t work anymore.  I could work out until the cows come home and, although I am sure I am reaping benefits in many ways, I don’t lose the fat.  I have to get it clear and firm in my head that the only way for me to get there is to accept (and embrace?  Is it possible?) the fact that I simply cannot eat whatever I want, whenever I want.  If I am going for endless indulgence, it is going to have to be in some other area of my life, not food.

Why Emma Peel?

  I was a little ambivalent about choosing the name of a fictional character or buying into the whole cult of celebrity that seems so prevalent these days but....

All the other names I tried seemed to be taken already!

AND when I was a little girl growing up, Emma Peel was my hero.  I am SO happy I had someone like her to look at and aspire to, a woman who seemed to be so intelligent, so witty and clever, so independent, so athletic and adept, looking incredibly sexy and still oozing class.  And yet she seemed to take none of it too seriously--there was always an ironic glint to her eye and an unselfconsciousness about her.  She wasn't constantly posing, she was up and doing.

So, I am proud to have her to aspire to still (and, for that matter, Dame Diana Rigg too, who shows us all how to age graciously).

I am 51.  It bugs the heck out of me that I have let this thing, this....well, I guess I will have to call it obsession, with my weight dominate my internal landscape so much, for so many years.  I have reached my goal weight three different times on WW, the last time about six years ago.  I can't believe how good it felt.  Mainly, I loved the acres and acres of space it opened up in my brain, space that is normally taken up by feeling crappy about how I look and feel, about what I will wear for camouflage and by then just wanting to not go anywhere, not interact with people at all.  I used to love summer.  For the last few years, I have just dreaded it.

It seems a bit counterintuitive to me but it also seemed to allow me to be a better person. Surely I can be a good person at any weight?  And yet, when I got down to a body size with which I felt comfortable, I stopped thinking about myself so much and starting thinking about other people more.  I stopped worrying about what they thought of me and started wondering about them.  There's no question I was a LOT more sociable, more open, more adventurous (I hear you, Mrs. Peel), more hopeful, even more ironic instead of just plain depressed.

The good thing is, I feel more hopeful right now than I have in at least a few years.  The big change is that I (cross fingers) seem to be coming out of the tunnel called menopause.  The hot flashes that I was experiencing every 45 min. to an hour, that disturbed my sleep to the point that I was starting to feel mildly psychotic, seem to have disappeared and I am sleeping like my old strong-sleeper self.  The roller coaster mood swings have also subsided and I am starting to believe the mantra I murmured to myself throughout, "It's like an optical illusion, keep putting one foot in front of the other and you'll get there."

I've just bought myself a brand new Mac (who knew technology could be so sleek and, dare I say it, even sexy) and finally got around to high speed internet.  I also got one of those lovely little iPod Shuffles--I can't BELIEVE how much music improves my motivation and enthusiasm for a cardio workout.  It's like discovering a new country inside myself.  And the rest of the technology tools make it easier for me to get organized and get on my way--time's a-wasting!

While I am generally an impatient person, I've been down this road enough times to say that I am allowing myself to lose the thirty pounds.  I am hoping that I won't give in to the all-or-nothing way of thinking, the damned perfectionist that natters in the back of my brain all day long.  I am hoping I'll be able to stay focussed but loose, like an athlete in the zone, noticing where I've gone wrong, making an adjustment and then LETTING IT GO and getting my head back in the game.  My plan is weighing and measuring, planning meals, logging calories and getting five to six days of some kind of exercise most weeks.

Hmmmm......imagine that?  I am actually looking forward to the trip!