a few more drops in the bucket and i'll be back down to where i once was before i gained and then i can get start working on the real wt. loss process. i have such a bad headache today...boo hoo but it seems to be easing up a little. i have been sooooo busy and haven't been able to work out an exercise schedule yet but i have committed to completing that task at least before i go to bed tonight!!
i ventured to the goodwill yesterday...one of my most favorite shopping experiences...lol like they say one persons trash is another persons treasure..lol well i sure have found some treasures over the years. there is one store in greensboro that's in the "rich" section and its an awesome gold mine. they have name brand clothes and house hold items. when people come to visit i always get complements on something i have gotten there. i just say ..oh, my latest find from the "boutique" ...lol and some of my and my husbands uppity friends now shop there as well...lol anyway i was there looking for yoga stuff, books, tapes, anything but it was completely cleaned out on that subject. i have seen so many cool things there but it seems i'm not the only one looking for the yoga experience.
well i'm gonna go look in on some friends and get some motivation from them...=) and i hope everyone is having a great weekend!!
well another morning i weighed in at 218.0. i wish it was creeping in the downward motion but i guess its better than jumping up...up...and "way up"
i have been working on gaining control. i have been very easy on myself and eating things i "don't" eat anymore and actually i really don't eat as much of the junk b/c it really doesn't taste like it once did...can you believe that? so thats probably why i'm in a holding pattern right now and not gaining.
i am also trying to deal w/ my back, shoulder, and neck pain. i think i'm out of alignment. i have been this way before but never this bad and since my ruptured disc last june i am also afraid of someone twisting or pushing me in a way that will hurt me worse. along w/ the disc that ruptured i also have 2 buldging discs so its scary for me to lay on a chiropractor's table again. i went and saw the neurosurg. doc that saw me for the rupture when all this started but all he said was...continue to lose weight and "exercise".
so the new thing in my life right now is that i'm easing my way into yoga. it has so many benifits that i'm crazy to not have this in my life as part of becoming healthy and taking good care of myself.
so w/ my age and aches and pains and stuck on a flatline my plan is to try my best to lose but if i don't at least maintain. continue to practice yoga and get back into a regular exercise plan. i need to find peace and control, as well as felxibility (yoga), i need to increase my heart rate and stamina (cardio- the elliptical, turbo jams, and treadmill), and i need to strengthen my muscles and tone (lifting wt.s) so i think if i can incorparate all the exercises that i like i won't become board and unmotivated giving me a better chance of sucess and charging up my metabolism and then experience the positive effect from my body in motion....weight loss.
ok, well it sounds good on paper. i just have to make it happen!
i've weighed myself at least 50 times this morning. when i got up about 10 times...an hour laters 10 more times...passing by the bathroom a few more times and now again another 8 plus times. i have to say i'm a little shocked at what the scale is saying. 221.6 to 218.0...thats a 3.6 loss!!! but heres one of the main factors. i'm ending that TOM and possibly water weight.
the other factor is that i'm kinda doing an intense but fun dvd call "turbo jam - learn and burn" and although it wasn't too crazy i could feel every muscle i used including some i had to blow the dust off of. turno jams brag to be high calorie work outs but come on now!!! 3.6 in a day is shocking.
thanks ashleyb for the great advise! i am going to look into your recommendations for yoga and yes i want that spiritual peace that i hear yoga can bring. i have also started a weight lifting exercise session (i make it sound like hardcore power wt. lifting...lol) for now its light wt. but its going through the motions thats important w/ the extra weight and i'll increase as i need to. as for my son who will be 18 and daughter going on 21..i have been blessed w/ them. what i'm dealing w/ is small beans compared to what other parents out there are dealing w/ and i know theres far worse things that could happen than kids growing up and becoming independant and mom not liking the feeling of the empty nest. i just have to keep reminding myself that!! =) they are very good respectful young adults that work and attend college and are working toward a wonderful future and just having a little fun along the way.
well i'm off to "learn and burn"!!!!!! =) i need to get a little more stricker on my choices of eating though....i have been very easy on myself during this long pitty party i've been having.
When i last reported in i was struggling to be positive and take charge of my emotions and my life!! i had recently visited back home in new york and had a wonderful visit. it just made me so home sick and the years i have been away have helped me to forget what one of the major reasons i moved 650 miles away was. the heart breaker which i am still dealing w/ though is my oldest son who will be 18 at the of this month couldn't adapt down here and moved back w/ his father who never paid a dime of support, who left and never looked back, and didn't show up back in his life for 6 years. my heart was crushed. my son told me that it wasn't me. that he missed his friends and girlfriend and that he had a plan for college in new york. i honestly just heard a 16 year old talking and felling he didn't love me anymore. i felt so much guilt and like i failed him in some way and even put blame on my husband b/c "he" could have been better, more out going, and not asked me to move down here w/ my kids when we decided to get married. needless to say it put a major strain on our marriage and all i was pointing the finger at wasn't true. in the end my son is always w/ his girlfriend of 3 years or his friends from when he was a little guy. also, he has a band and plays in bars and partys (not "partying" playing music) on the weekend. something he couldn't do here in the small town belt of north carolina. i watch his band play while i was in new york for my visit. i finally "got it" what he had been trying to tell me was missing and he couldn't get. i only wish he would have discussed it more and help me to become more comfortable w/ the change i was about to face instead of just one day getting hit w/ court papers from my ex saying to appear in ny for a court date for a custody hearing. i am glad to report since my visit my son (one of some many fruitless visits before) and i have finally talked about the what and whys of what happened and none of it was what my ex was saying it was (me...failing my son) it really wasn't a choice between me and his father. it was a young man trying to be independant and trying achieve his college dream which came true w/ hard work at the university of his first and only choice w/ early acceptance this past january. i knew and know things but i can be hard headed and just don't really process the information sometimes. this is what has lead to my new found want to move back to new york. when my son and i were distance in our relationship it was so hard on me that i can't even express and all the mental beatings i gave myself for what i thought made him leave me, our family here. but when he told me i wanted our family back together. even if it was in new york. my oldest and only daughter has always wanted to move back too but she sticks it out w/ me always no matter what and just knowing that on the outside shes here in nc and inside shes in ny hurts my heart too. she'll be 21 in December and heading to a 4 yr. college and then on to law school and out on her own. i almost lost her 2 Christmases ago. dec. 21, 2004. while she was on her way to work (working extra hours for Christmas money for gifts) a semi truck crossed the yellow line, he pulled back over enough that the cab of the truck clipped her front end which started her into a spin but the trucks huge loaded trailer grabbed her car pulling it under it. it literally drove right over top of her on the drivers side. i was at work. my last day filled w/ christmas spirit and song when the receptionist came to me fast and serious (not her usual personality) she said, theres some man on the phone who wants to speak to arriel's mother, its an emergency. my heart only did 1 huge beat and stopped. i ran to the phone. the voice told me that there was an accident and that my daughter was conscience but i needed to come to her right now. i asked questions and he didn't want to tell me any details but to just come now. i told him i was about 45 mins away. i said she'd be taken to the hospital by the time i'd get there to ask where EMS would be taking her. he said come now she'll be here a semi truck hit her head on and they are going to have to cut her out come now as fast and as safe as you can. i hung up the phone and couldn't remember my husbands number. i pulled it off my little board in my room as asked a co-worker to tell him arriel was in an accident and where it happened and i ran to my car. i couldn't think and here she was in and out and remembered my work number to have that man 2 cars behind to call me. to drove w/ flashers and everyone who saw me coming pulled over out of my way. i prayed the whole way, crying out bagging God to not take my baby girl. when i got close the traffic was backed up and being re-routed. i had to pull over and i ran for about 1/4 of a mile up a little hill the EMS and fire trucks and tons of other vehicles hide the horror i was to see when i finally got there. her car was crushed and the roof just laid over top of the rubble a white sheet covering the interior. i was heaving for a breath to speak and could only get out that's my daughter to a fireman and he grabbed me and pushed me back. he called out her mother is here. i tried to pull away and see..look for my baby. what seems like forever was probably only a few seconds a EMS lady came running over. she said shes coming in and out of conscience and talking. the sheet is over her so we can cut the roof off and get her out. it was then i think i was finally able to take in a breath of air. i said to tell her that i was there and i love her. and i stood there at the side fighting the want to get over there and touch her and talk to her but i knew time was the enemy and 25-30 plus minutes had passed. (the 45 min drive took me about 25 mins by the grace of God) when they pulled the roof off and then the sheet there she was...untouched, unmarked, talking. her foot was pinned under the brake peddle and that was what they were then working w/. i remember thinking she looks too good...hurry there must be internal injuries. the car was a mangled mess all except the tiny cubbie that fit her body perfect. instead of the steering wheel crushing down on her it rolled up. her seat had broken back so she laid flat on the ground. it looked like God held her cupped in his hands, i know he did. her ankle was crushed...2 plates and about 11 screws later in the right leg and a few fractures. the left leg also had some fractures. a lightly busied eye and cheek. a few tiny chipped to the edge of her front teeth and that was it. i'll post a pic of the car over to the side. but this too is where my anixty comes from. i couldn't have stopped what happened that day but i can't help feel like i have to be right w/ her. then next is the drama w/ my ex husband who is an abuser emotionally and physically and a control freak. he is why i moved here and put 650 miles between us. since my son and i are back to where we were it scares my ex i think and he doesn't like it. almost 8 yrs now and hes still wanting to see me in pain. its like if i'm happy hes miserable if i'm having hard times and struggling hes happy. he also loves to remind me how fat i am every chance he gets. last night he called to just tell me that, well not really he called to argue to say things to provoke me to argue w/ him. he and his girlfriend are broken up and he kicked her out so now as always he has no one to take out anything on so what does he do...calls the one who put up w/ it for 16 years (the time i was 13-29, the first time he hit me i was 14) its crazy. he starts off like he wants to discuss our children and college but it always ends up on me filing for divorce and tearing our family apart then it goes to name calling and telling me how fat and disgusting i am...etc. the truth is he was a cheater. w/ my high school best friend and even my 1/2 sister...and i'm sure tons more. the last 4 yrs of our marriage he had a girlfriend. when i found out he said that there was certain things you didn't do in bed w/ your wife out of respect and things you could do w/ a girlfriend b/c you didn't love them. what the heck!!! isn't that a scary twisted thought? well anyway. he called and his tone told me he was looking to emotionally beat me. i listened a little then i said don't call my house again and hung up. he called my house phone about 5 times. i would just answer it then hang it right up not giving him a chance to say anything, me to hear any thing, and he could leave the nasty fat message. then we did the same thing w/ the cell phone. i again didn't allow him the control over me or my answering system. and finally i guess our son walked in on his craziness at there house. he was just a little guy when we divorced and doesn't remember anything like out daughter does so this was a shocker to him. he heard me say things about his dads behavior but not seen it. finally!! proof to my son i didn't lie or embellish his fathers out of control rage. i guess he confronted his father standing a good 5-6 inches over him. he dad said oh what are you being the tough guy...i guess he said no, just trying to be rashnel and mature. from there what ever got said i don't know but later that night i got a call, it was my son saying he loved me. that he now understood why i moved away. and to not answer his fathers calls unless i wanted to. we talked a little more and then said our talk to you laters. not only did my ex remind me why i'm in north carolina my son did too... not only b/c of what we can have here but b/c i am safe here. i can leave my windows open, i can leave my screen door open, i can garden, go shopping, to work, for a walk w/out looking over my shoulder. waiting for the blow to my head or force of a body knocking me to the ground, or coming home to what i've worked hard for being broken or destroyed, or my now husband being put in jail for beating up my ex... hes good at hitting women but when it comes to a man hes a coward and calls the police. its sad but true. that is why i can't move back home. i understand it, my poor daughter understood it and now my son understands it. time helped me forget and i've been so depressed feeling b/c i wanted to go back and be w/ my family friends but i can't, not if i want a peaceful life and i have to think about my little guy. he and his father doesn't deserve all that craziness in their lives.
So now i'm ready to get back on the ball (4 pounds heavier) and get rolling. Thank you ashleyb and mustblite for checking in on me. it truly means a lot. =) to know you care about me.
talk about a work out!! i just wanted to walk and see the picnic shelters. a nice short walk maybe .25 of a mile. well it turned into an all out hike. i did it for my son who ran the whole way. we laughter and talked about dinosaurs and snakes and bears. the whole time inside i was whining to myself about not wanting to do this...and as we moved down the mountain to the water falls i knew going back up was going to kill me. as it was my husband was a great helping hand but couldn't carry me out of there like i was wishing. all in all it was a great walk and my son's smile is worth more than any other riches and it gave me some time to think when my son and husband left me in the dust or ventured off trail so i could rest a little bit. i really wish i knew what the real reason was for my depression. yeah, i miss new york and family and friends but we visit off and talk all the time on the phone. my being in nc gives them a reason to get away from the busy city life. i couldn't have in ny what i have here in nc and my little guy wouldn't be still such an innocent 4 year old if we were in ny. and as far as my almost 18 year old (his birthday is on July 31st.) and my almost 21 year old (her birthday is December 16th.) theres nothing i can do about them growing up and moving on out on their own...=( i'm just sad and feeling sorry for myself. i am proud they are independent and both college students w/ great futures ahead of them. thank God i've never had any problems really w/ them other than growing pains. always respectful of me and even i'm sure not wanted they listened to my advise and direction w/ out protest. i am blessed w/ great kids....so what the heck am i worried about????!!!!!???? i guess the other billions of people and things that could happen to them. and maybe too... i'm just their mom retired to sit out watching instead of always be such an active part. and i guess that's where i'm being selfish i want what i want...my babies to always be my babies...=( i need to get out of this funk!! i have to focus on the big picture... they will always need me and i have to be ready for when they might...which means i need to be healthy and strong... i need to continue to lose weight and change my life...i need to live for as long as i can b/c i have a little 4 year old who needs that physical mom being in his life... and w/ that being said.... i'm gonna suck it up and even if i don't feel like it i'm gonna have to push myself to feeling better until i don't have to push no more and just do it b/c.....b/c my kids need me, b/c my husband needs me, b/c parents need me, and b/c i need to do this for myself so that i can live a long happy life!
i have been MIA here but honestly not only here but also in my every day life. i am filled w/ the old skeleton in the closet... i am emotionall dealing and food is my long time comfort and friend that doesn't judge or tell me to grow up. i have gained 3 pounds in almost 4 weeks. i guess it could be worse. i went home to new york and had a wonderful time. my surface being is smooth and calm w/ sunny blue skies but truth be told deep w/ in in rolling waves of emotion and thunderstorms of discontentment. i am home sick. i miss my older children who are now both in college. dealing w/ these changing tides are alot harder on me than just emotion but also physical... i can't get myself to move!! or to eat right and i'm felling it! i have felt sick and tired. i'm sure my wt. gain isn't huge b/c of the way i haven't been feeling well so even though i have been living on junk its not doing as much damage as it could. i'm forcing myself to go w/ my little guy out for a hike. i know want to but i have to get moving. i think about the goals i have and what i want to achieve and i'm just a slug. i'll write more later...at least this is the first time i am admiting i'm having a problem and it could get out of control w/ my eating.
i'm back from my mini-vaction to new york where "ALL" my most favorite foods can be found.
i am proud to say...yes!! i indulged but didn't pig out!!! when i had enough i stopped and went out w/ family and friends and enjoyed anything and everything and maintained. i love the new me =) i feel healthy and everyone told me they could see the loss in my belly and face. i felt like a "hot mamma"...lol i guess thats b/c i'm slowly turning into one...lol
wow! what a day friday was... thursday and friday were work trining days. thursaday went great but i huge fight broke out among the staff... the doctor was socked just as i was b/c "the practice consultant" was present and any poor behavior or comments is a no-no when she comes to visit. and as always "hygiene" was undaer attack...we get paid too much and everyone elses job is so much harder and its not fair and bla bla bla...always coming down to the hygienist get to leave early and we make so much more. first of all...i/we do our job and alot of everyones else..for me its just being a teamplayer not to shut them up...second i went back to college 4 years out of high school w/ 2 small children, and abusive husband, and a part time job, and full time mom responsibilities in the house hold. so i have a college degree and a license to do what i do. any one in my off could do the same. its their choice to be assistants or receptionist or a front desk helper. i was an assistant. i saw the hygienist leave when her patients were done and her other related duties were complete...i knew she made good money and i went and got that privlige for my self. no one gave it to me i worked for it, good old hard work and i have been a hygienist for 14 years...3 years in the present practice i am at and i have never see such a bunch of back stabing drama queen cry babies. i was shocked when it all broke out... i felt like the office finally was running soothly w/ the past feelings and conflicts resolved about hygiene. i've talked and laughed w/ these woman who were nice to my face but i realize it was through gritted teeth. i am just shocked that they are so upset over what is my job title and benifits. i really just don't know what to think... but i will continue to be myself...they can talk to me or not i can't be sorry for what i've worked for to achieve. the other hygienist whathas been there longer than me is kinda unphased by it she said this is how these women have been since she came and if i'd look in old staff meeting minutes that i'd see the hygienists job and pay (they think we get paid way too much for the easy job we do...i would like to know how they know what i make...someone snooping in the doctors office?) it makes me mad but i know its not worth it! i just feel kinda bad that every day that me and my co-hygienist go to work it is making a crappy day for one of the assistants or front desk girls. and what if a dental office anyway??? a place where people come to have their teeth cared for by the doctor and cleaned by the hygienist... do they come to see the assistant who hands the doc what he needs...does she/he make money for that practice by being there yes but its w/ the doctor not on her own. the front desk is also needed just as well they make the appts. and collect the money and again yes they are needed but they don't make any money alone by what they just do.... the hygienist ...we have our own schd. we see a lot of patients that need basic care all the way into periodontal disease... we take x-rays...educate...we provide direct care and produce $$$ in the practice by our hands whcih inturns benifits the doctors practice and also my non-clinical, and the assistants co-works through their pay, raises, and benifits. just like the doctor we have patients that trust only us..the one w/ phobias that take alot of inner strength to get in our chair and let us care for them and we each have a group that will only see me or the other hygienist. they don't make their appt. to see the front desk...well maybe =) i'm just venting.... these women are just something else...and thats all i'm gonna say... i'm letting it go and i will not let these poor miserable people make me miserable.i love patients and what i do...i am blessed i am in a career that i love.
the only thing i can think of is that the doc. took us out for lunch and i "ate"...actally over ate and felt like such a piggy and uncomfortable that i came home made dinner for the family and got into a project i was working and figured later when i was hungry i'd eat but that time never came...and i never had a third meal yesterday...i was even beating myself up b/c of all the over indulgance i have done at lunch and figured the backlash would carry be back up in weight. not to meantion i felt sick all night...i ate too much of food i can't handle and i pay for it...anyway i am happy!!! i hope everyone else gets on the move too....have a great friday!!!
GRRRRRR!!!!! ....lol i'm suffering from "SSS"... "Still Standing Still" herer @ 220.0 .... i keep telling myself "your maintaining" and i understand its good to be able to do this...but geez... i wanna beake 220 some time this year...lol i have been stressed here lately which i know effects my body very negatively and w/ my back i've been taking it easy w/ exercise but have been staying busy....i've been keeping w/in my WW plan...etc... just feeling a little bummed..lol =) but at least i can smile about it. i have lost and i am wearing smaller uniforms to work that once didn't fit, was too tight to look good, and some would even go "POP" in my patients ears when i blew the jacket snap open. oh well i just wanted to feel a little sorry for myself so instead of going to whine to one of old friends like mr. reese cup i came here ...whine whine whine...lol well i hope everyone is doing great... =)
