03/04/2006 13:25
Goal Changing and Self examination
i just had to comment again!!! i can really see how my life is changing since i started journaling here. when i created my page i entered these things at the titles:
Too young to feel so old!
My weight loss journey from obesity back to health.
i remember i wanted what everyone else was experiencing here w/ weight loss from fast to slow results. my mind frame was so different just a few short weeks ago. i was feeling so old, tired, unattractive, and withdrawn from my life. what i thought i was doing was jounaling and hopefully getting and giving support i needed to receive and give back. but what i didn't expect was the battle w/ in me that ignited but had been raging for years!! i thought i knew me completely and how to get where i needed to go just by making the commitment to eat less and exercise. it was true i knew me enough to know a full out n' out restrictive food diet would only = failure as it had so many times before. it seems when that one day i soul searched and really examined what was eating my inside that made me eat the way i was on the outside was i only able to start to lose weight.
before when i started this journey from 248 i was scared into that w/ my liver having high enzyme levels meaning fatty liver disease and boarder line type II diabetes or what the dr. said "pre-diabetic" which she said we'd check in a year which didn't worry me too much. but my liver w/ fat running through it like an alcoholic disgusted me!! so i lost some weight and my next test were normal and then i blame my parents 2 month visit of knocking me off the wagon. the truth is....i wasn't worried any more. but i did maintain. that was a major success b/c i hadn't watched anything i was eating or exercising.
i now go to the home page here everyday and read the most resent posts. then to my friends pages. sometimes i comment and hopefully and helping but mostly it energizes me. and i walk away w/ something else to think about besides me and my battle. then later i look at me and what am i doing and who i am and what i need.
my goals have changed. i wanted to lose weight and be healthy. but that defined means the body i had as a teen, before i got pregnant at 16 and delivered a 17. and to eat healthy like on fit tv. but honestly that will never happen so i am already beat!! those are unrealistic goals. i am 37 and have been over weight since 17 yrs old when my being over weight started. i have abused my body w/ food for all these years and its never gonna be what i want it to be. i need to work toward being healthy and accepting i will eat healthier and make better food choices but i will always be who i have been for the last 37 years. someone who likes to eat junk. i just have to limit it and learn to live w/ it and be in control of it instead of it controlling me! for i have to get my mind straight on how i'm gonna change and then the rest just seems to follow. for me it is mind over food b/c i have to learn the control of eating b/c i know i can never cut all the junk i love totally out of my life. and that's what i tried to do all my diet life and i'd lose then i'd get to feeling good and go off the diet and bam!! here comes the pounds and i'd watch the scale rise 2, 3, 5..i have to do something...7,10, 15, 20, 10 , 15 more in addition!!! b/c i couldn't gain control.
so what i've been trying to say is typing it out here, reading successes and struggles here have made me really look deep inside and i'm feeling so good that for the first time in my life i do have a chance to be healthy and will not suffer from loss of any foods that i like. i know the battle is forever. i once referred to it as a game i look forward to retiring from but its not that easy. i need to continue to feed myself w/ inspiration and educating myself on how my body works.
i really do hope my struggle will help someone else out there who can't commit to a true "diet plan" that they'll be able to live w/ for the rest of their life and know they are not the only one like i did, and realize that maybe something else is the problem and not just the food and commitment like i thought my problem was when actually it was me and my self control as a whole. I am a Work in Progress!!! and i will never forget about working on me again....=)