02/27/2006 12:19
Bitter Sweet
Well i made it through the weekend and being home sick. i weighed today and its 233.0 even! every little bit counts. my monthly is two days late and that worried me b/c as much as my husband and i would love another one i am much older than when we started. so i took a test and it was a negative. a bitter sweet. if i were i would have worried about my weight and our health. i thought back when i was 33 and pregnant w/ my youngest i was very healthy but time old the story as i had complete placenta previa which might not have been b/c i was over weight but i was tired and i wished i would have exercised before so i could during my pregnancy. i thought about being pregnant at 16 a baby by 17 a second by 19 then a new family at 33 and now 37 .... and for the first time i felt selfish and now i feel guilty i felt that way...i thought i thought i would be almost 60 before the youngest was well on their own...how selfish is that!!! but when the test came up negative i felt even worse, no wonder...=( my love my children and i love being a mom. if you asked me what i'm best at i'd say being a mom. it truly is what i love in my life from birth on into adulthood as my oldest is 20 and in college and my second oldest heading into college this fall...its hard to let them fly but watching them sore is awesome. i hang on tight to my little guy he is so much company for me and keeps me laughing all day long. God has blessed me and i'm sure if it were a positive those selfish feelings would have vanished b/c i know what a miracle and gift having a child is. its in God's hands, i'm getting older and that's a concern but i know God knows best for us, for me and my family. maybe when i lose weight and get stronger and maybe not at all...i'll just have to look forward to grand kids someday then i can spoil them and send them home....he he...=)