Well here i am "again"

 

When i last reported in i was struggling to be positive and take charge of my emotions and my life!!  i had recently visited back home in new york and had a wonderful visit. it just made me so home sick and the years i have been away have helped me to forget what one of the major reasons i moved 650 miles away was. the heart breaker which i am still dealing w/ though is my oldest son who will be 18 at the of this month couldn't adapt down here and moved back w/ his father who never paid a dime of support, who left and never looked back, and didn't show up back in his life for 6 years. my heart was crushed. my son told me that it wasn't me. that he missed his friends and girlfriend and that he had a plan for college in new york. i honestly just heard a 16 year old talking and felling he didn't love me anymore. i felt so much guilt and like i failed him in some way and even put blame on my husband b/c "he" could have been better, more out going, and not asked me to move down here w/ my kids when we decided to get married. needless to say it put a major strain on our marriage and all i was pointing the finger at wasn't true. in the end my son is always w/ his girlfriend of 3 years or his friends from when he was a little guy. also, he has a band and plays in bars and partys (not "partying" playing music) on the weekend. something he couldn't do here in the small town belt of north carolina. i watch his band play while i was in new york for my visit. i finally "got it" what he had been trying to tell me was missing and he couldn't get. i only wish he would have discussed it more and help me to become more comfortable w/ the change i was about to face instead of just one day getting hit w/ court papers from my ex saying to appear in ny for a court date for a custody hearing. i am glad to report since my visit my son (one of some many fruitless visits before) and i have finally talked about the what and whys of what happened and none of it was what my ex was saying it was (me...failing my son) it really wasn't a choice between me and his father. it was a young man trying to be independant and trying achieve his college dream which came true w/ hard work at the university of his first and only choice w/ early acceptance this past january. i knew and know things but i can be hard headed and just don't really process the information sometimes. this is what has lead to my new found want to move back to new york. when my son and i were distance in our relationship it was so hard on me that i can't even express and all the mental beatings i gave myself for what i thought made him leave me, our family here. but when he told me i wanted our family back together. even if it was in new york. my oldest and only daughter has always wanted to move back too but she sticks it out w/ me always no matter what and just knowing that on the outside shes here in nc and inside shes in ny hurts my heart too. she'll be 21 in December and heading to a 4 yr. college and then on to law school and out on her own. i almost lost her 2 Christmases ago. dec. 21, 2004. while she was on her way to work (working extra hours for Christmas money for gifts) a semi truck crossed the yellow line, he pulled back over enough that the cab of the truck clipped her front end which started her into a spin but the trucks huge loaded trailer grabbed her car pulling it under it. it literally drove right over top of her on the drivers side. i was at work. my last day filled w/ christmas spirit and song when the receptionist came to me fast and serious (not her usual personality) she said, theres some man on the phone who wants to speak to arriel's mother, its an emergency. my heart only did 1 huge beat and stopped. i ran to the phone. the voice told me that there was an accident and that my daughter was conscience but i needed to come to her right now. i asked questions and he didn't want to tell me any details but to just come now. i told him i was about 45 mins away. i said she'd be taken to the hospital by the time i'd get there to ask where EMS would be taking her. he said come now she'll be here a semi truck hit her head on and they are going to have to cut her out come now as fast and as safe as you can. i hung up the phone and couldn't remember my husbands number. i pulled it off my little board in my room as asked a co-worker to tell him arriel was in an accident and where it happened and i ran to my car. i couldn't think and here she was in and out and remembered my work number to have that man 2 cars behind to call me.  to drove w/ flashers and everyone who saw me coming pulled over out of my way. i prayed the whole way, crying out bagging God to not take my baby girl. when i got close the traffic was backed up and being re-routed. i had to pull over and i ran for about 1/4 of a mile up a little hill the EMS and fire trucks and tons of other vehicles hide the horror i was to see when i finally got there. her car was crushed and the roof just laid over top of the rubble a white sheet covering the interior. i was heaving for a breath to speak and could only get out that's my daughter to a fireman and he grabbed me and pushed me back. he called out her mother is here. i tried to pull away and see..look for my baby. what seems like forever was probably only a few seconds a EMS lady came running over. she said shes coming in and out of conscience and talking. the sheet is over her so we can cut the roof off and get her out. it was then i think i was finally able to take in a breath of air. i said to tell her that i was there and i love her. and i stood there at the side fighting the want to get over there and touch her and talk to her but i knew time was the enemy and 25-30 plus minutes had passed. (the 45 min drive took me about 25 mins by the grace of God) when they pulled the roof off and then the sheet there she was...untouched, unmarked, talking. her foot was pinned under the brake peddle and that was what they were then working w/. i remember thinking she looks too good...hurry there must be internal injuries. the car was a mangled mess all except the tiny cubbie that fit her body perfect. instead of the steering wheel crushing down on her it rolled up. her seat had broken back so she laid flat on the ground. it looked like God held her cupped in his hands, i know he did. her ankle was crushed...2 plates and about 11 screws later in the right leg and a few fractures. the left leg also had some fractures. a lightly busied eye and cheek. a few tiny chipped to the edge of her front teeth and that was it. i'll post a pic of the car over to the side. but this too is where my anixty comes from. i couldn't have stopped what happened that day but i can't help feel like i have to be right w/ her. then next is the drama w/ my ex husband who is an abuser emotionally and physically and a control freak. he is why i moved here and put 650 miles between us. since my son and i are back to where we were it scares my ex i think and he doesn't like it. almost 8 yrs now and hes still wanting to see me in pain. its like if i'm happy hes miserable if i'm having hard times and struggling hes happy. he also loves to remind me how fat i am every chance he gets. last night he called to just tell me that, well not really he called to argue to say things to provoke me to argue w/ him. he and his girlfriend are broken up and he kicked her out so now as always he has no one to take out anything on so what does he do...calls the one who put up w/ it for 16 years (the time i was 13-29, the first time he hit me i was 14) its crazy. he starts off like he wants to discuss our children and college but it always ends up on me filing for divorce and tearing our family apart then it goes to name calling and telling me how fat and disgusting i am...etc. the truth is he was a cheater. w/ my high school best friend and even my 1/2 sister...and i'm sure tons more. the last 4 yrs of our marriage he had a girlfriend. when i found out he said that there was certain things you didn't do in bed w/ your wife out of respect and things you could do w/ a girlfriend b/c you didn't love them. what the heck!!! isn't that a scary twisted thought? well anyway. he called and his tone told me he was looking to emotionally beat me. i listened a little then i said don't call my house again and hung up. he called my house phone about 5 times. i would just answer it then hang it right up not giving him a chance to say anything, me to hear any thing, and he could leave the nasty fat message. then we did the same thing w/ the cell phone. i again didn't allow him the control over me or my answering system. and finally i guess our son walked in on his craziness at there house. he was just a little guy when we divorced and doesn't remember anything like out daughter does so this was a shocker to him. he heard me say things about his dads behavior but not seen it. finally!! proof to my son i didn't lie or embellish his fathers out of control rage. i guess he confronted his father standing a good 5-6 inches over him. he dad said oh what are you being the tough guy...i guess he said no, just trying to be rashnel and mature. from there what ever got said i don't know but later that night i got a call, it was my son saying he loved me. that he now understood why i moved away. and to not answer his fathers calls unless i wanted to. we talked a little more and then said our talk to you laters. not only did my ex remind me why i'm in north carolina my son did too... not only b/c of what we can have here but b/c i am safe here. i can leave my windows open, i can leave my screen door open, i can garden, go shopping, to work, for a walk w/out looking over my shoulder. waiting for the blow to my head or force of a body knocking me to the ground, or coming home to what i've worked hard for being broken or destroyed, or my now husband being put in jail for beating up my ex... hes good at hitting women but when it comes to a man hes a coward and calls the police. its sad but true. that is why i can't move back home. i understand it, my poor daughter understood it and now my son understands it. time helped me forget and i've been so depressed feeling b/c i wanted to go back and be w/ my family friends but i can't, not if i want a peaceful life and i have to think about my little guy. he and his father doesn't deserve all that craziness in their lives.

 

So now i'm ready to get back on the ball (4 pounds heavier) and get rolling. Thank you ashleyb and mustblite for checking in on me. it truly means a lot. =)  to know you care about me.