well i've gained 1.8 pounds according to the scale this morning. i'm not crushed its just part of my journey. i guess what i'm bummed about is that i haven't lost control but have been really emotional needy w/ food. i want to blame it on the full moon but i'm more sure it was my ex-husband's verbal dumping on monday. i vented to my husband that night and have not spoken about it since. why do i let him shake my tree like that!! we were together (relationship and marriage) for 16 years and have been separated/divorced since 12/97' and this emotional sludge i'm drugging through is BS!! i can't even say for sure the way i'm feeling is all him, maybe it is the moon. b/c honestly i don't love him, care about him, or care about what he thinks of me but it still bothers me that he lives in his own world and the truth is only what he says it is. he remembers only what he wants to or made up and told so much that it becomes truth to him. he doesn't remember, so he says about the physical abuse, he'll admit that once in a while he'd smack me....smack me..hell that was a good day...what about the days i was hit w/ a fist or spit on...yes, how disgusting is that...how disrespectable it that!!! then when we separated i had to hear the question of what "did i do" b/c hes such a wonderful man...b/c i hide the life we lived....leave it to beaver by day....hell house by night. maybe that's why i'm still angry and i hate to admit that! i'm angry b/c "i accept" the responsibility for "letting" him do the things he did to me. but he won't even admit he treated me wrong, bad, terrible, disrespectful!!! he says he was good to me and took care of me. the phrase: "in truth there are only thee things for sure, there is his truth, her truth, and the truth"  i just got to stop this right now right here or hes still controlling my life!! sabotaging my present life changes and my thoughts which only belong to the people w/ me here and now in this life not back there where he ruled every breath i took. sorry for venting. sometimes i have to write it out and by doing so i will truly believe in myself, growth, strength, and my control over my life and then i can let it go. i can't change him or what has happened. i can only change me and leave the past where it belongs...behind me...i leave it here. 

 

i hope every one else is doing much better...=)  see you tomorrow where i'll be back on track!