03/13/2006 19:38
do ex's ever go away!!!!
today was my last day off of my 4 day weekend...=( i was up and moving pretty early, not my usual when i have a day off and my little guy at daycare (my husband dropped him off) but that was ok i had lots planned. it was in the low 80's today, thank God it was windy. i'm not much for heat. so i was out of the house by 8:30 getting my food shopping done and to spring clean!! all was great until later in the day when my ex-husband called. i knew it couldn't be good b/c our kids are 20 and almost 18 and they have cell phones and he never calls the house. so like a dummy i answered.
he said that our daughter wasn't answering his calls but i knew she had been talking on the phone when she left to go pick up her baby brother for me so i could finish up in the living room. then he went on to say things to make me ask if everything was ok. another huge mistake! you see he was and probably still is an abuser. when we were going through our divorce he'd kick in the doors beat me up and some nights i could feel he was out there and i'd get up in the dark and get dressed w/ sneakers and all and sit in the dark and wait. some nights nothing ever happened except noises outside, i learned on his friends on the police force left my 911 calls unanswered so i found a hot line for battered woman. you could call anytime and just talk w/ out giving a name or they would come and pick you and your children up and hide you away and help you get on your feet as well as give advise, support and even legal help if needed. but i would only call and they told me only 3% of abusers change, well i guess my ex's spots will never change they also so that when his life gets bad he'll always say its my fault so true to what they know i'm sure that's why he called b/c life isn't a bowl full of cherries for him right now. of course theres 650 miles between us and my now husband would clean the streets w/ him but he still shakes my insides i can't believe that stress was once my everyday life. i remained calm and cool. he ended up hanging up on me and i called right back wanting to say some really ugly things but why??? so when the voice mail picked up i just said, i was gonna say something but forget it, i hope everything works out for you. and when i hung up i went straight to the kitchen and started going through the cabinets at first i didn't even realize i was doing it but when i did i said out loud, what the heck am i doing????
wow, so that's how it happened. w/out even thinking food went in like a zombie. i wonder what comfort it gave me b/c he was always on me about my weight and i was a whole lot smaller back then, but i am proud of myself that i didn't let him know i was shaking and he made me that way and i am proud that he didn't send me into a food binge. i admit i was cooking one of my fav. dinners, fried pork chops w/ tiny cut potatos and spices and yes, corn. i usually ate 2-3 pork chops and seconds, maybe 3rds. of the potatos and corn w/ about 2 glasses of coke or pepsi. well i had one pork chop, about 1/2- 1/4 a cup of potatos, and a about 1/2-1/4 cup of corn. i used a smaller plate not my big dinner size plate so that helped control my portions sizes and i still am stuffed!! i did have a glass of grape cran juice after. wow, just can't believe i'm as full as i feel and ate just a fraction of what i once did.
i am also proud to announce that my good friend, "beth ann" aka "burning my tires" (big race fan...go figure the blog title...lol) has joined extrapounds to blog!! thank God...=) when my ex hit me w/ a car and i had to have surgery she was a huge help and as i got better i used a cane...and when she helped me up and down stairs i'd joke that this would be us in our 80's and i've often thought about that time looking at us both now and our unhealthy lifestyles and i started to truly wonder if we'd make it to that time. i'm glad shes on this wagon ride w/ me here and now...at least i know for sure if i start tofall off the wagon she'll be there to grab my hand as i will for her...=) as we will for the many friends i have made here and she will too....=)
p.s. i forgot to weigh this morning so i didn't at all b/c i always weigh more in the evening.