So I had my appointment with the surgeon last week. It was quite - I don't know - quite run of the mill I suppose. A nurse took all my meaurements etc and he asked a few questions about my diet history and what I ate. He then told me I was the perfect candidate, ideal age and weight etc for this surgery. He said he thought I would respond well to it. I asked about the long term impact- about whether I would be able to relearn my eating habits so I could do away with the band at some unspecified point of time. Depressingly he said that in his experience if patients removed or even loosened the band even if it was 10 years later they would inevitably put the weight back on. That rather dissapointed me. I asked about seeing a Psychologist to try and work on my eating issues and he said I could but he didn't usually recommend it. I decided I would though at least for an initial appointment to see how I get on. I really don't want to rely totally on a piece of plastic!

 

Anyway I've put a tentative appointment for surgery in the diary for 1st July - I have to go on a VLCD diet for 3 weeks prior to that - it's something to do with reducing your liver size prior to sugery so that they can do it laroscopically (ie. keyhole surgery). I can confirm the date after I've seen their physician to just rule out any other medical conditions - I've had blood tests as well to test for various things. So I have that appointment next week so I'll see after that.

Just thought I’d  post a quick update. I got a comment on my last post which basically said (although very nicely) that  you won’t lose weight unless you want to. I was little miffed when I first read it but mostly because I’ve been saying the same thing to myself for so many years. I’ve been doing a lot of navel gazing about it over the last week or so. So in answer;

 

Do I really want to lose weight?

 

Being totally honest I wish I lived in an ideal world where my weight didn’t matter, where it didn’t affect my health and my mobility and my comfort. I wish I could eat what I wanted and look however without it being an issue. BUT I can’t. At the lowest level it does affect my comfort, from the chafed thighs and sweat rashes in awkward places, to difficulty fitting into airline seats – last time I flew I upgraded to business class just so I could get a little more seat width. More importantly (to me) it is definitely affecting my health now – up until recently I’d always been fairly lucky as I don’t have diabetes or high blood pressure/cholesterol and maybe I used that a bit as an excuse not to do anything. Now with my bad back and hips my mobility is restricted, I’m not sleeping as well as I used to do and I always feel so damned exhausted all the time. I just don’t feel good….The issue that has the lowest impact on me however  (and I know that makes me different from a lot of women) is that I don’t feel my weight holds me back because of what I look like and I don’t feel I have to lose the weight to turn my life around.. I used to be self conscious as a child/teenager certainly when ironically I was only overweight rather than morbidly obese. But my self worth and self confidence now comes from my abilities and my career and my weight has never held me back there (despite my father warning me it would when I was growing up). When I lost weight before on LighterLife it didn’t change anything important in my life – but then why should it?

 

So I’ve come to the conclusion that the answer to Do I really want to lose weight is NO – I just want all the negatives of being overweight to go away!!

 

Ummm – don’t think that’s going to happen do you?. I reckon that’s what goes wrong when I get stressed and really want to eat a part of my brain says “It’s not fair that society is making you lose weight – well up yours society I’m going to eat what the hell I like.” I know that’s stoopid even as it’s going through the brain but I can’t seem to stop it.

 

I have to lose weight for my health and future and yes I do dream of being really slim (55kg) and floating around wearing  lovely clothes and gathering admiring glances but the reality is I would probably be happy at an overweight 75kg if I could maintain it easily. My time and concentration needs to go on my work not my weight.

 

I am hoping to do the band still because it will take away one trigger, the hunger, but the thing that appeals most is the support you get from people as you tackle your weight. It’s something you just don’t get otherwise. I’ll have access to the doctor, to the psychiatrist and to the dietician. These people will be taking my weight and food issues seriously rather than just sending me away and telling me to eat less and then leaving me to it. My long term target would be to resolve my issues so that I could remove the band and maintain a healthy weight. The band isn’t a solution it’s just a tool and I have had to admit to myself that I need all the help I can get..

So I’ve just got back from 6 days in Airlie Beach with my DH and 18 year old niece. I had a lovely time and the weather was perfect – we went out twice on cruises to the fringing reef where I snorkelled with the fishes wearing a very flattering (sarcasm) all in 1 lycra stinger suit.. To be honest although I know they don’t look good  (I have photo’s to prove it) I actually feel more comfortable wearing one probably coz I am covered neck to ankle. I love snorkelling and my weight is not a problem with that but on 1 stop we snorkelled from this pebbled beach. It was pure agony I could not walk on the beach – I guess all that weight pressing on the small surface of my feet (I have quite small feet) meant there was a lot of weight pressing me onto the stones. I had to basically wallow in the shallows coz I could not make it up the beach – it was quite embarrassing actually. Later that evening I found I had split the skin on my toe at the joint due to weight and pressure of trying to walk on the pebbles.

 

DH and I also had a couple of minor run-ins while we away which marred it a little - again weight related. The first was when I asked what he thought about the idea of buying an exercise bike. The thought process behind this is that I am struggling to walk any distance because of my back but I can cycle because you are in a sitting position. In my new job (started 6 months ago) I now drive to work so I no longer even walk the small distance to the station to catch the train and it’s  a desk job so not much exercise there. I belong to a gym and no I don’t go very regularly but it is difficult to fit it in sometimes – I do work full-time plus I am studying for an MBA in the evenings and just fitting in the gym as well is just too exhausting ( and Yes I am a little lazy which is why I am in this mess!!) I have owned an exercise bike before and it didn’t get a lot of use but it was a cheap one that made a real racket, had uneven tension and the saddle hurt my b*m. I know I have to do more exercise even if its’ only 30 mins a day – walking at lunchtime is just not an option at the moment and going to the gym is just not always practical. I figured we have enough space behind our sofa in the living area for a bike which would mean I could watch TV while I sat on the bike so I wouldn’t have to miss those favourite TV shows either. Basically it would take away all my excuses…..DH response was just so negative. Part of me doesn’t blame him – he is right I don’t make as much use of the gym now as I should, I have owned a bike before that didn’t get much use, why would it be different this time. But as I said to him – “Don’t you think I don’t know that, don’t you think I feel as negative as you, don’t you think I want to just turn around and say it won’t work anyway so why don’t I just forget trying…but I know I can’t give up trying because if I can’t control this I will probably end up in a wheelchair, so I have to keep trying although I know every last attempt has failed.” He was like all “No, you can’t give up, but what is going to be different this time?” and I’m like “What do you want a cast iron guarantee that I will use the bike every day – I want to give you that but I can’t in all honesty do that because I don’t have that confidence in myself – I’m looking for you to help me out and boost my confidence and encourage me not deflate and depress me more.”

 

We kind of left it there. I know my DH is worried about me and I know he wants me to lose weight but I can’t seem to make him understand that I need him to believe in me coz I just don’t believe in myself – even if he has to fake it…please just pretend you believe I can do it !!

 

The second run-in was on the last day – he knows (or should know) how bad my back is but I have tried to minimise it for everyone else and as I said at the start we had our 18 year old niece (a nice slim healthy size 10) with us. Anyway we had a couple of hours to kill before the bus arrives to transfer us to the airport – so we wonder into the town to grab a breakfast – it’s not far so it’s something I can manage especially as I know I can then sit down at the café to ease the pressure on my back. After we finish brekkie – we discuss what to do – I say I just want to go back to hotel and read book (there are seats and shade and a bar to grab a drink) but DH wants to go for a walk and he suggest we just walk around the bay and back (30-45 minute walk) and I say no – I don’t want to (meaning I can’t and you should know that but not wanting to say that with my niece there) and he starts on about me needing the exercise and it’s not far and so I take him aside and tell him I don’t appreciate being put under this sort of pressure – he knows that my back won’t even let me walk around the supermarket for 10 minutes especially in the morning and then he sulks because I don’t “want” to go for a walk. As it turns out our niece doesn’t want to walk either because she is suffering from a heat rash (she is v fair skinned) and wants to sit in the shade rather than walk around in the heat. So he wanders off on his own still in a sulk. By the time he gets back an hour later he is back to his old self. These were just 2 minor events not major rows or anything – but they left me feeling a bit low as I am so worried about my back and what it means for my future and I can’t seem to get him to understand that – he sometimes acts like I am making it up. I just don’t know how to talk to him about it – if we discuss my weight it always seems to end up in an argument when what I need is support.

 

I’m thinking the gastric band may be what I need – it’s a really drastic option and I know DH isn’t keen. He thinks I should try WW again first but then he acts like he did on holiday as if he doesn’t believe I can do it ….

I thought about starting a new blog coz I was embarrased to come back here - but hey this is about the fact that I struggle with my weight and diet isn't it??

 

So I'm now upto 107kg (I don't want to even think abut what that is in stones and lbs) and my BMI is 43.7 so I'm morbidly obese in fact more so that I was when I started the VLCD LightLife. My Mum started to mention a Lap Band a couple months ago, a neighbours daughter had it done, and initially I was totally anti the idea...but my back is soooo bad at the moment I can hardly walk around the supermarket without having to lean right forward onto the trolley for support. I was home recently for a funeral and I went shopping with my Mum (who is 65) and I was the one who had to stop and sit down evry 15 minutes to rest my back - I was in agony. I went to the doctor who sent me for X-Rays - the X-Rays show nothng sinister except a bit of degeneration - I have self disagnosed myself with Spinal Stenosis - that's when the spinal degeneration narrws the nerve cavity inside your spine causing the pain , hence the improvement when you lean over or sit down. Weight is back factor because it adds pressure on the spine and narrows the cavity further. If I don't do something I may not be able to get around at all soon.

 

My doctor then suggested lap bands to me and I went away and thought about and went back the next week to ask for a referral. I've been surfing the net finding all the info I can on this subject. I have now booked in for an information session on May 10th and an appointment with a surgeon on May 12th. I'm terrified. The risk of dying is v.low but it's not non existent - am I that desparate that I would put myself into any sort of risk?! Yes....No....Maybe......watch this space

Quick post - just to say I lost 0.5kg this week. V. happy with that especially as I hardly feel like I'm on a diet and my leg is still bad so am not doing much exercise... hope to pick up the exercise this week so fingers crossed I can lose a bit more next week. I will try and upload my meal menue or at least my food list to show people exactly what I'm eating.

 

I lost 600g this week - which I'm actually very pleased about (it' exactly what my mathematical forecast suggested but I think that was a fluke!!). On my scales at home my weight didn't appear to be moving muc this week so I was really surprised to make that. So 2 weeks down eating real food - I think it's great. Today I had a Nut & Grain bar with vanilla no fat yoghurt for breakfast. I had a ham and cheese toastie with cheese crisps and a banana for lunch followed by a chicken parma with potatoes carrots & salad followed by a yohurt  and an apple. If I can eat that and lose weight I don't even feel like I'm on a diet....

So I'm really enjoying this diet - the food is nice...it's not cordon bleu, I've had better tasting food...but it's real food and I'm enjoying the ability to eat. It seems like alot of food and yet I'm also hungry too which is a good thing right. If you feel full well chances are that is because you are eating enough food to maintian your weight right?

 

I just hope the weight loss continues though. I've been weighing myself every day which I know you shouldn't but I can't help myself - anway the scales showed a 0.8lb increase yesterday morning - what's that about? Good news my leg felt alot better today (I damaged the ligaments in my right leg about 3 weeks ago and I've been barely able to hobble to the station.) So went to the gym and did 30 mins on the bike and a few weights. Hopefully I'll have better news on the scales tomorrow

Had my weigh in and had lost 1.2kg (2.5lbs) in the 1st week. Very pleased with that as I had moved from a 500 calories  a day diet to a 1200 calories a day diet so common thought would be that I would put on weight....but it seems its really true you do need to eat enough. Funny  I'm also getting hungry more now that I'm eating more! Weird how your body works. I'm going to continue updating my weight log based on my home weigh-ins which are in stone in lbs because I understand that better and that is what I have to manage on an on-going basis. Just enjoyed my chicken puffs (crisps) and pumpkin and fetta Fritata. Not saying it's cordon bleu cooking but its nice enough with out being moorish which is probably a good thing....mind you the JC caramel popcorn is lovely I will have to ration myself to once a week for that or I might get addicted,

 

...well Jenny Craig actually! I didn't fall of the wagon as such but I had a rethink. I got to week 3 of the shakes and the stomach problems set in - bad wind is just one side effect but I was feeling sick and missing food so much I started to look around at alternatives. I know myself - I need that control taken away from me with WW and SW I just couldn't keep control it with all that counting and checking....I know it's no excuse it's just the way it is. Jenny Craig is a full meal plan - you buy all your food fromt hem for the week in the form of frozen meals and snacks - supposedly all carefully worked out nutrionally. I's discarded the idea at first because as a fussy eater I wasn't sure I'd like the food...but desparation leads to all sorts of adventures. I went to the consultation and signed up there and then.

 

The mathematics bit comes in because my hubby doesn't believe I can lose weight eating 1200 calories a day when I struggled eating 500 calories a day and to be honest when I saw how much food I would be eating and what  -(caramel popcorn anyone??) I doubted it too. So i did some research. There are a number of formulae out there that calculate what calories you should be eating to mainatin your weight based on height current weight and exercise level. I calculated that I should be eating between 2020 and 2300 depending on how much exercise I do...closer to 2020 at the moment as I have a very bad leg and can hardly hobble from the station to my office.

 

Anyway the advice is that for every 500 cals a day you eat less than this amount you should lose 0.5k or 1lb. Well I know that I don't lose weight as quickly as some women - when I was on the LL diet eating 500 calories a day I lost a steady average of 2.5lbs or 1 kilo a weekand I was eating 1500 less a caolories a day than the formulae suggested. Anyway cutting the long story short I worked out based on my metabolisim if I eat 1200 calories a day and don't cheat I should lose 0.6kilos or 1.2 lbs a week which I would be more than happy with. To be honest I don't know why I've never looked at in this way before - I am a very numbers orientated person I have spreadsheets for everything - I can understand this sort of forecasting

 

Anway 1st weigh in tomorrow so we'll see what the official scales so but I feel unbelievably positive about this at the moment

Did ok at the beginning of the week - but slipped on Weds. I went to a committee meeting where we always have pizza and I told myself I wouldn't have any.....but it sat there in frint of me and I cinvinced myself 1 slice would be ok and I would eat it instead of my shake. Which I did and it was very nice and would certainly not have have put my calories much above 800 for the day so still within a weight loss region. However the next day I had a lunch meeting and there were sandwiches and agin I told myself I would resist but no-one was eating them and they just sat there so I had one...just one. Again I told myself I would skip my last shake but by the time I got home I was feeling shakey and light headed and decided I needed to have the shake and ended up having two. Again I told myself that would keep me below 1000 calories so that would be ok wouldn't it? The next day.....I was feeling ok and stuck to diet but I bought some additonal snack bars as I thought when I got the cravings they might help but what did I end up doing....eating 6 of them all in one go..... why????

 

Oh well - I'm being adult about 6 snack bars is hardly a diet breaker and today I have stuck to my shakes and am going strong so that's ok. Anyway I think the 560 calories is probably too loe for me anyway so if I occasionally add a little extra it should be ok as long as I get back on track. Well we'll see what affect it has on my weight loss this week

 

E