Elsa's Lighterlife

Slow Progress

Sunday, October 31, 2010 22:04:05

Been a couple of months and I haven't updated for a while. At my weigh-in in October I had lost another 0.7kg - (it's coming off in trickles) but I had definately felt tthe restriction. The reason I didn't lose more was I still ate crisps sometimes for lunch and I was having dessert every night (mostly low-cal diet mousse but occassionaly a full fat version) and I was drinking alcohol at the weekends. On top of which I didn't get to the gym at all. Umm - not good behaviours are they?? But on the plus side, as they say, I did eat and cheat less, I felt good about what I ate over 70% of the time, and I didn't feel like I was on a diet and being punished. I felt good overall. I decided the following month I would put more effort into exercising and try and curb the snacking a bit. - Unfortunately the first thing I did that first weekend was break my little toe........

Well as I could hardly walk out went the majority of my planned exercise including the golf which i had at least been doing. Ho hum - I did however cut back on the wine at weekends. (We've just moved to a new house and we are getting to know the neighbours which has resulted in additional socialising hence the increased alcohol intake.) I did cut back on the cheating - a bit - I fell off the wagon on a couple of occassions but less than the previous month.

Anyway the upshot of it was at my weigh-in earlier this week I'd lost another 0.5kg (in a month!) Right I thought I've got to take this in hand - it's good that at least it is going down but at this rate I'll be drawing my pension befre I get to a healthy weight. So I got another small top-up just 0.3mls. I was a little nervous about that because I did have restriction which had reduced my portion size so i didn't want to end up in a situaion where I couldn't eat at all, but I was getting hungry quite quickly. Supposedly when you get the retriction right your hunger basically goes away. So i thought I'd chance it - well so far I haven't seen a difference. Portion size has not reduced further and I'm still getting hungry....hmm Have to think about topping up again next month.

Anyway what I have done right is join a gym (currently on a free 7 day pass) and I've been twice this week. Plus the toe is alot better so I can play golf again at the weekend. I've also cut back on desserts. I'm not having them every night now - just a couple a week. So I'm determined to lose more this month - not looking for huge losses, 2kg a month would be fine by me.

For example it's 3.30pm and am currently feeling really hungry - did have a banana and 2 crispbreads for lunch which should be enough for a bandit. Currently it isn't. Just off to have a hot choc to keep me going (low fat of course)

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and I'm off....

Wednesday, December 8, 2010 22:07:03

Just a quick update coz I went for my 4th checkup and weigh in and I had lost just over 0.5kg (just over a 1lb) - ok that's not a huge loss in 2 weeks but I did that without dieting - without feeling hard done by or as if I was missing out. I even went to a conference dinner at the Crown - and ate until I was full. The point was I was full after the entree and about 1/4 of my main meal. I couldn't eat anymore so I left it. I had a little taster of the dessert but that was all I wanted. Funnily enough there was this other really slim lady at my table and I eyed up her plate and she ate about the same amount I did - so that's the secret!!!

I Haven't lost a huge amount yet about 11lbs from my original weight but it's enough that I'm starting to feel the benefit - my back is definatly less painful and I can walk further and even my kneww and hip are more mobile. So my exercise level is also starting to improve gradually. I just want to feel like the 40 year old I am and not as if I am 70 - having to sit down every 10 minutes.

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3rd time lucky

Wednesday, December 8, 2010 22:01:00

Well I had my third fill last week - my weight had stayed the same again. On it's own that is an achievement as I'm not "dieting", I'm not counting calories or eating packaged foods or drinking meal replacement shakes - I'm just listening to my body and eating good food. It's such a relief on it's own that I can do that - having been on (or more to the point breaking) some diet or other all my life - well from the age of about 10 anyway. I have carried this constant feeling of guilt and obsession with food with me for 30+ years - it had worn me down to the point I didn't know how to act around food anymore. I'm not saying I've beat the demons but the load has definately lightened - I still get the urge to "treat" myself but I'm finding coz I can't eat as much I'm weighing up eating that choclate bar or having the nice seafood salad as I know I wouldn't be able to manage both - and mostly the seafood salad is winning.

Having said that I haven't yet started the weight loss part of my journey but fingers crossed the 3rd fill may ahve helped. I can actually feel the restriction now as I eat. I can feel the food pass through the band and I can't eat very quickly - I have to pause between mouthfuls to let the food pass through - if I try to eat too fast I get indigestion. I think partly because I have to eat slower and partly coz I hate cold "hot" food - nothing worse than congealed gravy - I'm definately eating smaller portions. Bread has become very difficult to process - I can only eay a very small portion (i'm talking 1/2 a slice maximum) and it fills me up very quickly. So I'm feeling positive that the sacles will show a decreases when I go back for my checkup next week. I'm not expecting anything dramatic yet coz I'm still getting hungry between meals and I'm having to eat small snacks like yoghurt and fruit to keep the cravings for "bad" awayand I know when the band is at it's optimum setting it should stop me feeling hungry between meals. So I'm intending to have another small fill next week as well and hopefully I might be there. Woohoo

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My 2nd Fill

Thursday, December 9, 2010 00:06:02

Well I had my 2nd fill last week. They weigh you every time you go in and this time I hadn't gained any weight - I'd actually lost (ok only 0.1kg but it wasn't a gain). I'm not unhappy with that - ok I'm not jumping up and down with delight but I'm not getting the restriction they talk about (they being the doctors, the dieticians and others on the lapband fourm on which I post). I spoke to the doctor about my disappointment that I was still getting hungry and my portion size wasn't reduced by much - a little - but not much. She reassured me that for many women in can take between 5 and 6mls of saline solution in the a 10ml band before they hit the sweet spot. The sweet spot is the terminology of exactly the right amount of fill that presses on the receptors at the top of you stomach which tell your brain that you are full. That is the main task of the band the restriction on what you can and can't eat is actually the side effect not the main objective - because as anyone who is banded can tell you no matter how tight your band chocolate and alcohol still slip through with ease!!!

So anyway back to my 2nd fill - I has at that time 4mls in my band and when the doctor asked how much I wanted I asked what the maximum was she would put in. She agreed to to 0.7mls (she said she'd not normally put in more than 0.5mls at any fill but I convinced her I needed more. The glass of water she gave me afterwards went down no problem and I didn't feel any differently at all. Anyway i stuck to a liquid diet for the rest of day as recommended so didn't get to try the band until the weekend. I was dissappointed again. The restriction was slighlty tighter and it did reduce my portion sizes a bit at any one sitting but I noticed I was getting hungrier quicker. So an hour after eating I was feeling hungry again so I've started doing something that actually was not a big problem before I've started snacking between meals.!!!! Hmmm not sure that's supposed to happen.

I go back again this Friday for my 3rd fill so fingers crossed I get to the Sweet Spot this time - Oh to get rid of the hunger.......

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My first fill

Wednesday, December 8, 2010 00:09:04

Well I've had my first fill and I had built up my expectations for this - as I said in my last post I haven't really felt any restriction after the operation itself and I could eat whatever and however much I wanted mostly (maybe a slight reduction). So i wasn't surprised to see I had put on 2kg since the operation (I lost 5 kg before the operation so I'm still down over all).

I told the surgeon all this but he still only put 2mls in my band he said I had 2mls already. I gather from talking to othres seeing the same surgeon this is his standard procedure - you'd think as I couldn't feel anything he might have put a bit more in?

Anyway the process was pretty quick and uneventful - I jumped onto the bed pulled up my top and pushed down the wasitband of my trousers - in went a giant needle (I turned my head) I felt it but no worse that giving blood and then I felt a gurgle as the saline went in and it was done.....and I didn't feel any different. Not sure what I expected I sudden feeling restriction - I feeling of being bloated maybe?? Anyway I stuck to liquids through that first day on the surgeons recommendation so couldn't try out the band til Saturday. Had my 2 weetabix for breakfast - no problem at all. Got hungry by lunch time and had a chicken pie in local cafe - could only eat half of the filling (left the pastry lid) and about 6 chips as I could feel the food starting to back up. I didn't feel full though just that I knew it needed time to go down. Had a chicken kiev with pasta and salad for tea and ate about 3/4 of the chicken and half the pasta and salad and I could feel the same feeling again. It is wierd. I can actually feel the food waiting to go down.

The next day I had a chicken wrap for my tea and that hurt a bit - not like really painful but as I ate my third bite I could feel it going through the band and it made me go .. oh! I did have to rest about 1/4 of the way and then 1/2 way through to allow the food to make its way through but I did finish it as I was hungry.

So anyway there is some restriction there and it seems to be reducing my portion size but not yet down to the half cup size they recommend and I do feel hungry so I will need more fill. My next appointment is in 3 weeks (well almost 2 weeks now) so I'll see if I can lose a little during that time.

Watch this space

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4 weeks post op

Monday, December 6, 2010 22:05:04

Umm - just a quick update I'm into my 4th week post op now and I'm allowed to reintroduce almost all foods back into my diet. Disappointingly I can eat almost anything and at almost the same quantities as before. I'm doing my best to watch what i eat and control portion size but as I am getting hungry that is difficult. Apparently this isn't unusual post-op prior to the 1st fill as the band is empty at the moment so not really doing its job while my stomach heals.

My 1st fill is on 4th August. We'll see them what difference it makes.

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Diary of a New Bandit

Monday, December 6, 2010 23:01:03

Ok – time for an update I think. So I had the operation on Friday 1st July I am now officially a “Bandit”.

So anyway followed the shake diet for 4 weeks and for the first week was 100%, second week I started to weaken a bit – nothing too serious _ I had some prawns one day for example. The third and fourth week were a struggle and I admit I did end up in KFC eating 2 pieces of chicken. Jeez what am I like?

Anyway I still managed to lose 12lbs over the 4weeks so I didn’t do too badly. Well Friday morning came along and I was nervous….I have never had an operation, I have never been into hospital, the closest was sitting in the emergency waiting room with a friend who had broken a toe. Now I was voluntarily submitting to surgery which would include anaesthetic ….. what if it went wrong. I actually went as far as writing a letter to my husband just in case… but in the end I didn’t print it off.

Anyway was told to turn up at the hospital at 7am so I thought I must have an early surgery – waved goodbye to hubby and promised to let him know as soon as it was over. Then was shown to a waiting room where I waited – and waited – and waited. Good job I brought my book.

Anyway at 11.30 I was shown to the day procedure ward as my overnight room wasn’t ready. I was asked to strip and put on the nice backless gown – they didn’t bring any paper knickers so I asked if I could wear my own and nurse said yes. They also brought some nice pressure socks for me to wear. But the nurse came back and decided they were too long and gave me a smaller pair to wear. Just before I was wheeled to surgery they suggested I had one last pee so I scooted across the ward in my backless gown and back. Which is when another nurse noticed I was still wearing my own knickers and went off to find a paper pair. Anyway before she came back the anaesthetist turned up and wanted me wheeled down to the theatre. Along the way the paper knickers turned up. What a palaver I had to jump off the trolley hide in a corner of the theatre and change my knickers they then gave me this huge industrial sized plastic disposal bag to put my knickers in – they weren’t that bad!!! Any way laying down on the trolley again the anaesthetist saw my pressure socks and started exclaiming loudly that they were much too small and insisted I took them off. While she had her back turned another nurse came along and wanted me to put them back on. I was starting to get the giggles by now – it was all so silly with the knickers and the socks.

All that over with (still no socks at the anaesthetists insistence) it was time for her to get a line into my arm. She jabbed at my left arm a few times (rather roughly I have to say). Then tried the right arm exclaiming she couldn’t find a vein. I explained I regularly had this problem (I’ve got small deep set veins it seems) and the last time I gave blood samples they were taken out of my hand instead. So she tried that with more success. So I ended up having the line put in my hand. I must admit I wondered briefly if that would cause any problems I say briefly coz the next thing I know I am being wheeled into a room feeling quite sore. That knock out stuff is good.

I was in and out of it for a bit all I know is the nurse turned up every 30 mins to take my blood pressure, but the next main thing I remember is my hubby turning up at my bedside he said it was 4pm and that he’d got a call from the hospital at about 1pm to say they had finished so it must have been pretty quick. We talked briefly but I kept dropping off so he didn’t stay long. I tired to watch some TV (I had had to pay $25 to have access to Foxtel) but I just kept falling asleep. So I gave up and had a nap. They woke me up at about 10pm and gave me some apple juice went down very nicely as I hadn’t drunk anything since about 10pm the night before. I then tried to send my hubby a text message. I must have been still a bit doped up coz he showed me the message the next day and I couldn’t make head or tail of it either!! Anyway I was in a little private room with it’s own ensuite and I was able enough to get out of bed (carefully) to get to the loo a couple of times. I felt a bit woozy and couldn’t stand too long and my tummy hurt when I moved but was ok when I was laying down. So I got through the night fairly comfortably.

In the morning the nurse suggested I have a shower and then I would be taken for my barium swallow test. I had to wait ages to be taken for the test but I was asked to swallow some thick liquid while some x-rays were taken to show where the band was and the ease of my ability to swallow liquids. I didn’t have any problems. The nurse then told me as soon as I had received my prescription I could go. So I called hubby to pick me up. Anyway 2 hours later…….how long does it take to make up a prescription….it finally arrived and I could leave it was about 12.30pm by this time.

The first few days I ached and had horrible heartburn. I stuck to liquid, milk and apple juice mainly but by day 3 the heartburn was easing up and I was starting to get hungry which surprised me as the forums were full of people who said they completely lost their appetite for the 1st week. I had to stick to liquid for the 1st week to give it time to mend so I started having a few shakes and chocolate milk but it wasn’t really satisfying me. So as soon as the 7 days were up I had 2 weet-bix mushed up with milk. It was heaven. . It went down very easily even though it briefly gave me heartburn again. I may have tried to push things too far on Saturday though as we went out for a meal I decided to have the lasagne. I ate about half the portion and thought I was ok but then the heartburn started again and my shoulders really started to ache. That lasted about 3 hours. The next morning I couldn’t face my weet-bix so I didn’t eat til lunchtime, when I had shared a Vanilla slice with hubby.

I know, I know not exactly healthy eating but I insisted that if I had this op I would not be “on a diet” anymore. I had spent too many years feeling I was being deprived and I have to change my mindset. That is what I am doing. We went out to St Kilda which is famous for it’s cakes, with our nephew and his girlfriend who are visting, and the other three stopped for a cake. If I had not allowed myself any cake I would have been back to square one, I would have felt resentful and felt I was being punished and then gone out when I was alone and bought 2 or 3 cakes and scoffed the lot! So instead hubby and I agreed to share a cake and it was nice and I enjoyed it. That evening I had a ham and mushroom omelette and felt satiated and happy without any pains or heartburn. I got a bit peckish about 9pm so I had a fat free chocolate pudding. I had a nice day eating food I enjoyed, I felt satisfied and I don’t think it was too bad a day nutrition-wise. It actually summed up exactly what I want from this band.

I have an appointment with the surgeon again in early August when I will have some fill in the band that will reduce my hunger further and reduce the quantities I can eat. I’m feeling quite positive right now that this may actually work..WATCH THIS SPACE.

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Day 3 of Pre-op diet

Monday, December 6, 2010 00:06:11

So as planned I started the optifast (VLCD) diet on Saturday. It is as hard as I remembered. We went out on Friday night for my last meal....sort of. We went to The Press Club in Melbourne which is a top rated greek restaurant and had the degustation menu. Have to say it was excellent meal and I didn't feel I made a complete pig of myself. Anyway the doctor asked me to follow the VLCD diet for 3 weeks prior to surgery to reduce my liver size but I've decided to follow it for 4 weeks to really give my weight loss a boost. Saturday was day 1 and we went out shopping in the morning which kept me away from the ktichen for half the day and I didn't feel too bad. Sunday was not so good but we were playing golf in the morning so I didn't get home til 3pm, I was absolutely starving but at least no cheating. Today I was off work as I had to meet the blind woman (blind as in window furnishings not eyes) and then had my hair cut so I managed to stay out of the kitchen again today - it's now evening I've eaten/drunk all my meals and yes I am hungry....but not starving...so there is an improvement. Hopefully it will get easier from here on in. It did last time

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A Picture of Health

Saturday, December 4, 2010 22:02:14

Well I had my appointment with the physician on Friday to check my overall health. My BP was 125/80 - which was great. I had no kidney or liver issues, no sign of diabetes, the only slight issues were a cholesterol level that was at the top end of the normal range and iron levels at the low end of the normal range. The doctor said neither were major issues. She asked alot of questions about my sleep patterns and I think she was dissappointed that I didn't snore or have any sleep issues (she is a sleep disorder expert). She also asked whether I had had any other operations or major illnesses, which I haven't. She then laughed and said I was a picture of health....... It's just the joints that are giving out for me - the pain in my back now goes into my hips if I stand for too long. It really worries me that if I don't do something fast I will permanently damage something,

Anyway she said she would have no hesitation for recommending me for the lap band so it looks like it is all set.

In response to some of the comments I have been getting - yes I know this a drastic move, I am not kidding myself or recommending this as a get slim quick strategy. I have tried for 30 years to achieve weight loss in the traditional fashion. I now believe I am running out of time to achieve the results I need to function properly. I have investigated this in alot of detail and discussed with my family who are supportive of this option for me which is very telling. You have had your say please except that your opinon is not only the opinion. I am writing this blog on here as a true and honest representation of this process so please continue to read andyou never know maybe you will be proved right in the end!!!

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Visit to the Psychologist

Saturday, December 4, 2010 23:09:06

I had my appointment with the psychologist this morning and I wasn’t quite sure what to expect. Would I have to lie on a couch and discuss my childhood? Would it be a load of gobbledegook, would the psychologist be a trippy hippy talking about abstracts and nonsense? All these thoughts went through my head but I actually quite enjoyed it – a chance to talk about me and my weight/food problems with someone who wasn’t judging me (and as much as I love my Mum and husband they do judge). We talked around a lot of things I explained how my Mum out of love, ingrained in me at an early age that being overweight was bad and should be punished. I don’t mean she locked me in my room or beat me with broom handles but I went on my first diet with my Mum at 9 years old and from as far back as I can remember she was always telling me I would have to be careful as we had fat genes in our family – so I wasn’t allowed to eat the same things as my brother, I got presents at Easter instead of chocolate, I wasn’t allowed dessert or pancakes on Shrove Tuesday. I always felt life wasn’t fair. My Mum was very self conscious about her own weight but you know the really stupid thing is that she was never really overweight. She has big legs and bum but she has never been over a dress size 16 (UK size) and a size 14 on top. She is not and has never been obese. Looking back at pictures, neither was I as a child, chubby yes but obese no. I didn’t really fall in the obese category until I left home and went off to Uni and too much socialising and takeaways took a toll. Plus I could eat whatever I wanted whenever I wanted and no-one could stop me now……

We talked over whether my weight made me feel I was “not good enough” and I said I couldn’t quite relate to that and when we explored it, it came out that I saw my weight as “failure”. That I measure my life in terms of success and failure. I have a good job, a lovely (most of the time) husband, a good quality of life here in Oz – all of these are big ticks, the successes in my life. The weight has been my constant failure and the diets are the punishments I apply to myself because of that failure (an extension of the punishments my parents applied to me as a child). This is the mind set I have to try and change – but you know the ironic thing when my old job wasn’t working out last year (ie. it became the failure in my life that eclipsed the weight) I punished my self with food – I ate and ate til I felt sick almost every night and I couldn’t seem to stop myself.

The most interesting part of our conversation was about the conscious mind and the level of control it can really have over your actions. The psychologist described it like an iceberg – your conscious mind is just the tip, the bit you can hear and are aware of. Your sub-conscious mind is the mass below the surface that you aren’t even aware of but can bring you down – attached to that is your body and it’s physiological needs which talk directly to your sub-conscious. We vain, self important human beings think we can control all of this with the tip of the iceberg – we tell ourselves we will cut back on what we eat and exercise more and punish ourselves when it doesn’t happen. It’s kind of how I feel – my mind knows what I should be doing, it knows there is no reason why I can’t but sometime it feels my body is acting on it’s own accord, I walk in to a supermarket or a petrol station saying “just buy what you need” and walk out with a jumbo bar of chocolate clutched in my sweaty hands without any real recall of how it happened!

The trick I’m told is learning that sometimes our body will take control – ie in times of high stress our physiological needs will take priority. You just have to recognise that and learn to recover from it – unfortunately what happens with people with weight issues is that when we give into a physiological need we then deem ourselves as “not good enough” or “a failure” and fall straight back into our crooked learned and social patterns, ie. we compound the issue. I’ve fallen off the wagon so I might as well go the whole hog sort of attitude – I certainly recognise that in myself.

When I lost all that weight on the VLCD diet I swore I would control my weight gain but what happened was when I moved to Oz, alone for 9 months. I was in a new country without friends and family. It was exciting but it was also stressful and food and socialising became an important part of my life and some weight crept back on about 2 stone (28lbs) – and something in my mind went – “oh well you are fat again now so you might as well give up – see told you couldn’t do it – you are such a failure – don’t know why you bother – just accept you and always will be a fat girl”

So instead of accepting that at that stage of my life I was going through some stresses that caused my weight to fluctuate as a physiological response and once that stage was over I could return to a status quo – I punished myself further instead and continued to binge and eat even when the stresses were removed.

Well I think that’s enough naval gazing for today – I haven’t decided whether I’ll go back but I might once I have the band – because I am determined to use the time I have with the band to relearn some of my thinking patterns – I think of the band as my little enforcer as it will make it very difficult for me to binge eat – hopefully I will learn how to cope with the urges to eat in other ways.

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