Just thought I’d  post a quick update. I got a comment on my last post which basically said (although very nicely) that  you won’t lose weight unless you want to. I was little miffed when I first read it but mostly because I’ve been saying the same thing to myself for so many years. I’ve been doing a lot of navel gazing about it over the last week or so. So in answer;

Do I really want to lose weight?

Being totally honest I wish I lived in an ideal world where my weight didn’t matter, where it didn’t affect my health and my mobility and my comfort. I wish I could eat what I wanted and look however without it being an issue. BUT I can’t. At the lowest level it does affect my comfort, from the chafed thighs and sweat rashes in awkward places, to difficulty fitting into airline seats – last time I flew I upgraded to business class just so I could get a little more seat width. More importantly (to me) it is definitely affecting my health now – up until recently I’d always been fairly lucky as I don’t have diabetes or high blood pressure/cholesterol and maybe I used that a bit as an excuse not to do anything. Now with my bad back and hips my mobility is restricted, I’m not sleeping as well as I used to do and I always feel so damned exhausted all the time. I just don’t feel good….The issue that has the lowest impact on me however  (and I know that makes me different from a lot of women) is that I don’t feel my weight holds me back because of what I look like and I don’t feel I have to lose the weight to turn my life around.. I used to be self conscious as a child/teenager certainly when ironically I was only overweight rather than morbidly obese. But my self worth and self confidence now comes from my abilities and my career and my weight has never held me back there (despite my father warning me it would when I was growing up). When I lost weight before on LighterLife it didn’t change anything important in my life – but then why should it?

So I’ve come to the conclusion that the answer to Do I really want to lose weight is NO – I just want all the negatives of being overweight to go away!!

Ummm – don’t think that’s going to happen do you?. I reckon that’s what goes wrong when I get stressed and really want to eat a part of my brain says “It’s not fair that society is making you lose weight – well up yours society I’m going to eat what the hell I like.” I know that’s stoopid even as it’s going through the brain but I can’t seem to stop it.

I have to lose weight for my health and future and yes I do dream of being really slim (55kg) and floating around wearing  lovely clothes and gathering admiring glances but the reality is I would probably be happy at an overweight 75kg if I could maintain it easily. My time and concentration needs to go on my work not my weight.

I am hoping to do the band still because it will take away one trigger, the hunger, but the thing that appeals most is the support you get from people as you tackle your weight. It’s something you just don’t get otherwise. I’ll have access to the doctor, to the psychiatrist and to the dietician. These people will be taking my weight and food issues seriously rather than just sending me away and telling me to eat less and then leaving me to it. My long term target would be to resolve my issues so that I could remove the band and maintain a healthy weight. The band isn’t a solution it’s just a tool and I have had to admit to myself that I need all the help I can get..