So I’ve just got back from 6 days in Airlie Beach with my DH and 18 year old niece. I had a lovely time and the weather was perfect – we went out twice on cruises to the fringing reef where I snorkelled with the fishes wearing a very flattering (sarcasm) all in 1 lycra stinger suit.. To be honest although I know they don’t look good  (I have photo’s to prove it) I actually feel more comfortable wearing one probably coz I am covered neck to ankle. I love snorkelling and my weight is not a problem with that but on 1 stop we snorkelled from this pebbled beach. It was pure agony I could not walk on the beach – I guess all that weight pressing on the small surface of my feet (I have quite small feet) meant there was a lot of weight pressing me onto the stones. I had to basically wallow in the shallows coz I could not make it up the beach – it was quite embarrassing actually. Later that evening I found I had split the skin on my toe at the joint due to weight and pressure of trying to walk on the pebbles.

DH and I also had a couple of minor run-ins while we away which marred it a little - again weight related. The first was when I asked what he thought about the idea of buying an exercise bike. The thought process behind this is that I am struggling to walk any distance because of my back but I can cycle because you are in a sitting position. In my new job (started 6 months ago) I now drive to work so I no longer even walk the small distance to the station to catch the train and it’s  a desk job so not much exercise there. I belong to a gym and no I don’t go very regularly but it is difficult to fit it in sometimes – I do work full-time plus I am studying for an MBA in the evenings and just fitting in the gym as well is just too exhausting ( and Yes I am a little lazy which is why I am in this mess!!) I have owned an exercise bike before and it didn’t get a lot of use but it was a cheap one that made a real racket, had uneven tension and the saddle hurt my b*m. I know I have to do more exercise even if its’ only 30 mins a day – walking at lunchtime is just not an option at the moment and going to the gym is just not always practical. I figured we have enough space behind our sofa in the living area for a bike which would mean I could watch TV while I sat on the bike so I wouldn’t have to miss those favourite TV shows either. Basically it would take away all my excuses…..DH response was just so negative. Part of me doesn’t blame him – he is right I don’t make as much use of the gym now as I should, I have owned a bike before that didn’t get much use, why would it be different this time. But as I said to him – “Don’t you think I don’t know that, don’t you think I feel as negative as you, don’t you think I want to just turn around and say it won’t work anyway so why don’t I just forget trying…but I know I can’t give up trying because if I can’t control this I will probably end up in a wheelchair, so I have to keep trying although I know every last attempt has failed.” He was like all “No, you can’t give up, but what is going to be different this time?” and I’m like “What do you want a cast iron guarantee that I will use the bike every day – I want to give you that but I can’t in all honesty do that because I don’t have that confidence in myself – I’m looking for you to help me out and boost my confidence and encourage me not deflate and depress me more.”

We kind of left it there. I know my DH is worried about me and I know he wants me to lose weight but I can’t seem to make him understand that I need him to believe in me coz I just don’t believe in myself – even if he has to fake it…please just pretend you believe I can do it !!

The second run-in was on the last day – he knows (or should know) how bad my back is but I have tried to minimise it for everyone else and as I said at the start we had our 18 year old niece (a nice slim healthy size 10) with us. Anyway we had a couple of hours to kill before the bus arrives to transfer us to the airport – so we wonder into the town to grab a breakfast – it’s not far so it’s something I can manage especially as I know I can then sit down at the café to ease the pressure on my back. After we finish brekkie – we discuss what to do – I say I just want to go back to hotel and read book (there are seats and shade and a bar to grab a drink) but DH wants to go for a walk and he suggest we just walk around the bay and back (30-45 minute walk) and I say no – I don’t want to (meaning I can’t and you should know that but not wanting to say that with my niece there) and he starts on about me needing the exercise and it’s not far and so I take him aside and tell him I don’t appreciate being put under this sort of pressure – he knows that my back won’t even let me walk around the supermarket for 10 minutes especially in the morning and then he sulks because I don’t “want” to go for a walk. As it turns out our niece doesn’t want to walk either because she is suffering from a heat rash (she is v fair skinned) and wants to sit in the shade rather than walk around in the heat. So he wanders off on his own still in a sulk. By the time he gets back an hour later he is back to his old self. These were just 2 minor events not major rows or anything – but they left me feeling a bit low as I am so worried about my back and what it means for my future and I can’t seem to get him to understand that – he sometimes acts like I am making it up. I just don’t know how to talk to him about it – if we discuss my weight it always seems to end up in an argument when what I need is support.

I’m thinking the gastric band may be what I need – it’s a really drastic option and I know DH isn’t keen. He thinks I should try WW again first but then he acts like he did on holiday as if he doesn’t believe I can do it ….