Yikes here I am

My last post was in October.  Alot has happened since then. One of those things was I found myself (after being laid off and following a trip to Dallas/Ft Worth) That I was hovering at just over 200.  Now it's January and I was not good at all through the holidays. In fact I haven't weighed myself prior to Thanksgiving.  Hmmm I'm guessing (from the way my clothes are fitting) that I'm around 225/230 again. 

My weigh in will start tomorrow morning and my work out/ eating right will begin shortly there after I'm sure.

I hope everyone's doing great (better than me lol!).  Am looking forward to being goal oriented with this once again.

Part II

The first part of my earlier post brings lots of thoughts to mind..

I know when I've been at my heaviest I've found myself dealing with persistant feelings of pointlessness, discouragement, embarressment and it was much easier for me to "disconnect" whether it be from things, activities or people.  This was because of how I felt - physically and emotionally.  

I have had concerns about my health - wondering just how far off I am/ have been from a  heart attack.  My ankles and knees were bothering me.  Walking was the last thing I felt like doing let alone wanted to do.

As for depression - yes I'm sure it has factored in.  It's depressing!  But also chemically, physically, I think the weight does something to our hormones and our bodies ability to naturally cope with stress and such.  Things just don't work like they're supposed to.

So for the second part of my earlier post:

I'm losing weight because there is more to life, my life, than  what I was allowing myself to experience, to enjoy.   I'm losing weight because my husband deserves better, I deserve better.  And I'm ready to do this. I need to do this.

I am committed.. 50 lbs down,  I'm almost half way there.  I'm seeing how much better I feel and look, I'm seeing how much more energy I have, how motivated I am and I can only imagine it will be even better as I keep going.

I have a good support system, being here is one of them. It's an amazing process to journal through this experience.  To be able to lay down  my thoughts and feelings.  I do feel a little self concience about what I write sometimes but that's okay. It makes me "think" about how I"m feeling and what I want to do about it.  And I'm realizing that's a big part of things, being ready to identify a problem and find a resolution, at least work towards it - whether it be weight related, relationship related, etc...

I think it's important to realize I"m human and I'm going to mess up on this plan now and then. And I do, and I'm sure I'll continue but the saving grace for me is seeing those two numbers "50" and realizing that that has been accomplished even though my efforts have not been perfect.  This is doable, I'm living proof.  The thing is to keep wanting it and keep working towards it (the goal).

For the third part of my previous post...

I no longer eat bread products, pasta, processed or pre packaged/ prepared foods... fresh and healthy has been the mode.

I eat on time (for the most part) I eat purposefully, and I stop when my portions are done.

I'm finding that I'm "doing" more than stewing lol.  This helps. It compartmentalizes what I'm feeling and how I'm going to cope with it.  What I"m in the mood for and how I'm going to satisfy that - reading, or walking or doing a project.  The pointless eating episode - just to be eating is hopefully a thing of the past. Relating food to certain occassions or events is also hopefully a thing of the past.

and finally my activity level... is steadily increasing and wow I can really amaze myself some days at what I can accomplish now that I'm off my tail and moving!  I want to walk, it's my personal retreat each night/ day. My mind can wander, I can listen to music and just "be" all the while giving my body the workout it  needs.  I am starting to plan activities with my hubby and friends. I'm far more likely to make plans period.

It's all good.

Methods & Motivations

"It is one of the most beautiful compensations of this life that no man can sincerely try to help another without helping himself." - Ralph Waldo Emerson

I think it's a healthy and positive thing to revisit my methods and motivations.... helps keep me on track and reminds me of the whys to the whats I'm doing...

Found this article this morning and thought I'd post part of it:

Weight effects us in many ways other than our appearance:

• Our overall quality of life
• Self-esteem
• Health risks
• Depression
• Physical abilities are also influenced

We should ask ourselves:

• Why do you want to lose weight?
• Are you truly committed? Do you have a support system set up?
• Can you accept mistakes without giving up altogether?

To loose wieght effectively, you will have to permanently change four aspects of your life:

• What you eat
• How you eat
• Your behavior and
• Your activity level

So how am I/ are we doing with these things?? I'm off to ponder.

move over monday, it's now tuesday

I don't know about you but I got wayyyy too much mileage out of Monday, whew, glad it's now Tuesday lol.  Not quite as tired today and my mood definately feels better - I don't know am thinking that the two might be related lol.

So a neat thing happened this last weekend. My sister-in-law called and asked if B and I would be God parents for their kids. We live about 3 hours apart and my time with them has been, as I'm really aware of, sort of on the skinny side. They sort of do their own thing and I get over and spend time with the kids as I'm able to. I haven't really felt like we're (she and my brother and B and I) super close - so this really meant alot to me. 

Then we got a letter from John this week, whom we sponsor in Uganda.  He mentions that he is now living with a "step-father".  I don't know what this means as he really doesn't have any family aside from his Grandmother.  I'm concerned that something has happened and so have a message into the organization to see what I can find out.  In the mean time he asks us if we now have children (from when we last saw him).  My response to him was in our return letter - yes we do have one child, him.  Even though some things have not come to fruitation in my life, I am humbly reminded of God's provision.   We are and could be more, where we need to be.   And to be needed is the best thing isn't it? 

My weight is the same - however last night I put on a pair of  slate blue cargo pants that I've been super itchin to fit into and wear. Now mind you they might have been a tad snug - but wooohoo! they slid up and zipped and buttoned (all crucial lol).  I've only had them 2 years lol.

I'm getting bored with my food selection this week.. last night we were in the store walking near the bakery section and I looked at B and said - I just want to buy one of those cakes and eat the whole thing - frosting and all all by myself hahaa.... sick I know.  I don't really find myself craving after candies or chocolates but man frosting looks so good.  Now if I could just fast forward in my mind to imagining myself getting severly ill and puking it all up (gross I know but completely necessary to add) it helps deminish the urge.  Ugly, oily, frothy vomitus.

sorry - I'm cracking myself up here. 

I do hope I can find myself at 212  (NOT 112)  tomorrow.  sighs longingly.

EDITED: LOL ... I was reading your responses and was confused - um the above weight should have read 212! haha.. NOT 112. I'd be looking seriously ill at that weight and probably would feel that way too!!

Week 17 (I think LOL)

Morning EP buddies!  Thanks to those who left words of  congratulations at hitting 50 down :))  I've been continuing on and am now 53 down.  

Went for a 6 mile walk yesterday along the river. The weather was pretty good. I was tired and my left calf was a bit sore after the first loop but we tracked along, albeit at a slower pace and managed to finish up the second...   felt good and tired for doing it.  

So I've crept back into my sugar free latte ways. Ugh.  I need to remember that my lack of self control (tendancy to become addicted to the comfort aspect and taste of it all) got me in this position the first place. SO - for today (at least through the day) no lattes. I have some yummy cherry/cinnamon tea that I picked up. Absolutely  no reason why I can't enjoy a steeping hot cuppa that instead.

I'm finding that I have so much more energy, and this coupled with our home computer being down for few days has really gotten me ahead with our house cleaning/ organizing and socializing LOL...

Had another couple over Saturday after church, along with their son (think he's in 4th grade). It was great to hang out and talk with them. B got the xbox out for their son (and for us ha!) and everyone took a few turns racing against each other (Rally Fusion is the name of what we played).  We shared some dinner and desert (skinny cows - of course, what else? lol).

Took time to write out some correspondence to a couple people and am hoping to get them off in the mail today. 

Welp, I'm off to catch up on y'all and see how you're doing :)  Wishing everyone a lovely day.

50 Down

Stepped on the scale this morning and it read - 215.5 (Yayy!!)  I have finally got rid of over 50 lbs!!

Next big goal will be 200 (actually 199)... I've created a little visual reminder of those 50 pounds now gone.  I'll see if I can attach it. Maybe tonight.

Wishing you all success in meeting your goals - Yay Gwynn, you go girl!!!  :D

216.5 (!!!!)

I'm sooo excited and happy, I'm -------> <--------  this close to being 50 lbs down.  

The walk on Saturday went really well. It was the furthest B and I have walked together (6 miles).    We took a couple minutes in the middle and shared a power bar cause I didn't have much of a breakfast earlier.    Felt really good to go that far and feel okay when we were done.  The only thing that bothered me much was a sore arch on my right foot.  The shoes I have are now almost worn out and soon I'll be looking for a new pair.  They're Pearl Izumi's or however you say them, I think the float model.   They're super lightweight and have great traction for trails.  But the arch thing isn't quite right and I've built up quite a callous on my left heel from where it's rubbed.   So I'm off to find something new and different..  I looked at REI and just wasn't happy with any of the fits early this summer but who knows maybe they'll fit differently now.   I don't really care what kind they are so long as they fit good and are lightweight.  Oh the other good thing about the kind I have now is that they do let me feet breathe good, of course that means my socks look pretty rough after walking.  The powdery dirt goes right through em lol.

Co-worker is out again today.  It's sunny and a Monday hmm... Which means I wasn't able to plan properly for my meals as I had expected to be able to go home at lunch and make a smoothie.

It really is gorgeous looking out there today..  If it stays like this I might be able to walk tonight along the river which would be great.

I hope everyone had a great weekend and an easy Monday :) 

218!

Feeling happy and motivated this morning.  Sunny day here, a long walk to look forward to and am finally at 218.

Think we're going to try 2 loops by the river which would bring us out at 6 miles. If that doesn't do something to my matabolism and the scales I"m not sure what will (well I mean aside from amputation lol).  I think it's time to go for it.  Will take the camel back and just plan on going strong and steady, not too fast and not too pokey.

Other than this we have some bark dust to spread, B will be working down at the neighbors later finishing a dismantle of their shop. 

Met the new neighbors last night. They've just purchased the lot next to us, an undeveloped 2.5 or so acre of land.  There's alot of work to do to ready it for construction for next spring but they seem excited and motivated. They're a friendly young couple with two children.   It'll be good to have neighbors, at the same time I'm going to miss the deer that bed down over there and their babies each spring.   That's the sad part of development specially in a rural, forested area like this. It's gotten to be such a haven for them. We have a resident hurd of about 4 bucks that hang here each year too.  But the upside is there isn't any more vacant lots that I know of waiting to be built on. So the area shouldn't change much for them aside from this.

I hope everyone has a nice day/ weekend.  My goal for this week was to get down to 215 (which would be by Monday) but I don't see that happening.   Might have been a bit optomistic.

close, so close

back down a pound and resting on the edge of 218 - oh yes - I'm about to breach my latest plateau. Ohhh yes I shall this weekend!  

::grins micheviously::   my coworker is going to starbucks this morning and will be picking me up a grande sugar free latte - now I know, I know, I'm playing with fire here but I will not be eating any nuts today, I ate pretty skinny for dinner tonight (grilled steak and grilled onions soaked in balsmic)...   It's raining here and I wanted something hot.   This will make three this week, no wait I had one last night at home (oh crap)... lol.. I 'll let you know how I fare, in the mean time I will be considering some sort of tea that's tasty that will be a good substitute. 

Let's just call this "research" and see how these effect me vs the nuts.... Oh and I cut back on my skinny cows last night and will do so again tonight.   I've got to make this work.

In the mean time - I'm feeling motivated. I'll get in a good workout tonight, maybe walk an extra mile. 

Oh yes, and 100 oz of water today. I can do it!

The boots are on the way.  And hey it's snowing up on the pass - the Indian summer's going out with a bang.

Hope everyone has a wonderful day and is doing good on their plans.  I'm super proud of you all!!

so 15 weeks

I was trying to put this journey and my progress into perspective...

The last 15 weeks....

I've not had one sandwich. In fact I can count on one hand how many "bread" items I've eaten (I think 2 pieces of the crusty small loaf type that's served at restaraunts with dinner).

• No regular ice cream (only skinny cows), or cake
• No hot chocolate
• No pasta
• No butter, sour cream, cheese or worse strawberry milk
• No gronola bars, muffins or treats from starbucks
• Nothing prepackaged, prepared
• No drive through, no fast food inclusive of Subway & Quiznos
• No chips, no dips
• No popcorn or pop
• No juice concentrates
• No cookies, candies or hersheys kisses.

and no more

• Huffing up our stairs, to the mail box or around the yard
• Puffy feet, puffy face, puffy fingers
• Fitful nights and snoring (or so the hubby says!)
• ha Lines on the side of my face from my glasses!
• Sore ankles or knees

I can once again

• Walk 4.5 miles easily
• Spend all day working in the yard laying pavers and planting trees
• Do situps!!
• Imagine myself scuba diving
• Be excited to travel
• Look forward to being in pictures with loved ones
• Wear jeans I haven't touched for 2 years
• Chase the dog around in the backyard

I'm learning

• That food is not a replacement for "doing" for "activity" for "joy" nor for "satisfaction"
• Food is not going to solve my problems, enable me to conquer my challenges or better my communication skills
• Food doesn't help me to listen any better, doesn't make me more interesting, doesn't allow me to feel prettier or smarter.  It doesn't take away my insecurities nor allow me grow in the ways I  need to.

It's fuel, it helps keep me going, propells me and if I put a bunch of lame fuel in my body I'll get bad mileage,  run less efficiently whether I'm motoring down a speedway or idling for the  moment.

We're fortunate in that food is something we can enjoy, we just need to make sure that we're not abusing it, taking it for granted or using it as a crutch.