Have I really been at this since 2007??? lolol

muscle and calories

Day 8

Day 5

Day 4

This looks familiar

Yikes here I am

My last post was in October.  Alot has happened since then. One of those things was I found myself (after being laid off and following a trip to Dallas/Ft Worth) That I was hovering at just over 200.  Now it's January and I was not good at all through the holidays. In fact I haven't weighed myself prior to Thanksgiving.  Hmmm I'm guessing (from the way my clothes are fitting) that I'm around 225/230 again. 

My weigh in will start tomorrow morning and my work out/ eating right will begin shortly there after I'm sure.

I hope everyone's doing great (better than me lol!).  Am looking forward to being goal oriented with this once again.

Part II

The first part of my earlier post brings lots of thoughts to mind..

I know when I've been at my heaviest I've found myself dealing with persistant feelings of pointlessness, discouragement, embarressment and it was much easier for me to "disconnect" whether it be from things, activities or people.  This was because of how I felt - physically and emotionally.  

I have had concerns about my health - wondering just how far off I am/ have been from a  heart attack.  My ankles and knees were bothering me.  Walking was the last thing I felt like doing let alone wanted to do.

As for depression - yes I'm sure it has factored in.  It's depressing!  But also chemically, physically, I think the weight does something to our hormones and our bodies ability to naturally cope with stress and such.  Things just don't work like they're supposed to.

So for the second part of my earlier post:

I'm losing weight because there is more to life, my life, than  what I was allowing myself to experience, to enjoy.   I'm losing weight because my husband deserves better, I deserve better.  And I'm ready to do this. I need to do this.

I am committed.. 50 lbs down,  I'm almost half way there.  I'm seeing how much better I feel and look, I'm seeing how much more energy I have, how motivated I am and I can only imagine it will be even better as I keep going.

I have a good support system, being here is one of them. It's an amazing process to journal through this experience.  To be able to lay down  my thoughts and feelings.  I do feel a little self concience about what I write sometimes but that's okay. It makes me "think" about how I"m feeling and what I want to do about it.  And I'm realizing that's a big part of things, being ready to identify a problem and find a resolution, at least work towards it - whether it be weight related, relationship related, etc...

I think it's important to realize I"m human and I'm going to mess up on this plan now and then. And I do, and I'm sure I'll continue but the saving grace for me is seeing those two numbers "50" and realizing that that has been accomplished even though my efforts have not been perfect.  This is doable, I'm living proof.  The thing is to keep wanting it and keep working towards it (the goal).

For the third part of my previous post...

I no longer eat bread products, pasta, processed or pre packaged/ prepared foods... fresh and healthy has been the mode.

I eat on time (for the most part) I eat purposefully, and I stop when my portions are done.

I'm finding that I'm "doing" more than stewing lol.  This helps. It compartmentalizes what I'm feeling and how I'm going to cope with it.  What I"m in the mood for and how I'm going to satisfy that - reading, or walking or doing a project.  The pointless eating episode - just to be eating is hopefully a thing of the past. Relating food to certain occassions or events is also hopefully a thing of the past.

and finally my activity level... is steadily increasing and wow I can really amaze myself some days at what I can accomplish now that I'm off my tail and moving!  I want to walk, it's my personal retreat each night/ day. My mind can wander, I can listen to music and just "be" all the while giving my body the workout it  needs.  I am starting to plan activities with my hubby and friends. I'm far more likely to make plans period.

It's all good.

Methods & Motivations

"It is one of the most beautiful compensations of this life that no man can sincerely try to help another without helping himself." - Ralph Waldo Emerson

I think it's a healthy and positive thing to revisit my methods and motivations.... helps keep me on track and reminds me of the whys to the whats I'm doing...

Found this article this morning and thought I'd post part of it:

Weight effects us in many ways other than our appearance:

• Our overall quality of life
• Self-esteem
• Health risks
• Depression
• Physical abilities are also influenced

We should ask ourselves:

• Why do you want to lose weight?
• Are you truly committed? Do you have a support system set up?
• Can you accept mistakes without giving up altogether?

To loose wieght effectively, you will have to permanently change four aspects of your life:

• What you eat
• How you eat
• Your behavior and
• Your activity level

So how am I/ are we doing with these things?? I'm off to ponder.

move over monday, it's now tuesday

I don't know about you but I got wayyyy too much mileage out of Monday, whew, glad it's now Tuesday lol.  Not quite as tired today and my mood definately feels better - I don't know am thinking that the two might be related lol.

So a neat thing happened this last weekend. My sister-in-law called and asked if B and I would be God parents for their kids. We live about 3 hours apart and my time with them has been, as I'm really aware of, sort of on the skinny side. They sort of do their own thing and I get over and spend time with the kids as I'm able to. I haven't really felt like we're (she and my brother and B and I) super close - so this really meant alot to me. 

Then we got a letter from John this week, whom we sponsor in Uganda.  He mentions that he is now living with a "step-father".  I don't know what this means as he really doesn't have any family aside from his Grandmother.  I'm concerned that something has happened and so have a message into the organization to see what I can find out.  In the mean time he asks us if we now have children (from when we last saw him).  My response to him was in our return letter - yes we do have one child, him.  Even though some things have not come to fruitation in my life, I am humbly reminded of God's provision.   We are and could be more, where we need to be.   And to be needed is the best thing isn't it? 

My weight is the same - however last night I put on a pair of  slate blue cargo pants that I've been super itchin to fit into and wear. Now mind you they might have been a tad snug - but wooohoo! they slid up and zipped and buttoned (all crucial lol).  I've only had them 2 years lol.

I'm getting bored with my food selection this week.. last night we were in the store walking near the bakery section and I looked at B and said - I just want to buy one of those cakes and eat the whole thing - frosting and all all by myself hahaa.... sick I know.  I don't really find myself craving after candies or chocolates but man frosting looks so good.  Now if I could just fast forward in my mind to imagining myself getting severly ill and puking it all up (gross I know but completely necessary to add) it helps deminish the urge.  Ugly, oily, frothy vomitus.

sorry - I'm cracking myself up here. 

I do hope I can find myself at 212  (NOT 112)  tomorrow.  sighs longingly.

EDITED: LOL ... I was reading your responses and was confused - um the above weight should have read 212! haha.. NOT 112. I'd be looking seriously ill at that weight and probably would feel that way too!!