On sunday my family went to a water park. At my current weight this is inconceivable to me that I went, but my son is two and I wanted to have a fun family outing. I did take a minute out though to learn something. Walking around selfconciously in my two piece shorts/tank combo I was amazed at the women around me. Fat or thin many of them seemed so ... OKAY with themselves. They weren't tugging or pulling at their suits trying to cover or uncover one thing or another. They didn't seem to have any of the anxiety that I did and I wondered...why is that? I am not saying that I have just decided to be okay with my weight. That's not it at all. I am just saying that maybe I come down on myself too hard. I mean, will I be happy if I reach my goal weight or will I still wonder if my ass is too big? I'm thinking that my current state of mind will preclude me from EVER being happy with myself. Maybe I need to take this "swim lesson" and develop a better attitude about ME. Yes, I am overweight. Clinically obese in fact. But you know what? I have good qualities too! I think I just need to appreciate the good AND lose the weight.

So, here I am doing what I swore I would never do....sharing my weight struggle with strangers. Here's the background...I am 30 (yikes!) and overweight. I am a first time mother to an almost 2 year old and am contemplating having another. I stuggle with guilt of all kinds, mommy guilt, food guilt, lack of exercise guilt, no "me" time guilt....need I go on?

 

I have never eaten well. I eat what I want, when I want, and I do not have the metabolism or body type to pull it off like my mother does. I have tried all the diets, gone on my own, kept the journals, tracked food, calories, emotions, exercise and I still am fat.

 

This time, I am not trying to lose to look pretty or go to a wedding and I feel...emancipated. I have decided that I don't care if I can wear a bikini or the cute sundresses the other girls wear. I want to be able to keep up with my athletic husband and son. I want to run a 5K. I want to go a season without buying a new wardrobe because the old one doesn't fit. I want to feel the same sense of peace after I exercise that I feel after I eat. Is that too much to ask?? Apparently it has been until now....welcome to my nightmare....