Eyes wide open

okay wow i feel fantastic this morning.... i dont even think its the fact i had my first medifast shake in a while either...

i think its more the resolve i have to do this... the affirmations in my head that say i will NOT give up.

I had a chocolate shake for breakfast and wrote out in my planner the approximate times ill try to have the rest of my meals. my goal in my planner for today is to stick with the plan... simple right? if i need to i will find things to keep me entertained and out of the fridge... i got a free trial of everquest ive been playing...hehe  my fiance has turned me into a casual gamer anyways. but i think im going to go back to WoW like i said i would.

anyways so yay for being in a good mood today. im going to stick to plan

a change of course

So after much contemplation and frustration... im going back to medifast. I am completely frusterated and scared about not being able to get this weight off.  I just dont feel good about myself and i remember the results i got from medifast and how great i felt. I know i can do it i just lost my way last time. I have a goal and im going to try very hard to reach it, rather i am going to reach it. my aunt had a bunch left over that she cant use due to her heart and kidneys getting worse. So im using her supply and then buying a months supply when that starts to get low. I lost 50 lbs within 6 months last time. if i even can manage half of that ill be excited. But i know i can do this. and im excited to get back on this journey toward my goal. i even made sure to take my measurements as of now so i can keep track.

anyways, tomorrow is a new day. im weighing myself, mondays are going to be the official weigh in day, no more daily weigh ins...or at least no more than 2 weigh ins a week...its hard for me not to but im going to try.  I bought a new planner just for my life in general and im going to write goals in there and track myself in there as well. ill post my little goals here as well. goodnight i better get some sleep

lowering my goal for the wedding, but not my expectations

so i decided so i dont stress myself out in obtaining a goal that is pretty aggressive  and doesnt give much room for unexpected plateaus and all that, i decided to put my goal for the wedding for me to weigh 160. if i surpass that awesome. but when i come back i will work on the rest.  with the stress of the wedding and the wedding plans and figuring everything out, this is all uncharted territory for us both so i rather not get myself all stressed. anyways ive done great this week. worked out 3 days in a row so far and working out tonight too :) yay!

thats all

Rough weekend emotionally

glad i can say that rather than saying i cheated again. But I havent, and the scale has rewarded me a lil bit. Yesterday for the most part sucked, robert and i got into it a lil, then made up, then i go to my aunts and one of the first things she says to me is "you have gained alot of weight back". Im already stressed that in a month my gown will be here, and im still a bit heavier than when i ordered it. and  tomorrow is an upsetting day for me, so add it together and i left the room crying only to hear her and my mother discussing whether or not i will fit in my gown :(. I know she "meant" well, but i just didnt need to hear it because while yes ive been losing over the past few weeks its like that went unnoticed. I am not blind, i know i gained a bit back and i have been working toward getting that off, and if anything im at least 6 lbs closer to my goal.

the reason tomorrow is upsetting is because it is the anniversary of my fathers accident. Though last year i was actually really good on that day (mainly cuz of robert), it still was hard. This year feels really hard, because of the fact that im getting married and he wont be there. I was working on my scrapbook last night and im making one page in memorial for the family that wont be there physically at the wedding. I put part of the lyrics to "Im already there" by lonestar on it.

"Im already there, take a look around, im the sunshine in your hair, im the shadow on the ground, im the whisper in the wind, and ill be there until the end"

i cry when i listen to that song cuz it makes me think of him, but i think the lyrics are beautiful so i put it on that page. I also put a picture of him and i at a father/daughter dance ( when i was in girl scouts they had those annually). underneath it has his name and "father of the bride".  I ended up jus staring at the pic last night and kept having to fight back tears. my relationship with my father was definitely a strained one in the end, if only for the fact that we lost contact with each other. Its still hard to realize i will not see him again while im alive

Ive had several dreams where he has visited me. and acknowledged that he died. usually i say to him, dad ur dead, and he will just say, yeah, i know, how are you doing?

It would happen every couple of months. A little while after robert and i got back together i had my last dream about him. Robert was in the dream but in the background with everyone else. My father came over to me and again asked how im doing. I told him im doing good, then  he nodded toward  robert and asked if that was him. i said yes, that is him and smiled.

call me crazy but in my heart i dont think those were just dreams, and the reason i havent had one for so long is because he knows i have someone by my side that i can trust in and that always boosts me up when i need it. i guess after that dream i was positive robert and i would get married eventually.

But yeah tomorrow will be 4 years since he died in a car accident, and i miss him. my goal? take care of myself tomorrow, cry if i need to but do not take my emotions out on my body by binging. one of the most important things with me dieting is keeping my emotions in check. if i need to be upset fine, but i dont need to finish off a whole bag of chips, or a huge chunk of cheese, or whatever.

sorry if this is a downer of a post. on a happy note my weight went down another lb and a half about. i did great yesterday with my diet too so im proud of myself for it.

an ex friend of mine decided to pick on me about my dad, saying how i constantly bring him up and that i use it for pity. and while i shouldnt let stuff get to me, that did. not like it hurt my feelings, like where does she get off saying that? has she yet to experience a loss like that? her bf's brother died , but she never met him. and besides a grandparent she hasnt lost someone like that. I had 2 friends die in hs, which really sucks, thats when u realize your not invincible. Losing my father was easily one of the hardest things to go throw for me. Maybe she cant understand because her real dad left at 2 and that isnt a hit below the belt. i mean that i was much closer to my dad then she was to hers. mine left when i was nearly 11 and i still saw him quite a bit until i hit 13 and then it became an every once in a while thing. so i had a bond with my dad. plenty of people have lost there parents, and maybe understand a little better. but this is how i get better. i acknowledge, but still go on with my life and push foward. 

anyways i need to get ready for work. bye

yay

im down another lb!

just sharing :)

back on track..

so i didnt post my weight update until yesterday because i had gone back up to 201 :( after last week...yeck. But i weighed myself this morning and i was 198.8, so yay! The only thing that sux is we definitely seem to be spending more on groceries and putting less into savings. I feel guilty. blah.  Im praying that god watching out for us and will help things to workout. if i keep stressing i know what that will do to me. put me right back up over 200 again. We do still have 7 months until our wedding, so we can save. and we have about 1500 so far. and need to save about 5000 or so, probably a lil more. if i can get this job im trying to get at the mall that will help out alot. pretty much any extra money will help out.

the money thing definitely is something i find myself stressed over, but i know better. so far things have worked out in the past. idk i guess its because its our wedding, and while not everything will go right. i pray we can afford it.  :( blah.... i hate waiting to hear from places, but on the other hand im confident in myself, my abilities, and my knowledge, so maybe this will work out.

alright, goal for today is to stay on track and go to the gym for an hour. i can do this... not just this diet, but the next 7 months of craziness... lol

rough week

ok so i did two bad things this week. 1st, chili's chicken crispers, 2nd- brownie a la mode.

i most definitely got in the extra 35 pts possibly more from those. Other wise i have been good. I havent worked out at all this week but meant to.. bleh. im going to today...i think...gah lol.

i found out i didnt get the job i hoped for even after it had seemed very promising. It really sucked..... my friend andrea wanted to go to chilis so i went with. i think this is why lately i try to avoid hanging with friends i know i can over eat with lately. her and i have done it plenty in the past. just like me and my cousin used to.

Then we threw my teacher from my trade school a goodbye party and  they had an ice cream social. it was yummy but made me so sick i didnt have dinner...so in a way i might not have gone too far over points on wednesday. I always seem to forget my issues with dairy... :( until after the fact when i feel like im dying :)

anyways.. did good yesterday, made dinner for me and robert and since its thursday he wasnt working so we spent time together after i got out of work, so we had dinner and watched Blades of Glory. cute movie lol. very silly. I didnt work out because, i dont always get much time to hang out with robert. i get out of work at 3 everyday and he doesnt get out til 10. then until now ive had my saturdays filled up with interning. so sunday and then thursday and saturday afternoons  is our hang out time and sometimes we frequently end up with family on saturday. not to mention we share a place with my brother...so not much US time.  I applied for a nother job, if i get it, once again our time will be cut down until after we are married and have gotten some bills out of the way.

yesterday was good, until robert realized there was around 400 dollars missing out of his stash of money he was saving toward our wedding. we have no clue who took it, honestly i suspect my brother but my mom kinda freaked when i said that he is really the only person that is at the house enough when we arent there  that he might have.  Im thinking we should just throw it into my savings account since he doesnt have a bank account currently but i know he is wary about my financial abilities.

So yeah, definitely this week has felt like 2 steps forward, 2 steps back...lol. oi....hopefully i can still lose 1 lbs this week. ive got til monday.

keepin it real

ha, as in my food log

So i didnt do the greatest yesterday, i had an extra ww ice cream bar, and a bag of chips. but i did keep myself accountable. I looked up how much the pts for the chips would be and made sure to right down my off planning eating. i only used 4 extra pts. Which i get 35 reserve pts per week, so i subtracted from that. I try not to use those, but on days like yesterday it helps to keep me from feeling like i messed up.

my weight has only fluctuated a lil and is still sitting at right about 199. Once i go below 199 im dropping down to 24pts a day. im just gonna elimate one of my snacks, or maybe switch out some fruit for veggies that are no pts. :)

I still have yet to measure myself. i really should...bleh. lol oh well when i remember to look for measuring tape i will.  I am feeling really good for the most part, and have developed a good routine of waking up at 5:45 am , making my breakfast, packing my lunch and getting ready for work.  Its definitely going to change some whenever i get a second job, but hopefully things will be fine. Ill be working close to 80 hours a week, If i could drop to less at the job im at now it would be even better but i need my health insurance right now. I might try and hold out til oct and drop my health insurance...but i really rather wait until robert can have me under his insurance once we get married. In my head im trying to figure out how trying to balance both jobs would work...*sigh* its going to have to, even if i dont sleep as much...lol. right? meh...lol well im going to stop worrying for now until i need to figure that bit out.

Ive been up to scrapbooking again.  which is great. gives me something to do with my hands other than put food in my mouth. i forget if i mentioned the whole wedding scrapbook in place of a guest book but yeah. It is coming along nicely. I may ask roberts mom for some pics since he gave me the okay to get a few pics of him when he was younger and maybe make  a page for the "Prologue". LoL im making the whole book like a story book. Its really cute. I need to take some pics and post it. like on the page with pics of me when i was younger and him, i want to put "once there was a little boy and a little girl" and maybe something his mom remembers about him, and something my mom remembers about me.

i love doing creative stuff. i guess thats why the field im going into suits me so much. :) well, time to get elbow deep into work. tata

Back on the better side of the fence

I weighed in about 5 minutes ago. i know i should just wait til monday to do my official weigh in but i couldnt help myself lol.

Im back below 200! Im 199.2, so ive surpassed my goal of 1-2 lbs per week for the week. granted its my first week on the diet, so you usually lose more, but i am happy. It also definitely motivated me to get my butt to the gym this morning. Im just chilling out first because i just ate breakfast. 2 pieces of ww bread toasted and ww yogurt :) I need to go food shopping later though and restock for the week.

Robert has been sick the past few days  :( sucks but hopefully he is getting better.

Oh other exciting news, we went to a cake tasting on friday (i considered a chunk of my reserve points gone even though it was super tiny pieces of cake). We decided on what our wedding cake is going to taste and look like :).

It will look like this cake except we are probably using Sage ribbon and getting lavender colored fresh flowers and maybe an H monogram in the top with the flowers.

http://picasaweb.google.com/DntCryLilEmoGrl/Cake/photo#5100836279299516034

We get to have all the tiers diff flavors,

1st tier- strawberry swirl (with real strawberries in the cake) with cream cheese and strawberry preserve filling

2nd tier- apple cinnamon swirl (chunks of cinnamon apple in cake) with cream chees and apple preserve filling

3rd tier (our anniversary tier)- 1/2 strawberry swirl and rasberry lemon swirl with cream cheese filling.

so it will be a light and fruity cake haha.

anyways so YAY down 3.2! time to celebrate, on the treadmill :)

***Edit***

oh yeah. at my internship yesterday at the makeup studio not only did i do my second part of interviewing (did a facial and also did one of the girls makeup). I also got information on a really good plastic surgeon. Apparently he sends his patients for camoflage makeup at the place i intern and according to the owner, whom i trust her judgement, he does really great work.

So i am thinking of going for a consultation soon, to find out about a breast reduction. cost, and whether or not my insurance will cover any of it. I am planning on doing it sometime around now next year. As painful as i heard it is, i think for me it would be worth it. so, we will see what happens and what i find out.

Almost through my first week

So its thursday, and im already nearly through my first week. I have already had a 2 lb loss since i started on monday, so there is one goal met.

Not a huge goal, but sticking to my diet certainly has been, as well as getting to the gym which i managed to do on monday and weds. Tuesday i cleaned up a bit around the house so i consider that some light working out, seeing as i was sweating after doing it all. It is nice to have this time off before starting a second job so that i have the downtime to workout and cook. I really enjoy cooking now. I will have to figure out a way of still doing it. lately ive been making 4 servings so that robert and i can have the left overs the next day. and we eat out about once a week. So really im just cooking  3 times a week. I may just do like i used to with my cousin when we were dieting together and cook everything on the weekend and just seal it up in tupperware.

anyways so since i have been sticking with it, and have been working out (about 3miles on the treadmill, which for me i do in an hour), I went to michaels yesterday and got scrapbook stuff with a visa giftcard i still had. Im going to start on our wedding scrapbook. Im gonna have pics of us before we were engaged and stuff. i got a lot of cute stickers and paper on sale and also some alphabet stamps. Im going to have the first page say "our love story" :)

Today when i go home i think im going to try and do 30 minutes of working out. like doing crunches...i also have aerobic striptease dvds at home. could do those :)

anyways thats all to report now.