Rough weekend emotionally
glad i can say that rather than saying i cheated again. But I havent, and the scale has rewarded me a lil bit. Yesterday for the most part sucked, robert and i got into it a lil, then made up, then i go to my aunts and one of the first things she says to me is "you have gained alot of weight back". Im already stressed that in a month my gown will be here, and im still a bit heavier than when i ordered it. and tomorrow is an upsetting day for me, so add it together and i left the room crying only to hear her and my mother discussing whether or not i will fit in my gown :(. I know she "meant" well, but i just didnt need to hear it because while yes ive been losing over the past few weeks its like that went unnoticed. I am not blind, i know i gained a bit back and i have been working toward getting that off, and if anything im at least 6 lbs closer to my goal.
the reason tomorrow is upsetting is because it is the anniversary of my fathers accident. Though last year i was actually really good on that day (mainly cuz of robert), it still was hard. This year feels really hard, because of the fact that im getting married and he wont be there. I was working on my scrapbook last night and im making one page in memorial for the family that wont be there physically at the wedding. I put part of the lyrics to "Im already there" by lonestar on it.
"Im already there, take a look around, im the sunshine in your hair, im the shadow on the ground, im the whisper in the wind, and ill be there until the end"
i cry when i listen to that song cuz it makes me think of him, but i think the lyrics are beautiful so i put it on that page. I also put a picture of him and i at a father/daughter dance ( when i was in girl scouts they had those annually). underneath it has his name and "father of the bride". I ended up jus staring at the pic last night and kept having to fight back tears. my relationship with my father was definitely a strained one in the end, if only for the fact that we lost contact with each other. Its still hard to realize i will not see him again while im alive
Ive had several dreams where he has visited me. and acknowledged that he died. usually i say to him, dad ur dead, and he will just say, yeah, i know, how are you doing?
It would happen every couple of months. A little while after robert and i got back together i had my last dream about him. Robert was in the dream but in the background with everyone else. My father came over to me and again asked how im doing. I told him im doing good, then he nodded toward robert and asked if that was him. i said yes, that is him and smiled.
call me crazy but in my heart i dont think those were just dreams, and the reason i havent had one for so long is because he knows i have someone by my side that i can trust in and that always boosts me up when i need it. i guess after that dream i was positive robert and i would get married eventually.
But yeah tomorrow will be 4 years since he died in a car accident, and i miss him. my goal? take care of myself tomorrow, cry if i need to but do not take my emotions out on my body by binging. one of the most important things with me dieting is keeping my emotions in check. if i need to be upset fine, but i dont need to finish off a whole bag of chips, or a huge chunk of cheese, or whatever.
sorry if this is a downer of a post. on a happy note my weight went down another lb and a half about. i did great yesterday with my diet too so im proud of myself for it.
an ex friend of mine decided to pick on me about my dad, saying how i constantly bring him up and that i use it for pity. and while i shouldnt let stuff get to me, that did. not like it hurt my feelings, like where does she get off saying that? has she yet to experience a loss like that? her bf's brother died , but she never met him. and besides a grandparent she hasnt lost someone like that. I had 2 friends die in hs, which really sucks, thats when u realize your not invincible. Losing my father was easily one of the hardest things to go throw for me. Maybe she cant understand because her real dad left at 2 and that isnt a hit below the belt. i mean that i was much closer to my dad then she was to hers. mine left when i was nearly 11 and i still saw him quite a bit until i hit 13 and then it became an every once in a while thing. so i had a bond with my dad. plenty of people have lost there parents, and maybe understand a little better. but this is how i get better. i acknowledge, but still go on with my life and push foward.
anyways i need to get ready for work. bye