F A I L U R E

yep thats what I'm good at....once again one failure after another starts to take its toll on you after a while.  Im about to that point

nights-choices-addictions

i tell you the nights are so hard for me..i am one of those late night eater/snacker people.  I make it t hrough the day so well and motivated then at night i eat more than the whole day put together sometimes double or triple.  the last few nights i have not done that...last night i had the snack drawer open and my hand on the goods and something clicked and i was like you know what im gonna go have me some water b/c im not screwing up how hard i have worked so far...that doenst mean im going to be strong and make that decision everytime but i feel very proud of myself today for saying NO ...it is an addiction and a baaaaad habit but it can be stopped and broken...the addiction part though unlike an alcohol or drug addiction ...you can quit cold turkey on that and never touch it again..however the bad part about food addictions is you have to eat to live ...you cant just say ok im never eating again...would make things much easier though haha...well lets see how today goes...

does anyone?? or am i the only one

does anyone else hve the self talk of go ahead and eat it youre gonna screw up later anyway...or the feeling of some things calling you like the pizza place or the snacks in the fridge even though you want it so bad..lol i probly sound crazy but i have this all the time.....anyway i was just wondering

staying on track

i have been staying on track the past few days it hasnt been easy i seem to need to have a very strict schedule and i seem to do better that way but when things come up it frustrates me a lot and comes very close to throwing me off track..i  think i need to put everyone else aside and say me me me first it is going to be hard b/c im a people pleaser and it sucks - my in-laws expect us to go out and eat a lot with them and to the clubs and i think am going ot have to say no its really hard b/c you get a guilt trip of sorts but i mean six months of me being selfish isnt going to kill anyone and ill be a much better hostess and partier lol if i feel better about myself...ahh what it would feel like to go out and not feel like everyone is looking at you like you are disgusting.....anyway off to drink some more water...

Today

So far today has been good i have eaten very well and now its getting that time of the evening where i end up saying oh well and binging not tonight i think the hardest part of it is my husband works nights nad leaves around 9pm ..i kinda feel alone b/c he sleeps most of the day so its jsut me and my son....i need to spend more time with him which i did today and it feels good ...tonight i am going to go to bed early after i finish this instead of giving myself time to sit here and think about eating and making reasons why..its really weird and may sound obsurd but so much of the time i sit and constantly obsess over food like what i can eat and what sounds good and then when i cant have it like when im trying to diet i get like frustrated feeling and moody or grumpy or like this anger inside of me it sounds stupid probly maybe writing about it will help lol this blog has definately helped thus far and hope it continues to help..i sooo appreciate the feedback you from everyone on here it helps to be able to vent and hear positive things....some people try and be supportive but unless you are here in someones shoes or have been overweight and struggled with food things then you dont really truly understand......well im going to get my water ready and go to bed....tuen in tomorrow for more of my psycho venting...lol

I dont kow

I dont know if the title of my last post was really harsh but it has gotten really serious..I see people heavier and older than me and it seems like they are fine and I cant understand why my health seems to be getting so bad.  Is it the yoyo dieting all my life.  I had a realization yesterday while just sitting quietly thinking that I have no self worth.  For some reason I have it in my head that I am worthless and useless b/c i am fat.  I think it has to do wit hmy dad and I'm not putting the blame but i can remember being told as an overweight child that i had to stay inside b/.c fat people didnt need to be out playing and that people didnt want to see that and that i had to sit in the car when we would go to places like the water parks.  One incident I remember like it was yesterday was visiting the water park at cedar point when i was 12 and not wanting to slide or to wear a swimsuit.  when my dad found out i didnt bring one he went nuts with a good 30 minute lecture of how its better i left it anyway b/c people diddnt want to see that and how my fatness ruined everything for the family followed by a spanking and being left in the car haha so that might have something to do with it....I know this doesnt happen over night but it has to happen.. rambling thoughts its like when you start typing its so easy to vent rather than to talk to a person b/c hteres no interuptions, no insecurities, just able to let it go ...maybe i should have tried a blog years ago.  anyway im off to plan my meals for the day.

THANK YOU

To all the people who left such encouraging words of support on my last post I wante to say thank you sooo much...It really helps to see that mere strangers can be so kind and so caring and unjudgemental.  I appreciate the feedback soo much...Thanks again! 

Today

I have been trying to diet for three days now the key word is trying.

I feel worthless I do good all day then at night boom.  I knew last night I ordered a pizza and my blood pressure went up after eating it.  It was scary now I'm all grumpy today feeling like I was drugged I guess half a pizza and a whole order of cheese bread and a liter of pop would do that to anybody.. I dont know what i feel or think right now.  I just know I dont want to die.  I woke up several times through the night gasping for air.  I know its my weight b/c after jsut a few days of dieting I feel soo much better.  I have a gym membership and dont go the more i put it off the harder it is to walk through the doors.  I'm trying again today...something has to give.. I have no energy and my depression levels are over the top...I feel worthless and like I am a bad mom my son wants to play and i push him away b/c I have no energy...THat sounds sick and it is ...I love him so much and I am a good mom..I just need to be a better mom...well just venting for now...