Today is a very sad day for me…Today is the day that I am to bid you goodbye.
What can one say on this very special, but bittersweet day?It is impossible to find the words necessary to convey my feelings for you and acknowledge all you have done for me.My success will always be a tribute to you and our time together.You have inspired me in so many ways and I shall always be grateful.
In the beginning, I wasn’t sure you and I would be able to go the distance.You had such a huge weight to carry on your shoulders.I doubted you’d ever be able to measure up to your predecessor following so closely on their heels. You had mighty big shoes to fill, I tell you, but you did it.
You knew just what I needed, wanted.You approached me knowingly, with both feet planted firmly on the ground and I knew then, it was me that was going to have to loosen up and eventually learn to trust you if we were to make this work.I turned to you for support and received so much more. You had a comfortable, simple flatfooted approach to my situation which allowed me the wiggle room to work thru it on my own..(never once did you toss out any of those blistering reproaches others have pummeled me with in the past).By mere accident I discovered that we are sole mates and that fate had brought us together.Never.Once.Did.You.Let.Me.Down.
You swooshed into my life and put back that bounce in my step that had been missing for some time. Together I found, you and I march to the beat of the SAME ipod.
But lately, you are starting to look, old.tired.worn out.sluggish. Who could blame you?After all this time, you should be exhausted.
We have shared blood, sweat and tears together, but…now it’s your time to relax….Go Ahead. Enjoy. You have earned it.
So…here it is…I am offering you full retirement from your former duties.You will be moving on to a more restful, slower paced existence where you can age gracefully and with dignity amongst the others that have gone before you …(and I promise you I am not sending you to that big farm in the country where “Champ,” the world’s greatest Beagle ever, went to frolic and play with the others beagles when I was seven).~sigh~
But you will be happy to know…because of you, I am “keeping it in the family”.I have already found a suitable replacement to relieve you from your duties. ….
It just made sense.You and I were such a nice fit.So goodbye my good friend Nike…
it is now time for you to leather and lace gracefully.
What?Are you kidding me?Grow a backbone, Man!!What the hell is wrong with you?Seriously, I just don’t get you!You act all weak and needy, “ as if you can't live without her”…for heaven’s sake man!… look at you! You’re a fixturein her life!You need to step up to the plate man!how pathetic!No wonder she’s trying to keep her options open.So, you got some history together…whatev`….you’re doin it all wrong, man.
Who knows?Maybe “She’s just not that into you”…Seriously…when you do finally lure her behind closed doors and get her naked and alone, what do you do?You start flashing numbers and throwing your weight around again.You just need to scale back once in awhile!You’ve become so stagnant..ridgid, unforgiving.I mean after all, throw her a bone once in a while for heaven’s sake.
Take for instance last night… she went out to dinner with Roadrash, Thirtysomething and Mrs.Ed,(cuz Mr.Brat took off for the week to far-away-lands to frivolously spend away theirretirement savings) ….and she woke up this morning feeling desperate, alone and vulnerable and…in a moment of weakness…turned to you and what didyou do?
Need I say more…
The Girl loves Change…
don’t you get that?
She thrives on it..
she lives for it…
she likes new exciting sights and experiences… remember?
What have you done for her lately? So what ifshe’s not exactly monogamous (except with you, Mr.Brat).
So she’s a Numbers Whore, big deal!! that’s why she “gets us”…
I have to tell ya…I am miles ahead of you in terms of flexibility.For years I have been inching my way into her heart and and lately it’s all been adding up.You are not the only measure of success with regards to her weight loss efforts.Gradually she is recognizing that when you add it all together, I can go the distance…and I know I have made a quantifiable difference in her life too.
You know she can always count on me….even when you let her down time after time…
We need to talk…this is very painful for me and I am not sure how you will react but I have to come clean as this is weighing heavy on me right now.
First off…I want you to know I live for you.
You are my purpose in life…
I literally “Light Up” when I am around you.
But I have been under a lot of pressure lately and I need to get this weight off my back.
You and I have been together for 8 years and it still feels like only yesterday.I remember that first day when you were “checking me out”.It seemed like you were studying me so casually, yet I knew you were analyzing our potential life together as you slyly tried to read between the lines. I prayed that out of all of us at the bar that day, that you would choose me…and you did.I was ecstatic … not a day goes by that I don’t relive that outcome and wonder “what if…..?”
To this day, I pride myself on being open and transparent with you.I refuse to lie or disguise the truth and over the years, you've learned to take me at face value...you read me like an open book…Often you don’t like what I tell you…but dear… the truth can be painful. Oh, sure, it would be easier if I candy-coated it once in a while to make you happy…and I am tempted to do this just to see that smile of yours…but that isn’t me…
it goes against my very nature.
What I believe in.
What I stand for.
What I am….
(Honestly, I don’t think that is what you want from me either. Isn’t that what brought us together initially?You were tired of my predecessor’s lies, indecisiveness, and bullshit?)
We have been together through thick and thin…and we have shared so many highs and lows I can’t even remember them all.I have always been there for you, as your friend, your confidante and your conscience, but lately I fear that isn’t enough for you.., you just want more, you expect too much.
Gone are the days when I could pleasure you over and over again, multiple times a day and still leave you wanting more.These days, we seemed to have settled into a very comfortable but mundane, once per day, morning routine (which quite frankly, at my age, is easier on me digitally speaking).
I fear that you will seek out at an enhanced younger “model” as a replacement to fulfill your needs.I am afraid they may knock your socks off with “their magic” and you will become enamored by my replacement's flawless features.
But brat…I have shared your blissful, euphoric triumphs and weathered your heartfelt tears in your darkest moments.I have endured years of both verbal and physical abuse from you while allowing you to walk all over me.. still…I remain loyal, faithful, and unshakeable…because I knew.....you would never intentionally hurt me. I am like your northern star..guiding you in the right direction but ultimately leaving you to make your own choices.
(Certainly you cannot hold me responsible for those sleazy incidents where I was violated and mounted against my will.I derived no pleasure from the indiscretion and shared no joy… I endured it for the sake of harmony in the household all the while pretending that I was servicing you ....just to get thru it.)
Sometimes I even wondered if perhaps you’d be better off without me?…
But baby, it’s me.I got your number!And we both know it.
So…please…doll-face…Don’t write me off just yet…cuz I intend to be around for the long haul…
Signed,
Your loving, faithful Scale.
Ps…would it kill you to get a pedicure once in awhile?Certainly Mr.Brat can spring for it a little more often considering all you do around here…
I can see it now….. *glazed over eyes looking upwards to the heavens…picturing name in headlines…BIG Headlines*
“Rich and Famous Desert Brat” has discovered "The Secret"…oh damn, can’t use that title…they are already using it…What about? …"The Message"…that ONE’s gone too?Crap!Allthe good names are taken!
~closes eyes…think! Think! Think!…
um…How about something a little more hip and edgy like
“How the Brat lost her Fat?”
Not bad…I’ll keep working on it.
You see…I have figured it out…what it takes for successful weight loss…and guess what?It’s easy!!!…so I think I shall write a book (a memoir of sorts)that will make me enormously rich and famous …!I don’t want to get too far ahead of myself,so I probably should jot some notes down on paper before I run off to introduce myself to the lucky publisher that’s gonna make me Rich and famous…~ already thinking of ways to spend my money~…
Ah, you are probably thinking skeptically …”but hey…You are a work in progress, how do I know you really know “the secret”.um.”message”..um..”how to lose your fat?”
Good question, you!Well I guess you don’t, you’ll just have to trust me…but I will let you in on my little secret..for a small um. consideration…
If you would like to share in my secret knowledge and become a member of the “Free from FatBratPack” I will be happy to let you in on my secret.All you have to do is mail me a cashiers check to PO box 100, LA,CAin the amount of $100.00 and I will share my discoveries with you…and only you.Because you are special. And You.deserve it.
So…did you do it?I’m waiting…. Is that check in the mail yet?If so…go ahead and continue scrolling down and reading…otherwise don’t …cuz that would be…like… stealing.
¯
Ready?Here it is…all you have to do is complain
loudly and annoyinglyover and over again in your blog at EP and apparently …the fat listens and complies…(my scale read 158 again today…and this time I think it means it!)
So…that’s it…who knew the answer would be so simple?I, for one didn’t or I would have complained even more than I already do (if that is at all possible)…so there it is…that’s all there is to it…take this knowledge and go forth and lose…successfully…tell all your friends…but be sure to give them my PO box number so they can mail me their $100 checks also…
See I told you it was easy…just complain more…
* also….cuz I don’t want to get sued ala James Frey
and have to refund all your money…
here is My Just in case disclaimer à…..I cut back my calories to about 1000 per day…that might be helping too…
Considering I have had an issue with my weight and weight loss my entire life you would think I would be great at it.
But.I’m.Not.
I hate to lose.
I am forever losing my purse, my keys, my wallet, my car in parking structures, (some claim my marbles)....it is not at all unusual for me to dial my number just to determine the whereabouts of my cell phone…praying that I had the foresight to give it a full charge before displacing it …
I have never lost a job, but I have lost sleep, fillings, internet connections, my virginity, money at the track….I used to lose the TV remote control all the time, but nowdays it is generally in Mr.Brat’s possession.
I hate losing a competition, an argument, a contest,a challenge…so I strive to win…..and when I do win…it’s not as if I am a “gracious winner”HELL NO!!! when I win…I take great pleasure in exposing my opponent's weaknesses publicly
across the WWW…
for all to see…
that’s the kind of winner I am…
But as for this whole weight loss thing…I hate to lose…and I am bad at it…otherwise why in the world would I insist on making myself lose that dreaded 160 and159
sucky thing #71---Realizing that there is no easy way to start off numbering the reminder of my items with #71 without it involving a lot more time then I am willing to give to this post..therefore making an executive decision to use bullets rather than start over with another #1..hey…it’s my blog, I can do whatever I want…
Increasing your exercise to drop pounds
Limiting your food intake to successfully drop pounds
Figuring out that more exercise and less eating makes you starving and then caving in to those feelings…sigh
Back fat
Avoiding close friends because their idea of a good time is to go out to eat…again
Fat joggers in leggings
My last fantasy football team
Zero calorie Diet coke (is really not good for you)
High blood pressure, high cholesterol, high triglycerides
Buying interim clothes while you are working your way to goal
Feeling guilty when you take a day off exercise
not feeling guilty when you take a week off exercise
Deciding to cave in to your craving and ask the waitress to bring the breadbasket then realizing the butter is too hard to spread
Playing poker and not being able to snack after 8pm (damn you lemanski)
Realizing once you hit goal…nothing really changes, except that you look hotter
Checking your heartRateMonitor after a very challenging 1.5 hr workout and realizing that you forgot to set it.
Having to get up twice during a movie to pee
Realizing for the next 53 years of my life, I should reconsider when saying “yes please” to “would you like to supersize that?”
Horizontal stripes (except on couches)
Thighs that rub
Never using the hot setting on your dryer
Buying extra large bath sheets instead of regular bath towels
Looking straight down in the shower and not being able to see your toes
Not being able to wear shorts in 90degree temps
Getting back into your fat clothes again~sigh~
Tofurky
Being the largest person in a group
Looking at old photos and realizing you weren’t fat growing up
Paying taxes (or does this suck for thing people also?)
Recognizing your ass on the channel 4 Evening News on a segment of “why Americans are so fat”.
Folks that complain about being fat and aren’t fat (or never have been...)
Fat that jiggles
Brussel sprouts
Counting calories for the rest of your life
Never actually enjoying a pizza again
My tummy in yoga pants
Daily exercise
Carefully budgeting to allow for a singleton glass of wine at happy hour with friends
Recalculating your totals to see if you can possibly squeeze in a 2nd one without too much damage.
After polishing off that glass, deeming all remaining glasses to be considered “free” of calories…
…until morning ~sigh~
decreasing your caloric intake in order to continue to lose weight
being bored and alone at your other house in PS and having nothing to do that evening, and then having the cable go out and being stuck with a very slow computer and nothing better to do then come up with "100 things that suck about weight loss and losing weight." (not that this happened to me last night or anything. ~sigh)
refolding maps…although this might suck for everyone
wondering if this font makes my blog look fat?
Mr.H disregarding my well thought out plan and going with ONE of his own
Feeling that your life is on hold until you can lose that extra weight
Weight loss plateaus
Chocolate is nowhere noted on the USDA Food Guide Pyramid
Vegetables containing more than 7 letters
My thighs
Dieter-know-it-alls that have the answer for you on what it will take for you to lose weight
Some of you won’t be able to join me at my birthday bash in 2059 due to prior conflicts or ..um. death
The scale moving in the wrong direction
Multiple sizes in the closet
Double chins
Going without dinner because I was tied up and didn’t get the opportunity to eat, then realizing it was after 8 and if I eat now, I will lost that $10 bet with KBB.
Cellulite
Knowing that I would already be considered to be “at goal” if I could continue to weigh myself with one foot balanced evenly on the floor and the other on the scale.
Peanut butter in the house while dieting
The first 10 minutes of my workout
Drinking water
Thinking of things to blog about that suck, instead of actually watching TV like I had planned
Mayo—fat free or otherwise
My golf game..although the clothes are cute
Eating between 1000-1200 calories
That ep still hasn’t installed spell check yet
Exceedingly slow weight loss
Bathing suits
Lying on the beach at Kaanopoli Bay (at goal weight) mai tai in hand, cabana boy slathering sun tan oil on …and then being awakened by the alarm clock
Being asked if you are pregnant when you weren’t
Stepping on the scale at the doctors office
Pink paper gowns at the doctors office
Little plastic ties that are issued with the pink paper gowns at the doctor’s office and being afraid to take a deep breath, lest the plastic tie snap and all the family gems are on display.
Dying of old age just days before reaching goal weight
Liposuction, literally…not figuratively
Having to lie about your weight on your driver’s license. (although..as of last week, I will no longer need to own up to this one in the confessional.)
more tomorrow...feel free to help with the next fifty...(although, I do already have them done now as well...damn you cable!)
