seriously!

Bailout

Tuesday, October 30, 2007 23:05:12

To: Department of Health and Human Services

Dear Surgeon General,

It has come to my attention that over 62% of adults in the US (ages 25-64) are considered to be obese, or to be more specific 161,072,330 by US census statistics. This has been a “growing” problem (hee, hee get it?…) in America over the past decades and you yourself have actually had to declare a “War on Obesity”. Since I am not a big fan of any type of war, I have given this a lot of thought on the matter (okay at least the last hour or so when I realized that I needed a blog entry today) and I believe I could have a solution to get us out of this war successfully and with a swift “exit strategy”.

Since bailouts seem to be all the rage today, I would like to stick with this focus and offer my own viable approach to ending this war once and for all.

Say for example you were to collect, say, 800,000,000,000 (why be outdone by the treasury department?) of the unused calories that are just floating around in the air by those that can be identified as “small framed”, “tiny” and “sizes 0-6’s” and were to bundle them up and distribute them to “WE” the over endowed? hell Ashley, Marykate and Calista can supply a whole bunch of these alone, imagine if all of Hollywood were to donate theirs?That way, if those of us that actually enjoy eating something more tasty than cardboard were to over-indulge on occasion we could just utilize the spare calories issued to us from the bailout.

So say for instance, that I would like to lose 25 lbs by my birthday. That means that my portion of the bailout would amount to 87,500 calories. (hardly a dent in that 800,000,000,000 you have currently on hand.) With these numbers you would be able to bailout an estimated 9,142,857 folks across the nation.

But the good news is, it doesn’t end there. Once those 9 million folks are at their proper weight, they too could donate their extra calories back, whereby creating a windfall of enormous fashion that can be distributed across the rest of the nation…hell, maybe the world…(you might even be granted the Nobel Peace Prize for your efforts in saving lives here).

And the best part is, this proposal won’t cost taxpayers a cent!!! It is free for the taking…(although, come to think of it…we probably won’t even need that proposed $700,000,0000 treasury bailout when you figure all of these skinny folks are going to need new size appropriate clothing..thereby spending their hard earned dollars on a new wardrobe and thereby strengthening the economy…and the good news here is, unlike the treasury bailout “We will actually have something tangible to show for our money”.)

Just a thought,

Brat

(I really should consider a job in politics. Washington could use someone with my sharp skills.)

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ghosts in the night

Tuesday, October 30, 2007 23:01:13

Special message to the person/s who secretly BOO’d my house sometime around 10:00pm last night and left that catchy poem and lovely gift basket:

First off, thank you for thinking of me (I prefer to believe that I was your first choice and not the only door on our block that didn’t already have a “You’ve been Boo’d” sign on their door). What a lovely gesture! I was so impressed with the halloweeny bag you used; it was truly one of a kind.

And the contents, well…let me just say, you simply cannot own enough spider infused kitchen towels, glow in the dark liquid bath soap or small porcelain pumpkin shaped candleholders. I am quite sure that is a lovely bottle of chardonnay and can hardly wait to try it, but since I drink only cab’s and Mr.Brat feels his drinking days are behind him now, it will just have to wait until one of our many get togethers in the near future. (To be completely honest here, I did think that the wax teeth were a little over the top, but you just never know when they might come in handy.)

Now…the downside to having been “boo’d”.

I hate to look a gift ghost in the mouth, but those little snickers bars that were strewn all around the bottom of the bag…um….well, that was just plain mean of you. Oh sure, they are cute and all..and so small one can hardly imagine that anyone could take exception to them…but the fact is…there were a bunch of them and …I am trying to diet these days….so when you add those two together coupled with the fact that it was around 10pm at night and I had been searching for a nighttime snack…well lets just say there are 3 less snickers bars right now. (Of course I dreamed of them all night and this morning when I got up the first thing I thought of were all of those snickers bars and I rushed downstairs only to find they were missing…I am thinking mrbrat had a bit of a chocolate party after I went to bed or he blessedly has hidden them from me..but either way…they are no longer a problem.)

2ndly…I now have to run out and buy multiple gifts, bags, towels, candy etc to recreate two more bags to leave on neighbor’s doorsteps tonight and I really didn’t have this all worked into my plans today…ah…but things change.

But most importantly…if and when Christmas rolls around and you again try to “Grinch” me (as I did you last year)…please keep in mind that I will still be on a diet, I drink Cab’s or better yet a two liter of diet coke, and that carrots and celery sticks would be more welcomed.

Oh…and maybe a Coach bag too.

Thanks,

Brat.

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silent treatment

Wednesday, October 31, 2007 00:08:20

So yesterday, Mr.Brat and I offered to take Mr.(dearlydeparted)BFF out to dinner for his birthday. Knowing this wouldn’t be the best of birthdays after have just lost his wife, we wanted to make sure he had something to do on this tough day…(plus DD Bff would have wanted me to do this I think).

I had been a rockstar as of late with my dieting efforts, so I figured this too would be no problem, hell, I can order a soup and salad with the best of them! ..skip that glass of wine with dinner? Sure-no problem, iced tea works just fine, thankyou.

I didn’t really give it much thought when Mr.Brat asked where should we eat tonight? I threw out a couple of suggestions that were quickly shot down and finally decided to turn it over… make it a “guy” thing and let the two of them decide….

Mr.Brat narrowed it down to 3 choices—well known <Steak house>, DD Bff ‘s favorite <Fish House>, and local, trendy <Italian cuccina > and then he let MrDDBFF decide. An hour or so later we were seated in a corner booth at local, trendy <Italian Cuccina>.

Carmella drops off our menus, explains the specials and takes our drink order…this is all going just fine so far, cuz remember? I have a plan…soup and salad….easy.

My mind was totally wrapped around this whole idea when I perused the menu of possible choices for the “next” time I visited…Carmella is back now, swiftly and efficiently jotting down our choices as Mr.Brat and Mr.DDBFF order up. Um…my turn now…

Brat’s mouth: um, yes please…I’ll try the manicotti, side salad with blue cheese dressing and an iced tea.

Brat’s brain: um…WTF?…we had a plan! Remember?

Brat’s mouth: it could have been worse, I could have ordered that wine I wanted followed by a dessert, they have great cannoli here.

~sigh~

brat.

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life goes on

Wednesday, October 31, 2007 00:04:18

Life’s been tough again…but I am definitely on the mend and finally back on track…I had a good week this past week and will be back soon to update my stats that are over thereà because they are just plain wrong...but first a bit about where I've been.

Two open letters:

One to Santa Claus, one to Ovarian Cancer

Dear Santa,

Remember when I made that that LIST awhile back, asking for all those things I thought I couldn’t possibly live without during 2007? And remember later that same entry, I followed up with a revised list with just that ONE special item on it? Remember? No really, remember?

Because really…that was what I REALLY wanted! I didn’t care so much about those other things…just that one item and I promised that would make me happy…well, would make all of us happy, it was the only thing any of us wanted..

So what, was it too much for you? you just blew me off? Because that doesn’t seem fair to me…it was all I wanted and it seemed so selfless at the time…and it meant so much…

I know that there were a couple of token items on my original list that I did end up with, but let’s be honest here…those were actually given to me by Mr.Brat..not you..so don’t ya think you could have tried a little harder here? Because today, I really wished you had listened.

Brat

And to you, Ovarian Cancer:

What was the point? Why her? Why my friend?…it looked like she had you under control for a while! Why didn’t you just leave her alone? She never did anything to you. She refused to give into you, refused to acknowledge that you had any power over her…. she did everything just like her doctors told her to do… “a mere inconvenience” she called you…so I just don’t get it…..

So today, just 2 months to the day since you took her, instead of Mr.Brat and I celebrating her husband’s birthday with her…instead we joined him in a nice LONG WALK on the beach and we thought about her, but mostly we thought about how much we hate you.

And, I just wanted you to know…I miss my friend.

Brat

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words of wisdom

Monday, December 3, 2007 00:09:14

So …what brings you here today? He asks. studying my chart.

I survey the informational posters hanging on the pale yellow walls, shift my butt on the scratchy butcher paper lining the uncomfortable examining table and take a deep breath in.

“Doc…I’m not sure what to do here…I am having a hard time correctly identifying my problem so I thought I’d better check with a professional…you see I am not sure exactly when or where I lost it or maybe I broke it…I just don’t know…but the thing is …it’s gone..

Vanished

ka-put

MIA…

And I wanted your help to relocate it and put it back. Where it was. Before. ”

It all started about a year ago…when I had an overwhelming amount of OPS dropped on me…(other people’s shit) and since then I just haven’t been able to remember where or when the last time I saw it was. I was just sitting there minding my own life…loosing weight, purchasing new sizes for my ever expanding wardrobe, exercising my butt off..—(literally) - when all of a sudden…WH A M!!! it was

Gone

/broken

/missing…

and now I want it back…My FUNNY BONE…it’s nowhere to be found!

At first I thought perhaps it was a case of early Alzheimer’s or a skooooch of dementia kicking in…like maybe I had just misplaced it in the back of my closet and would find it next to my purple sweater that went missing awhile back..…but I waited and waited…and I am beginning to believe it may just be gone for good.

Or could it be I broke it?…I mean…would that be visible in an x-ray? Because if so, I’d be willing to let you splint and cast it if you thought that would help set it back in place correctly…

Doc takes a deep breath in…and says “ I hate to tell you this brat, but it’s not misplaced and it’s not broken…I am afraid it goes deeper than that…I believe it’s there but layered under the 25lbs of fat you put back on over the last year. I think it’s just suffocating itself…like it wants back out but is buried in blubber…and until you start dropping that weight again, it may not be able to find it’s way back to the surface for awhile.”

Yes, it knows that a bunch of shit happened to you last year that contributed to you throwing in the towel but quite frankly your dog dying, relocating your parents closer to you, your husband suffering a minor heart attack, your parents caregiver embezzling thousands of dollars from them because you weren’t paying close enough attention to their finances, going thru the holidays with hospice in the house, the funeral, and now getting your dad squared away with a new rescue dog to keep his mind occupied is really not a reason to give up on yourself.!

And I do believe if they had laptops in heaven your mom would be sending you an email telling you the same thing I am saying to you right now…

GET OFF YOUR BUTT, GET SOME EXERCISE AND START LOSING THAT WEIGHT… (mom always did have a way with words!!!! may she rest in peace..…)

brat....

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sucking it up

Wednesday, November 1, 2006 21:01:20

Brat: So I’ve been thinking of changing things up around here this year

Stomach: <low moan>

Brat: honestly, just a small modification really, you’ll hardly notice…

Stomach: <deeper gurgle>

Brat: Seriously…I was thinking you might actually enjoy the variation a bit…

Stomach <louder grumble, followed by a sharp pain to the rib area>

Brat: Don’t think of it that way…It’s not like I don’t appreciate all you have put up with these last 6 months…you’ve been a rock star…the way you handled pretty much anything I threw at you…Hell…if I’d entered you in a local pie eating contest over the holidays, you would have left the others in the dust..um …whipped cream…Let’s face it… you coulda won a freakin gold medal at the Olympics if this was in fact one of the events… …but here’s the thing…the Holidays are over and you are starting to look a little worse for wear lately…I hate to say this but you are looking very pudgy and bloated….Spilling over the top of the largest pair of jeans in our closet just isn’t working for us and lately you seem to have this permanent imprint just below our belly button that reads “s-n-a-e-J”. There is no nice way to say this but this is so NOT a good look on us! and …don’t take this wrong, but short of a moo-moo I am not sure there could be a good look on us right now…

Stomach: <very loud snarl of protest followed by an intense bellyache>

Brat: Hey! …Lighten up here! I’m not talking about going under the knife or anything…I was just thinking it might be helpful if I started throwing back a couple of vegetables and maybe a salad here and there. Oh, and don’t go getting your hopes up that you can pull a fast one on me to get me to throw in the towel ..cuz here’s the thing…I have Tums and I know how to use them. Sure, I know, your panties are all in a bunch right now…but that is exactly why I am doing this…nothing fits anymore. I hate to seem rigid and unyielding and I know this is making you uncomfortable…but so are those jeans… I need you to tighten your belt and buckle down here and deal with it…this is the way it’s gonna be so suck it up.

Seriously,

brat

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07’s pains and gains

Wednesday, November 1, 2006 22:09:21

So I know no one really cares about Brat’s year in review …hell, there are millions of much more interesting blogs out there that carry an entertainment value much higher than this one…but as it works out this little corner of the web has been earmarked for me so I may as well take advantage of it.

So here is my story about me. I used to post here. I used to post here a lot, I used to eat well, lose weight and be proud of my accomplishments. But that was before. Long ago. In what seemed like someone else’s life. Actually is was just a matter of a handful of months ago …but it was back in my other life. …but those days are gone…my old blog friends pop by once in awhile to wish me well…but for the most part, since I am not willing to do the work to maintain either my health or my friendships many of those have slipped away as well.

At the beginning of the year, I was 20lbs lighter and was feeling wonderful about myself. I was far from skinny, but my clothes fit fine, I felt good and was thoroughly enjoying my life. But things changed….and my focus and energy were needed elsewhere. I had to change my life to accommodate others needs.

This last year I had a close friend diagnosed with cancer, found myself spending far to many hours driving back and forth to my parent’s house in order to help them as they aged “less than gracefully”..ultimately convincing them it would be in all of our best interests if they were to relocate nearer to me so I could help more regularly…this did occur but involved a lot of work, buying a house, selling a house, packing a house while downsizing, locating financing etc. All of this would have been okay had ANY of my siblings been on board and willing to help…but that’s another story and another blog…suffice it to say I no longer speak to my siblings again adding more to my grief. My husband developed some health issues and required medical care (he’s doing fine now, thanks for asking) …my dog of 17 years died…and not being able to deal with it I immediately ran out and bought a puppy…did you know puppies don’t come housebroken? …augh….then of course there was the health issues of the ‘rents… while my dad hangs in there my mom is now at home with hospice care…

All of this I mention only because I have found it a convenient excuse to have packed on 20lbs in 6 months all because of my very special life…

But that was in 07…

And things will be changing in 08…

So I am back…with my new year’s resolution to put me first this year. I will update my weight here soon…have already dropped a couple lbs in the last few days…hopefully with all your help I can get back where I was …before…when life was good.

Seriously,

brat

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tooth fairy

Monday, October 30, 2006 23:00:11

Dear Dr. Valdez, DDS

My client Mrs.Brat, has retained my services as her attorney of record and has lodged a formal complaint against you with my office. Although the alleged abuse occurred many decades ago, it has continued to cause undue hardship throughout her entire adult life.

My client states that she endured unnecessary pain and suffering at your hand when she was taken to your office to have some pre-orthodontia work performed. At the time, it was determined that in order for her to obtain the “picture perfect smile” some required tooth extractions would be necessary. According to you sir, my client’s mouth was far “too dainty” to accommodate all of her adult teeth so it was recommended that her 4 incisor teeth (plus one baby tooth that appeared to be hanging on for dear life) be removed.

Let me state for the record sir, that despite my client’s ten year old status, she was totally opposed to having this procedure performed. Undeterred by this serious difference of opinion you continued to push forward with the extractions and performed them against her will. No amount of this minor’s screaming, pleading, begging or crying discouraged you from your primary objective and just minutes later, my client was left with an ice pack and 5 less teeth in her “dainty little mouth”.

Today my client has “the picture perfect smile” just as you stated she would. My client’s concerns lie not with the fact that she no longer has access to the 5 teeth that were so violently eradicated from her jaw, but rather to the selection process of said teeth that were excised.

Since the determination was left entirely up to you, could you not have included her “sweet tooth” as one of those procured? A lifetime of monitored eating and controlled consumption could possibly have been avoided had you not performed this simple task.

Therefore, as a proposed settlement, we request that you immediately reinstate said teeth in my client’s mouth and correctly identify and dethrone my client’s sweet tooth in it’s stead.

Signed…

Legal counsel for Mrs.Brat.

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forever and always

Friday, December 8, 2006 22:04:19

My dearest Will…

I never imagined I would be writing to you, desperately trying to convey how deeply I regret the way things ended between us.

You and I were perfect together Everyone that knew me was so jealous of our relationship. They all wanted what we had…and why shouldn’t they? We were great together.

But somehow I let you slip away. I took you for granted and took far too many liberties in our relationship. When I suggested a “temporary break” you went along with me, without so much as a raised eyebrow. I never expected it to last forever. And now I would give anything to just get you back…

Baby…I need you back!

My friends are at a loss on how to help me. They make lighthearted suggestions on what I can do to be happy again and get back to the old me…but my heart just isn’t into it…At dinner the other night Peppermint and Roadrash casually mentioned that perhaps I could contact you and see if I still might have a chance…and if so…maybe we can give us another try? but how could I tell them?…you want nothing to do with me after the way I dumped you…you moved on and I was going to just have to do this on my own..

I just wanted you to know…I miss you. I long for the days I dreamed of the two of us running through life together. We had a common bond and were both passionate about achieving it. Success meant everything to each of us. Nowadays I know you no longer can find the time for me…but I hope that one day soon things change and you can again identify me as the future Mrs.Will Power.

Brat…

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Me and my big Mouth!

Wednesday, December 6, 2006 22:00:14

What have I done? You trusted me to be discreet and now I’ve blown it. I am ashamed and embarrassed. I don’t know what came over me, but for some reason I felt compelled to bare it ALL. Expose you…share your secret. And now I don’t know how to fix it. Just believe me, underneath it all I meant you no harm.

You see I have kept this under wraps for years. I never really understood your requests for confidentiality…in my mind, I feel you should be proud of your accomplishments and how much you have grown! How far you have come! I’m not sure if it’s a self-esteem issue with you or what, but seriously, you underestimate yourself. You have nothing to hide.

Right from the start I knew you and I would be close. We were meant to be together. We were a perfect fit. God sent me an angel and I felt blessed. You sized me up correctly from the second we met and helped rebuild my shattered confidence and self esteem. You offered me comfort and support at a most crucial period in my life. I had begun to feel inadequate and you lifted my spirits immediately. I was secure again. (Not to mention very sexy.)

You shared your own private, most intimate, most revealing secrets with me…and I love you for that. You have been so supportive and flexible and have made a visible difference in me. Certainly I wouldn’t begin to say that our relationship hasn’t been without a steep price to me as well. But you are worth it! I believe in YOU!

So Victoria I am sorry….I have shared your secret yet again. Although for the life of me, I am still not sure why you want to keep it a secret.!

Seriously,

Brat

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