So …what brings you here today?He asks. studying my chart.
I survey the informational posters hanging on the pale yellow walls, shift my button the scratchy butcher paper lining the uncomfortable examining table and take a deep breath in.
“Doc…I’m not sure what to do here…I am having a hard time correctly identifying my problem so I thought I’d better check with a professional…you see I am not sure exactly when or where I lost it or maybe I broke it…I just don’t know…but the thing is …it’s gone..
Vanished
ka-put
MIA…
And I wanted your help to relocate it and put it back. Where it was. Before. ”
It all started about a year ago…when I had an overwhelming amount of OPS dropped on me…(other people’s shit) and since then I just haven’t been able to remember where or when the last time I saw it was.I was just sitting there minding my own life…loosing weight, purchasing new sizes for my ever expanding wardrobe, exercising my butt off..—(literally) - when all of a sudden…WH A M!!!it was
Gone
/broken
/missing…
andnow I want it back…My FUNNY BONE…it’s nowhere to be found!
At first I thought perhaps it was a case of early Alzheimer’s or a skooooch of dementia kicking in…like maybe I had just misplaced it in the back of my closet and would find it next to my purple sweater that went missing awhile back..…but I waited and waited…and I am beginning to believe it may just be gone for good.
Or could it beI broke it?…I mean…would that be visible in an x-ray?Because if so, I’d be willing to let you splint and cast it if you thought that would help set it back in place correctly…
Doc takes a deep breath in…and says “ I hate to tell you this brat, but it’s not misplaced and it’s not broken…I am afraid it goes deeper than that…I believe it’s there but layered under the 25lbs of fat you put back on over the last year.I think it’s just suffocating itself…like it wants back out but is buried in blubber…and until you start droppingthat weight again, it may not be able to find it’s way back to the surfacefor awhile.”
Yes, it knows that a bunch of shit happened to you last year that contributed to you throwing in the towel but quite frankly your dog dying, relocating your parents closer to you, your husband suffering a minor heart attack, your parents caregiver embezzling thousands of dollars from them because you weren’t paying close enough attention to their finances, going thru the holidays with hospice in the house, the funeral, and now getting your dad squared away with a new rescue dog to keep his mind occupied is really not a reason to give up on yourself.!
And I do believe if they had laptops in heaven your mom would be sending you an email telling you the same thing I am saying to you right now…
GET OFF YOUR BUTT, GET SOME EXERCISE AND START LOSING THAT WEIGHT… (mom always did have a way with words!!!!may she rest in peace..…)
brat....
Posted By: desertbrat
Comments to this post:
03/09/2008 16:02
Oh, girl!
I am so sorry. I didn't realize your mom had passed away. You have definitely had one hell of a year. My thoughts are definitely with you.
It's good to hear from you. I'm glad you were able to get some of that out!
It was under the table at Marie Callendar's Grill. When we were at dinner the other night I kicked it and then I realized what it was so I put it back in your purse without you noticing.
Go and look....I am sure it is there.
Honey, I know you have had a hell of a year. I know what it is like to put on some weight again...as you have personally seen. HOWEVER, you will feel a lot better just mentally if you just START TO MOVE AGAIN!!! Things have settled a bit so be like Nike....and just do it.
Love you so much and sorry for the trauma. But now that we have your funny bone back and it is on the mend, you will feel better more and more.
It is always good to hear from you, Joey. It's been too long. You know I miss you; sorry I took you and a million other "deserters" off my friends list. I "unhid" you-you're back on.
I had no idea that your mom passed away! I am so sorry. My heart aches for you. I knew you were having a terrible year, but it was worse than I ever could have imagined!! Losing my mom, as you know, is still by far the absolute worst thing that has ever happend to me. It will be 2 years next month. I miss her so much that it physically hurts.
Thanks for stopping by to say hi. I hope you get your life together soon and get back on track. And try to keep in touch more!
Hey, welcome back lady! I'm so glad to see you back on EP! You will officially be on my friends list. :) I'm sorry I didn't have you on there before. I recently refreshed the whole thing and ended up dropping a few who I thought might not come back.
I'm sorry to hear about all you've had to endure over the last year. That's a lot weighing on your shoulders. I wish you the best of luck for this new year. Keep motivated and keep blogging!
I, too, am experiencing the loss of the funnybone. Now, I've never been as brilliantly witty as you are with the words .... but I do remember laughing more and not being so serious. I now treat everything almost as if it were a project, rather than an opportunity. I don't joke around as much with friends. I've EVEN been told I'm crabbier than I used to be. I don't know. It's very disturbing. One thing that may be related is my weightloss..maybe there is something to the saying "skinny b i t c h"!!
About those laptops in heaven? Rumor has it, God made a deal with a computer manufacturer (wouldn't say which one) and EVERY one up there has access to one with cool features not found down here. Supposedly those laptops can send text directly into the mind of an earthbound loved one! We're supposed to be able to receive the text in the form of those videos/pictures we play in our mind, or when we remember a phrase a loved one used to say.... I think that means your loved ones must have been up there hitting the SUBMIT SUBMIT SUBMIT button until their voice, thought, "photo" was sent into your thoughts. Isn't technology great
I "unhid" you-you're back on. 