OMG!!! I have been reading this book called skinny bitch and it literally made me sick. Its talking about doing vegan and everything, I dont know what I could commit to that completely, BUT it is insane what goes on in slaughterhouses. And the USDA lets it happen because they are getting the money for the mass production so why would they want to slow down production and have these animals put down HUMANELY?? Huge conflict of interest. Its horrible, talks about how they are supposed to "stun" the cows and pigs with a bolt that is shot into the skull and pulled back out again, but it doesnt work most of the time and the animals are conscious when they get their throats slit, screaming, pigs are dipped alive in boiling water used to scald the hair off of them, there was one worker that was quoted talking about how he cut the end of a pigs nose off just for the hell of it, then when it finally stopped screaming, he decided he wanted it to scream more so he shoved salt brine on the open wound. WTF??!!! Are you serious??!! They cut the beaks off chickens with a hot knife, they are kept in cages so cramped that their feel grow around the wired bottom of the cage. These animals are dragged into these places, hearing their fellow animals screaming and dying. So when we eat them, we are eating that fear, that adrenaline, that hopelessness. Its terrible. Makes me want to hunt those workers in those slaughter houses down and slow them how it feels. People really need to read this book, it definitely gives you a new opinion on what you put in your mouth.
Well, I did have a recent downfall. But I think I may be headed in the right direction again. Its just so frustrating when you have absolutely no support. My boyfriend doesnt seem to get that I cant have just one bite of something sweet and fattening. I didnt get to the weight that I am now by taking one bite of something and putting it down afterwards. So when he offers me sweets like he did this weekend, I feel like he thinks its a joke. I know he doesnt see what I see, and I am glad or else he wouldnt be with me. But it should be important to him, if for no other reason, just because its important to me. And its not just him. My mother for instance, tries to shovel bad for me food down my throat every chance she gets. Today she got fast food and ordered me a large of course. Said it was just easier for her to order that for me.... Why? I have no idea. I think I am going to sit down right now and write a to do list to get the ball rolling on this. I have come to the conclusion that I absolutely CAN NOT depend on other people to help me with this. At least not at home. I am tired of them knocking me down all the time. Its so depressing. I was never the push over type before I had kids. So I need to get back to thinking about myself and doing what makes me happy.
Well here lately I have been binging. I mean insane amounts. If there was more food here I guarantee I would have eaten it. I think I am just depressed and feel hopeless...
Have to go tomorrow and get checked again for cervical cancer. Apparently the cells have grown substantially since last time, and the docs are worried. Get to be chopped on and scraped AGAIN. It was terrible the last time. I think I'd rather just have the cancer.
I wish to God that I could eat whatever I wanted it. Its not fair. Why do some people get to eat anything and stay skinny while people like me can just look at food and gain weight. Its so unfair and discouraging. I just feel like giving up and letting go.
Ya know, I am getting rather irritated at myself. I cant seem to stay motivated and it is killing my self esteem. I am SICK of this. All the emotional eating bs has got to stop. I have begged the boyfriend to be more supportive, but he is no help at all. He can skip a meal a day and lose 10 lbs a week. My mom bitches about me taking the phen 37.5's but she doesnt understand. She prances around in her size fives and does understand why this is important to me. I have never really focused on myself, its always my daughters or the boyfriend or someone else I care about and maybe that is where I have gone wrong. I dont know how to set up a workout schedule, I dont know how I am supposed to eat. UGH!!!! I mean, you can ask me ANYTHING on weightloss and I can just about answer it for you because I am genuinely obsessed. I have looked up all the info I can over the years and I read it and understand it, but it doesnt seem like I can do it. Or when it comes to what to eat, I could read it ten times over and it not register. You throw words like fiber and protein in there and my brain just shuts down. Its like high school algebra all over again.
Well, I am new to this, but I have been a member of BuddySlim.com for a while. I am tired of being unhappy with myself. I am here to fix that. I miss being energetic and happy like I used to be and my daughters deserve that. I know that no one can fix this but me. I am so fed up. Food is not worth this. I am here to motivate myself and become the person I want to be and I wont stop until I get what I deserve.
