So Geeked

I am officially back on. Monday, I put in my 40 minutes on the elliptical at the gym. I recently joined Weight Watchers, so I stayed on my points and everything. Today, so far so good. My trainer kicked my bottom hard core this morning. I have already arranged to meet with her until my father goes in for surgery. I want to start off well, then when I get to the hospital...carry it over with walks...etc.

I feel better. I have more energy and feel lighter. It has only been two days. If working out and eating well makes you feel so much better, why do we ever stop? I also got word I can pick up my bike today. I can't wait!

Riding Free

I don't know what it is...but I have been dying to get back on a bike. I don't know if it is all the new stress in my life, or if it is the multitude of others I see riding their bikes, but it has been a call that I have been trying to ignore for most of the summer. I own a bike, but it hasn't been ridden in a few years. It has always had a problem with the tires going flat and it is a little too tall for me. I have been looking at getting a new bike...but the ones I like are around $500. I just can't afford to swallow that right now.

So, I have gone through the summer just staring and daydreaming while others have been riding their bikes. I love the feeling of riding a bike. The breeze through your hair. The speed you can get when you are cruising down a hill. I have chihuahuas, so often I put them in the basket and they ride with me. Usually, I bike some where and journal or do a little fun activity. Sometimes I would bike for hours, sometimes just for a quarter hour. When I lost nearly 100lbs in my teens, I did it primarily by bike riding. It is the only activity I have ever fully embraced.

On Saturday, I couldn't take it anymore. I went out and grabbed my old bike. I knocked off the cobwebs and leaves, it was gross. The tires were almost completely off the wheels, and there were some signs of rust and a whole lot of dust. Still, holding the bike in my hands gave me a giddy little girl feeling. Maybe this old bike wasn't so bad, maybe all it needs is a little bit of love.

I took it to a local bike shop and the technicial assured me that the bike wasn't beyond repair. For $95 he would have it in working order by Wednesday. I was estatic by the prospect.

In a time where I know I will have to be a caregiver for someone else, and know that my life will not be my own...taking some time to ride a bike is an activity I can selfishly do just for myself.  I can use it to get away, even if it is just down the block...from everything and everyone else.

It is just a bonus that it might help me lose a few pounds too.

Critical Mass

It has been awhile since my last posting, mostly because something dramatic happened. My father was diagnosed with colorectal cancer. My mother died of the same cancer 6 years ago. He was having some symptoms, so I convinced him to go in and get tested...yet nothing really prepares you to hear a diagnosis of cancer.

The crappy thing about colorectal cancer is that it is completely preventable. If both of my parents would have had a colonoscopy at the the recommended age of 50, they wouldn't have had to deal with this. It is also a cancer that is heavily influenced by your diet, weight, insulin resistance, smoking and a host of other environmental factors you can control.

The diagnosis has been a huge wake up call..combined with the fact that I just went to an amusement park for the first time in a decade and I couldn't fit in the the roller coaster seats. At the end of the Biggest Loser competition, I would have been able to do it, but the pounds I packed on recently kept the seat belts from buckling. Nothing is more embarrasing...especially when your good friends are sitting there watching you go through it.

There is so much shame and guilt in being fat. I feel like a burden. By not taking care of myself, I don't only hurt me but the ones I love. The more hurt I feel or ashamed, the more I crave... It is an endless cycle of stupidity. Now, I have to worry about being a caregiver again. When I did that with my mother, I blew up 100lbs. I don't want to live that way again.

How do you get your rational brain to override the emotional roller coaster that constantly derails me? I have to figure something out... My life is on the line.

Time to Face the Scale

So, I did all that hard work to lose over 50 lbs...and what do I do...screw it up! Somehow I just fell off the wagon. At first, I just began to eat a little less cautiously...then I just went to the gym less....next thing you know, I am eating very badly, drinking too much alcohol, and not working out at all. I am almost back to where I started from...and for what?

I am heading to the gym right now to try to get back on course. I hate the fact that I am seeing 300s again.

Can Snacking Sooth the Anxious Soul?

Somewhere in the last week, I am totally been off my gym regimine. I still go in for a proper ass beating once a week with my trainer, but I haven't been back again. This week, I have been fighting being super busy and just needing to sleep in the mornings. Not good excuses, but hey, life gets in the way. It doesn't help that my diet is almost entirely like what it was before the competition.

In all this doom and gloom, a silver lining does appear. As a girl who has not dated really ever before, I have been on three dates in three weeks. One of them being a second date. This has been a good thing, since I really want to be in a relationship... but, it has wrecked my diet. I just get so nervous and worked up about going out that I can't stop eating.

Maybe it is some form of self sabotage. As much as I want to be in a relationship, I really don't want to give up my independence either. Maybe I am looking for rejection to give me an excuse to throw up my hands and say I am fat and ugly and will always be fat and ugly.

I am seriously contemplating signing up for Weight Watchers again. I figure it might help me on the food end. I need to make this something that is at the forefront of my mind. I don't know, we'll see. I really want to lose this weight.

Hovering

In recent weeks, I have truely been out of my hard core weight loss pattern. To be honest, I don't miss it. Journaling my calories, working out two to three times a day, and restricting my beloved pastries sucked. Although they have extend the competition to July for a 24 week weigh in, I am almost completed unmotivated by it. This would be okay, other than I still have over 100 pounds to lose. I have still been working out, but that has only been voiding out the poor food I have shoveled down my mouth.

I was in a Body Pump class tonight at the gym, and although I have lost so much...I looked around and saw I was still the fattest person by far in the room. I have started to just feel like it is inevitable that I am the fat girl in the room. I still pressed on, but that kind of stuff pinches ya. After the class, a girl commented that several of the contestants never came back to the gym after the final weigh in. She said she would understand why someone who got kicked out in the first five weeks wouldn't come back... I got kicked out in the fourth week..but she attributed my dedication to working out to my relationship with the guy who ended up being the Biggest Loser.

I thought about that for a minute, and that statement kind of bothered me. Not that I think she meant anything hurtful by it. True, there is no way I probably would have been able to do as much or even has lost as much without the support of my friend... but I had a big role to play in the whole thing as well.  To think that I would torture myself for weeks for anyone other than myself is semi crazy. It almost negates everything I have been trying to create. The whole belief that I am worth doing it whether anyone is going to do it with me or not.

Now, that is not to say that anyone can do it alone. The biggest difference about why weight loss has worked for me now as oppose to all those other times is because I had such strong support from my friends, co-workers and family...the biggest supportor being Nick...who is the Biggest Loser. There have been many a neurotic moment that he has been able to walk me through. Trust me. Still he might be one of the biggest reasons why my head isn't in the game at the moment either too, he is finding life after the competition just as difficult.

For me, I don't know if I can go back to doing this hard core, all or nothing, weight loss meltdown routine. I almost feel repulsed when I think about it. The whole concept is just more than what I am ready for...still, the weight doesn't come off by itself. Maybe I am suffering some mental/emotional block. I just don't know what it is... a self imposed plateau?

Still, I haven't given up...I am just looking for more balance.

Starting Over

You would think after working out and watching what I eat for 12 weeks, that it would be hard to get off the train to skinny town. I did go to Chicago last weekend, and I did indulge. The down side was not that my weight stayed the same or even increased....it is the fact that it has been so hard to get back into my healthy habits again.

Work was particularly stressful for me this week. I worked 12-14 hours on many of the days this week, two of them were totally on my feet. I was in charge of the food and logistics for a very important meeting. One day, all I wanted to do was eat fried chicken and doughnuts. That is what the old Marie would do.

Some other things that have made getting back on track difficult is that some of my fellow competition peers and friends have fallen off track too. I will arrange to meet someone to go to the gym, and they might blow it off or decided they don't feel like it. Normally, I would just go anyway, but the temptation to sleep and relax is hard to resist.

I now only have ten weeks before the next weigh in. I would like to lose 60 lbs in those 10 weeks. It is going to have to take unbelievable focus. I have decided to use some of the information listed in the Body for Life books. The eating method is something that I think can help me by giving me some structure and guidance for the journey. Although they don't suggest counting calories...I plan on doing so to a point...just to make sure that I am all good. Food will be a crucial part of this journey.

I will also start working out with a group of former contestants on Tuesdays. I think this will help foster the accountability I need to keep me on track. My good friend and I have also agreed that when we lost 95 lbs together, we can go to Cedar Point as a treat to ourselves. That will give us something to look forward too.

Evil Scale

It shouldn't be suprizing that my weight would be up after I have been gone for 4 or 5 days. I tried to work in some work outs, but I think the food got the worst of me. Trying to negociate your way through a cafeteria of completely horrible food was tough. I tried to portion control, and stick to what was the best of the evils. Apparently, I didn't do well enough.

This week, I have hit the gym again. It is different now because the competition is semi over. Many of the players have slacked off this week. I shouldn't feel like I am so behind, but I know I have so much more to lose. Many of the contestants are near to their goal weights, but I could lose more than a hundred pounds still.

The other tough factor at play is that this week holds a lot of celebrations that will not be calorically fabulous for me. I semi planned these indulgences for after the competition, but I still worry. I worry that all this weight I just lost will creep up on me faster than syrup over pancakes. My body image right now is a little warped too. In some ways I feel thinner and feel like I am prettier... but then I catch myself in a mirror next to someone half my size and feel completely insecure. Even when I do my best to look my best, I just feel like I will never measure up.

The toughest part is that I really feel a need to try my hand at some dating or getting involved in a relationship with someone...but I am so self conscious and completely convinced that I am unloveable that I feel completely boxed up. I want to break free, but I just can't manage it. I wonder if I am even worthy of such love.... especially when I feel like such a cow.

Trying to Stay on Track

So after such a marvelous weigh in, I have had to travel this week. I had already gave myself some slack on food...because I at a conference where the food is provided...so you kind of have to make the best of bad choices. Working out has been weird. The equipment here is old and tough to use. My workout shorts are too big, and when I try to ran I almost flashed the other guests. Still, I have tried to work out. I have been focusing on weights...since the cardio isn't great. Tomorrow, I will try exploring the compound for cardio.

I feel out of sync though. Sitting for over eight hours is not good for the metabolism. I have been stealing fruit and nuts from the cafeteria so I have something for in between meals. I am already dreading what the scale will say upon my return. It doesn't help that I am bloated from my monthly reminder that I am woman.

Still, I guess I have to be proud that I am trying to maintain any sort of healthy living practice while I am here. I wouldn't have three months ago. Sleep would have been the preferred activity.

Saving the Best for Last

So, it has been 11 weeks. I have...as far as the competition of the Biggest Loser at SWAT is concerned...52-53 lbs! They called in all the 19 contestants that got eliminated for a chance to weigh in  and re-enter the competition. I lost over 15% of my body weight in 11 weeks. It wasn't good enough to get back in...but I did come in second. The first girl was much smaller than me when we started...she had only lost 38 lbs...but 18% of her initial body weight.

So, all things considering...I have to say I am really proud of myself. I would say I have another 119 lbs to go, but I feel like it is in my reach. In two weeks I have dropped another dress size. I now wear 20W and XL shirts. I can't even believe it. I can buy tops from the normal girl section....how groovy is that!