September 22nd will be my 1 year quit smoking anniversary. I still get cravings though. I understand the urge when I'm stressed. Yet, I still get the cravings in the morning. Usually just after I've poured my coffee and am heading in here to the computer.
I just came in from doing yardwork. I forgot to eat before I went out there. So, needless to say by the time I finished I was starving. I made a quick breakfast and set it on the table. I went to first go throw some laundry in before I ate. BANG!!! It hit me. Another damn craving to smoke. Seemingly outta nowhere. It's not as if I used to smoke while doing laundry. EVER in my life never.
They say people gain weight when they quit smoking because they confuse the nicotine craving with hunger. Well, MAYBE it's actually not so true? When I smoked it was ALWAYS go to kitchen and start coffee pot then go smoke while waiting, then get cofffee and smoke some more. Yummy. (Yuk!!) Forget food. I was good with coffee and smoking for a good 5 hours minimum. LOL then I'd wonder why 15 minutes after ate I would need a nap!! Duh. Breakfast rules. Though I stil have to force myself very often only because I simply forget. For years I didn't eat until 1pm minimum.
What I'm thinking is that maybe smoking trains your body to smoke when what it really wants is food? Maybe smokers confuse hunger for nicotine cravings?????? Nicotine gives a quick adrenaline boost. Food takes much longer than just inhaling speed. So, actually maybe when we quit smoking our constant hunger is just our hormonal system readjusting to not having the chemical boost??? Or something like that?
I mean, just because I quit smoking I didn't start eating properly (i.e. breakfast). So from early on my body would be like feed me feed me feed me NOW DAMNIT yet I didn't eat because I didn't want to gain weight. LMAO. By 6pm I was downing hostess cupcakes like they were M&Ms! Sugar = energy - kinda sorta. Quick energy my body would need because I was starving it.
The next morning I'd start over. OK you messed up last night but today's a new day. Starve yourself again. OMG wow I was insane!
Anyway, SouthBeach is working for me. I'm averaging 1.7 a week. I'll take that!!! I'm less than 10lbs from where I started when I quit smoking.
I'm still actually doing Phase 1 though I do eat fruit now and again. I've had bread cumbs twice. I don't miss the bread or potatoes. I do miss pasta but I can only have the whole wheat which I can't stand so I don't. Oh yeah and I miss hostess cupcakes and donuts and Twix lol.
I looked at myself naked in the mirror this morning and didn't hate myself. I almost have a womanly shape. Imagine that? I'm even starting to like my face again - I don't cringe when I look in the mirror. Two months ago I couldn't see anything but slovenly and ugly. I thought I'd be hating myself for the rest of my life.
...I suck badly at blogging. I also apparently suck at losing weight.
After my nice big loss of 8lbs in 2 weeks I stopped losing. Until now. I switched to the South Beach Diet. I got really sick of paying $12 a week to stay fat.
This seems to be working for the moment. I've been doing it for a bit over 2 weeks and have lost about 6 lbs. NO sugar. Nadda. No bread, fruit, starches for the first two weeks -that's what they call Phase 1. I'm still in Phase 1. Ordinarily you only do Phase 1 for 2 weeks but I messed up the first week. I was eating catsup and cocktail sauce - both of which have too much sugar for Phase 1. Other stuff too. No-fat/no-sugar pudding is bad as well - apparently something in it that's high GI or something - maybe the cornstarch? I dunno.
Soooo, I extended Phase 1 another week.
Funny, I've felt like such a failure lately. Nothing was working. I eat I don't lose. I don't eat I don't lose. I exercise I don't lose. I don't exercise I don't lose. I mean I was really ready to just stop eating period. Though I'm pretty sure that would have lasted a day at most.
This is truly the most frustrating thing I've ever attempted. And I am so sick of people who say "Eat less, exercise more." Stupid people who've never had to lose a damn pound seem to be the experts on losing weight. Damnit I'd been doing what I'm supposed to and it did NOT work. For 2 months I didn't lose an ounce. I was exercising 40-90 minutes a day and keeping calories to an average of 1500. Despite the fact that (according to the stupid calculators) in order to maintain I should consume something over 2K cals, apparently 1500 is still too high for me to lose. It's either that or the sugar or both.
We'll see how this goes.
One thing that encouraged me was coming here and punching in my new weight and discovering I've actually lost 26lbs!!! After staying the same for 2 months I guess I kinda forgot where I started. It was like I'd lost nothing.
One thing I know for sure is that I will never EVER gain weight again. I just won't. Well, at least I won't do it by my own hand. Who knows what my body will do. The way it's going it seems like someday I'll have to keep cals to like 10 in order to not gain weight. WTF?
OK, apparently it is the Wellbutrin helping me lose weight faster. I've lost 8lbs in the 2 weeks I've been taking it. I lost 11.5 in the 9 weeks prior without it. I Googled and found that 28% of people lose weight while taking it. They list weight loss as a negative side effect. LOL!!! Negative??
One trial they did the some people who stayed on for 8 weeks lost something like 9% of their body weight - or something like that. That was without changing diet/exercise. Works out that if I stayed on for 6 months I could potentially lose 25lbs just from the drug alone.
And now I'm going to go exercise! Maybe I can lose 5 more this week? haaaa not likely.
I think my scale is lying to me again. I lost 5lbs this week.
I stopped going to WW because I just don't have the money, so I don't know what a real scale would say. Guess I'll have to wait until my next Dr.'s appointment on the first.
I wonder if it's all the drugs? Anti-depressant, calcium and a mulit-vitamin everyday. I hadn't been consistent with the vitamins prior, but now that I have to take the Wellbutrin I remember to take everything else.
I'm also eating less. I had to drop 2 points when I hit 199 2ish weeks ago. The past week I've had incredible crap going on and just don't get hungry and I don't think to eat. I've also been doing industrial type house and yard work. That can't hurt. But I'm starting to think WW lets you eat too much just so you have to pay them longer. Though I was always feeling I needed all my points. It really wasn't that much food! At least not compared to what I had been eating.
I'm almost not happy about this. One, I don't believe my scale. Once it told me I lost like 80lbs or something. Just the other day it told me I'd lost 15. So, I dunno. Yet, if I did lose 5lbs in one week can't imagine my body letting me lose any more for quite a while! Tomorrow it'll probably say 200 again. I better do some measurements while I'm still skinny! ;)
Wow this sucks. I lost less than 3lbs over the past month. I only had one bad week where I was OP for 3 days.
I had to cut out the Firm workouts because it was just killing my knees. So I've added more Yoga and portions of the Firm that don't bang my knees up and more time on the elliptical which numbs my damn feet and annoys the crap out of me.
I don't know what else I can do. I'm getting a referal to a nutritionist. My cholesterol is borderline high, 2 or 3 more points it will be in the danger zone. Why? I don't know. The only food I eat with cholesterol is eggs and I guess maybe beef once a week. I don't know what else would make it so high. I eat the "healthy" oils exclusively. Oh that Smart Pop popcorn I think might be high cholestorol - I know it has the trans fats which are bad - or something like that - it's got something bad despite the "healthy" image. Yeah low fat but I guess maybe the bad fat.
Dr . put me on Wellbutrin - antidepressant for nicotine junkies. I hadn't been sleeping and I'm hoping that has something to do with the slow loss. It's only been 12 days but it does seem like the weight is dropping at a better rate and thank god I am actually sleeping more than 20 minutes at a time.
We'll see how it goes. I'm not giving up. I can't. I don't want this weight on me period. The only reason I quit smoking was so that I would have more dating options. Being 40 , a smoker and picky left me pretty much no one lol. Then I gain 40lbs??? Great way to get a date. Oh and ex boyfriend has been doing the "I'm sorry" thing which has been really getting to me. It's almost as if I have to go through the breakup over and over. I cried half the day yesterday. I can't do this. I don't hate him, I wish we could be friends but it's so hard for me. I can't be in a relationship with him yet I still have the feelings for him. Now I'm starting to get the thoughts "Go ahead, it'll be better this time. And anything is better than feeling like this!" No, no, no!! I am a damn junky :(
And besides I could never let him see me like this. His reaction would be like a nail in my coffin I'm sure. I've gotta lose this weight for no other reason than that !! Actually for lotsa other reasons but that's what truthfully keeps me going despite the incredibly slow rate. He's still got stuff here that he will need to get eventually. I'm gonna have to face him sooner or later and it will NOT be heavier than he last saw me. No way. No how.
I often wonder if God put this weight on me simply because I'd need the extra incentive to stay out of a dysfunctional relationship! I ask all the time for the strength I need to do stay away. I guess I should think of this weight as a blessing.
I went to the meeting but didn't weigh in last week because of the PMS/TOM BS. Went today and I'm downd 4.2 for 8 total in 3 weeks. I can't believe it!! I was so discouraged last week for NO REASON. I knew it had to be water/bloat because I really was a good girl.
Anyhoo been busy working on my poker career. Don't laugh. It's all I have left really. That's another blog for another day.
One thing I've realized is that smoking sucks. I am STILL, how many months later? getting cravings - it seems even more so now that I quit the food thing. What I've realized is that if it weren't for smoking and my attempts to quit I'd be 55lbs lighter than I am right now! Yep. I gained 15 the first time I quit and 40 the second time. I'd still be almost skinny if I never smoked!!!!!!!!
Something else that sucks? Not exercising. I've been doing the Firm DVDs for the past 2 weeks. I really like it and I can't believe I'm saying that but I do. It's challenging but no undoable. It's also challenging in the sense that I can't follow half of what they are doing and so when I finally DO get a series of moves down I get excited. I feel coordinated. Graceful. Capable. Half the time I'm not even thinking about how hard it is or how hot/tired I am. I'm just driven to get the moves down. Perfectly. Who cares that it's exercise and I'm soaked and can barely breath??? Not me. I don't notice that lol. I just want to get the moves right. Then, in my sick mind, I win! I like winning :)
I go to WW tonight. According to my stupid scale that recently told me I weighed 98lbs I'm down a smidge but that will certainly be gone by tonight when I put clothes on. It's that TOM so I'm OK with this but I just don't feel like getting on that scale and officially being told "You suck". Blah :(
I'm sorta kinda getting discouraged or something. I'm OP 100%, I don't eat all my FP, I eat healthy food, I've been working out, I've quit smoking DAMNIT, I'm doing everything I'm supposed to and yet I'm not seeing positive results. For as good as I've been and with the intensity I've been working out I expect to see a small loss w/TOM, not a stay the same or small gain.
The only positive I got from quitting smoking was the ability to smell all sorts of nasty smells I'd rather not. I mean really. Let's not mention the 40lbs and the suicidal maniac depression it brought on back in Nov. Thankfully that's over.
Yet, I'm still vulnerable I think. The past 2 days I've been craving nicotine like mad. I don't know if it was just the PMS or what. I just am constantly feeling this urge for something. My initial reaction to that feeling is to reach for a cigarette. But I don't smoke LOL. So, what besides that? Food of course. I have done that really. I mean I have but I'm still OP. I reach for celery or whatever if I have points for it.
For you non smokers - here's how I describe the urge. Have you ever been in a resturaunt and very very thirsty yet the waitperson is NOwhere to be found? Do you know that feeling? That OMG I need a drink NOW feeling. Do you know that frustration you feel when the waitperson won't leave you the hell alone any other time except for when you need something badly? Now imagine feeling that 20 or 40 times a day. That's what quitting smoking feels like to me - even now nearly 6 months later. I mean try it. Eat something really salty and then don't allow yourself a drink. Just suffer through it. Imagine feeling that constantly and you'll know why it is so hard to quit that crap. And no, that feeling does not go away once the nicotine is out of your system. I'm starting to wonder if it will ever go away.
Oh wait, this is the quit being fat blog not the quit smelling like crap blog ;) Anyway, here I am doing what I'm supposed to do to lose this weight and it's just not happening. At least not as quickly as I expect. Not as quickly as it used to.
I have no intention of giving up - yet. Not ever I suppose. That doesn't mean I have to be happy and not bitch about it constantly does it??? While I want them, I'm not expecting miracles. I'll be happy if I don't have to walk around in long sleeves this summer. Yet at this rate it looks like that's exactly what I'll be doing.
I'm sooooooooooo glad I quit smoking. It's done so many wonderful things for me. /sarcasm off
LOL ya know, people say to me "Oh you must feel great", having quit and all. I'm like uhm NO. In fact I feel worse. Much worse. AND I look worse to boot you moron. It's kinda like the people, who after my ex dumped me for my friend would say "These things happen for a reason." Really? Who's reason? lol I just wanted to punch those people. Actually though, turns out they were right :)
I want to be thin damnit. Yesterday. I want to be thin yesterday. I just had my son take some before pics of me. I can't believe I look like that!! I don't look like that in the mirror. I'm not far from it but I'm wondering if my camera doesn't distort me? I really hope so.
I weigh in tomorrow. Now, my scale says I'm up a bit today. That's OK cause I think it was the chili w/about 2 cups of salt I had last night.
Sunday I was at Goodwill buying a dress for my daughter for her play she's in at school. I found a pair of jeans that looked like I actually might be able to get into. So I bought them. I refuse to buy fat clothes when I've got a dresser and an attic full of thin and thinner clothes just waiting for me. So, the "new" jeans are a size 13. I figured they'd fit cause 13 used to be huge on me 40 lbs ago LOL ok well guess I was wishful thinking. So, because I'm lazy, I didn't try them on. When I finally did at home, I could get them up over my huge butt but I couldn't zip them all the way, much less button them.
I washed them and I put them on today. Why? I dunno. Much to my amazement I could not only zip but button them!! WTF?? I mean it's close - they are very tight but still. It's weird. I'm thinking maybe Goodwill starched 'em or something to make them stiff and maybe seem newer and that's why I couldn't get into them on Monday yet I can today, Thrs? I know for a fact I didn't lose enough weight to make that much of a difference in the past 3 days. It's just not possible. I don't get it. Although it kinda worries me. Could it have just been bloat? And what would cause me to bloat up THAT much? I mean I've gained 40lbs since September when I quit smoking. I swear to god 20 of it is in my stomach. But I kinda worry that there's something else going on - tumor/cancer or something. I have a Dr.'s appointment but it's not until the end of April. Why is it impossible to get decent medical care in the country? Hell, I even have insurance!!!!!!!!
OK. /rant off.
I miss being thin. I miss being thinner than I am now, even though I was totally unhappy with myself and wishing I had the motivation to lose and get back to my skinny days.
Maybe this gain is what I needed? Maybe this was my wake up call? I'm not much for doing anything unless I HAVE to. If procrastination were marketable I'd be a billionaire. Wow I wish this thing had spell check!!!
And what is it about PMS that makes me want to eat everything and anything? The other night I had a whole thing of celery. Ya know how you buy it fresh in the store? A whole stalk or whatever ya call it? I ate it ALL!!! I still wanna eat. Eat eat eat. I'm not hungry either.
OK, so who knew that corporate taxes need to be filed by March 15th and didn't tell me???? JEEEEEZ
I assumed I had until April 15th. Silly me. I spent all day doing taxes. No exercise for me so far today. I'm spent. I'd do it now but then I'll be all sweaty and have to pick up my daughter. It's cold out, snowing. I don't want to freeze to death. I don't have enough time to workout AND take a shower. This elsuckos :( I am cranky. I stressed ALL day. I've been procrastinating with this tax thing because it's my first time and I was just dreading it. Yet I can't do my personal taxes until I do the corporate, so I pull up the forms this morning. I see the 3/15 date and think OH no that's gotta be a typo. I go to the IRS website. Damn. It really is 3/15. yucka yucka yucka. But hey, at least it's over and done with. Well, untill the audit that is ;)
Ok, this is kinda neat. Maybe I want to try blogging. Again. I hope I don't stop/start this weight loss thing again like I do everything else. My attention span stinks lately. :(
