| Height: | |
| Start weight: | 303.20lb |
| Current weight: | 267.20lb |
| Goal weight: | 165.00lb |
| Lost to date: | 36.00lb |
| Remaining: | 102.20lb |
| 20 |
| November '08 |
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J - read the first Jen Jubilee post
E - read yesterday's Jen Jubilee post
N - nice AND naughty (
), newly-wed, noble, notable, noticeable. OK, "N" was a little bit more difficult, but you get the point. Jen is AWESOME!! She is such a great cheerleader for us all and this site just wouldn't be the same without her! Thanks, Jen, for being there for all of us!
I got this quote in my email today that seems to really fit with how my whole weight loss - NOT! - program is going lately:
"When you get into a tight place and it seems that you can't go on, hold on — for that's just the place and the time that the tide will turn."
– Harriet Beecher Stowe
That's perfect! I'm starting to feel as if the tide is going to turn eventually, but it's far enough away that I can't quite see it happening yet.
I have decided to give myself the gift of time - I will not weigh myself, and I will do the best I am capable of right now to eat healthy and focus on my well-being rather than my numbers. I feel like I need to do some serious damage control and reparation right now. Obviously, I got so obsessed with the numbers that I put myself at risk by taking phen. Now that reality has slapped me in the face as to the effectiveness of it, I realize that pills are not the answer. They are a band-aid, not a cure. This has really thrown me for a loop - I feel depressed, I am eating like a teenager who is high on pot, all I want to do is sleep, and my weight is sky-rocketing. Was it worth it? NO! Lesson learned!
So, now I need to start back at square one. I need to remind myself why I started this in the first place and do the things that worked before I started taking the phen. It will take longer, and it will be harder, but I won't end up a mess when all is said and done. That being said, I think I need to revise my goals. I'll give it some thought and post the new goals here, eventually.
Stay tuned...
J - see yesterday's first post...
E - energetic, enjoyable, excited to be losing weight, EP's biggest cheerleader, everyone's bloggin' buddy, enthusastic, ebullient, effervescent, earnest, enchanting, encouraging, educates our youth, enriches the lives of all those she touches, EXTRAORDINARY!!!!! Thanks, Jen, for being who you are!
N - stay tuned for tomorrow's Jen Jubilee post...
Thanks for all the comments on my blog about my binge. I wish I could say that did the trick, but I'm still having a hard time of it. One thing that hit me really hard was Kache's comment. She told me that when she was on phen, it eventually stopped working and she crashed into a depression. She gained a lot of her weight back quickly and her appetite was uncontrollable. Wow!!! That sounds exactly like what I am going through right now! Having read that, I more firmly believe that the phen has run it's course and I need to get MYSELF back in balance. I need to try to reign my emotions in, tell myself that this is just a symptom of going off some strong medication, and try to just do the things my body needs. Those things include, but are not limited to:
At least I am conscious of it - I think I know why I am feeling all out of whack now. "And knowing is half the battle!" Thanks, Kache! I think I still be blaming myself if you hadn't shared your story with me! Thanks for saving my sanity! And thank you to everyone else for your positive words and support - you all make the light at the end of the tunnel much brighter!
Obviously I lost the challenge with Jen. She lost 6.5 pounds this week - I gained four of the ones she lost. So, I will be singing her praises here all week (While I still mix in my own thoughts about my life, of course). Here's the first installment of the Jen Diaries:
J is for Jen - joyous, jubilant, jaunty, a jewel, jolly, jovial, Junoesque (you're impressed I know that word, aren't you? Look it up - it's a good one!), just.
She really kicked ass this week - after staying away from the snacks all week, she lost SIX AND A HALF POUNDS!!!! Wow! She's a real-life woman who is an inspiration to me. Thanks, Jen, for sharing your life with us!
After nearly 5 months of hibernation, the Binge is back. Here is a list of things I ate today AFTER I recommitted myself to health and self-care in my last post:
And this wasn't even spread throughout the day - from the tootsie rolls on, I ate the rest of the list in a span of 3 hours. What the hell is wrong with me? I have been to enough therapy in my life to know that something is missing for me emotionally right now, so any sane person would spend this time in introspection. Obviously, however, I am not sane or I wouldn't have spent enough time in therapy and I wouldn't have binged.
So, what is it? My husband was at work all day - could've been boredom. I have a million things to do in my classroom, but didn't want my son to have to spend the day there - could've been guilt. I gained 5 1/2 pounds in a week - could've been disgust.
I wish I could say I'll be on the wagon again tomorrow, but logically I know myself well enough to know that my binges have never been limited to one evening. I wish logic would be the victor here, but it has a really bad losing record where my binges are concerned.
I remember when I was about 12 or 13, I ate almost an entire box of Twix bars on one sitting. I left 2 in the box of 12. When my mom discovered it, she confronted me about it. My response? "The box says 'approximately' 12 per box. Maybe they didn't count right at the Twix place." Obviously she didn't fall for it. That is the first binge I remember, though. So this is pretty deep-rooted. I'm still not sure what planted it in the first place. I would love to blame my childhood - I was a latch-key kid and my younger siblings are MUCH younger than me, so I spent a lot of my time babysitting them. I would love to blame my parents - neither of them are very affectionate people and I tend to be pretty passionate, emotional, and need affection. I would love to blame the fact that I grew up in the military - how can you grow roots and develop a sense of belonging if you never stay in one place? But I am an adult now. What happened then did not shove the food down my throat tonight. So what is my trigger today?
I am a perfect example of the weight being a symptom and not the disease. Only my problem is that I have a mystery diagnosis. Guess I better get to investigating.
My body must be on the rebound from all the weight I lost last week. Considering the fact that I didn't exercise at all this week and have had one of the most stressful weeks I've had in a long time, this week's results are not surprising. Here thay are:
This week: 5.4 pounds gained
Altogether: - 39.4 pounds
Again, I'm not surprised. Not happy, but not surprised. I was taking the phen all week, but it is as if it had no effect. I think it is losing its effectiveness or something. I felt like I feel when it is the "one week off" part of my cycle. So, I think it is time to go off of it for longer than a week and revisit it later. I'll finish this "4 weeks on" cycle and then quit for at least a month. That means I'll have to work really hard and I won't see the level of results I've been seeing and am becoming used to, but as long as I still see a downward trend, I'll try to be satisfied with that. I've got 2 more weeks left of this 4 weeks, so we'll see if my suspicions are correct during my next weigh-in.
I can't blame it all on the phen not working, though. I slacked big time this week. Like I said, I didn't exercise at all. I drank too much soda. It was diet, but the sodium in those drinks is enough to do me in. Dinners weren't planned, and therefore not made, so I ate fast food more times than I should have. My stress level was pretty high this week, due to the fact that there were meetings every day after school and my first formal evaluation was this past week. And the tension among my team members continues. Sleep also sucked this week. On Tuesday night, I was awake at 1:30 in the morning and never went back to sleep. After that I never made it to bed before 11:30. Bottom line is, I didn't take care of myself this week so my weight is purely a reflection of my self-care.
Needless to say, I am not expecting to win the challenge with Driven. She is doing great this week with limiting her snacks and taking care of herself. I, on the other hand, have gained 3.8 pounds since our Monday weigh-in. So, check in regularly this week to read all the wonderful things I write about Jen.
Once again, I am recommitting. I am my number one priority! I am too important to give up on! I am worth good health! I am worthy enough to be a good example for my son and my students! I am sexy and beautiful, and I am confident enough to let the world see that side of me! Here's how I am going to get there:
Hopefully I will see downward progress on my graph during my next weigh-in. I hope yours is a week of losses and victories.
So, last week I was on such a weight loss high. The Weight Loss Gods were smiling down and all was right with my world. OK, maybe not my world, but definitely my fat-girl psyche.
Somewhere along the way, I must have pissed the Weight Loss Gods off, because I am gaining and have been gaining since Monday. I guess it wasn't the Mexican food after all. Maybe I got too cocky. Maybe I thought getting to goal was finally going to be easy for me. Pshaw, say the Weight Loss Gods. We decide and we say... HELL NO!
*sigh* So, despite my challenge with Driven, I have had absolutely no motivation to exercise and, frankly haven't been giving a sh** about what I'm eating. Yes, that's probably the exact reason I am still gaining. But which came first, the Fat Chick or the binge? Also, I have a meeting everyday after school this week, I have a new student who is an absolute behavior mess and has the family baggage to flatten a semi-truck, I have my formal observation by my principal this week (which is actually the least of my worries, believe it or not), and I haven't been sleeping worth a damn.
I'm trying. I really am. But after such a great week last week, this is so incredibly frustrating. I know logically that I should exercise my stress away and eat better to feel better. But it's sort of like fire - you love it when it's making you feel warm, but hate it when it burns you. I love my scale when it makes me feel thin, but hate it when it makes me feel fat. Right now that's what it is doing, so I'm rebelling. I need to get over that and keep on keepin' on.
Got motivation?
WTF????? I gained 2 1/2 pounds over night! My only consolation is that hubbie did too, so it must be the mexican food we ate last night for dinner. Note to self - no high-sodium food right before challenge/goal weigh-in.
Today starts my challenge with Jen/Driven2losew8. She has a starting weight of 232 and mine is 260. Whoever loses the highest percentage of weight by next Monday is the winner. The loser has to gush and brag about the winner on the loser's blog everyday for a week. Anyone else want in? Let me know starting weight by the end of today and we'll see who gets gushed about.
I also start the time frame for Goal #2. I want to be 236 or less by January 8. That's 24 pounds from where I am today. I changed my ticker and graph to reflect the new goal. As I've posted before, this one will be the toughest one yet for me. But I'm so motivated to get to goal, I know I can do it!
Happy losing this week, everyone! Keep on keepin' on!
Yesterday was my Reward #1 day. I went to a day spa/salon and had my hair deep conditioned and cut, the best pedicure EVER, and a manicure that led me to the best nail strengther I've ever used. I was gone for 4 hours and loved every minute of it! AAAAhhhhh.....
I felt proud of myself for having achieved and surpassed my goal and felt good that I was allowing myself this time without feeling guilty or thinking about what I should be doing instead. I am finally making myself my priority and it feels damn good. And truthfully, I am starting to feel sexy again. And without giving too much info, hubbie is seeing the confident, sexy me and responding appropriately! 
Even though it was my rest day and I had pizza for dinner, I still managed to lose another 0.8 of a pound yesterday. Who knew stress and self-consciousness weighed anything? 
Tomorrow I start Goal #2. I want to lose 24 pounds from whatever I weigh tomorrow morning to January 8. This will be my biggest challenge yet, I think, because Halloween, my birthday, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year's, and Mom's visit are all in that timeframe. Talk about testing the food addict! Hoo boy, wish me luck!
I also start my 1-week challenge with Jen tomorrow. I challenged her to get her motivated, but I am so excited about it myself. We will weigh in tomorrow and post our weights. Then, whoever loses the biggest percentage of weight between tomorrow and next Monday is the winner. The loser has to gush and brag about the winner EVERYDAY on her blog. It sure will be nice to read all the wonderful things Jen has to say about me! hee hee!
Have a great week everybody! Here's to all your losses! 
