I have discovered a guilty pleasure that I want to get off my chest and admit to all of my blog buddies: Harlequin Romance audiobooks.
I consider myself to be somewhat of a book snob - not in a condescending way, but to me, books are meant to challenge the brain. I like who-dunnits, thrillers, etc. I like non-fiction self-improvement books. Danielle Steele and Barbara Taylor Bradford, while obviously widely popular, have never really "done it" for me.
So imagine my surprise when I decided to download an audiobook onto my iPod to listen to while exercising, that my mouse just took me to "romance." It makes sense, now that I think of it, since I like to be able to veg out while riding my stationary bike. I am getting bored with it, but can't exactly take a 6 year old on a 2 mile walk around the neighborhood and "veg out." So, my exercise regime is limited to what I can do at home, at least while DH is at work. Nothing worth watching was on TV, so I thought a good audiobook would fit the bill.
But Harlequin Romance? Wow. But man, what have I been missing! It was so fun to listen to! I listened to the first 2 chapters and it took me an HOUR! I rode my bike for an hour and didn't want to stop. I got to tune out while DS was doing chores and watching TV, and was so entertained by this ridiculously basic, but captivating story. And did I mention that I rode my bike for an HOUR? And there are still 5-plus more hours left of the book. Yee-haw!
Hee, hee - I guess since I don't watch soaps, this counts as my "housewife" indulgence. And I'm not even a housewife! What a guilty pleasure!
Um...yeah...I weighed myself. What the hell was I thinking??? Why didn't I give myself a few "back on track" days to get the ball rolling? Anyway, here goes:
weigh-in this morning: 266.6 pounds
pounds gained from last weigh-in (2 weeks ago): 6-plus pounds.
Needless to say, this started me on how to just stop myself from inhaling food. I swear, if food came in an IV, I would have a central line installed. And not that I am anywhere close to this mindset, but I started wondering why I don't have more anorexic tendencies. WHY can't I win over food like those skinny, skinny people do? Please understand me - I completely understand that anorexia is a disease and not one that should be aspired to, but I just wish I could STOP EATING!!!!!!! I wish that a liquid fast lasted more than 2 hours for me. I wish that I could feel satisfied eating nothing but fruits or veggies for a day or two. But it seems that I cannot last more than 2 hours without eating before I cave and just want to binge. I guess i should clarify that statement - I can go 2 hours, but I never WANT to and if I "need" to eat, it happens to be crappy food. I never binge on carrot sticks or apple slices.
I think I need to live in a world that doesn't offer choices. If I didn't have choices, I wouldn't have to struggle so much to make the "right" ones. I would just have what is available and go about the business of living. But because our society feels the need to have so much crap available, it's no wonder we are all so huge.
Man, I need some motivation for the New Year. Anyone get any extra from Santa they are willing to share? Or know of some after Christmas sales that are selling it for a good deal? HELP!!!
It's the day after Christmas and I have already taken down my Christmas decorations. I just wasn't into it this year. I should have been, considering that this might be the last year that my son believes in Santa, but I was also trying to take the materialism out of it. Funny how "less Christmasy" Christmas feels without all the "things." We really have gotten WAY off track with it, haven't we?
Mom will be here in less than a week, and I guarantee I am no where close to being at my goal. My first goal was to be at 232 by January 8 - . Uhhh...nope. Then I adjusted it to be at 253.2 by Mom's visit on the 1st (to be at the 50 pound mark) - . Uhhh...nope. OK, the last one, I don't know for sure, but I will be so shocked if I make it considering the amount of food I've been eating this week! . Oh well. At least I am smaller than I was when I saw Mom last, and I will be even smaller the next time I see her (in June). Man, I wish the Phen still worked. This is HARD on my own!
OK, I am beginning to feel like a weight-loss snob. At least with my husband. You know the type - I've lost a lot of weight, so now I am the self-proclaimed "expert" on how to do it. People who were smokers and are now non-smokers are the same way. Anyway, DH is getting a very LARGE stomach (he has always been sort of Buddha-ish, but it is getting even bigger lately). He looks like he has a distended stomach. It's very concerning to me, but I don't know how to go about talking to him about it. He i the type who will either shrink away from it or go overboard for about 1 week or 2 and then go back to his old ways. He talks about wanting to lose weight or knowing that he needs to, he compliments me on my progress, but he doesn't actually do it for himself. I know, I know, you can only help someone if they are ready to help themselves, but man - he needs to get going! I know I am far from goal and far from where I want to be, but I feel that (except for this holiday break) I am at least making progress. I know it's not great progress since October, but getting into a better place is still in the forefront of my mind. It's still a priority. *sigh* I just wish he wanted it for himself as much as I want it for him. Especially since he has a paternal family history of brain stokes at an early age (Dad at 42, Grandfather at 38). My DS and I do't deserve it if he causes his own stroke, knowing that he has a history and could have prevented it with a better lifestyle.
Anyway, January 1st marks the spot. Even with Mom here, I will be back on the exercise and calorie-tracking wagon. I will weigh in for Deal Partners then and then, whoa Nelly, just try and keep up! I lost (about) 40 pounds in 6 months, so I want to lose another 40 in 2007. I want to be the Tortoise, not the Hare. Slow and steady, baby. Slow and steady!
I didn't weigh myself today. And I won't weigh myself until after the New Year. I just know that I will be disappointed with the number and myself, so I'm not going to put myself through that torture. I know I have gained weight - for no other reason then I have been pretty much constantly shoving food down my gullet. And for no other reason than because it is so readily available this time of year. WHY is it so readily available? Who decided that December is the best month to tempt fat people with sweets? Why put yummy food in front of people who obviously have food issues? How is that even close to the charitable feeling we are supposed to have this time of year?
Maybe I'm PMSing. Truthfully I don't even know, because I don't remember when I started last month. But is that really an excuse? Why do hormones suddenly dictate what we eat and how much of it we feel we need to be satisified?
Please don't think this is a pity party, because it's anything but... I am actually feeling pretty liberated without the scale. My one and only fear is that I will feel TOO free and forego my goals in favor of that freedom. I have the classic angel on one shoulder/devil on the other syndrome right now. Which lifestyle would help me feel more fulfilled? Enjoying time with good food and family (devil)? Or enjoying a longer life through exercise and healthy food (angel)? Right now, I honestly can't decide which is more appealling. So instead of giving myself one more thing to decide during this crazy time of year, I'll just wait until I have less going on and reconcentrate my energies with the rest of the nation on January 1st. New year, new start. My only goal will be to lose another 40 pounds by the end of NEXT year. I know I won't be at my goal weigh by my 35th birthday if I only lose another 40 pounds, but I will be that much closer, and that is the most important - progress, not stagnation.
Have you considered what your resolutions will be? If you are considering making one, that's progress! Best wishes!
189 days ago, on June 8, 2006, I made the decision to change. I was sick and tired of being obese and I didn't feel comfortable in my own skin. I decided to make myself a priority again and take pride in the body I was given. I told myself I was going to treat myself better so I would be better able to treat everyone else better.
Some of the time that has passed since then has been incredibly easy - almost too easy. I was in a groove and dropping weight almost without doing anything at all. Other times it has been more of a struggle than anything else I have ever experienced. I have told myself that I am worth it, and I have asked myself if it is worth it. But through it all, I have learned a lot - about myself, about what I need, and about why I got here in the first place. If you are interested, here are my insights:
The whole "you can break or form a habit in 21 days" thing is bullshit. It's been 189 days and I still struggle daily to make the right choices for myself.
Emotions are stronger than logic and intellect and will win the majority of my inner battles. The secret for me is to let those emotions be the child, have their temper tantrum, and get it out. The reason I'm obese (I just recently figured out) is because I have had to ignore my emotional, passionate side for 13 years for fear of upsetting the man that I love. My husband is not an arguer - I am. He is not one to "fight back" when I need to get things out. But when I get things out, I am fiery and pissy and downright bitchy. He takes everything personally and it affects his self-esteem. So, because I love him and for the sake of his psyche (and because I want him to love me and not think I am a bitch), I have taught myself to not be so fiery, pissy, and downright bitchy. Well, what else is there to do when I am emotional? Stuff food in my mouth before words come out of it. I truly think this is why I am obese, because I did not have a weight issue until I married him.
I am still learning to celebrate small successes. Since I am an all-or-nothing kind of person, it is hard for me to congratualte myself for making progress if I did not make my goal. I am learning to pat myself on the back and I try to remind myself how far I've come. "Reach for the moon - even if you fail, you still land in the stars." I am still trying to be OK with not landing on the moon. At least I achieved liftoff!
I am realizing that even though my body is my own, she has a mind of her own. Although I have a time schedule and my brain wants to be a certain weight by a certain time, my body knows better and does things according to what is right for her. She holds on to what she needs and lets go of what she doesn't need. Although my brain is quite bossy, my body seems to be dictating how things will be. Even though my brain needs a deadline, my body doesn't. I need to listen to my body more and just give her what she needs. If I do that, she will much happier and will show me her appreciation by becoming what my brain thinks she should be.
Here is my progress from June 8, 2006 to December 13, 2006:
June 8 weight: 303.2 pounds
December 13 weight: 260.6 pounds
42.6 pounds lost
June 8 clothing size: 26 / 3X
December 13 clothing size: 22 / 2X
2 sizes lost
June 8 BMI: 44.8
December 13 BMI: 38.5
6.3 points lost
June 8 BMI category: morbidly obese
December 13 BMI category: severely obese
1 category decrease
Overall, I have lost 14% of my body weight. I have lost the equivalent of my 6 year old son. I have lost the equivalent of a large bag of dog food, or 4 large bags of potates, or 8 large bags of sugar, or 3 large Thanksgiving turkeys. Wow! Looks like I am defintely in the stars, after all!
Damn Chinese food! Note to self - do NOT eat sodium-laden food the night before a weigh-in!
Weekly weigh-in: 260.6 pounds
pounds gained from last week: 3.4 pounds
OK, I need to take some (most) of the responsibility - I haven't exercised in 5 days and I haven't really been making the best food choices. Again, it's not the quantity, it's the quality that kills me. How can I refocus? grrr..
I hope you are having a more successful losing week than I am! I'm back at it for next week for sure - only 18 more days until Mom visits! YIKES! And me with 7 1/2 pounds to lose! OK, I'm refocused!
I know I haven't posted a 6-month anniversary reflection, so look for that in my next post (I promise!). Happy losing, everyone!
Wow! When I bust a move and bust through a self-caused plateau, I really do it! Here are this week's results:
Weigh-in this morning: 257.2 pounds
pounds lost since last week: 5.2 pounds!
I guess exercise and watching what I eat really do make a difference! Who knew!
I have lost exactly 46 pounds since June 8th. I'm coming up on the 6 month anniversary of the beginning of my lifestyle change, so I am averaging a 7 2/3 pounds loss per month. Go me! And since Friday will be the 6 month anniversary, look for a reflective post on that day. This sure has been a journey so far!
I got on the scale this morning, for no reason other than pure habit. I weighed 258.0, which was a complete surprise to me. I mean, I weighed yesterday for Deal Partners and I was 260.6. 2 1/2 pounds in one day? I didn't do anything special yesterday. It was even a late day at work so I didn't workout. Weird.
I hate it when that happens, though. It gives me delusions of grandeur, so I was SOOOOOO tempted to change my January 1st goal. My whole thought process was that if I am losing weight at a good rate again... and I only have 4.8 more pounds to go to reach the 50 pounds lost mark... and I have practically a whole month to do it in - why not reach for something more? But that is very dangerous thinking for me. Because then I will beat myself up come January 1st for not reaching my new, higher goal. So, I left it as is. If I lose more, than that's just FANTASTIC! If I lose the 4.8, then I am still doing a great job and have made my goal. If I fall short, at least I won't beat myself up too much and will have still made downward progress.
Man, what mind games I have to play with myself! My point is, I just have to let it lie. Leave it alone and what will happen will happen. I'll do what I need to do and the results will be what they are. Like I tell my students, "You worry about you. If you do what you know you are supposed to do, you will be just fine." I should practice what I preach instead of trying to outdo myself. I may not make progress based on my plan of action or the assigned dates on a calendar, but I'll get where I need to be when it's time for me to be there. I just need to keep on keepin' on.
It's time for the Deal Partners monthly weigh-in. I didn't make my goal of losing 8.2 pounds, but I did lose 4.2 so that's more than half. Considering that my motivation was on an extended vacation until just recently, I'll take it! I only have 7.2 pounds to lose in December to be at my goal of 253.2 by January 1st. I WILL do this!!!!!
It was so fun to listen to! I listened to the first 2 chapters and it took me an HOUR! I rode my bike for an hour and didn't want to stop. I got to tune out while DS was doing chores and watching TV, and was so entertained by this ridiculously basic, but captivating story. And did I mention that I rode my bike for an HOUR? 
And there are still 5-plus more hours left of the book. Yee-haw! 
. Uhhh...nope. Then I adjusted it to be at 253.2 by Mom's visit on the 1st (to be at the 50 pound mark) - 
