I am struggling. Instead of just throwing in the towel I am going to accept the small strides I can achieve. I am going to give up my Pepsi. I drink it a lot. I would estimate between 600-800 calories a day depending on if I am working nightshift.. Is it all I can do...for now yes. I have been very ill for over 10 days. Everything from sore throat,fever,body aches,and cough. My heart is not 100% in it but I am not giving up. Small changes just to get my confidence going. I have to give up the being perfect or might as well binge thinking. I am doing what I can. I will weigh again on febuary 1st.I am up from when I joined so it wil reflect a gain but hopefully not for long. I will turn this around this year but it will involve some soul searching and self discovery because it is more than just really liking food.

 I have been thinking a great deal about why I just stopped dieting this last time. Why did I quit at 190lbs when I had not been below 200 in ages. I don't know if it was overconfidence,fear,or what? I was in a steady groove and just woke up one day and said "to hell with it" Maybe I just meant for a day or two but here I am again. I had many opportunities to brush myself off and try again but didn't. I need to know the "why's" Not to stall a new begining but to learn from the past and not repeat it. I have binged for days now. Almost like a "last supper" with no disrespect in terminology. I have to give up the all or nothing mindset I can get into. I heard a good analogy on the radio...If you had a tire go flat would you fix it or say what the heck and slash the other three. Same thing with dieting..one doughnut does not mean just go ahead and eat a dozen since you "blew it" That is what I will change. That's why part of me believes that food can be an addiction although  I am not sold completely on that concept. Part of me believes it is a chioce. I wish I could just abstain from whatever substance like any other addiction but I can't.Alcoholics don't have to drink at all but people with food addictions can't just not eat. Sure I can abstain from sugar,empty calories,and fried stuff. I am just rambling I know. I just need to have a clear understanding this time.

 It comes down to one question. Do I believe that it is worth it? With every fiber of my being that would be a yes.I am going to write out a list of everything I desire from weightloss so when it gets tough I can read it. I thank my new friends on EP for all the support on my blog and the private messages that keep me going. I plan to weigh in on feb 1st and will record my new weight then since I have gained over the past several days. Take care and be good to yourself.

My fellow coworkers secretly got together and bought my family christmas. I have been out of work so much this year with my son seriously ill and my father's death happening at the same time that we were broke. What a blessing to work with people who love and take care of one another so much. That is truly a gift in itself. I have stressed myself out so much in the last 3 months that my husband and I feel like we have aged 10 years. So my father's lesson from above is that when things seem impossible just pause and be grateful for the many blessings you do have. In the big picture my weight loss journey is just a fragment of my life. It is just a number on a scale. It doesn't convey what a good wife,mother,daughter,and friend I am. This journey for me is about fixing more than a number on a scale,but to tell the girl I once was that something went way wrong somewhere in my life. I allowed myself to believe I was less than just because of my weight and that I didn't deserve the things that all my thin friends had. I remember every  comment anyone said about my weight and where I was when it was said. I have wasted so many years wishing that I was something I am not. I will probably always have a dysfunctional relationship with food but I am going to find balance. I have a purpose and believe that I can do this now. I am a grown woman who has just grown tired of excuses. My time is now and I am going to take advantage of it. This next year is  turning point for me. So daddy I am listening..I hear you clearly now. I remember our coversation "Baby don't waste your life not living it the way you want to. Don't wait because it only gets harder" Merry Christmas to all my new friends on EP. We will all be okay I just know it.

 Wow it is nice outside. It is 68 degrees and blue skies. We are going out as a family today to the park. It is warm enough for short sleeves. Doesn't put you in the mind of christmas but it is supposed to really cool back down to 45 degrees later this week. Will post how it goes later. No negative thoughts today...they are off limits!!

 The truth is that this is the only plan that has ever really been effective for me. I got down to 190 last year with it. It was me getting over confident and under estimating my points that was my downfall. I really wish I had not thrown in the towel but there is no time for looking backwards. I went to my parents house last night for the first time since he passed. I saw his empty recliner where he always sat and greeted me when I arrived. But this time it was just a chair. My chest tightened and the tears fell. It felt like a long time until I could draw a breath. I began to shake and looked at my poor mother who had been with this man since1957. How much pain must she be in? She said he loved me more than life but that now I needed to take care of myself. We both promised sitting n front of daddy's chair that we would live healthy to make him happy and ourselves.Many conversations in my life with my father were about weight but they were always positive and the "you can do it" speeches.He never gave up on me..only on himself. His body was abused by the weight that a lifetime of being obese can bring. He didn't drink or smoke. He was just a hard working country man who always believed it would work out in the end. I am going to get started with WW and not quit this time...

 I can't believe I posted the worst before pic that I could find!!!! Yes my hair was a wreck and what was I thinking about those pants? I thought "Who is ever going to see you way out in the woods?" Well now the web sees my rolls in all their glory but NOT for long. Boy pictures make you say "Oh wow" I don't feel like I look that big but of course cameras don't lie. Have a great day!!

 I get to go back to work!! I have been out since oct 27th due to all that's happened.My dear friends have kept food and utilities going. Unbelievable how generous people are even in this economy. That's the heart of friends.  I am also grateful because I know my son is well enough for me to leave. It has been a long road. I am ready to start taking care of myself. I have decided to do whatever it takes to be healthy. To answer the comment left "why don't you start today?" Many reasons...sometimes you just have to let your heart heal a little. I am brushing myself off and when I start it is for the long haul. I have had a life changing event and to grieve the loss of your father being a daddy's girl is heart wrenching. So everything in its due time. I haven't been under 190 pounds in 13years. Why I wonder? I was 143 when I met my husbnd in 1993. I even managed not to get big in nursing school when others did. I have questions to figure out. Why do I have such a low self esteem. It's no dark deep secret. I was never abused,molested or any typical question I am asked. I had a perfect childhood. So why? I am going to uncover a before pic and put it on even though I dread it. Take care all!!

 I have to tell myself that after all that's happened. My son is recovered well and feeling back to his old self. Funny how a child's laughter can just fill a room. We put up a christmas tree today. Yay!! It's still too warm here to feel like hot chocolate. I am torn this time about which diet to start. I have always done WW but have considered something new. I did have good results with WW but have looked into the Body for Life program and really like it. It's healthy and nothing to count. I would be eating much less processed foods and the workout looks doable. I just need to start. Healing my heart from losing daddy will take time. I talk to him everday. I want him to be proud and see me do it! All I have to do is do it one time RIGHT. Sounds easy...but it is not. I am an emotional eater and this time last year weighed 190 and you see where I am now. But not for long!! Any thoughts on programs or I may just customize mine to my needs. Have a blessed day.