Baby Steps

I had a mandatory social thing with my work last evening. It only happens about 4 times a year, but I dread it, not only for the social factor but because everyone eats. The event is always held at a pub, so there's absolutely no chance for "good choices" there. Normally I order the worst possible thing I can manage. I figure that if I'm going to do some damage, I won't settle for doing it half way.

Last night, however, I was cool as a cucumber. I didn't get the I'm-a-fat-woman-eating-in-public panic. I didn't feel obligated to demonstrate that a fat woman eats a lot and a lot of bad things. I have my usual order there, and it's a lot, and it's fatty and loaded with calories, of this I have no doubt.

***BEGIN Food Talk Alert***if you are weak or hungry maybe skip this part***

I didn't get the potato wedges, which are significantly greasier than the fries, and they come with blue cheese dressing dip and I always, always, always order extra dip (and I love them, and the dip). Sometimes I get a full meal in addition to the wedges, or sometimes I get the chicken tenders which are made fresh upon order, not from a frozen prepackaged deal, and they are so light and crispy and they practically melt in your mouth. I suggested them to someone else, and was satisfied when they thanked me for the suggestion. I watched that person dip into the blue cheese goo over and over again, and listened to them make all kinds of this-is-yummy sounds, and totally expected to feel deprived or burn with envy or something...but nothing. I felt nothing. I wasn't numb, just nothing.

I got a burger & fries (which I could substitute wedges for but didn't). I didn't even eat all the fries I was given and encouraged the people around to help me eat them and they happily obliged en mass.  Many fries were missing and I didn't eat them all - and it's Europe so the portions are smaller and because of this there were even less than you'd expect there to be for me to not eat. I didn't eat the whole burger, although it was super yummy, I left about 1/4 of it on my plate, as I hoped I would, even better since it was a small burger. I had a plan before I went to this event and it came to fruition perfectly! And, much to my surprise, as I hadn't thought to do it before hand, I took off the top of the bun thinking it would just get in the way of enjoying the burger, which it most certainly would have but would have also lent itself to more calories and after feelings of ickiness.

***END food talk alert***

You could almost say it looked like I didn't have much of an appetite. That's what I would say about me, knowing me. It's half-true, I didn't want to sabotage my efforts and my eating behavior reflected that desire. I don't drink so that was a non-issue. Ohhh, I have a margarita once in a while, mind you, but at the pub, around customers, even if there were fresh fruit margaritas on-the-house, I still wouldn't do it.

I did good, I think. A sure disaster averted.

Moreover, for the first time ever, I didn't feel overstuffed the way I normally do (after eating in public), and that alone made the evening all the more enjoyable. I went home not stuffed, not hungry, and having had a good time. It makes me think that half my insecurity about eating in front of other people stems from something only I could know/feel...that I'm over-stuffed. And that stuffed feeling carries over way past the eating which in turn makes me suffer under imagined scrutiny all the longer. I sure know how to torture myself!

The coolest thing about my choices last night is how good I feel today. I don’t feel like I failed myself in any way. Instead I’m applauding myself. Maybe the only thing better than that is how easy it was to make it through the evening, not only by not sabotaging myself but by managing to not feel that imaginary criticism from others (which I know is just my psyche disguising self-criticism).

The C Factor [tm]

167.2 calories in a single ounce of cashews?! 

An ounce of cashews is hardly anything and totally not-at-all, in any way shape or form, worth that many calories! Hideous! I’m never going to bother with those things again! What a waste of time and energy! I’m outraged that nature would create something so inefficient for my body/health!

Are we even meant to eat cashews? I mean, I’m sure nature makes things we shouldn’t put in our mouth and maybe cashews are one of them. I sit before the screen, dumbfounded! Literally.

So everything was fine yesterday, except for the cookies that my customer brought in. I’ll be honest, I sampled a couple. They weren’t all that great and they were covered in chocolate (have I talked about my chocolate aversion?) I left the bulk for my colleagues to devour, and they did.  If only I could eliminate these well-meaning customers! I get loads of bad things from customers. It’s a weekly issue. I get cookies, cake, and sometimes croissants.

I see a pattern. Everything that begins with “C is bad for you – well, except for carrots of course, although yesterday I was surprised by the calorie count (begins with “c”) in a half cup of carrots.

I measured my food yesterday. Not the salmon, I need a scale for that and will pick one up later. I had a cup of broccoli, which is less that I’d normally put in the steamer, and after I ate my carefully measured meal I realized it was more than enough. I know my dinner portions can be super-sized. I’ve always known.

I always tell myself that it’s only veggies and that I don’t eat much during the day, so it’s okay…but after seeing the calorie count of the carrots (C Factor [tm]), I’m going to realign my veggie consumption with my weight goals rather than aligning it with general nutritional values.

So in addition to getting organized and my walking, I’m going to work on portion control. Can you guys see what I eat? It’s not complicated. I’m lucky in that I don’t have a husband/partner or short people running around, so I can control what I eat more easily and preparing something nourishing is as simple as…erm…not making a pie. But I do eat a decent evening meal. Last night was broccoli, carrots, salmon, and rice. Pretty typical for me, but I’ve halved the usual amount of rice and last night cut back on the veggies.

You know I read, or heard (probably on CNN), that recent studies have shown that the time of day you eat has very little impact on …whatever it is it might impact. Not enough impact for anyone to give it much attention. I get home from work pretty late. I teach, from 3pm to 9pm. I’m in front of (adult) students and don’t have time to eat anything other than a banana – it’s soft, less chewing, goes down quicker…see?

When I was hovering over the steamer, digging out my cup of cooked basmati, I thought…how hungry am I actually? I could have had an apple, or even nothing (a cup of tea)…and not felt like I missed anything.  

But the question I had in my head was should I do that?  That’s extremely few calories for the day. It would have been only 790 calories. I’m not so sure that’s a good idea. I think it’s a recipe for disaster. Eventually my body will go into panic mode and I might eat all those damn cashews!

Hmm…so there are a few things to look into and ponder on that topic. In the meantime, I’ll just avoid the bad things and do good things.

As for the walking: “do or do not, there is no try”

Getting Organized

I was perusing the blogs again. I’m not out for my walk right now because I’m waiting for a package to be delivered. So there!

I went for my walks yesterday though. It was good. I rained all night and as a result much, much, much of the snow and ice are gone! I couldn’t be more pleased about that! I can even see lawn in the garden across the street. You people have no idea what a relief this is!

I decided to make more use of the food diary thingy and already I can see a pattern emerging. I had a very typical entry yesterday and everything is fine and dandy until after work. I need to have something to do after work besides eat. And I still need to give that panic thing some attention.

I need to add some customized foods in there, because some of the predesignated things are wrong. Like I never boil my veggies, only steam – and I guess it’s about time I got a scale because I have no idea if my salmon is 3 or 6 oz, and I’m really sure it’s an important distinction at 154.7 calories for every 3 oz!

I was reading on one woman’s blog where she is going to make scarves to occupy her mind, body, and soul – or as she puts is, to distract her from the fridge. She’s deemed it a ‘project’ and is expecting to make a lot of scarves. I make bookmarks, when I feel inclined, and was thinking that would be a most excellent thing for me to do with my time when I need a distraction from the fridge. I don’t have the brain capacity to do much else after work. It’s not like I don’t have enough to do normally, but maybe I need to designate something specific. Regardless, it was a very cool idea. I’ll see how it pans out in reality.

As I type this I look around and see that I have tons of other stuff I could be doing besides making bookmarks…I think I’ll start by making a list of things that need to be done around here and when I run out of mindless work, I’ll make bookmarks.

So my goal now, aside from walking regularly, is to replace the after work eating (bad) habits with something that needs doing (or bookmarks).

I feel like I’m still just finding my bearings. Once I have a clearer picture, then I can reconfigure activity and calories to meet my goals. It would appear I’m much more dedicated this time around…

The package has arrived so I’m off!

Reality Check Week[tm] might have to become a weekly event!

Reading the blogs can really give you some motivation. I recommend it. You can see a little bit of yourself in everyone’s effort, and seeing it in another person’s words can give you some much needed perspective.

“Do or do not, there is no try.” Yoda.  I know this one, and it was a nice reminder.

A million years ago, when I was a runner, I used to run obsessively. I knew it was an unhealthy level of dedication, but I loved it and wasn’t going to stop just then. I wasn’t doing it because it kept me thin or because I was training for anything, I was doing it because when I was running I felt invincible, and that felt good. Although I did have a t-shirt that said, “I run for cheesecake.”  That was one of the benefits of running 5-plus miles a day and 10 on Sunday…a couple slices of cheese cake on the weekend had no noticeable affect on the bod. I totally took that for granted.

My efforts to get fit include the couch-potato-to-marathon program – although my immediate goal is simply to jog 45 minutes non-stop. I keep holding on to the memory of that feeling of invincibility and what it will feel like to have it again – and the satisfaction of having run 5 miles before toddling off to happy hour. .. .. maybe skipping the happy hour.

I was also reminded, from reading the blogs, that when I was thin my entire lifestyle was so incredibly different. It was nothing for me to get up at 5:50am which gave me just enough time to get into my running clothes and be on the street by 6am…bang out 5 miles, take a shower at be at work by 8am. It wasn’t something I dreaded, it was simply something I did as a matter of course. No big deal.  Try to get me up before 8am these days and you are tangling with a tiger, a very grumpy tiger (please note that I work until 9pm, don’t hate on me for getting up at 9am).

I don’t really like reminiscing about the past in this way or using phrases like “I used to…” or “When I was thin…” but right now –during REALTIY CHECK WEEK [tm] – I think it’s okay to look back and see that my behavior, or lifestyle, was a significant factor in how I looked.

Who knows, with any luck I’ll work myself around to getting up early to exercise – and at the very least, not dread it! Wouldn’t that be a dream!?!

Not too shabby...

The walk of 1000 miles begins with a single step. I went for a walk today. I got my blood pumping and even though there were still places with far too much ice/snow, I enjoyed the time outside. It also helped that it wasn't painfully cold outside, only 0°. After 8 weeks of below 0°, it feels almost springlike - so it was nice.

So there you have it...I took that first step.

I saw some people have this virtual rendition of what they look like on their profiles - so I searched on google and found a site that you can do it too...www.mvm.com - and you don't have to sign up or anything.

I plugged in my measurements and voila, a virtual rendition of myself. I went the extra mile and made it my desktop image. If that isn't a kick in the pants every time I look at my computer, which is quite often, I don't know what else is.

I need some shock people! I'm completely in denial of how I look, even though I remain unhappy with it. I really think it's not all that bad - until I get a look, then I think...oh gawd, I've really got to avert my eyes so I never see that hideous beast parading around with something resembling my face!

Yeah...I know that's not nice to say about myself but you know how I got this fat?  By being "nice" to myself. I was so forgiving of a little fat here and a few pounds there. And whenever something challenging came along and I wanted cake, I said...go ahead, you deserve a little cake - you just went through something hard, be kind to yourself and eat a nice little reward.

Sorry, you're going to read some tough words here, but I need to get real. I need to get tough. There might be tears, but kindness got me into this and I'm very sure it's not going to get me out.

So that's what I'm up to, confronting reality, and right now it still feels a bit shocking!

Reflecting on how I got here...

Easy Peasy

Yay!!  It's Friday! Friday is a day not to work but for anticipation of the weekend. Fridays are great! In Germany they call it "Friday Feeling"...not really sure how to translate it, but the meaning is clear enough. It feels good, even to work at a lame job, when it's Friday! Woo! Hoo! no-plans-for-the-weekend-but Woo! Hoo!

Okay, so after chewing on my blogs a bit (that's what they are for, right?), I think my objective should shift, entirely, to activity. I think my eating habits are fabulous, even with the occasional cookie, it's my activity level which is dire need of improvement.

So...there is still snow on the ground, and ice, and the temperature rarely goes above zero, so walking as an activity will be a chore. The upside is, that if I start now, I can watch the entire process as it turns from winter to spring. As it is right now I walk everywhere, living in a big city it's not a challenge, but what I want to do is go for a walk that serves no purpose other than to exercise.

I often hoof it to the supermarket and count that as activity, with a backpack full of bananas, apples, and cat food, the return trip burns more calories...but that's not fun, that's necessary. I'll have to do that even when I'm a stick figure. No more of this.

Yes... now I will try to make it out of the house every other day for a walk that gets my blood pumping and takes me nowhere. Yep. Thaaat's right. Not to the post office or bank...nope, just to walk. That's what I'm talking about. I'm always thinking I should combine and now I see that combining is not exercise, it's normal life - it's like... ... ... omg ... ... cheating!

I've been cheating on exercise! I never saw it like that until juuust now!

Shame on me! No...that's not good. No shame...just glad to reconfigure my routine to include some "for me" time, out and about and around just for me.

Okay, every other day. Easy-peasy.

repressing cookie consumption

I always think my food choices are spectacular, but maybe I need to get real. I've been kidding myself a little bit. I'm one of those people who feels deprived when on a "diet" and certainly my weight gain over the years was a result of not only lack of exercise but of rebelling against deprivation.

I remember saying once that I had cookies for breakfast...because I'm an adult and I can do such things. I was intending to mock children or parents or some dynamic thereof, but when you see the consequences of cookies for breakfast, I have to submit that maybe some parental guidance wouldn't hurt me one bit!

That rebellious mentality is far behind me and now I'm a veritable health nut. With the exception of my 2 cups of morning coffee, I eat like one should for maximum health. But last night with my basket full of broccoli, bananas, apples, and grapes, I cruised the cookie isle of the supermarket. Why would I do that, after months and months of not doing it? It confused me. I attempt to reignite my weight loss efforts and on my next trip to the supermarket, cruise for cookies. "Just looking" I told myself. But my mind was thinking that I needed and deserved to have cookies and could still be successful in my goals even with cookies. How on earth I got around to that idea is beyond me. I know better.

It boggles my little mind how the mind will sabotage changes you try to make. The funny thing is, not buying cookies isn't a change!!  I haven't bought or wanted cookies for months - nearly a year!

I read a book about a year ago that relied on hypnotic techniques in combination with appealing to logic and slightly skewed nutritional sensibility which changed how I relate to food. I’m no pushover but it had the intended result. I can safely say that processed foods lost all their appeal to me – even my beloved cheese. I know I like cheese, and I live in Europe with access to lots of interesting cheeses, and yet there isn’t an ounce in my body that is remotely interested in it. Proof to me that whatever technique this book employed worked it’s Voodoo on me.  Just as well.

I wonder how often I have bought something because that deprived part of my mindset took over and then discounted it because I, being the Queen of my temple, would never eat such garbage. Hmm… talk about repression! What I concluded after last night is, I think I eat bad things more often than I think I do.

It’s good to be aware of such things. It’s a step toward control.

All that said, I really feel that what I’m eating (nowadays) isn’t a point needing my attention. My lack of activity is. I really need to focus there. Really. No, really.

I think the worst part of being an out-of-shape-haven’t-done-anything-for-8-years-ex-jockette is, that no matter how bad your shape and condition is, you still think of yourself as a jock – so when you start out, and can’t do what you remember yourself doing, you feel L-A-M-E…and don’t want to do it again. It’s the worst! I tell ya!

2 years!?

All that Enthusiasm

I would seem I'm really good at summoning my spirit to get on board with my goals but my actual get-up-and-go doesn't follow.

So I've become exactly what I dread.  The person who starts and re-starts her efforts over and over again.  *yawn*  How very dreary of me.  The other dreadful thing is I have to reloose 15kg which I lost last year.  *double yawn*  Horrid! I tell you!  Simply horrid!

No sense beating myself up - doing so often leads to cake so better I just get on with it...again.  I don't know why I feel so defeated about having to start over.  Obviously I'm dillusional about my resolve and consequent ability to do exactly what I want to do.  It would explain a lot of the short-comings in my life. 

I find the procrastination is also my enemy.

Not a day goes by that I don't think about running.  I used to be quite addicted to it, and happily so.  2 weeks ago I downloanded all the information about 'starting' running in hopes that I would be re-motivated to use my get-up-and-go.  "Couch potatoe to marathon" program is what I call it.  It starts with walking 20 minutes a day every other day and ends in a marathon at week 564... or something like that. 

I've run two marathons in my life and it was fab - however, in reading all this material I've decided that a marathon is too ambitious for my more immediate goal: to loose weight.

Of course marathon training would also result in weight loss, but it's a little too hard-core for my brain to wrap around, so I'm going with the "couch potatoe to 10k guru) program instead.  10k used to be what I would run nearly everyday, 5k when I was exhausted form work.  I think mastering my old workout regiem is the best way to go - and I feel really good about this adjustment.

There it is again - my enthusiasm rearing it's decietful head.  Like I said, I downloaded this 2 weeks ago, printed it out on colored paper, neatly cut it out and hung it in a conspicuous place near my computer.  It taunts me you know... 2 weeks and I've not taken a step toward my goal.  I think of how I'd be on week three by now...

Get up and go!!!