It's been a few days since I've logged in here. I've been increasingly frustrated with my weight until today. Fortunately, I remained fairly patient with myself, and accepted the fact that not once in my history of attempts to lose weight have I lost so much as half a pound during the week before and the week of my period. This particular window of blockage does not typically last fourteen days. Maybe 5 days of PMS and around 4 days of actual period. Which is about how long I have been stuck consistently at the same weight. And wouldn't it figure, yesterday was my last day, and FINALLY I got down to 163. Talk about stubborn.
Well, suppose that'll be it for now... Got other nonsense to deal with, and then I'd like to read.
Oh, but 'fore I go... I had my second appointment today, and he upped my dose. I've got what basically looks like generic Adipex now; little white pills with blue dots, which is what my mother in law had when she let me try one of hers.
Okay, maybe not so dramatic. Eight pounds is nothing to sniff at, but I've stayed the same weight for like 11 days straight now. And yes... it is MY FAULT. ME ME ME. I do not deny it.
I am lazy, and generally do as little as I can get away with. It's hot. It's summer. My feet hurt like hell after standing for 8 hours. I feel like a motivated person is stuck inside of me, trying to get out but trapped in my dense veil of sloth and laziness.
Here's an idea I've considered though never pursued (if you're easily embarrassed, skip the next paragraphs until I say it's safe):
My sex life SUCKS. It sucks so bad that when I got a mysterious package today that the carrier service wanted to deliver to my work after calling to see where I was when they figured out I wasn't home, I briefly wondered if I was being served divorce papers! A stupid thought, because aside from no sex at all for more than a month now (and keep in mind, I'm only 20 years old), our marriage is fine. We get along and are civil and love each other. We spend time together, he is sensitive to my moods, concerned for my well-being, and very affectionate. But still, I know a sex-less relationship is hard for a 23-year-old guy, and I feel so bad for him. I hate feeling completely... uh... sexless, I guess is the best word for it. And yet, my desire is nill. I have no interest. I love my husband, and I still think he's the best. But I want no sex. And it's infuriating, particularly because I always told myself I would never be in a sexless marriage. And where am I now? Yeah, figures...
Anyway, my thought is this. I've read many times that sex is so totally good for people. Sex on top can burn like 250 cals in 30 minutes for women. It's good for blood pressure, sleep, appetite, metabolism... so many other things. It even balances feminine hormones and wards off that monthly hormone-induced depression. It's something I NEED. So, here's my plan... I'm just going to make myself do it. I'll treat it like working out for now, and I hear tell that the more often you do it (sex, anyway), the more often you want it. So, not only will I be re-connecting with my lover/best friend/husband (all the same person, just to be clear, lol), but I will be adding regular physical activity. Which I also need desperately. I just need to make myself do it. Easier said than done, I imagine, but once I've started, I'm sure I'll be glad that I have.
Okay, SAFE now.
By the way, I hate summer. I may not have to drive on ice or snow (which is a blessing in and of itself), but some days I wonder why I bother to make myself look nice. Halfway through my day, my hair will frizz and go stringy, my make-up will crease (Shadow Insurance or no), and the heat and the sweat make my skin break out like I've just started puberty. I'm still glad for no ice/snow though... stupid Kansas.
Well, beyond that, I just need to pay more attention to what I'm eating. I don't count calories, and I don't really aim for anything nutritional (although I've officially decided that I will only consume a small amount of "diet" or "light" anything-- I hate skim milk, I hate baked potato chips, light salad dressing, light mayo... yuck. If I want 'tato chips, I'm gonna eat some real frickin' tato chips. Just not the whole damn bag.)
I guess that's my wisdom upload for today. Take it as you will, although I wouldn't abide by too much of it. I've been called crazy on a regular basis, and for some reason, everyone keeps asking me what's wrong lately. I think I've just been distracted (or tired -- also my fault), and when I space out, I get some sort of angry look on my face... or something).
Well, the heat's got me down again. It's not as bad as yesterday, but I'm still feeling pretty awful. And I'm kinda upset that my stomach is actin up cuz I wanted to work out this evening, but I'd rather not make myself ill.
Maybe I'm just tired. I have to admit, I've been taking advantage of phen's energy-raising properties and have been getting very little sleep on work nights. I imagine that can run someone down. I suppose I just haven't really noticed it cuz phen keeps me fairly alert and focused for most of the day. I have brief and occasional dips in energy, but other than that generally don't feel tired. Maybe it's just materializing in other ways. Who knows... I guess it's just that since I don't have school for now, I don't feel the need to sleep as much. Ironically, however, I doubt I'll be getting much more sleep this coming semester. My advisor set me up with a pretty full schedule, but I'm actually looking forward to it. Now that I know what I really want to major in (and therefore have a goal), I have more reason to try hard in school, and to take more classes. I was gettin pretty worried there for a little bit... Thought I'd never figure out what I wanted to do with myself.
Anyway... At the moment, I'm tempted to take a nap, but I'm afraid I'll pass out only to wake up three hours later. I just like my evening times to do what I want... Just chill or whatever. I love to relax and have me-time. Maybe that's a reflection of my selfishness, but oh well. Everyone is selfish to some extent, anyway.
I haven't eaten much today, although most of that's been due to not feeling well. My calorie intake has been maybe only 300, and it's almost 7pm. Wow, that's actually really low... Weird thing is, I honestly don't mean to do it. I just forget to eat. Kind of a funny concept, considering how ravenous I would get pre-phen. But I'm hoping that with getting used to eating smaller amounts and making less of a big deal about food throughout my day, I'll be able to carry these habits with me into the post-phen world. That was my goal, anyway. I hoped it would work out kind of like chantix. Chantix takes all the joy out of smoking. I never had physical cravings, and if I ever did smoke, it tasted awful and I didn't feel better after having the cigarette. So I just quit smoking and left it alone. Granted, I replaced my smoking habit with my FIRST bad habit, which was compulsive over-eating. Which was how I ballooned up to 220 lbs to begin with. So, anyway, when I did quit smoking for two weeks, I gained like 10 pounds. I was horrified. HORRIFIED. So, I started again, and now phen is helping me lose weight. And once I've lost more weight, I'll start Chantix again, and HOPEFULLY with all these crazy meds, I can help train myself to live without these two bad habits. That's my plan, at least. And I'm pretty sure it'll work. If I can just get used to life without sucking cancer or constantly stuffing my face, I'll have fixed one of my biggest problems.
Well, I suppose I'm done rambling for now. I think I'll go read my new cosmo...
Wasn't feeling too well today at work. First, I thought about calling in, but then I figured I'd stick it out and see what happened... for a little bit, I kept getting more and more nauseous but I'm fine now. At first I wondered if it was the phen, but I've been on it two weeks now (or so) and not had nausea at all. I'm thinking it's just this sudden heat wave that did it to me, cuz I've been feeling ill since yesterday.
Anyway, I've lost 8 lbs since I started phen, which was... uh... When did I start it? Right, May 20. I've been at the same weight for the past couple days, but I've been drinking this weekend, plus my period is possibly thinking about starting soon. With any luck, I'll break through this mini-plateau pretty soon here.
Today, I was supposed to have reached a goal weight of 165 (I'm at 166), but I thought about it and it seems kinda arbitrary to aim for certain numbers by certain dates. Particularly since there are certain times of the month that nothing but starvation would shed even a pound. And somehow that just doesn't sound like something I should aim for.
So, as far as my mini goals go, I will simply consider them milestones in and of themselves. Whenever I get there, I get there. At this point, I'll just be happy to make it under 160 for my next goal. And from there, 155. From there, under 150... And so on.
I've been slacking on work-outs lately. Well, period, actually. Yesterday, I was extremely nauseated, so it was out of the question anyway. On the other hand, I only actually started my fitness routine on Thursday evening, so I guess I shouldn't be too hard on myself yet. I can just make up for yesterday tonight (if it's not scorching hot).
Well, I better scoot. Already been on lunch for an hour, so I better get back.
Just five pounds down and I'm already more confident. I'm not even back down to my consistent weight of the past three years and I feel better about myself. ATM I'm sittin here in short shorts and a tank (granted, I don't think I'd go out looking this way, and it is extremely hot upstairs right now...). But I don't feel self-conscious at all about my legs (which are my least favorite of my figure-- Thank god for good jeans).
I figured today I'd list myself some mini goals. Short term goals that will eventually lead me to my long-term goal. My current one is:
6/01: 165 lbs
And from there:
6/10: 160 6/25: 155 7/10: 150 7/25: 145 8/10: 140
Granted, this schedule sums up much quicker than my long term goal, which is 135 by November of this year. Why November? Well, I turn 21 November 11, and I wanna hold a party at my place. And I want to look and feel good. But the beauty of my short-term goals is that even if I don't meet them in time, I have LOADS of space to work with.
I tried to space these goals as five pounds every fifteen days, which is round about two and a half pounds a week. Which I hear tell is safe and acceptable and even expected.
I vaguely considered offering myself rewards for each goal met, but unfortunately I am flat broke and the best I can offer myself is small things that cost little or nothing. So, with each goal, I'll choose an appropriate reward for myself based on what I want at the time, and what I can manage. It would really suck to promise myself a new pair of jeans, then earn it, and not be able to buy it lol.
Well, I guess that's it for today. It's hotter by the computer than it is on the other side of the room, where the window unit is... So off I go.
Well, after four days on phen I've lost five pounds. Without even trying. What scares me about that is that I better start working out soon or I'm not going to be quite as excited about my weight loss as I could be if I prevented sagging to begin with.
My cold is much better. I actually had a fever last night. Low-grade, but still. That's one hellacious cold to leave me with a fever.
Work sucked. A Lot. So many people missing, and there was a big sale this weekend. Ah, the joys of retail...
At the moment, I'm drinking some nasty concoction of Pepsi Max and cheap cherry vodka. DELICIOUS. Not.
I have to admit, I haven't been counting calories. But I do watch my portions. For instance, my husband picked me up two McDonald's breakfast burritos. Generally, I would swiftly snarf both of them, and perhaps wish I had another. Instead, I just ate one before work. And that was enough. I was satisfied with that. Other than that, I noshed on some pizza pringles at work and then had a cheap TV dinner when I got home. Gotta love this phen stuff. It works almost perfectly with my appetite levels. It doesn't suppress it so bad that I simply would rather not eat or that I don't even know that my body wants food, but it also makes it easy for me to avoid snacking on whatever is in reach. It's really nice, I have to say.
Well, anyway. My feet are killing me, and I think I'm gonna go lounge and play some Pokemon or Sim Creator...
Woo, got tomorrow off! ... but then I gotta work Monday. Bleh. Stupid retail jobs...
Not really, but I suppose that really depends on one's intentions. If, for instance, I were to do what my mother did years ago (pretty much got my half-sisters' uncle to write her a scrip, then just took the pills and didn't eat much, lost 30 lbs, and learned nothing from the experience), then yes, I may lose weight, but the chances of my keeping it off are slim to none.
My approach is a little bit different, although let me pause to clarify that my mother is a very wise woman whose advise I trust above all else (in most areas of life, leastwise). That said, this is how I feel phentermine should be used to its best potential:
Phentermine is an appetite suppressant. To me, that means a few things. I've found in the past that when I restrict my calories, I develop crazy food obsessions which eventually lead me to binge. I also develop unrealistic delusions of hunger, simply because I know I've hit my calorie limit for the day and can have no more. But because I'm not hungry and my interest in food is diminished, I can spend more time figuring out how to work around food so that I'm just using it for what it's meant for: fuel. Not to say that food isn't a source of enjoyment. I, for one, prefer real foods. I don't like skim milk, and the only "diet" anything I really mess with is usually stuff like diet soda or sugar free jello. Beyond that, if I want cheese, I eat real cheese. If I want ice cream, I eat real ice cream. I just try to control myself (however, if I really had a good hold of myself in that department, I probably wouldn't be on this website anyway ha ha).
My problem is admittedly portion control. But equal portions of grosser foods are less satsifying than smaller portions of the same mashed potatos I wanted, with real whole milk and butter. I've found that not only is my appetite suppressed while taking this drug, but once I begin eating, I lose interest very quickly and simply stop. It's strange, because I've always had this compulsion to finish everything I have (assuming I enjoy the food in question). With this advantage, I hope to train myself to instinctively eat less, to get used to seeing smaller portions on my plate, or stopping when I know I don't really want or need anymore.
The other goal I have concerning this drug deals with the energy I get from it. Most of the time, I'd really like to work out. But once I've sat down to read or whatever, it takes a lot to convince myself to get up just to go pee. But after a few days of taking these pills, I feel that despite standing on my feet for eight hours, I could still manage a workout afterward... if not before. Even something as simple as pilates (which generally keeps me off my feet) would be MASSIVELY beneficial, particularly since it seems to me that my calorie control could help shed the pounds, while the pilates could help tone my body....
Okay, yes, I AM trying to talk my way out of cardio, but only meekly. I know it's necessary, but I despise it. It is SO BORING. And PAINFUL. Yes, I realize if I quit smoking it would be better, but I'll get to that at some point. Right now, I'm more worried about my weight. See, I quit smoking for two weeks... At the beginning of those two weeks, I weighed about 162. At the end, I was at 174. Needless to say, I picked that habit right back up. I'm sorry, but I've been huge before, and I'm not even thin now. I can NOT go back to what I was. I refuse. I don't care if people think that's vain and self-righteous, or if they want to tell me it's an excuse to keep smoking. I could care less. When I quit, I was fine. Yes, I did still want to smoke, but after the first few days, I got used to not smoking. The only problem was that I started to eat compulsively again, just replacing one bad habit with another...
But enough about bad things. I want to get into the habit of eating correct portion sizes of foods I love, and working out on a regular basis. Exercise has also been one of my major pitfalls. I am extraordinarily lazy, and I find much exercise to be boring and an interference with my relaxing time (which is basically all time outside of work, school, and homework). I like to read, watch movies, play online, play my nintendo DS... I don't like to move a lot, you see? Well, phentermine's kinda a wake-up for me, cuz it makes me feel like I NEED to move. Not in a jittery way, though. I just feel like I should be doing something. Sadly, the day I went to the doc for these pills, I was hit full-boar with a wretched summer cold. Frankly, if not for the congestion and dry, sore sinuses, I don't think I'd be bothered by at least doing pilates. But I know for sure that the heightened breathing would sting like no other, considering regular breathing is mildly uncomfortable as it is. So, until next Wednesday, I'm just focusing on my diet. Come week two, I will be over my cold and ready to start a workout routine. After all, what's the point of being skinny if you're saggy? I'd rather be a little pudgy and "tight" than skinny and saggy... I'm certain the latter is a much worse look. And it can only be avoided through regular exercise.
Well, this post has reached the point of ridiculously long, so I suppose I'll end it with that.
