I always heard other lifetime members complain that there is not enough support for them at Weight Watchers. Now I know first hand what they are talking about. I feel abandoned. Even the leader, who used to be so helpful, and told me she would "always be there" for me, has given me the cold shoulder.
I am in crisis right now. Since I became lifetime two weeks ago, I have been sliding. I had an unexpected gain when I weighed in the first week after making lifetime and that gain threw me for a loop. I lost all my motivation. Now I am up about 4 lbs from my lifetime weight. This trend is scaring me. I want to put an end to it but I am just not motivated.
In a way, I understand. By the time a member reaches this stage, they should know how to do it on their own. They should know that if they ever need support or help they can go to a meeting and get that help from the other members in the group. But it is so much harder for us (LT members). Those other folks are still trying to lose weight. They are working toward a goal. We have reached our goal. What is supposed to keep us going when there is nothing to look forward to but a life of counting points and worrying about food everyday?
I feel as though my world is coming apart around me. I just started a second job. I am tired. I get stressed out just thinking about the fact that I have to work a 14 hour day today between the two jobs. I get depressed thinking about all the missed opportunities that lay ahead of me - fun events that I will not be able to participate in because I will be working.
This program used to be the one thing that I felt I had control over. Then it failed me. That gain stole away any morsel of confidence I might have had. And the downward spiral began. So I turned to the leader for help, as I have been doing for so long now. And the response I got was "you know the program - just do the program as designed and developed." Ok, that is true, but how do I get the motivation back to do the program when I feel that my support system is gone?? Do I go to my meeting and tell the members there that their role model - their star - has fallen? What will that do to them?
So I guess I am alone. As I was in the beginning of this journey. To find my own way back onto that path.......wish me luck.
For me, the Weight Watchers experience has been about re-learning how to live.How to care about how I treat myself and how the choices I make (food, exercise, socializing) affect my overall health and well-being.
A woman named Retta who posts to an online weight loss support group I belong to posted this message and I wanted to share it with everyone I know who is also trying to learn how to make the best choices for their own overall well-being.
At my Weight Watchers meeting last week, someone asked me what the biggest psychological change I made was.I have been thinking about that question all week and I really think the following sums it up very well. I have learned when to say no, when to stop eating when I am full (even if I want more because it tastes so good), and that the feeling of hunger is not a bad thing to be corrected immediately.
I made a few spelling corrections and added the title:
We No Longer Fear Hunger
When we are overeating, our bodies seem to signal constant cravings.Now that we are practicing a sane way of eating, we find that our bodies are more responsive to what we put into them.We discover we are more satisfied with small amounts of food than with vast quantities of junk.Our bodies function better and we begin to hunger for wholesome, natural foods rather than the refined sugars and starches we formerly craved.Before we never had enough.Now we eat slowly and give our bodies time to signal cessation of hunger.We finish a meal replete and energized, rather than over-stuffed and sluggish.We wake up refreshed after fewer hours of sleep.Now we can accept periods of hunger before meals as good, rather than something to be feared and avoided at all cost.There is no law against being hungry at times – it adds to the enjoyment of our meals.As our bodies become healthier, we experience them with greater awareness and pleasure.
Today I became a lifetime member of Weight Watchers. Weigh in was 126 lbs for a total of 98.2 lbs lost. I never, ever thought that would be the end result of my weight loss journey. I just wanted to get rid of the weight I put on in college and the five years immediately after. I never expected my life to change as much as it has.
I had a great work out at the gym right after the WW meeting. An hour on the elliptical seemed easy and then I even got some weight lifting in. Why not? It was raining and I had nothing else to do today. Then I came home, took some "lifetime" pictures (see photo #2 on this page) and had a nice lunch - with a glass of champagne with strawberries! Nice way to treat myself for a job well done!
I actually feel different right now. I feel as though the lessons I have learned in this journey have made me a more mature, responsible person.
I am pretty sure that I have never said that to myself before. But today, as I was getting dressed, that is exactly what I thought. And two of my co-workers commented on how great - and thin - I look!
What a difference clothes can make! I am actually wearing clothes that fit me and that show off my figure a little. I do not have a lot of clothes that fit me right now but when I do wear something fitting, I feel great and I finally realize that, hey, I look good!
Well, after a long 3 year wait, I finally got to see X-MEN 3 (The Last Stand)! Okay, maybe deep down I am a nerd at heart, but I just love the X-Men movies. It is not so much the sci-fi aspect that I like though. I like that these movies make you think. It is the underlying social commentary, the lessons the movies are trying to teach, that I love.
Much like the "mutants" in the X-Men movies, I have always felt like a bit of an outsider - like I am not "normal" in some way. I am never good at assimilating into my environment. I am more of an observer. I watch people interact and observe social interactions but I do not jump in and try to become part of the "group."
In these movies, the mutants are trying to prove that despite being born a little bit different from everyone else, they are people too and they just want to be normal. Some of the mutants are accepting of their situation, while others are angry that they are different and want to make themselves "normal." In this, the third installment of the X-Men series, a "cure" for mutancy is introduced. Some of the mutants take the cure so that they can better fit into society.
What about me? Have I found my "cure?" The new life I have made for myself has given me a lot of things. Is confidence one of them? Will I finally feel "normal?"
Ok. Now that I have had lunch and had some time to reflect, I can look back on my last blog entry and make the following comments/observations...
I have been so irritable today. It is not acceptable. It is going to cause me trouble at work, with my friends, and with my family members. I can not be snapping at people because I am stressed out over what has been going on in my life.
The bottom line is that I can not let the number worry me so much. I know that I am always concerned with written records - what is down on paper - and that is why I am so concerned about what the weigh in is on Saturday. If I have gone above my goal weight (which is doubtful) I know that I will get back down. So that is not the problem. The problem for me is having the little WW book and the WW card at the center say plus ______ and have the _______ be a big number. Even though I technically have to gain at least 2 to be within 2 of goal. It is about my reputation. What will the receptionists think? What will my group think? Will they lose confidence in me? Will I no longer be their role model? OF COURSE NOT - it is ridiculous of me to think those things - but that is how I am. But I need to stop worrying about that. The important thing is that I am where I want to be and I have accomplished a lot. That cannot be erased by one number written on a piece of paper.
Last weekend (Memorial Day weekend) I went to visit my sister in Pennsylvania. I went to a WW center there and according to their scale I was down 4lbs. That makes me almost 4lbs below my goal weight. Therefore, I was supposed to add 2pts/day this week. So, what do I do? I have fun in Pennsylvania. We go out to eat on Saturday night and to a BBQ on Sunday. I was still pretty careful - more so than I ever would have been in the past - but I didn't care quite as much about how the points were adding up. I was proud that I only ate 1/2 of the burger on Saturday night and I got salad instead of fries. But I was still way over my points that day. Then Sunday. Did I really, really need to sample all of the desserts? Wouldn't just one of the low fat, 3pt mini cheesecakes I brought have been enough? I only had a small amount of food there but the desserts got me. What is with my sweet tooth? I used to eat sweets before but not like this. Is it my way of rebelling against eating healthier? So, needless to say, this weekend I used up the extra points for the week, all of my 35 flex, and then some. And it didn't stop there either. I also went over by 4pts on Monday. What the @*!&^# is wrong with me? I figure I have to gain 4lbs so I go crazy on sweets? NOT the way to do it at all. I am very disappointed with myself. I just added it all up and I figure I am 13pts over for this week already.
And that is just the beginning. I knew this week was going to be tough because even once I got through the long weekend there were two more "events" coming up: (1) a minor league baseball game on Tuesday and (2) dinner out on Thursday. I thought maybe I would save some of my flex points for those days but of course that did not happen. So last night I go to the ball game. During the day, I made the decision to not save too many points for the game because I didn't want to spend a lot of money on food there and I did not want to eat what I knew would be unhealthy food at the game. So I had saved 6pts. Then I had a couple of snacks and ended up arriving at the game with just 4pts left. Well, this was my first time at this ballpark so I did not really know what to expect. When I got there...I was overcome. I felt like an alcoholic at a bar. The food options were plentiful, not exactly low fat, and it all looked so good. It was all stuff that I like - or used to like before WW I should say. How depressing. I immediately realized that the most I could get away with would be a plain pretzel. I really wasn't hungry but all that food everywhere was killing me. Then my friend sits down and she has a hot dog and cheese fries. This is the girl I go to the gym with too! What the hell?!?! She runs, so I guess she figures that she must burn it all off. Then later she and my other friend, who works at WW, decide they want ice cream. It is very very difficult for me to say "no" to ice cream. Especially soft serve. There were Carvel booths at the ballpark. Soft serve vanilla ice cream in a waffle cone. Heck yeah I want that. The WW employee leans over and says "waffle cone?" But I didn't do it. They both came back with ice cream and all I could think about was how much more that would put me over my points. So I just told myself that (a) I can get Carvel anytime - there is a store in Norwalk; (b) I am better off not paying ballpark prices for food anyway; and (c) I had enough "fun" food this weekend.
I know I should feel good about surviving yesterday without going over my points. But I don't. The feeling was terrible and depressing.
I know that if I gain this week I can take it off again but the prospect of having to face the scale on Sat. is causing me stress. What if the scale in PA wasn't right to begin with?
I am so stressed out I can hardly concentrate on anything...
Well, I have spent the past two hours (i.e. the first two hours at work) online - e-mailing, doing searches, reading blogs. My inbox at work is empty but I do have a project I should/could be working on. Just can't get motivated to do it. It is a huge task and I am just sick of doing this kind of work. I go through this all the time. I get sick of it all. The same shit, different day. The daily grind. I am not one to stick to a regular routine. I do not have to do the same thing every day. But even working in the same job for any length of time or living in the same place gets me down. Maybe because I still have not found my "passion" - the one thing that makes me really happy - and I still have not found my dream home. I just renewed my lease so I guess I am stuck here for another year but I realized that I think I get the "3 year itch" when it comes to where I live. I lived in West Hartford for 3 years then moved here. I have been here for 3 years and now I want to move again. I have been in this profession for 2 years but every other job I had - even if I loved it at first - I got sick of. I didn't want to face another day doing the same shit again.
I also get that way about the Weight Watchers program. Yesterday I realized that I was unconsciously making a stupid, "rookie" mistake. I know this program. I know what I am supposed to do. But somehow I had convinced myself that I don't use enough skim milk in my tea for it to possibly count so I wasn't writing down the points for the milk. I had the same philosophy with the Hershey's lite syrup that I would have with a cup of chocolate milk or poured on a Weight Watchers ice cream bar (yes, it is that time of the month). I also realized that that glass of milk I was pouring was, in fact, a whole cup (probably more) of milk and that is a serving and a serving of skim milk is 2pts! Why did I convince myself that the milk and the chocolate syrup didn't count? Last night, luckily, I (a) ran out of Hershey's lite syrup (and will not be buying more) and (b) decided to look this stuff up in my WW materials!
But, at the same time it got me down a little. I was feeling GREAT about my new points allowance and how I was using the points this week. I was feeling like I had plenty of points to live on and I COULD do this forever. Now, I am depressed because if I want to have milk in my tea, it is going to cost me some points. And I have to measure milk. That is depressing too for some reason. I measured out 1 cup of skim milk, put it in one of my plastic containers and it joined the many other plastic containers in my fridge with little pieces of masking tape with numbers (points) on them. I brought that container of milk to work today (even though we have milk here) thinking that I will pour the milk into my tea and when all the milk in the container is gone, I will know I have used 2 pts. So, what did I do today? I had my tea without milk! Haha. I just can't imagine "losing" some of my points for something that I used to think was free. This all just seems like such a hassle sometimes. What has life come to when you are measuring out a cup of milk and worried about gaining weight if you don't measure it correctly and add up the points correctly? How much longer can I do this?
A great Weight Watchers leader taught me an important lesson and today that lesson saved me...it was about responsibility. She said that we all wish we could be kids forever because we didn't have all the responsibilities we have as adults. But we can't be kids forever. So, as adults, we have to be responsible - whether we like it or not.
It all started on Thursday. Something about the WW meeting I attended Wednesday night and the way my points were working out for Thursday and Friday really bothered me. I started to wonder if I really wanted to spend the rest of my life doing this - worrying about and concentrating on what I was going to eat, if I got enough exercise, and how all of that would affect my weight. Why couldn't I be like the "naturally thin" person who just does whatever comes naturally to them? Why did I have to work so hard just to get through the day? Does my weight really matter that much? Is the end result worth the hassle of constantly going back to the beginning - cleaning my "environment" and working my way through the various stages time and again?
Then last night I had a bit of a meltdown and I really just thought I was going to throw in the towel. My friends invited me to dinner and I knew I had to weigh in today but I wanted to go to dinner anyway. So I decided that I would eat a salad before I went, then at dinner I would just have one beer and a bowl of soup. But when I go out, I like to go all out. I like to enjoy myself. How could I enjoy myself if I felt like I was depriving myself? A bowl of soup and one beer? Come on! That is not fun! So I thought maybe I don't want to do this anymore. Is it really worth it? I did this program because I didn't want to feel deprived and on WW you can technically have anything you want. I was so depressed but I knew - from weighing myself at the gym - that I was already up a little this week and I didn't want to lose any of my new "extra" points if I showed a big gain at weigh in. So, I went and had the soup and beer. I wasn't that hungry so the soup was plenty and it was very good. But I was stressed out because the soup had a little bit of sausage in it and I was worried that the sodium would make me show a gain. I used to go out and have a burger, fries, several beers and sometimes even dessert and not feel guilty - now I am worried about a little sausage in a small bowl of soup? This is not fair! Meanwhile, the guys at the table next to us are enjoying an appetizer sampler and my friend is sitting across from me devouring a huge plate of onion rings! Why can't I do that anymore??? What if I didn't have to get on that scale the next day? What decision would I have made?
And today the answer came to me...
This morning on the news there was a story about Britney Spears and how everyone may be unfairly judging her for almost dropping her baby and for having the car seat facing the wrong way. The woman was saying that because Britney is a celebrity and is in the public eye she is more prone to close scrutiny. Every mother goes through stages of learning how to be a good mother and every parent makes stupid mistakes - that is how they learn to parent. But celebrities seem to be held to a higher standard because of their celebrity status.
Then today I arrived a little late to my WW meeting and a woman who I recently befriended did not see me come in and she started telling the group about a conversation that I had with her the other day and how I was trying to help her. Then, later in the day, I was walking out of the nail salon and another woman from my WW group saw me and called me over to talk. This woman was so frustrated last week that tears were literally streaming down her face. But today she was congratulating me on reaching goal, telling me I look great, and telling me that she lost 4 lbs this week. I think she wanted my encouragement and advice so I talked to her for a little bit.
I realized that while I am not a "celebrity" in the true sense of the word, I have, through my success, become a role model to the people in my WW group. I now have a responsibility to that group. They are counting on me to show them the way.
I also have a responsibility to myself. I made a decision to change my life. I have a responsibility to myself to stick to that decision.
I also realized that my "I don't want to say no to myself" attitude is not a responsible, adult attitude. By not depriving myself of anything, I have gotten myself into severe financial trouble and it is also how I got to be 200 lbs. When I decided to change my life, I became a more responsible person. I need to be responsible for my actions. I can no longer act now and pay later. By just having the soup last night, I possibly avoided a big gain that I would have had to spend the week working off. This is my new life and I must accept it and be happy with it.
This week I have been in "celebration mode" from reaching goal. Which is a good thing, except that I have also allowed myself to get a little lazy. First of all, I am battling a cold and PMS. So I should not be surprised to see that the scale at the gym says I am up about 3 lbs. Especially if you add in the celebratory foods I have been using my new "extra points" for. I had every intention of using those 28 points this week in a healthy way. Four points per day, all protein and fruit/veggies. But after working so hard all week and accomplishing my goal, I needed a break and I got way too lax about my food choices over the weekend. So, by Monday, a good amount of those extra points were gone.
I have also been too lazy about my exercise regimen this week. As I mentioned before, I am not feeling well this week. So I have let that become an excuse to not exercise as much or as hard as I normally do. I have still gotten some form of exercise every day, but it is nowhere near my usual level of activity.
Well, today something just snapped for me. I decided that I was NOT going to accept this laziness anymore! So what if I am not feeling well? It's probably just a cold! There is nothing wrong with my legs and my arms so why can't I still get on that elliptical machine and go for 45 minutes? So I did. I had a great workout this morning on the elliptical and I survived. I started getting tired and lazy and just pushed myself harder. Because I will not let my mind trick me into sabotaging what I have worked so hard for. If I let myself get lazy and lax about the program now, it will only lead to a downward spiral and everything that I have worked for in the past year and three months will be gone. I can not and will not let that happen. There is no going backward - only forward.
