I have never done this before so I don't know why it happened last night but I am happy with how I remedied the situation...
I found myself eating ice cream by the spoonful directly out of the carton and I probably finished close to half of the 1/2 gallon before I stopped myself and threw the whole carton in the garbage... It was that slow-churned light ice cream - 2 points for 1/2 cup - but still I had waaaaaaay more than 1/2 cup. Very disturbing.
I have heard people at WW meetings talking about how they used to eat a whole pint of ice cream. But I never did that. I would eat sweets before but never go on binges like this.
I had brought the ice cream to my Mom's house to have as dessert. It was her birthday and I made her a pistachio ice cream cake and I don't like pistachio so I brought my own ice cream. I wasn't hungry but I had some of the ice cream while she had her cake. Then I just went on this weird binge with sweets. First cookies then when I got home and was putting stuff away I opened that ice cream container and got a spoon and.... it was crazy. There was no logic to it. I felt satisfied - actually, guilty because I had two servings of the ice cream at Mom's and then went on the unexplained cookie binge - so I really can't figure out WHY I went back into the ice cream when I got home. Wow, this is scary. I want to be able to have that kind of stuff around and control myself around it but...how? I had a similar experience with these new Reeses snack packs I just discovered. Someone on the WW online message boards suggested that in order to avoid eating more than one at once, I should label all the bags with days of the week and only eat it on that day. I did that today and it worked. I ate the "Monday" bag. I had kind of forgotten about the bags actually. Then I got up this morning and was packing my lunch, thinking about how it's Monday and I hate Mondays and I thought "oh yeah, I have a Monday bag of Reeses snacksters..."
I am also feeling a little depressed. And stressed out by my schedule. And overwhelmed with all that is going on in my life right now. But I wasn't thinking about that last night. There was literally nothing going through my head when I got out that container. Will have to reflect on this for a while. Obviously there is something deep down within me that makes me go on these sweet tooth binges. I must get to the root of the problem before I can come up with a plan to manage it. Until then, that ice cream is comfortably in its final resting place as far as I am concerned.
HECK YEAH! I am so excited... This morning while I was getting ready to go to the gym I decided that I wanted to do something different - to break up the monotony a little bit. So I grabbed my running shoes and committed to giving it a try on the treadmill. I did a walk/run for 60 min. Walked for 5 min. then ran for 5 min. Then I took a long walking interval before the next 5 min. running. In all, I did two 5 min. intervals and two 10 min. intervals running, and tried to keep it at 5.8-6.0 MPH. I think I probably covered about 2 miles running! I am thrilled. It felt so great.
The first 5 min. running interval was probably a little too fast - I think I had it at about 6.5 MPH. But that is a common beginner's mistake according to the literature I have been reading. My legs felt a little rubbery, almost like they weren't there at all, and it took me a while to get used to the feeling of running on the treadmill (I have walked on the treadmill plenty of times before but I think it is a whole separate balance/coordination to run on it). But by the end of the 60 min. I felt that I really had the hang of it. It was great to do something different and now I can challenge myself to go for longer next time...
It's 5 a.m. Sunday and I have to leave in 15 min. to get to my second job, but I wanted to get a few thoughts for this next blog entry down - then I will add to it later...
"The past is the past and I am a new person now."
That is what I wanted to say to the woman in my Weight Watchers meeting yesterday who said that she still sees herself as a bigger person, a person who will always struggle with weight, even though she is now thin and a lifetime member of Weight Watchers.
But I didn't speak up because I was sort of lost in my own reflections. It was my first meeting back in a month. I did my monthly weigh in and was actually down 2.8 lbs for a total now of 101.8.
I missed my group a lot while I was gone and it was great to see them all. But I am glad that I had that time "off" because in that time I feel that I was able to step back, reflect on my situation in life, re-evaluate my goals, and re-focus.
As I was sitting in that room, I loved being with my group again but at the same time I felt apart from them. As though in the time I was gone I have matured and grown so much that I am no longer the person I was when I was last there.
I don't really know how to explain the feeling I had but I felt like I had become enlightened in the time I was gone and I have not quite figured out how to share that new knowledge with them.
More to come...
The meeting was about the stages WW members go through - changing your environment, adopting healthy behaviors, maintaining beliefs that will help you stick to the program, knowing that you have the capability to make the right choices for yourself, and changing your identity to that of a healthy, happy and active person. Identity is at the core of the circle that represents these different elements because it is the most important aspect. If you do not believe you deserve to be healthy, happy and active - if you do not believe that you are who you have become, you will not maintain your new self. But for me, it was never about identity. I never believed I was an overweight person. Even when I gained 80 lbs in college and the 5 years thereafter, I never realized exactly HOW big I had gotten until I saw myself in pictures. Then my sister got engaged and I realized that there would be wedding pictures and I did not want to look like THAT in the wedding pictures.
I had the identity of an average person. For me, it was not about identity - it was all about the behaviors. I always did whatever I wanted. I ate whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted, and how much I wanted. I never cared about the consequences on my health and weight. I was not that overweight as a child, even though I exercised these behaviors, because I was more active then. When I got to college, my activity level dropped - then completely vanished. But my unhealthy behaviors did not stop - and in fact got worse. That is when the pounds came pouring on. Now, when I see those behaviors creeping back - and believe me, they still do, I am able to catch myself or let myself indulge but only to a point. Because I have learned that the feeling of knowing that I made the more responsible, healthy choice will make me feel much better.
A minor victory that hopefully will blossom into a tremendous accomplishment...
Today I started running.
This is a big deal for me because I always used to HATE running. In grade school I always dreaded the day when we had to take the physical fitness test and "run the mile" (do 4 laps around the school track). I never ran the whole thing. Sometimes I walked the whole thing and didn't even try to run.
But that was the old Casey. The new me wants to push herself, challenge herself to try new things and to improve in any way she can. And the way I saw fit to improve on one of my exercise routines (a 5K walk) was to start running that route.
So a few days ago I finally got a chance to get to the store and buy some running shoes. It really helped that I was able to get a really hot pair of sneakers. Some athletic shoes are just plain ugly but I LOVE the ones I got. They are grey and light blue and so cool looking. And of course they fit wonderfully, which is more important.
Then yesterday I decided to wear the running shoes to the gym. I still did the elliptical but with the running shoes on. Just to get a feel for them.
This morning I had to be at work early and I didn't want to make my morning rushed by driving to the gym and having to shower there so I decided to do my 5K route instead. That would save me some time and I would be able to get dressed at home instead of at the gym. Once that decision was made it was almost automatic that I would try running some of my route. I read some articles on how to start running and a lot of people suggested doing a combination run/walk, especially at first. I knew I could handle that. I walked for a few minutes, then set a goal (the next stop light, the next block) and I would alternate walking and running. Overall my running time was maybe 5-10 minutes, but, hey it is a start!
Running was actually harder than I thought it would be. I figured that the motion I am doing on the elliptical is similar to a running motion and I am doing about 6 MPH on the elliptical and going for an hour, so running should feel about the same. Well, maybe it was the humid weather or just nerves, but I couldn't go very long running. I am still proud of myself and I am not going to throw in the towel. I am going to gradually work my way up to running that whole 5K. After that, who knows...only better things can come...
I just realized that people are still reading this blog so I thought I would give a quick update...
I have not started running yet, because I need to get some good running shoes first and I have not had time to go to the sports store and get my stride, etc. analyzed and have them help me pick out the right pair. BUT I have been reading articles on how to start training and proper running techniques and I am definitely getting geared up to start running!
I am very overwhelmed by my schedule right now. Two jobs, housesitting, pug rescue, three birthdays in my family this month, a death in the family, and the fact that my sister's wedding date is rapidly approaching...it is all catching up to me.
I have been doing a lot of emotional eating lately. Had another over-indulgent weekend last weekend and the guilt is weighing heavily on me. I thought I was going to get right back on track this week - lower my points, work on taking off anything I might have gained, concentrate on being healthy again...but I have had this unending hunger and I have been eating uncontrollably. Plus some emotions have been building up and overwhelming me. I broke down at work yesterday and cried for about half an hour.
So, I am going to take some time "off" from blogging and WW in general so that I can concentrate on my mental health. Then I will worry about my physical health. I am not going to go "off program" but I am also not going to beat myself up if I can't achieve all the WW goals I have for myself. I will be back with you all soon...
Okay, I need to get these feelings down in writing and hopefully that will help relieve some of the stress I feel right now...
This week is just plain overwhelming! Last weekend was a way over-indulgent, low-to-no activity sloth fest. I had a wonderful time and went to the most incredible wedding I have ever seen but now the guilt is just killing me. Especially since the rest of the week is also full of challenges! The ONLY relief I have is that I do not have to weigh in until the end of August. I have some time but that also means I can't go to a WW meeting this month until I am ready to weigh in. Not that I planned on going for a while anyway. That is another story altogether though.
So, this week. Here is the deal. We have two birthdays at work, which means cake Monday and Tuesday. I went to 20 pts/day for this week to make up for the weekend. So I am counting the cake - or at least estimating to the best of my ability. Who really knows how many points it is. And assuming I am counting the cake correctly I have stayed in the 20pts for the past two days. Tomorrow will bring some relief. No challenges. I am going to do a real, honest 20 pts and do my usual gym routine and all will be well (if the left over cake gets out of the fridge and/or I manage to stay away from it). Thursday, however, is another event involving fatty food and beer. It is my last chance to enjoy this event which runs for 6 weeks in the summer only. I am going to do 20pts to the best of my ability. Then Friday is a BBQ at my co-worker's house. I can have my cereal in the morning (which is only 2 pts) but that leaves 18 for the cook out which believe it or not will probably be tough. So I may be over that day. I will still get to the gym in the AM though. So how bad will it be? I don't really think I am making progress on recovering from the wedding this week but if I am avoiding gaining any more (if I did gain from the wedding - I am still too scared to weigh myself) that is good, right? Then next week there are no challenges that I know of so I can do 20 pt days again and lose some weight. It will be okay. I can do this. I know how. I am 10 lbs below goal anyway. It is okay... RIGHT? Only the scale will tell...
Well, it's official - I am back on track. I felt like I was over-indulging on the sweets at my new second job and I think the guilt alone made me feel like I had put on tons of weight.
I had lost faith. I was floating in the water with nothing to grasp onto...
I found a great deal of help and support in the Weight Watchers online message boards. I found a message board for lifetime members and posted a few messages there. It was just what I needed because those people were completely removed from the situation, knew nothing about me, and were able to give completely honest opinions and objective advice.
So last week I went to work on making myself feel better. I lowered my points a little, stepped up the exercise routine, and got back into a healthy mindframe. And I took the advice of someone on the WW message boards and weighed in at my meeting - even though I already had my weigh in for July.
If I didn't already know that I was "back," the scale confirmed it for me...down 2.2lbs! Now I am below my "lifetime" weight and at a total loss of 99 lbs!
The folks on the message board also reminded me that when we feel as though we are straying or floating around a bit, the best thing to do is to set a new goal. I did that before - I set a date to reach my goal weight - and it worked. So, here it is, my new goal: I am going to start running! I have a 5K route that I like to walk when I can't get to the gym - or sometimes just if it is a nice day and I feel like being outside. Well, last night I was doing that walk and I decided that I could run it! So I am going to do some research on how to start running and eventually I will be running that 5K!
I had such a vivid dream last night that it has stuck with me all morning.
I live in East Norwalk, CT. This section of town is separated from the South Norwalk section of town by the Norwalk River. It is not a very wide river but there is a draw bridge that goes over it. There is also a railroad bridge just down the river from the drawbridge. The bridge is not very big but in my dream it was a lot bigger, and the railroad tracks were part of the drawbridge.
In the dream, I was stopped at the light for the drawbridge and the bridge was up. A car had somehow gotten past the gate and was up near the opening, sliding backward toward the traffic light. Then, like a movie, my dream flashed to the next scene. Now I am on the other side of the bridge, in South Norwalk heading home to East Norwalk. There are a lot of other cars around me and we all start to drive over the bridge. Suddenly it starts to open. Cars are sliding backward. People are panicking. Luckily, I am on the left hand side of the bridge, near the railroad tracks, and I follow others onto the tracks. Those of us who drive over the railroad portion of the bridge make it safely. Somehow I end up outside of my car and have to jump from the tracks onto the grass on the other side of the bridge. I can see other people jumping from the tracks into the river. Cars are falling into the river. The dream flashes to the next scene and I am in my apartment, safe and alive.
I can't help but wonder if this dream means that I am finally "back on track." I have felt as though I was "falling off the wagon" and the past couple of days I have been slowly starting to feel better. Have I saved myself?
I feel very unhealthy today. I thought I was getting back on track with WW. Went to the gym a couple times. Did my 3 mile walk. Lowered my daily pts to make up for the gain. But I am still eating uncontrollably. Mostly sweets. Yes, I am PMS, but that is not the problem. Depression. Lack of motivation. Exhaustion. An overall feeling of illness. Those are the problems. Fortunately, I am going to my doctor tomorrow. I will find out the results of my latest blood tests (is my cholesterol still high? am I still anemic?) and I will ask him for a referral to a psychologist. I have been having some serious psychological issues lately and those are probably making it harder for me to stick to the WW program. Honestly, I don't even want to go to my meeting this Saturday. They always say that when you are off track and feeling discouraged is when you most need to be there - and that is the best thing to do - but I feel that if I do go at all I will literally get down on my hands and knees and crawl in there, my head hung low. I went to a meeting on Monday night. I think that helped a little in that I felt like I could maybe get back on track. But my behaviors the past two days have not proven that at all.
Today I feel very tired as well. I came home from work and took a nap. I had every intention of going to the gym but never made it. I went over my points. I was cold - even though it is in the mid 80s and HUMID here. I didn't even turn the A/C on until a little while ago (so I can sleep comfortably) and I am wearing a long sleeve shirt and pants. Hmmm... something is definitely amiss here.
