Well, this week at my weigh in I was down 0.4 lbs. Which was kind of surprising since I didn't really follow the Weight Watchers program! I did journal what I ate (except for a few days and I went back and tried to fill them in but forgot what I ate) but I did not count points nor did I pay attention to the "good health guidelines." I did pay more attention to what I was eating and I did try to work on not eating when I wasn't hungry and curbing my "emotional eating." I did eat a lot of "crap" and I am not proud of my efforts and I had a brief thought that maybe I would not go to my meeting or go but not weigh in. Then I decided that there is nothing wrong with taking it slow. The last time I did Weight Watchers, I jumped in feet first and was "Gung Ho" the whole time. And I got burned out. Now, I have decided that I will just take my time and get back into it one piece at a time. At least I am writing down what I eat. That awareness will help me and perhaps I will think first before giving in to a craving. I am exercising almost as much as I did the last time I did Weight Watchers, and I am less likely to skip going to the gym now that I am back at Weight Watchers. I am thinking about what I eat a little more. Even if I do still eat unhealthy foods, at least I am thinking about it and giving myself a choice not to! And it's OK. This time around, I am not going to be so hard on myself or strict with myself. I am going to cut myself some slack and slowly ease back into it. And, you know what? I think that will make it stick even more this time. It will be a more realistic way of doing Weight Watchers and hopefully a more sustainable lifestyle for me to keep up!
Okay, so there has been some big time drama in my life lately and, well, I have not been able to focus on taking care of myself...so here I am, weighing in at a whopping 154.8. And feeling pretty gross and unhealthy. Mentally and physically. So, last week I decided to break free from the drama for one night and do something for myself. I went back to my Weight Watchers meeting. I literally was fighting back tears the entire time I was there. I was hardly paying attention to what the leader was saying. I was there to observe and absorb. I looked around the room at all of the inspirational posters, the "props" prominently displayed, ready to help and guide you on your weight loss journey, the pictures and inspirational stories of proud successful members. And I listened to the other members at the meeting. I listened as they laughed together, shared stories, encouraged and helped each other. I missed that so much. That sense of community and support. That is what has been missing from my life lately...SUPPORT. I could not support myself and I could not reach out to others because I was so wrapped up in the emotional turmoil in my life that I forgot anyone else was there. So, I cried. I let myself feel and experience my emotions. It was OK. I was going to get back to doing something for ME. Taking care of ME. And my leader stopped me on my way out and gave me a big hug and said "welcome back." And that was all I needed. I was back. It was time.
I didn't weigh in at that meeting last week but last night I went back again and started over. I weighed in, got a new card, new materials, even participated in the meeting. And I feel good. I feel confident and powerful. I am taking control. I even feel as though I am better able to control and deal with the drama in my life because now I finally care about me and doing what is right for me. Not only am I going to work on getting back to my goal weight, but I am going to work on improving my life as a whole. Big changes are coming... and I am ready for them!
I am an emotional eater. I eat when I am depressed, lonely, angry, happy, stressed out, and tired. If I look back into my past, I can recognize the fact that I have always been an emotional eater. It is part of my history and a symptom of my psychological disorder - borderline personality disorder (BPD). People who suffer from BPD experience overwhelming emotions and unstable relationships. Our coping mechanisms for dealing with overwhelming emotions and crises in our lives tend to be somewhat flawed and often self-destructive. For me, as for many "borderlines," eating is a coping mechanism. Food makes me happy, distracts me from my painful reality, fills a void and comforts me. When I was younger, I was always a little overweight, but not "obese." So I never really recognized or dealt with my unhealthy relationship with food. Then, in 2005, at 224 lbs and facing the terror of wearing a bridesmaid's dress, I joined Weight Watchers. I followed the program, but I did it my way. My way allowed for my disordered eating habits to continue. The only difference was that I would have to make up for my bingeing in order to stay on track to lose weight. So, looking back, I would say that I never really learned how to do the Weight Watchers program the right way. When done the right way, this program teaches you how to recognize your food issues and work through them. I recognized my food issues and found a way to hold on to them and still lose weight. Now, almost two years after reaching my goal weight, I am unhappy with my weight and frustrated with my eating habits. I am finally accepting the fact that a need to make a fundamental change. I need to find a substitute coping strategy for the emotional eating that I have always fallen back on. I am faced with a daunting task. To leave behind something that has always "worked" for me, has helped me to stablize my emotions and face my reality, and get through difficult times and replace it with something else. Something healthier. It seems like so much work! And, hey, why fix something if it ain't broken? Eating has always "worked" for me in the past, so why change my ways? Well, because eating really hasn't worked for me, has it? I mean, I sit here today with my thighs rubbing together and my belly pouring over the top of my skirt and I am angry and frustrated and I know that it is because I have been binge eating lately. I ate a whole box of chocolates in the past two days. Because I was stressed out at work. Because I am excited about my upcoming trip to visit my sister in California. Because the chocolates were so good and I really appreciated the gift. And now, today, I am depressed because I ate so much this week when I intended to get back "on track" with eating healthy and exercising. I am depressed because of some mistakes I made at work. I am stressed out because of the amount of work I have to do before I leave for vacation. I am frustrated. And what is the first thought that pops into my mind? FOOD. I just want to go buy some cookies or candy and eat the whole package. I want to stuff myself. Stuff my emotions. Distract myself from reality. Punish myself for feeling this way. But fortunately, I summoned the inner strength to PAUSE and think about the consequences. What happened the last time I did that? How did I feel afterward? Did bingeing really make my problems go away? Did it make me feel better? Well, maybe for a little while I was happy because I was enjoying the food, but in the end I had to return to reality and my problems did not magically disappear. in fact, I only created more problems - weight and health problems. So today, it STOPS. Today I will begin to analyze my flawed coping mechanism and I will ask myself WHY? Why food? Why do I use eating to cope? Aren't there better, healthier, more responsible and mature ways to deal with my emotions and crises? How can I get through my problems in a responsible way that makes me feel proud? My old coping mechanism only led to self-loathing and regret. My new goal is to come out of these crises feeling successful, strong, and mature.
My message to you, almost two years after reaching my goal weight, is: don't ever stop paying attention! Even after you reach your goal, the work is not over. You can not just ignore the bad habits when they start to creep back. You can not avoid the scale and the nutritional information or portion sizes of what you are consuming. You have committed to a new lifestyle and you must embrace and come to love and respect that lifestyle. Or else, like me, you will find yourself 20lbs above goal and stewing in self-hatred. Luckily for me, I have made myself aware of this problem and made a decision to re-commit to the healthy way of living that I was once so proud of! I AM a Weight Watchers Member - I can not forget that!
As I stated before, the real motivating force behind my decision to join Weight Watchers and my commitment to losing weight was my sister's pending wedding. I wanted to be proud of how I looked in my bridesmaid dress in the wedding pictures. I didn't want to be the fat girl in the pictures. I knew she would cherish the photos no matter how I or anyone else looked in them, but I would have been ashamed to look back at them years from now and see myself the way I was before Weight Watchers.
While I set - and achieved - many goals during my weight loss journey, the one underlying goal was to be beautiful at that wedding.
My ultimate goal has finally been accomplished. On October 14, 2006, I walked down the aisle at my sister's wedding wearing a size 6 dress and beaming with pride - for myself, for my sister, for my whole family.
I will conclude this blog with a picture of my Mom with all four of her daughters at the wedding reception. Please see the "my photos" section of this website.
I realize that the accomplishment of this goal does not mean I am "done" with Weight Watchers. While I can now define myself as a "thin" or "normal weight" person, I will continue to work hard to maintain my weight and also to improve my overall health. I also must learn HOW to be the new person that I am.
I just wanted to let all my "fans" know that I have started a new website. Here is the address: http://www.freewebs.com/cjaykus/
This weight loss journey has obviously been an enormous part of my life in the past year and half or so, but now I need to also work on improving other aspects of my life and I needed a forum that was more appropriate to do that. There is a link to this blog on the new website, but I will probably only be posting to that site from now on.
I do want to give thanks to extrapounds.com for giving me the opportunity to have my first website and share my weight loss journey with others...
Today I went back to my meeting. I didn't make it last week, which was the first week in September, so I was required to weigh in today. I was dreading the weigh in. I have been binge eating for basically two weeks straight. My psychological issues have been getting me down. I have been stressed out and very emotional. And I am PMS. But the folks on the WW online message boards convinced me to just go to the meeting, weigh in, and move on with life. Get it over with. Face the music.
So I did. I was up 2.2lbs. Not nearly as much as I thought I would be. I learned a very important lesson though: I can not place so much importance on what the scale says. If I need my meeting, I should go to the meeting instead of avoiding it because I don't want to weigh in. I need to focus on my health, not on the number on the scale. What I did to myself to make sure that that number was not too high was NOT healthy. I need to learn to focus on doing the program, accepting the occasional slip up, and moving on. I do not feel good about what I just put myself - and my body - through. This became evident this morning at the gym. I tried to do my usual hour long work out on the elliptical right after my meeting. I got on the elliptical and my legs were feeling achey and tired, even just 2 minutes into it. And I wasn't even going my normal pace. I started to feel dizzy - probably as a result of the binge/purge with laxatives lately, the lack of sleep last night due to anxiety over weigh in this morning, AND on top of all of that, I took (for the first time ever) some Pamprin (PMS relief medicine) this morning because (a) it reduces bloat and (b) it is a diuretic. I felt woozy all morning from the medicine but I THOUGHT I was feeling better enough by the time I got to the gym.
I really wanted to get a good work out in because I can not make it to the gym tomorrow, but I realized that it was not worth it to injure myself or make myself sick. I had to focus on my health, not on how much food I would or would not be able to eat if I did not get my usual work out in. I also cannot focus on taking off the 2.2lbs. My weight is fine right now. I can focus on maintaining and being healthy. So I got off the elliptical after just 45 min. Hopefully this is the first step in the right direction.
As it turns out, there were two witnesses who saw my car get hit and gave the officer sworn statements. As a result, the officer was able to track down the offender, who will be charged with unsafe backing and leaving the scene of an accident. All I can say is WHAT A RELIEF! I got very little done today. I was so distracted and depressed. I thought for sure that I would have to come up with the $500 deductible. But I am saved. It seems that while life does throw me a lot of curve balls, there is always hope in the good nature of others. For them I am very grateful. To the officer, who I went to high school with (and always thought was CUTE), I am very thankful.
So, I have been doing a lot of emotional binge eating lately. Carbs especially have been a problem for me. I find myself giving in to cravings - even when I am not hungry. This was a battle that I fought - and thought I had gotten a handle on - very early in my WW journey. One of the first things I taught myself to do was to say "no, you don't need that" when a craving came on. For example, in my pre-WW days, if I was craving Reeses Peanut Butter cups or doritos, ice cream, whatever, I would just go to the nearest convenience store and buy whatever it was and eat it. I realized very early on that this behavior was not going to be beneficial to my weight loss. But I have back slided - big time - due to emotional/psychological issues. One of those issues involves being stressed over finances. For example, I am realizing that I really don't have any fall/winter clothes that still fit me that I can wear to work/going out. So I need to buy some clothes. I also need to get some work done on my car. And I need to start thinking about paying for the hotel room for my sister's wedding - now only a month away. Among other things. But even with working two jobs I just do not have the money to do all these things.
Anyway, what was basically a whole week of binge eating definitely made me feel (a) depressed; (b) guilty; and (c) angry with myself. SO today, before I left for work (second job - Starbucks) I made myself journal what I had eaten today, knowing/hoping that when I saw that I was already over my points for the day, I would better be able to stay away from the pastries at Starbucks. As I headed out for work I decided that today would be the first shift I worked at Starbucks that I did not eat any of the broken/discarded pastries - or any pieces of them I should say, since I don't eat a whole one, just the broken pieces. I even wrote myself a note to that effect and put it in my pocket.
And I did not eat anything the whole shift. But I brought some home for another day. Probably a bad idea. I will most likely throw those out. I have to get them out of here. Especially now that this new stress has entered my life... Here is what happened:
I go out to my car at 11:!5 pm after my shift and discover a nice dent by the driver's side front tire. And a business card with a note from a police officer "Your vehicle has been involved in a hit and run. I am investigating the accident. If you have any questions, please call the number on the front." Well, yes, officer, as a matter of fact I DO have some questions...such as what the H**L happened?!?! My car was parked literally across the street from where I was working. I almost could have seen it from Starbucks!!!!! And what does "investigating the accident" mean? Is there a chance that the responsible party will be found? Were there witnesses? There must have been - or there would be no note from the police. For that I am thankful. But in the end I still see myself having to come up with a $500 insurance deductible which, guess what, I CAN'T PAY!!!!!!!! I really need this right now!!!!!!!!!!! Those pastries are sounding very tempting right now but I decided to sit down and write this blog entry instead. And I poured myself a tall drink. Wouldn't you?!?!? Now I am going to bed. I hope this drink helps me to sleep through the night...
I have just endured four days of binge eating, depression and emotional distress. So today when I got up I decided to try to get a grip on all of that. I weighed myself at the gym, knowing that seeing the damage I have done in the past few days will motivate me to get back on track. I was up 3lbs. I think the last time I weighed myself was last Thursday so that is 3lbs in less than a week. So that did motivate me to get a good work out in. Then I decided that I would not allow myself to snack at work today. I would not give in to the dried fruit in the kitchen or the candy in the candy jar. I would stick within my points and journal everything. When I go to my second job (Starbucks) tonight, I will not TOUCH the pastries.
It was a good plan and I thought I would stick with it. Then I was turning out of my driveway and side-swiped a street sign. I heard a crunch so I knew my car didn't look good. It is not terrible but still not good. Definitely want to get it fixed. But no money to do that. I really think that I was just too darn distracted with all that is going on in my life. I mean, the sign is too close to my driveway, and I have a very narrow driveway so you do have to make a pretty tight turn coming out of there, but if I had been paying a little more attention it would not have happened. I have lived there long enough to know about the sign.
Then I stop at Wal-Mart to get a few things and I am wandering around aimlessly. Can't remember what I was there for. Finally remember a few things I needed and go look for those items, but decide that I don't feel like dealing with it now so I leave with nothing. Then I get to work and it is one urgent project after another. Not hungry at all but had about 4pts worth of candy. Then I felt guilty about not sticking to my promise to myself. So I posted a message to the Weight Watchers online message board, confessing to the 4pts in candy, and asking people to post healthier things that I COULD have spent those points on. I started by saying "my favorite bean salad; the soup I packed for lunch; or a plain fat free yogurt with fresh fruit - all 4pts or less." I figured that seeing that there were so many more satisfying choices would help me to stay away from the candy for the rest of the day. So far I have not touched the candy but I have gotten into the dried fruit. I still had points to spend today so I journaled the fruit.
I still feel down though. I just want to go home and crawl into bed, but I have to work at my second job tonight. Just the thought of 7 more hours of work today makes me even more depressed...
