Why FOOD?

I am an emotional eater.  I eat when I am depressed, lonely, angry, happy, stressed out, and tired.  If I look back into my past, I can recognize the fact that I have always been an emotional eater.  It is part of my history and a symptom of my psychological disorder - borderline personality disorder (BPD).  People who suffer from BPD experience overwhelming emotions and unstable relationships.  Our coping mechanisms for dealing with overwhelming emotions and crises in our lives tend to be somewhat flawed and often self-destructive.  For me, as for many "borderlines," eating is a coping mechanism.  Food makes me happy, distracts me from my painful reality, fills a void and comforts me.  When I was younger, I was always a little overweight, but not "obese."  So I never really recognized or dealt with my unhealthy relationship with food.   Then, in 2005, at 224 lbs and facing the terror of wearing a bridesmaid's dress, I joined Weight Watchers.  I followed the program, but I did it my way.  My way allowed for my disordered eating habits to continue.  The only difference was that I would have to make up for my bingeing in order to stay on track to lose weight.  So, looking back, I would say that I never really learned how to do the Weight Watchers program the right way.  When done the right way, this program teaches you how to recognize your food issues and work through them.  I recognized my food issues and found a way to hold on to them and still lose weight.  Now, almost two years after reaching my goal weight, I am unhappy with my weight and frustrated with my eating habits.  I am finally accepting the fact that a need to make a fundamental change.  I need to find a substitute coping strategy for the emotional eating that I have always fallen back on.  I am faced with a daunting task.  To leave behind something that has always "worked" for me, has helped me to stablize my emotions and face my reality, and get through difficult times and replace it with something else.  Something healthier.  It seems like so much work!  And, hey, why fix something if it ain't broken?  Eating has always "worked" for me in the past, so why change my ways?  Well, because eating really hasn't worked for me, has it?  I mean, I sit here today with my thighs rubbing together and my belly pouring over the top of my skirt and I am angry and frustrated and I know that it is because I have been binge eating lately.  I ate a whole box of chocolates in the past two days.  Because I was stressed out at work.  Because I am excited about my upcoming trip to visit my sister in California.  Because the chocolates were so good and I really appreciated the gift.  And now, today, I am depressed because I ate so much this week when I intended to get back "on track" with eating healthy and exercising.  I am depressed because of some mistakes I made at work.  I am stressed out because of the amount of work I have to do before I leave for vacation.  I am frustrated.  And what is the first thought that pops into my mind?  FOOD.  I just want to go buy some cookies or candy and eat the whole package.  I want to stuff myself.  Stuff my emotions.  Distract myself from reality.  Punish myself for feeling this way.  But fortunately, I summoned the inner strength to PAUSE and think about the consequences.  What happened the last time I did that?  How did I feel afterward?  Did bingeing really make my problems go away?  Did it make me feel better?  Well, maybe for a little while I was happy because I was enjoying the food, but in the end I had to return to reality and my problems did not magically disappear.  in fact, I only created more problems - weight and health problems.  So today, it STOPS.  Today I will begin to analyze my flawed coping mechanism and I will ask myself WHY?  Why food?  Why do I use eating to cope?  Aren't there better, healthier, more responsible and mature ways to deal with my emotions and crises?  How can I get through my problems in  a responsible way that makes me feel proud?  My  old coping mechanism  only led to self-loathing and regret.   My new goal is to come out of these crises feeling successful, strong, and mature.