It's been a so-so week and now i'm looking forward to the weekend hoping it won't be too bad.
My back just won't give in. And the pain is going well into my right leg. Today it's so bad I called the consultant who's fixing my MRI appointment cause I haven't heard anything yet and his wife told me he's abroad until Tuesday - I will just have tolump it at least until then when he might shed some light. Today I'mtaking two of my nephew to a hotel overnight stay - I do not feel like it as I have to keep them entertained and it's going to require effort feeling as I do hoping I don't get worse. But what is the alternative? Letting them down and staying home having time going by very very slowly - maybe hanging out with my niece and nephew will take my mindoff my back and leg and my ailing health. I can't belive my body has let me down so much - last week the Small Nations Games were held in Monaco - 6 years ago I played in these games and was in the national volleyball team that won a historic bronze medal at the games held in San Marino that year. Now I cannot even walk without pain and it hits me hard when I think about it - so I try not to think about but as you can read - I am not successful in doing that.
On the weight front well I think at least I did not gain this week. Eating lots of ice-cream - becuase of my pain and also because I was sort-of dumped after the 1st date by someone I though would have been good for me. Well, happy weekend girls, we'll hopefully meeting Monday.
Hello girlfriends, long time no hear from me. Hope you are all doing well. I got a couple of emails from you these last 2 weeks and I really appreciate.
So what is news this part of the world? Last week my back was really good and I thought ah - road to recovery. But noooooooo, I could feel it going worse again from Sunday and today it's hell pain again. Good thing I had a doctor's appt last week which I did not postpone and now i'm having an MRI for my lower back. Yes ladies, another MRI. Still waiting for appointment. So hope it does not get worse until then - pain is shooting from my right lower back to my right leg.
Weight loss - I have gained 3 of the 7kg I had lost. Trying to get on track but failing miserably. And I'm getting no exercise at all which is obviously not helping matters. Today I'm going to swim a bit with my niece. Hope it does some good on all fronts.
Other things -well I have much more free time now as I'm only working 8 - 12pm and then nothing though I'm helping my nephew in his exams. I am looking forward to starting my B SC Computing introductory course in Maths - should start in 2 weeks time though no time-table yet. If I get through this course successfully I can go on to start a B. Sc part-time in Computing. Hope it's not too difficult - the only thing I remember from my school maths is the four basic operations in =, -, x and /.
On the dating front - I went out with this really interesting person but I'm not sure he is that interested. He is awfully busy but I'm sure not so busy he does not have the time for another meeting!!!! I asked him point blank if he wanted to meet again and that if he is giving me the busy excuse not to hurt my feelings he can go ahead and be honest. But noooooooo, he says he's just busy and that he's interested. And that was 3 weeks ago. So better forget him now. Still it's good to know that interesting people are still available - I consider myself interesting after all. Or maybe I'm not.
My back - X-ray showed things that apparently were there from birth but nothing serious. Except the pain of course. Doctor gave me a 14-day course of anti-inflammatories and fora week i'm doing nothing except taking them, then I have to see physio. If I'm still in pain after these 14 days , then there are other options such as injections, etc.... At this point, I did not and am not bothering with discovering the etc...
My knee - Two years ago I had an operation on my knee, the 4th one, to take out the metal clips inserted in the 2nd operation. The idea behind this was so that the next time my knee played up I would not have to have another arthroscopy to find out what's happening but could get an MRI. Sure enough, as you lovely friends know, I went for my MRI. Well, yesterday I was told that nothing in the MRI can justify the extreme discomfort I'm feeling in the knee. Advise offered? Let's do an arthroscopy - that would mean a 5th operation!!! Now the scenario is this, I'm not insured on the knee as it was a pre-insurance condition. Last operation I did 2 years ago I paid for it myself and then spent a year working to pay it off the knee finished up more messed up then ever. I really do not have any intention of going private again and jeopardise my financial situation again for an explarotary surgery. If I go government it will be a good 3 years before it's done, at least. I might go on the waiting list anyway just because I have nothing to lose and in 3 years time my knee will probably be worse than ever. Financial consideration apart, even if I had to go for the surgery now, this will be my 5th surgery and while my surgeon seems to be very knife-happy, the toll it's taking on my knee is not good and there is a good chance the trauma of another surgery for my knee could be really bad for the whole thing. So I could actually discover what is wrong with it and in the meantime cause more damage throughall the prodding the poor thing has gone through. And there must be some pretty damaged tissue in there. Doctor also suggested a set of 5 injections where new joint oil is inserted in the knee which might help. The emphasis was strictly on the MIGHT as he madeit clear that he has no idea what exactly is the problem cause my MRI really came back pretty clean!!!!! He only suggested the injections cause some people had good results with them.
So what I'm doing now is this. I'm staying put re: the knee - except going on government waiting list cause really I have nothing to loose there. But for now no injections. First step is get rid of back pain and then take it from there. Physically I'm stuck cause no exercise not even swimming. WEight has crept in - I can feel the tightening of clothes and the scales show a good 6-8lbs gain from the 14lbs I had lost.
We'll see how it goes. I'mtrying to take it a day at a time. For now I'moff - You all have a great weekend. XXX
Don't know if anyone will read this post. I had told everyone I was off until the end of the month for sure but I need to vent some anger and worries somewhere.
Things seem to be going from bad to worse. Not only my knee is bad now - still waiting for those blessed results - but now my back is going bad as well. It seems due to the numeorus interventions on the left leg, this has become a good half an inch longer than the right leg. And since I have been relying on the right side of the body, my posture has changed in a way that my spine has changed from the lower end and now I'm in pain all the time. The cherry on the cake is that this is irreversible. I'm having an x-ray on Monday but the experts seem pretty much convinced it is so. If it is so the only thing we can hope for is that it does not aggravate since what's done is done. Now it seems that since it is very difficult to change the posture at this age, it is very unlikely that things will not aggravate and things are already bad as it is as even in lying down to sleep, my lower back hurts terribly. Now I know other people go through much worse - I see them all the time - a 19-year old at my village got meningitis and survived but lost all four limbs, a refugee boy came on a boat that had a good 30 people on it along with all his family and he was the only survivor having seen all the family drown, a family whose son had cancer and is still going through the works of it found that the father has a brain tumour albeit a benign one but he had to have surgery and is very slowly recuperating and I can think of tens of other people who have it much worse than me. And I admire them as they positively move forward and smile. Well, I might be a selfish bitch in my pain but even with my belief in God and that everything happens for a reason I am angry and sad and defeated by this whole process called life. I obviously don't let out any of this here so Karen if you're reading this, hope you are feeling much better and please do not mention my back or anything to my folks. They know nothing. But it's difficult to keep the normal front, although I was never one to be really jovial, at home. Moreover, I'm getting fed up with pretty much everyone here looking at me for solutions or to keep peace or to get someone out of a tight corner. I'm tired and in pain and fed up. I have always been of the idea that death is better than pain and while I will not kill myself, I still think death is more preferable than ongoing pain.
Obviously weight loss is out of the window and weight gain back on the agenda. I cannot even walk now for long distances and last week even swimming brought more pain so exercise wise I'm really in happy land. Can't sit down for a long time at a time and lying down is only straight face up without pillow. So what's there to do but eat and try and drown my anger?
On second thoughts I hope no-one reads this. It will not make anyone feel better.
Just a short note to let you know that I won't be blogging until at least end of May. I just need not to read, write or think about weight related issues for a while so I'm taking a 3 week break from it all. I will hopefully get back in June. In the meantime, keep up the good work and stay strong.
Today I'm having my MRI done. 3pm which means in 7hr 30mins. I won't be given the results today. Actually, MRI results are readily available as soon as you do them. But since I'm doing them at the government hospital and not privately you have to go through the making an appointment with the doctor routine who then gives the official results. I'm just happy I'm finally getting to the bottom of this although Imight not like what I hear eventually. My hips and bum are not as sore now and tomorrow I'll resume exercise with a nice pilates class.
And I'm not having liposuction done even though yesterday's blog mentioned it. I hate going under the knife (who does except those mentally sick people who actually enjoy it and have a name for it?) But I still thought that after nearly 7kg down (I started at 77kg not 76kg - cheated on first kg input) the results would be more visible. Yesterday my very good friend was telling me how she needs to lose weight and I told her I was feeling a bit down on that issue since after losing nearly 7kg I thought the visible difference would be more marked. And she said - wow you lost 7kg? that's great!!! But had I not said anything she would not have noticed and she is not a bitchy friend - she's a great person whose friendship is honest and of the 'real' type. Well,let's hope the 5.5kg I'm hoping to lose by who knows when bring some real change.
Take care everyone and have a great day.
Update: Did MRI. Did not ask about results or how things look. Got sort of scared. Silly I know .So I'll wait - I've waited so long I'll wait some more. I'm not always this understanding but this is not lfie or death situation. Thanks everyone.
Well, yesterday I had a lovely leg massage that was really needed. My back and thighs are still sore after Sunday but I'm giving myself today and tomorrow off again. I will hopefully restart pilates on Thursday morning. Hope nothing crops up to cancel that cause I've cancelled so o ften lately I haven't been to pilats for about 2 weeks.
If you are in need of inspiration visit Hot Momma Wanna Be's blog. Sorry can't figure out the link right now. She went from 43 inches hips to 34 inches. Wow. I can't remember EVER having a 34 inches hips. For me it is unrealistic to believe I could ever get that with my naturally generous hips - I would so be happy with a 39 inch hips. I have to stop obsessing about my hips. I have to stop obsessing on everything weight related.
The thing is I'm really enjoying going out lately with friends and having lunch/dinner although I do try and make healthy choices and I've been doing really really well. Today it was a good day at the office and this evening I have lessons. So looking forward for the freedom of June even though the first couple of weeks we have exams. Has anyone here tried liposuction, ever? Maybe that would be the only drastic solution to my hips. See how I went from talking about work to talking about my hips again? I HAVE TO stop obsessing.
My friend David and myself this morning did the official 10km walk. While we had been walking our way to 11km on Saturday mornings, this was the official walk and my legs had been hurting all week.I was a bit in apprehension tobe honest. And the hills, both uphill and downhill did make it harder - where we usually walk is around the track and that is level. But we did it. Now my legs are hurting but it's ok. And I already have a leg massage booked for tomorrow to relieve my poor legs. What I'm most happy about is that at least I can still put my mind at something and achieve it within my limits. GCQMom should have finished her 12k now. Although both were on Sunday morning, since we live in opposite parts of the world I finished mine about 10 hours before. My MRI should be some time this week and I'm looking forward tosome definite answers from there.
Today I ate fried rabbit. Haven't had fried anything for ages but rabbit is so delicious fried that I made a break to the no-fried things rule. It lived up to its delicious reputation. Rabbit is one of our national dishes.
Well, just wanted to report my 10km success. Tomorrow is weigh-in. Am looking at maintaining something I would be happy with. I have now accepted that it's a slow process. Given the fried rabbit and the wine bar with dips yesterday, maintaining 70.5kg will be a good target for this week.
Is our body shape predetermined by our ancestors? Can we do something about it? Is there any way I can loose the fat from my hips and thighs? Will I ever win the battle against these stubborn fat deposits?
Today I took my body measurements - chest 38.5 inches, waist 31 inches, hips 43 inches. My family is 'blessed' with big hips. As I continue (hopefully) to lose weight and near the magical 65-67kg bracket the result will probably be something like this - chest 35.5, waist 28, hips 41(if I'm lucky). I just hate it. Yesterday I got a really nice 4 piece suit - top, trousers, jacket, dress - all in the same material and they can be worn in various combinations. I bought them in size 12. The top and jacket fit beautifully. The trousers obscenly tight and the dress tight at the hips. My mother came to see how they fit. I told her I needed to lose weight from the hips to wear the dress and trousers (which I need to wear the top and jacket!!!) She didn't say anything but I could see it written all over her face that this would be another purchase never to be worn. It really annoyed me and did not say anything to her but it was sooooooooooo hanging in the air. I wanted to tell her - I AM GOING TO LOSE WEIGHT - I AM GOING TO FIT INTO THIS SUIT - THIS IS NOT A SILLY WISH-FOR PURCHASE. I really felt like a child about to throw a major tantrum. Now my mother is great, very encouraging and not the bitchy type. She supports me. And maybe that made the unsaid hanging comment even more annoying.
And then I think? Will my hips actually shrink into the trousers if I continue with this. Even if I get down to 65kg will they fit? Will I conquer the fat hips gene? Or do I need to be sickly thin for my hips to kick in on the losing fat action? Then I look at one of my cousins (from the same side) who has a great body and I go well maybe there's no fat hips gene after all. And also at people like Anne NIcole Smith (poor girl) who at one point was fat and slimmed down - and also people in here whose hips have shrunk after all. Will it happen for me? I don't know. I really don't know.
Have a good weekend. I'm hoping I'm ok for Sunday's 10k. My legs haven't stopped hurting this week. And I'm not talking about my bad knee!!!! My right (good) leg hurts from hip downwards - I'm hoping it's because I overused it and not because there is something wrong. We'll just wait and see.
So April is gone. And we welcome May. April was a pretty good month. I had said I wanted to be under 70kg by end of April, something I'm not - but I did weigh in at 70.5kg this morning! Although today is Tuesday I had to have my official weigh-in today since yesterday I was not at home and I want to stay faithful to the same scales. What did I achieve in April? I lost 1.5kg - I'm losing slowly but it is going down and if it's going to be at 1.5kg per month, so be it. I bought a few nice things for myself and I'm looking forward to wearing them. This month I also applied for a B. Sc Part-time, something which will start in September although I need to do an Advanced Maths course in Summer before. This month I managed to walk a lot - and doing 10km once a week with my friend David while walking by myself on other times of the week for an average of an hour each time. I also managed to go to pilates 1-2 times a week. This month I gave some money to charity anonymously - something I wish I could do more often. I also joined a voluntary group which aims at befriending lonely people. I also did the new experience of car boot sale selling on Sunday. We did fairly well, exceeding expectations and at the same time getting rid of a few things. Will do it again probably in a month's time or so. It was fun. I also finally got to have an MRI referral for my knee. It's been a good month
And hello May. What am I expecting in May? I want to have done the official 10km walk on Sunday. I'm expected to be stunningly beautiful (ha ha ha) in my dress at the wedding I'm invited to. I want to be under 70kg by the end of May, even if it's 69kg or 69.5kg. I want to keep up my walking. Actually today I started off brilliantly. AT 7.30 I dragged my nephew (12) and my mother (62) for a long walk. Dad took us by car to Birgu (the place where my nephew's school is) and we walkedi t all the way to Marsaxlokk (where we live). It took us 1hr 20mins and then I went on to buy the paper by myself adding up a total of 1hr 45 mins. I'm glad mum and nephew came and did it. I would have bet money (I actually did) that my nephew would stop and get the bus at Zejtun ( a village midway) but he held on until home. Mum I knew she would do it - she walks a fair bit herself. But my nephew surprised me.
Well can't think of much more. May should see the end of the computer evening lessons meaning that from June my schedule will be lighter. We also work until 12:30 in June, as opposed to 2:30. Today is a public holiday here in Malta - Worker's Day. Have a good beginning of May all of you.
