there. Tuesday here. My relaxed day without lesson, as a teacher or student. Still, I have to take my sister in law somewhere in the afternoon but I think I'll have time for a half an hour swim at the pool. Yesterday and today I managed 1 hour walking and for me that is great.
A couple of people asked for a pain update and I'm happy to report that I'm much much better from that end. I think this is the usual period of respite before another bout but I'm not thinking about that - I'm enjoying this period of relative peace.
Yesterday I managed not to snack on anything but fruit after 8pm and that is a major achievement for me given the last 2 weeks which should have been the beginning of a new challenge. Speaking of challenges. I changed the title from My Struggle to My Challenge. Struggle seemed negative and indicated to something which needed a lot of effort. Even saying the word 'struggle' gives me the sensation of something very very difficult. So I changed it to a more positive challenge as it gives me the impression of pushing forward instead of keeping from being pushed backwards. It's more pro-active. It may sound silly but I thought I would try to change the attitude even in a literal way.
It has been a good Saturday so far although it's still on 6:30pm and I'm looking forward to meeting a couple of friends I haven't seen for ages although I've talked to them over the phone. On Thursday I also met another couple of friends whom I had not seen for a while. We went to this very busy restaurant, it's always full up and they have maxi portions. I ordered a starter soup and bruschetta and my friends ordered starter portions of pasta. Now their starters portions are very generous. They kept asking us whether we wanted main courses and it looked as if the waiters were pissed off that we didn't have a main - as if we're making a dent in their profits. It was a subtle uncomfortable experience and I doubt whether I will go back there again. Since there are always people waiting to get in, you get the feeling you are really being hurried to just eat and get out!!! And as a client I want to feel treated with a little bit more respect than that.
Today I had a 4-hour lecture of maths - 2 hours lecture and 2 hours tutorial. This diploma I'm taking is turning out to be such a learning joy. Something I haven't experienced for a long time. I remember enjoying my Italian lectures in degree especially the literature as it really felt as if I was learning something. After that I did a 3 year diploma in Management which was ok but in terms of actual learning I wouldn't say I had that feeling of really getting to know something new. Then I started a masters and I did all units except the thesis (because I got fed up and quit) and again, except for the history of education in Malta which was really interesting, I must say it did not really contribute to me enjoying learning new useful thing. This diploma finds me going out of each lecture with that feeling that I have increased my knowledge and that there was something I previously did not know and now I know it. That makes me look forward to lectures although working full-time, teaching a couple of evenings a week part-time and studying part-time is hard work.
That's all for now girls. I say girls because all those with whom I'm in contact are ladies. XXX
I just weight myself and so a dreaded 75Kg!!!. I haven't been 75kg since February so it's a shock. And I look 75kg as well. All clothes are tight and the fact that I've gained weight is very very visible. And it should not be a surprise after the binge fests I've been having.
Today I'm managed a 40 minute walk this morning and I might try and keep that. Food is still my biggest challenge and my will power is not at its best. I can't believe I've gone up to 75kg again. Good night.
Today was a better day. I didn't give much thought to the guy's personal judgement of me which was a welcome surprise for me as usually I would have thought about it for days. It will still haunt me again in my low moments but, as some of you noted, he was not important in my life, and I'm happy I made my feelings clear in telling him he had no right in saying those things.
Food wise, although it was not a great day at least I did not do 4 chocolates like yesterday. I still think I will have a horrifying MOnday scales experiences considering that I can see a belly worthy of a 3 month pregnancy. That gets me down but food is my friend. I love food and giving it up hurts.
As for pilates, I just wrote an email to the centre saying very clearly and diplomatically what happened and how I'm feeling about it. I asked for the possibility of a Tuesday session. I will probably get an 'I regret to inform you that it is not feasible...' kind of response but at least I got my voice heard and that makes me feel better.
Today I had one of my diploma lectures and it was so interesting. I just want to share with you a thing that the lecturer told us. He has a brother who works with a research company Maxim Research something... Excluding about 180 people in management and cleaning, all other employees (over 1,400 people or so) are all doctorate level experts on medicine, software development, etc.... They have invented a machine which destroys a brain tumour in less than 30mins by burning the tumour with light beams and the patient can be home after 2 days. He explained it in great detail and unfortunately, I feel I'm not doing it justice here but it is so amazing!!! Apparently there is only one machine in the world, in France, it works around the clock and it costs 4.8billion. This company understandbly recruits the best of the best. Being a starting trainee doctorate recruit with them gives you a starting paycheque of half a million US dollars. His brother has been there for 30 years. Was on the verge of asking him if he is married actually..... some of my basic maths gave me very interesting figures but of course I didn't!!!! Joking apart, don't you think it is amazing?
Brace yourself. It's a pessimistic sad post this one. You're being warned so that you surf away if you don't feel like reading such material at this point in time.
Weight - I'm losing the day battles and as a consequence I will lose the war. The daily battle is not giving in to food and the war is getting to 68kg or under. I'm not resisting food and therefore my weight is bound to stay hovering between 72 and 74 kg - I usually panic at 74kg.
Love life - am actually chatting with a guy I had talked about in here about a while back. I was sure he liked me and we hadn't seen each other for a long time. when we met it seemed there was a powerful connection. For the benefit of those who were not suffering my blog at the time - we went out once - and he said he was not looking for a relationship. I told him he can say that he doesn't want to go out with me without the excuse but he insisted it was the no relationship for now thing. I am old enough to know better of course. So why am I now upset he has just told me inchat that he has been going out with some chinese girl as from pretty much the week after we sort of had a first date of sorts and he is going to china to visit her family with her in february? Why does it upset me seeing i clearly do not have any feelings for the guy except lust when we met? Deep down I know why - it is the feeling of yet again being rejected by someone irrespective of whether we could ever have had anything in the first place. The bottom line is always that I'm not good enough and, notwithstanding my anger at myself for feeling like this, it bloody hurts. After all, I'm really quite attractive although no natural beauty.
I'm off for pilates in about 30 mins. The gymplace where i go to swim are starting classes today and while I was very happy with the place I used to go to, I couldn't make the classes there in terms of time and it's pretty far from where I live. This class is much closer and on the only day I can make it, i.e. Tuesday. It is also much cheaper although Bryn used to give me a special rate because I was going so often and he was worth every single penny. I owe him a lot - last Summer I couldn't walk without my support and although my knee still hurts at least I gave up the support.
Well that's all for today. By the way my pedometer died on the 9,000 step yesterday. I'm hesitating between buying another one from here or waiting until i'm in England and buying one from there. It is too expensive from here and from England they are dead cheap. And this month is a tight month for me. So it seems I'll be minus pedometer until November.
8:40pm update - let's start with the guy - I couldn't help letting on i was a bit pissed off. So i told him that he had a good chance of settling down with the chinese girl because usually after me men tended to settle down. He then told me I had too low self-esteem, should be more cheerful and another thing which I thankfully seem to have forgotten though it was not positive. This guy saw me for 3 hours in the last 10 years and he says all these things!!! I might not be the most cheerful, secure person around but I really do not define myself as a sad insecure person. That is not who I am. Who gives him the right to say that? I had to go then for my pilates class so I told him that as much as I thrive on listening to people telling me who I am and who I should be I had to go.
So off I went to my pilates class. I was already pissed off. As soon as I got they told me the class has been shifted to Friday at 6:30pm cause someone complained. I could have cried and I mean physically cry. It was on effort not to burst crying. I took it a bit out on the receptionist poor thing (I then went back and apologized). You see I can only do the class today and it was taken away from me unfairly. The fact that the receptionist pointed out I could do other classes on Tuesday did not help. Given what's on offer the only thing I can do because of my knee is this pilates thing. The unfairness of it all just hit me and well I'm losing the battle and as for the war, sometimes it seems it's lost before it's even fought.
Anyway, tomorrow is another day. Maybe I could be more cheerful but there really has to be something to be cheerful about, don't you think?
The weekend was horrible in terms of dieting. Ate too much. Did manage to go for the 20 mins walk. On Sunday I actually went in complete darkness in the evening which was a bit creepy since half of it is in the fields but I wanted to not skip it as then it becomes really easy to not go the following day as well. Am I making any sense?
I did post a 1kg loss but had I been good in the weekend I would have managed more. Aiming at 72kg by Monday. Already been to the walk this morning and might up it to another this evening before my lecture. It's 2pm and I've already gone 6,000 steps. Yesterday I only managed 6,000 including the walk although I did go for 30 min swim in the morning. Today I really want to do 10,000 and have a perfect food day.
I did not blog for 3 days. And I find that if I don't blog it is much easier to go off track - cause it's as if I'm not being accountable. In fact, although I did not do major mistakes, I did some nutritional sins. Still, I have managed to do my daily walk - but my pedometer has never hit 10,000. Yesterday managed 9,000.
On Thursday I had my birthday. It was pretty uneventful with lots of people sending in their wishes - I was surprised with a couple of them whom I did not even know they knew when my birthday was. Got a stylish dvd player from one brother and a full body massage voucher from the other. Both are appreciated. I hate it when I get gifts that I don't like and these I like very much. So now I'm 33. I'm not too bothered about age. And I have no problem is saying how old I am - till now anyway.
Food wise - I did have some chocolate although nothing out of the ordinary and allowed myself some buttered bread during a birthday dinner - the bread was just so fresh but did not snack on it at home. Today I'm bound to eat fried rabbit but to eat it is a treat really and I never feel guilty about it. I'm still confident that I will post a loss tomorrow from 74kg. I'll have 73kg for sure, 72kg if I'm lucky.
This is the 3rd day of the challenge. It went rather well nutritionally speaking though it's 8:30pm and from now until I sleep it is a challenge for me not to eat a chocolate or ten. Today I did eat a delicious caramel log which has approx. 120cals so it's not that bad. And I will allow for max of one a day of those. But otherwise super good so far.
Today I wore my pedometer. I did 9,500 steps. 500 steps short of what is recommended to maintain and 8,500 steps short from the 18,000 recommended for weight loss. 2,200 steps of those came from my morning 20 min walk which came after I washed the car - that will have to account for something. I'm not aiming at 18,000 but maintaining an average of 10,000 would be nice.
Hope I'm not catching a cold. I'm sneezing in pairs which is not that good as my normal sneeze pattern is in sixes and when I sneeze less than that it means a cold is in the making.
Good night dear friends and keep stroooooooooooooooong. XXX
The second day of the month has now gone by brilliantly. No chocolate, no buttered bread and no ice-cream. Tuesdays is my off day from diploma lectures and my own part-time computer teaching which I start this week. Did manage to visit only a couple of blogs today.
Managed to go to a walk this morning - always the 20 mins circular thing and went for a 30 min swim, not vigorous swimming mind you. I've decided not to exceed 30 mins in any activity I do, except maybe pilates. They are starting classes at a very close by centre. To be honest I was very happy with my other instructor but I have to drive a fair bit to get there and he didn't have any openings during the times when I could make it. So I'll try this new place and I have managed to persuade a friend to join. That always helps to commit more.
I'm touched I got comments so soon from you after being absent so long. Thank you so much. I promise to catch up with you tomorrow. Now it's 10pm and I just wanted to give the day evaluation.
I am happy to report I've been super good. Did not have chocolate, ice-cream or bread but snacked on sultanas and some dried apricots. Had two good meals, not necessarily healthy with lasagne and macaroni throughout the day but still kept my snacking at bay so happy about it. This morning as I woke up I went for a 20 min walk which might not sound as much but given that exessive exercise aggravates my medical situation I'm trying to do a little every day without becoming competitive as then I push myself and I pay the price for days at least.
but of course I didn't!!!! Joking apart, don't you think it is amazing?